HAUL DOWN THE HEAVENS

EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
DUKE
What do you make of it, Flint? Why would the Northern Lights suddenly go haywire?
DUKE
Who's buzzin' the base? Oh no, it's your flyin' fool girlfriend.
FLINT
Lady Jaye?
DUKE
Get that girl in tow before I kick her in the afterburner! Come on, get a move on, now!
LADY JAYE
I cut short my furlough and gave up an African safari. This better be good.
FLINT
Depends on how you define "good." Duke wants you to meet some people. There's a disturbance in the Aurora Borealis. It may be melting the polar ice cap.
LADY JAYE
What? Are you kidding? That could flood every coastal city on earth!
FLINT
You catch on fast. Duke wants Snow Job, you, and I to escort a UN science team to the Arctic Circle to investigate. There they are.
FLINT
Dr. Johannsen, Lady Jaye.
DR. JOHANNSEN
Uh, delighted. Can't we speed up the loading process, Flint? The situation up north is becoming critical.
FLINT
We'll be taking off within the hour, sir.
DR. ENTWHISTLE
I'm amazed you barbarous thugs can do anything constructive.
DR. JOHANNSEN
Dr. Entwhistle, our geologist.
LADY JAYE
My pleasure.
DR. ENTWHISTLE
It's certainly not mine. This is supposed to be a scientific expedition, not an invasion. All this military hardware is unnecessary and, frankly, unwelcome.
LADY
Just a second, sweetheart!
FLINT
At ease, Lady Jaye. Get your gear stowed, ma'am.
DR. ENTWHISTLE
Yes, sir! Right away, Mister Joe, Sir!
LADY JAYE
People like that give me a pain. We're only going along to protect the expedition.
RIP CORD
Look out! It's gonna topple!
FLINT
Who's the joker running that crane? I'll bust you down to private!
FLINT
Huh?
LADY JAYE
Nobody home. Maybe someone got careless and left it in gear.
FLINT
Yeah, or maybe it was sabotage.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE
FLINT
Snow Job, scout ahead. I'd like to keep this expedition from falling through the ice.
SNOW JOB
Gotcha, Flint!
FLINT
Oh, and no side trips to sell refrigerators to the Eskimos.
SNOW JOB
Aw, would I do a thing like that?
FLINT
Move 'em out! Yo Joe!
SNOW JOB
Whoa! Bad news, Flint. No direct route to the Aurora. We'll have to circle this gap.
FLINT
That'll take hours. We'd better camp here.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - JOE CAMP
FLINT
I'll draw up a guard roster.
DR. ENTWHISTLE
How typically macho...and paranoid. Next I suppose you'll want to draft us.
LADY JAYE
Brother. Would I love to put her through boot camp.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - JOE CAMP
SNOW JOB
What's that?
FLINT
Snow Job! Let's get outta here!
FLINT
Empty!
DR. ENTWHISTLE
We must...get out!
LADY JAYE
I was trying to, lady!
FLINT
Somebody's trying to kill us.
DR. ENTWHISTLE
Nonsense.
LADY JAYE
Oh, really? I suppose the Snow Cat hotwired itself and chased us around of its own accord.
DR. ENTWHISTLE
Ionization from the Aurora started the motor. The machine simply ran wild.
LADY JAYE
I bet.
EXT. CITY - HOTEL
INT. HOTEL - ROOM 1091
DR. ENTWHISTLE
G...I...Joe! Tell them! Hurry!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - JOE CAMP
FLINT
What's the condition of the ice, Snow Job?
SNOW JOB
Pitiful. Turning into slush. If it gets much warmer, the Snow Cats'll sink.
FLINT
Hovercraft would be perfect up here.
LADY JAYE
What's going on back there?
LADY JAYE
Now we'll see who our saboteur is. Gotcha!
SNOW JOB
C'mon, Flint!
LADY JAYE
Hey, you forgot something! Me!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
FLINT
Faster! He's getting away!
SNOW JOB
Where did he go?
FLINT
Try over there.
FLINT
What's that?
SNOW JOB
Awesome! Totally awesome!
FLINT
Cobra!
SNOW JOB
What are you thinkin' they're up to?
FLINT
They're behind the disturbance in the Aurora!
SNOW JOB
We'd better get back!
"DR. ENTWHISTLE"
Not a bad guess for a G. I. Joe.
FLINT
Entwhistle, what are you doing here?
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL CENTER
DESTRO
A warning flare!
COBRA COMMANDER
Sound the alarm!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
SNOW JOB
You're crazy!
"DR. ENTWHISTLE"
No, not crazy. Merely your enemy!
SNOW JOB
The Baroness!
SNOW JOB
We've gotta warn the base!
BARONESS
Follow them!
COBRA COMMANDER
G. I. Joe! Stop them!
SNOW JOB
We're gonna make it!
SNOW JOB
We made it.
FLINT
More or less.
FLINT
We're down to two choices. Either we plow straight through them,...
SNOW JOB
Or we let 'em run over us. Some choice.
FLINT AND SNOW JOB
Yo Joe!
SNOW JOB
Here goes nothin'!
SNOW JOB
Now what?
FLINT
We lay low and hope Cobra doesn't find us, or the others.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - JOE CAMP
DR. JOHANNSEN
What happened out there? Do you think Flint and Snow Job...?
LADY JAYE
I don't know.
LADY JAYE
Hurry, take cover!
