WHERE THE REPTILES ROAM

EXT. COBRA INFORMATION CENTER - NIGHT
BREAKER
Open sesame.
BREAKER
Cobra's information center!
ALPINE
Cut the chatter. Is this a coffee break or what? Come on.
INT. COBRA INFORMATION CENTER
BREAKER
Jackpot! Cobra's main computer. All their recent transactions with phony companies are stored here. And in just about two seconds it'll all be ours.
ALPINE
Bazooka, can't you be quiet?
BAZOOKA
Feet tangled.
BREAKER
Gotcha!
COBRA [Peter Cullen]
Correction! We've got you!
ALPINE
Great! That was the only door, shell brain!
BAZOOKA
I'll make another.
EXT. COBRA INFORMATION CENTER - NIGHT
BAZOOKA
Door.
BREAKER
Flint! We're bringin' guests! Cover us!
FLINT
Ground forces, air support, move!
BAZOOKA
Alpine, look! Cavalry!
WILD BILL
Yahoo! Get along, little dogies!
BAZOOKA
Comin'?
ALPINE
No, I'm gonna stay here and get buried in popcorn!
INT. JOE CAMP
COMPUTER EXPERT
Let's see what you got, Breaker. Standard Cobra protection scheme. Shouldn't be too tough to crack.
FLINT
Looks like a real estate transaction.
ALPINE
Real estate?
FLINT
Real estate's right, Alpine. According to this, well, Cobra bought a dude ranch.
LADY JAYE
Why a dude ranch?
FLINT
I'd love to know. Why don't you go undercover with Bazooka, Alpine, and Wild Bill.
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! West Texas, home sweet home! Yeehow!
EXT. TEXAS ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL
Yeehoo!
ALPINE
Slow down before we take off!
WILD BILL
Can't you take a little wind through the hair?
BAZOOKA
Gosh, Alpine, cows. Oil wells.
LADY JAYE
Not oil wells, Bazooka. Microwave antennas. Part of a solar energy farm.
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
LADY JAYE (V.O.)
They receive microwave energy beamed from an orbiting satellite. Then they relay it via those power lines to electric plants.
EXT. TEXAS ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL
Solar power beams? Comin' down here? Ain't that dangerous, Lady Jaye?
LADY JAYE
Not if the beams are controlled by that monitoring station.
BAZOOKA
If not?
LADY JAYE
They could fry a city.
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAY
MA
Howdy, y'all! Well, welcome to Loco Toro! You must be the Austins! I'm Ma Joad, this here's Pa, and over yonder is our little daughter, Mary Belle.
WILD BILL
Name's Bill Austin. This here's my sister Jane, and my brothers Big Bob and Little Bob.
ALPINE
Howdy.
BAZOOKA
Uh, howdy.
MARY BELLE [Morgan Lofting]
Why don't you and I take a look-see around the ranch, private-like?
WILD BILL
Why, I'd like that just fine, Miss Joad.
WILD BILL
Oh, please, call me Mary Belle, Mr. Bill. Miss Joad sounds so formal.
LADY JAYE
That Texas tease! "Call me Mary Belle." Jezebel's more like it.
MA
Your brother's got the right idea, Miss Austin. Why don't y'all take a look around?
MA
Rufus and Clay here'll take care of your bags. Supper's at six sharp. You have yourselves a good time, y'hear?
LADY JAYE
You heard the lady. Look around. I'll check in with Flint.
LADY JAYE
Lady Jaye to Flint. We're at the ranch. It looks like Cobra bought it as an R & R center for the troops, but there may be more to this than meets the eye.
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAY
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
I want her kept under constant surveillance. Understand?
ZARTAN
Why watch her when we can waste her?
COBRA COMMANDER
We must not cause any suspicion for eighteen hours. Then I will control the solar power satellite. Until then, keep Lady Jaye and her friends occupied however you like. I'm sure you'll think of something suitable.
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAY
LADY JAYE
Where's Wild Bill?
ALPINE
Ridin' the range with that Texas peach Mary Belle.
BAZOOKA
Got a crush.
ALPINE
No, really?
