MONEY TO BURN

EXT. CITY - NIGHT
EXT. DOCK - NIGHT
WOMAN
Ain't they perty?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Yes. But this (X) is prettier, isn't it?
WOMAN
Large bills? Good. I don't wanna strain myself carryin' 'em.
WOMAN
What are they, crazy or sumpin'?
DRIVER [Bill Ratner]
Wow. You guys is amazing! Workin' for you is like goin' to the circus! Anyway, here's the truck you wanted.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Good. Let's start (T) loading the merchandise.
EXT. CITY - DAWN
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - PARKING GARAGE
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SECRETARIES' OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) We'll be (T) out for a while. (X) We have an appointment.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Crimson Guard to Cobra Commander. (X) Mission accomplished. (T and X) We're coming in.
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - LAB
COBRA COMMANDER
So Destro, is the thermomolecular ignition transmitter ready?
DESTRO
Yes, Commander. I am about to make the first test.
COBRA COMMANDER
Success at last, Destro! By tomorrow the United States shall be ours!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
ACE
All right, you goldbricks. Pony up. Who's got the courage to stay and see these beauties?
ROADBLOCK
Hmm, not me, unless you wanna stake me.
ACE
You guys gonna fold or be sorry?
ALPINE
You know, luck's like climbing mountains. You hit the peak and there's nowhere to go but down.
ACE
Oh, I'm at the peak all right, but I'm pitchin' camp. Rip Cord, are you in or out?
RIP CORD
I think you're flying without a chute.
ACE
Read 'em and weep, fellas. I got a....
THUNDER
What the...!
ROADBLOCK
Did all your cash just do the big flash?
ACE
When I find out who did this,....
BREAKER
I think I've got your man.
COBRA COMMANDER
Attention, citizens!
VARIOUS LOCATIONS
COBRA COMMANDER (CONT., V.O.)
Due to the financial irresponsibility and incompetence of your leaders, Cobra has found it necessary to restructure your nation's economy. We have begun by eliminating the worthless green paper which your government has deceived you into believing is valuable. Cobra will come to your rescue. And out of the ashes will arise a new order!
OLD LADY
Henry!
EXT. WASHINGTON - DEPT. OF THE TREASURY
CROWD
We want money! We want money!, etc.
INT. DEPT. OF THE TREASURY
TREASURY SECRETARY
Cobra has us exactly where they want us, helpless. In less than a week, buying and selling have been replaced by rioting and looting.
FLINT
And you can't re-establish order until you print new currency.
LADY JAYE
And you can't print new currency, because Cobra will just destroy it.
ROADBLOCK
Yeah, in short, Cobra's got us basting over a fire.
TREASURY SECRETARY
And time is on their side. With every passing day, the economy sinks deeper into chaos.
LADY JAYE
So Cobra Commander just has to sit back and wait for the country to fall into his hands.
FLINT
Then we have one thing goin' for us. He doesn't know how to wait.
LABORER
Hey, boss! That hissin' fool's on the TV again!
COBRA COMMANDER
Citizens of the United States, I am pleased to announce Cobra's economic recovery plan. If you want money to buy food for your children, take all your valuables to the nearest branch of Extensive Enterprises. There, all goods will be exchanged for Cobra currency.
FLINT
That's it! We've got our lead. Let's pay a visit to Extensive Enterprises.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
LADY JAYE
Flint, look!
MEAN GUY [Chris Latta]
Hey, get in line!
MEAN GUY
Are you deaf? I said get in line!
MEAN GUY
Unless you want more o' that, do like I said.
RIP CORD
Leave her alone! We didn't come here to fight!
WOMAN
You've got a fight now, fly boy!
FLINT
No, don't fight back! We want to prevent a riot, not start one!
FLINT
Folks, please! Please listen to me! Fighting will only make things worse!
COWBOY [Michael Bell]
You stay put, Lily.
LILY
'Kay, dad.
COWBOY
Here, fellas. I got somethin' to tie up them yahoos with.
WOMAN
Look! In the truck!
LILY
Daddy, save me!
LILY
Daddy!
COWBOY
My daughter!
LILY
Daddy!
COWBOY
Thanks, mister. I ain't seen ropin' like that since the '66 county fair! Let 'em go! They saved my daughter's life!
MAN
Well, I guess he's right.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - LOBBY
ROADBLOCK
This must be the welcoming committee.
SECURITY GUARD #1
You can't come in here. I've got my orders!
ROADBLOCK
You got orders, too?