ZARTAN (as a rancher) [Neil Ross]
Howdy, y'all. Ma Joad told me to make sure you folks have a real full day.
EXT. LOCO TORO - ANIMAL PEN
"RUFUS" (Buzzer)
Y'all wait right here while me and the boys saddle up some horses.
BAZOOKA
Uh, what happens now?
BAZOOKA
Holy cow!
ALPINE
Bazooka!
BAZOOKA
Alpine!
ALPINE
You okay?
BAZOOKA
Mean meat.
ALPINE
You know, I think those bums set us up.
EXT. LOCO TORO - STABLES
ZARTAN
This here is a mighty educated horse, Miss Austin. Mudpatch, tell the lady how old you are.
ZARTAN
He's got taste, too. Mudpatch, is this a pretty lady?
LADY JAYE
Thank you, Mudpatch. I think you're very handsome.
ZARTAN
Why don't you take him for a little ride, Miss? Let me give you a lift.
ZARTAN
There you go, Miss. He's all yours!
LADY JAYE
Whoa, boy! Whoa!
ALPINE
You hurt?
LADY JAYE
Just my pride.
LADY JAYE
Easy, boy. Easy. A burr! No wonder Mudpatch tossed me! Call it a wild guess, but I'd say we weren't wanted here.
EXT. SATELLITE FARM - DAY
WILD BILL
Ah, Texas air. Nothin' like it in all the fifty states!
WILD BILL
Mary Belle, did you see that?
MARY BELLE
Looks like a dust storm.
WILD BILL
That ain't no dust storm. It's a stampede!
WILD BILL
It's headed right for the solar farm control blockhouse!
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! Yeehoo!
INT. MONITORING STATION
EXT. SATELLITE FARM - DAY
BUZZER
Zartan's got the control chip by now.
TORCH
And thanks to the stampede....
RIPPER
Nobody'll even know the chip is gone until it's too late. Oh, no!
TORCH
They're comin' back this way!
MARY BELLE
You crazy cowboy, you could've been killed!
WILD BILL
Aw shoot, ma'am. Wasn't much.
WILD BILL
Yeehoo!
INT. BARN
WILD BILL
All right, folks! Choose your partners and don't be shy,
Then form your squares and wink your eye!
Bow to your partner and swing him around,
Swing him back and don't sit down!
LADY JAYE
This is definitely not for me.
ALPINE
It's not for them, either.
LADY JAYE
Wanna find out why?
ALPINE
Sure. Anything to get away from Wild Bill's warbling.
EXT. BARN - NIGHT
WILD BILL (O.C.)
Bow to your partner, bow to your gal!
Do-si-do with a great big smile!
LADY JAYE
Follow the ranch hands. I'll look in on the Joads.
EXT. LOCO TORO - NIGHT
ALPINE
Bazooka, I don't like it out here.
BAZOOKA
Dark.
ZARTAN
That should be better.
ALPINE
Zartan and his Dreadnoks!
BAZOOKA
Trouble!
EXT. UNDERGROUND BASE - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
Where's the light coming from?
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
With the control chip, Cobra's destructive power is equal to that of the sun.
DESTRO
Hard to believe that something so small could command a satellite orbiting. hundreds of miles above us.
COBRA COMMANDER
Quite. Observe the power that is ours to command.
COBRA COMMANDER
We can direct the solar satellite's microwave beam anywhere. Just as with this model.
COBRA COMMANDER
I am the new fire department. If they don't pay, I start fires.
DESTRO
How much do you think they will pay?
COBRA COMMANDER
Fire insurance is expensive, Destro. I would say billions! Billions!
COBRA COMMANDER
You're not one of my people.
COBRA COMMANDER
Destro, quickly! An intruder!
DESTRO
Good! There's just one Joe left.
EXT. LOCO TORO - NIGHT
WILD BILL
I can't rightly remember when I've had a nicer time, Mary Belle.
MARY BELLE
Look at the stars. They're beautiful.
WILD BILL
The West Texas sky. Yep, that's a mighty pretty sight. Reminds me of home. But, uh, back home I never had me a pretty lady like you, Mary Belle...Mary Belle?
WILD BILL
Mary Belle, why don't you...Baroness!
BARONESS
At your service, y'all.
WILD BILL
Well, that's very persuasive.
ZARTAN
Baroness, Cobra Commander sent me to see if you need any help.
WILD BILL
That's mighty kind of you, son! Mighty kind.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
NASA's been gettin' some weird telemetry off Solar Power Satellite Number One. They think it's tied in with that West Texas dude ranch Lady Jaye's investigatin'.
SCARLETT
Any word from Lady Jaye, Breaker?
BREAKER
I tried raisin' her, but the frequency's bein' jammed by...now what?
COBRA COMMANDER
This is Cobra Commander. You have twelve hours to pay Cobra an insurance premium of one billion dollars in gold bullion, or a city will be burned. For every hour that the premium payment is delayed, an additional city will be eliminated. And if you doubt Cobra has the power to carry out this threat, the demonstration I have devised for your viewing pleasure should reassure you.
SCARLETT
That's the Golden Gate Bridge!
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Whoa!
COBRA COMMANDER
Twelve hours!
FLINT
Let's check out that dude ranch on the double!
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. LOCO TORO - PRE-DAWN
DESTRO (V.O.)
Perimeter defense sensors indicate G. I. Joe troops moving in from the northeast.
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
Let them come, Destro.
COBRA COMMANDER
Nothing can touch us here. We have the weapon of the century! And NASA developed it for us at their cost!
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
FLINT
Recondo, what's the word?
RECONDO
All clear, Flint. Maybe too clear. Not a person in sight.
FLINT
They've gotta know we're here. Let's give 'em an education. Move out!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, just a little closer. A little more. Now!
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
COVER GIRL
What the....
COVER GIRL
How am I gonna fix that?
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
BUZZER
Think he'll give us a turn?
ZARTAN
Get serious.
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
ACE
Flint, this is Ace. We're making our run.
FLINT
Cobra's got some kind of laser defensive screen! You can't....
ACE
Ace to Flint, I seem to have run into a problem, literally!
SCARLETT
Scarlett to air group, peel off! Regroup!
FLINT
Recondo! How'd you get across?
RECONDO
That laser beam's great for big targets, Flint, but when it comes to somethin' smaller....
FLINT
Yeah, it's like using an elephant gun to swat flies.
COVER GIRL
So how do we get smaller?
FLINT
We go in on foot.
ROADBLOCK
Now you're talkin'.
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
What are they doing?
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
DESTRO
Destroy them!
COBRA COMMANDER
I can't pinpoint small targets!
DESTRO
Counter-attack!
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
FLINT
We need our mobile heavy artillery.
COVER GIRL
But we'll never get it past that big solar satellite beam.
WILD BILL (O.C.)
Yeehoo!
FLINT AND COVER GIRL
Yahoo?
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! Yah! Yah! C'mon, move out now!, etc.
BUZZER
Stampede!
ZARTAN
Stop them!
DESTRO
What a crude form of weaponry!
BARONESS
No, Destro!
FLINT AND COVER GIRL
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Wild Bill!
WILD BILL
Howdy, pardners!
BARONESS
Let me out!
DESTRO
Get out of my way!
WILD BILL
Pardon me, pardners! There's a lady I wanna talk with!
WILD BILL
Come on out, or I'm comin' in!
WILD BILL
That has to be the most newfangled sanitation system I ever saw!
COBRA COMMANDER
Hurry, you fools!
FLINT
Let's get 'em!
DESTRO
I told you there were holes in this plan to begin with?
COBRA COMMANDER
Foiled by a cattle stampede! A cattle stampede! I can't believe it! But I'll be back!
INT. BARN
LADY JAYE
What kept you?
FLINT
Oh, just a little cattle stampede.
WILD BILL
And that's no bull!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
WILD BILL
Ah, pretty night. Almost as pretty as a West Texas gal.
WILD BILL
Aw heck, Timber. I shoulda known she weren't no Texas peach. She was just too sweet. Anyone from Texas knows we grow our peaches sassy!