SECURITY GUARD #2
Uh, take the elevator right up to the penthouse!
SECURITY GUARD #1
They're in the elevator now.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SECRETARIES' OFFICE
SECRETARY
All right, stay back! Do any of you have an appointment?
THUNDER
My turn.
SECRETARY
Young man!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Would you mind? (T) This is a place of business. (X) Please, Miss Henderhaunch, (T) ignore this intrusion.
FLINT
Cut the act, you clowns. We know you're working for Cobra.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) On the contrary, we're merely acting (X) as brokers for a client, in return (T) for a percentage of the gross. (X) We've done nothing (T) illegal. Cobra's money is (X) as good as anyone's. (T) In fact, (X) these days, (T) it's better. (X) After all, (T) these are troubled times.
ROADBLOCK
I'm gonna trouble your faces into pasta!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Sorry about this interruption, Madeline. (X) Why don't we continue our talk on the plane tomorrow?
MISS HENDERHAUNCH [Mary McDonald-Lewis]
All right. Nine o'clock sharp. But never keep a Henderhaunch waiting.
FLINT
They're right. They're within the law. There's nothing we can do.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Are you (T) still here?
LADY JAYE, ROADBLOCK, AND FLINT
(L) Uh, we were hoping (R) you'd show us (F) back to the elevator.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Hmm?
EXT. AIRPORT - MORNING
MISS HENDERHAUNCH
I really don't see why an escort is necessary.
COBRA
Sorry, lady. We've got our orders.
THUNDER
Bombs away!
MISS HENDERHAUNCH
Get lost! Old ruffian!
LADY JAYE
Please, Miss Henderhaunch.
ROADBLOCK
We're real sorry about this, ma'am.
FLINT
All right, let's get this show on the road.
EXT. AIRPORT - DAY
THUNDER
We did it!
FLINT
Good. Now let's check on our guest. I have a feeling Miss Henderhaunch is going to be perturbed.
MISS HENDERHAUNCH
Marvelous. This gentleman has just given me the most wonderful recipe for soufflé.
ROADBLOCK
Hey, man. I'm a gourmet.
EXT. SKY - DAY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Soon you will see that there's no safer place for your valuables (X) than with our associates at Cobra.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
I'm certainly impressed with your security, especially since you haven't even told me where we're going.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Such precautions are necessary (T) to deter potential spies.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Hmm, spies. Yes, I...I suppose.
EXT. AIRPORT - DAY
FLINT
Lady Jaye's homing signal. Let's scramble.
JOES
Yo Joe!
MISS HENDERHAUNCH
Yo Joe!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ACE
Ace to Flint, target is descending!
RIP CORD
Over the Rockies? They're crazy! They're gonna crash into that mountain!
ACE
The plane! It's...it's gone! But I don't get any crash signs on infrared.
EXT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - DAY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) As you see, our vault (T) is completely secure.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Hmm, I should say so.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) In addition to the ground troops, (T) Cobra polar assault troops are in constant readiness.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Very impressive. But may I see the vault itself?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Of course. I'll escort you inside (X) while I check in with our business associates.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
RIP CORD
We're still getting Lady Jaye's signal. It's weaker, but it seems to be coming from inside the mountain.
ACE
That's impossible!
RIP CORD
Wanna hear somethin' even stranger? That mountain's invisible on radar.
ACE
Maybe the cold climate's affecting the instruments.
RIP CORD
Or that mountain isn't there.
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - VAULT
TOMAX
This entire Cobra temple is our vault. Look, the treasure already, uh, given over to our care.
TOMAX
As you can see, this is the largest stockpile of tangible assets ever assembled.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Astounding. Uh, what's in here?
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - MINT
TOMAX
Oh, it's not important, really. Just an ancillary operation.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
I see.
TOMAX
Well, tour's over. What do you think? Ready to trust our bank?
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Uh, what's in there?
TOMAX
Why, just....
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - LAB
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Looks like some kind of big radio.
TOMAX
We have to, uh, keep in touch with the New York office.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Oh, that makes sense. Just one more question: Did you really expect anyone to swallow such utter hogwash?
XAMOT
I wondered what was taking so long!
TOMAX
She's a spy! I've got her gun!
LADY JAYE
But you don't have me!
LADY JAYE
Huh, a double play!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ACE
Lady Jaye's signal has stopped.
RIP CORD
She must be in trouble!
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - MINT
CRIMSON GUARD
Keep your weapons at the ready.
CRIMSON GUARD
Up there!
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - ROOF
SNOW SERPENT
What's the racket?
LADY JAYE
I don't know. Why don't you have a look?
LADY JAYE
This is one time I don't mind getting the boot.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
RIP CORD
We can't wait any longer. I'm jumpin'!
ACE
And splatter yourself on that mountain?
RIP CORD
Only if it's really there, Ace.
ACE
Rip Cord, what are you waiting for? Pop your chute!
RIP CORD
Not yet! My instincts say that mountain isn't there!
ACE
Pull the cord, you maniac! That mountain is real!
RIP CORD
You might be right, but it's too late now!
RIP CORD
Yo Joe!
ACE
Rip Cord, can you read me?
RIP CORD
Ace, this is wild! I just fell through a hologram!
RIP CORD
Flint, this is Rip Cord! I'm over it! Snake city! But I'm gonna need some help! Do you read?
INT. CARGO PLANE - HOLD
FLINT
This is Flint, Rip Cord! We read you! And as for help, you've got it! All right, let's move out!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - HANGAR
COBRA COMMANDER
Destro, Baroness! The Joes have found us! Man your Flight Pods! Lead the assault forces!
DESTRO
Where are you going, Commander?
COBRA COMMANDER
I shall be directing the battle from a remote location.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
FLINT
Nothin' out there but snow. Where are they?
FLINT
Keep your eyes peeled.
COBRAS
Cobra!
THUNDER
Yahoo! Music to my ears!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
LADY JAYE
Oh, no!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) I'll go collect her, (X) if she's still alive.
ROADBLOCK
Come on, Cobra, meet your mongoose!
DESTRO
They are following our plan perfectly. Melt the snow, Firefly!
ROADBLOCK
Uh-oh! Shoulda brought my swimmin' trunks!
JOE
Can you move it?
JOE
No, it's up over our tracks!
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - ROOF
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LAB
CRIMSON GUARD
Make certain no unauthorized personnel get near the thermomolecular ignition transmitter.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
TOMAX
Hmm. A pity such a beautiful woman had to perish.
LADY JAYE
Your victims all have one thing in common: longevity!
TOMAX
I'm always willing to compete in a contest of strength with someone so obviously inferior.
LADY JAYE
I feel the same way...about intelligence!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
JOE
Nothin' but mud!
JOE
Here, give me a hand!
FLINT
Everyone all right?
ROADBLOCK
Just a wee bit waterlogged!
THUNDER
Roadblock, look out!
BARONESS
Surrender! We have you, G. I. Joe! Our remote-controlled ASPs will take care of you!
FLINT
Oh yeah? Well, here's mud in your eye!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
XAMOT
It's not over yet, my dear. There are two of us, remember?
TOMAX
Xamot! What hit you? I'm coming Xamot! Hold on!
LADY JAYE
Oh, no you don't.
TOMAX
You and I still have a score to settle.
LADY JAYE
Boy! That's what I call telegraphing your punches.
TOMAX
Enough! I give up!
FLINT
I didn't even touch him!
LADY JAYE
Two for the price of one.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - ROOF
COBRA
G. I. Joe! Well, time for bye-bye, Joe!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ALPINE
Can't hold out much longer, Roadblock.
ROADBLOCK
Aw, relax. This can't go on for more than a couple weeks!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
RIP CORD
Five...four...three...two...one!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ROADBLOCK
Pennies from heaven?
BARONESS
Greedy fools, forget the money! It's only a gold-plated copper polymer alloy! It will do you no good if the Joes defeat us!
ROADBLOCK
Quick, while they're distracted! Knock out those ASPs!
JOES
Yo Joe!
BARONESS
Greedy fools! Bah!
ROADBLOCK
What say we deposit these turkeys for a long term in the bank of Tsing Tsing?
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
LADY JAYE
Flint, the Crimson Guard Commanders are gone.
FLINT
Don't worry about it, Lady Jaye. Personally, I was getting sick about seeing double anyway.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
ACE
Well, now that we've got some money back on the table, let's finish this game.
ACE
All right, just shove it over here. I've got a flush.
ACE
By the way, I've been dying to find out, Rip Cord, old buddy. You never finished telling us how you got past that polar trooper.
RIP CORD
No big deal. I tied his shoelaces together. When he went for me, he fell flat on his face.
RIP CORD
Just like you're about to do. I've got a full house, and you've got an empty wallet!
ACE
Terrific. Just like Cobra. You've got money to burn.