COBRA COMMANDER
Surrender! You are trapped in Cobra's fangs!
LADY JAYE
Now way! Pick your fangs with this!
COBRA COMMANDER
You are now Cobra's prisoner, and your friends will soon join you.
LADY JAYE
Aren't you the cock-eyed optimisssst!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE
COBRA OFFICER #1 [Bill Ratner]
Keep searching for those two miserable Joes!
COBRA OFFICER #2
Why those tranquilizer darts?
COBRA OFFICER #3 [Arthur Burghardt?]
Cobra Commander wants the Joes taken alive.
COBRA OFFICER #3
You in there, Joe?
COBRA OFFICER #3
Take him back to base. When he wakes, he'll make a fine pet for Cobra Commander.
FLINT
Grab that FANG! Tell them to send Hovercrafts!
SNOW JOB
What about you?
FLINT
I'm gonna try to radio Joe Headquarters from Cobra's own base!
SNOW JOB
Where'd you come from?
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop, if you value your life...and theirs!
LADY JAYE
I'm sorry, Flint.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE
SNOW JOB
Yeow!
SNOW JOB
You stinkin'...!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL CENTER
DESTRO
So Flint, you disapprove of our little project.
FLINT
We don't get our kicks from mass destruction, Destro.
DESTRO
Consider it a form of hygiene. We're giving the world a much-needed bath. The ion attractor generates forces strong enough to pull down the Aurora Borealis.
DESTRO (CONT.)
The ions melt the ice, eventually raising the water level eighty feet around the world. Every coastal city will be flooded. And then with the world in chaos, Cobra strikes!
LADY JAYE
Brilliant, Destro. I bet you'd take first prize at the science fair.
DESTRO
Beware, Lady Jaye. With so sharp a tongue you could cut your own throat. Take them away!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE
SNOW JOB
Gotta get up. Hovercraft. I gotta!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
The polar troopers still haven't found the last G. I. Joe. Could he have survived?
BARONESS
Most unlikely.
COBRA COMMANDER
Is Firefly ready to create our little diversion?
BARONESS
He is.
COBRA COMMANDER
Then unleash him.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
FIREFLY
The Joes are planning something big. Baroness was right. Aint' fueled up yet. A little acid will do the trick.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
DUKE
It's okay, Entwhistle. Don't blame yourself. Nobody can fight Cobra alone. That's why there's a Joe Team.
CUTTER
Thanks to you, we know Cobra's involved in these disasters.
DR. ENTWHISTLE
Can you save my friend?
DUKE
You just watch us, ma'am.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - FUEL STORAGE
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE
INT. INDIAN VILLAGE - SHELTER
SNOW JOB
Where am I?
INDIAN MAN [Michael Bell?]
Taganuk Indian village. What you doin' all alone out there?
SNOW JOB
Radio. Call...Joe seven niner.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - FUEL STORAGE
WILD BILL
Yeeow! You dad-blamed idiot! No wonder they call you Rip Cord!
CUTTER
Duke, look at this. Somebody put something in the fuel!
DUKE
We gotta warn the others, fast!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
GUNG-HO
Holy ham! [?] We've been sabotaged!
DUKE
Hold it, Firefly. I wanna give you something!
FIREFLY
I have something for you, too, Duke!
DUKE
Oh, no!
RIP CORD
Firefly pumped acid into the main fuel lines!
DUKE
And we put the fuel into the jets and turned our own planes into fire bombs!
CUTTER
Yes, nice of us to oblige him, wasn't it? Now if we want to fly to the Arctic, we have to fly stand-by.
DUKE
Don't bet on it.
EXT. INDIAN VILLAGE - SHELTER
INT. INDIAN VILLAGE - SHELTER
SNOW JOB
J...O...E...
INDIAN GIRL
He's delirious.
SNOW JOB
Seven, nine...niner. Call.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
INT. COBRA BASE - CELL
LADY JAYE
So how do we get outta here? Any bright ideas?
FLINT
Push the button on my watch.
FLINT AND LADY JAYE
From the halls of Montezuma....
INT. COBRA BASE - OUTSIDE CELL
FLINT AND LADY JAYE (CONT., O.C.)
to the shores of Tripoli, we will fight our country's battles on the land and on the sea....
INT. COBRA BASE - CELL
COBRA OFFICER
Are you gonna clam up, or do we have to....
FLINT AND LADY JAYE
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL CENTER
LADY JAYE
Can you figure out how it works?
FLINT
I think so. Destro always uses the same basic design layouts.
DESTRO (O.C.)
I'll remember that in the future.
COBRA COMMANDER
Destro, hold your fire. Surely two such formidable foes deserve a sporting chance.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
BREAKER (V.O.)
This is J-O-E Seven Niner. Repeat, message unclear!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
INT. INDIAN VILLAGE - SHELTER
INDIAN MAN
Your man in bad shape. Got a big dose of some tranquilizer. Keeps mumbling something about snakes and the Aurora.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
CUTTER
That cinches it. Cobra's behind the disasters.
DUKE
Yeah, and Snow Job's a goner if we don't get him some help, but fast.
CUTTER
Which presents a small problem with all our SkyStrikers in flames.
DUKE
All but one. Lady Jaye's plane never got a taste of Firefly's hot sauce.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE
RIP CORD
Duke, there oughta be just enough clean fuel in the tanks for a one-way flight to the great, white north.
RIP CORD
I'm all out of gas. End of the line. Wish me happy landings! Yo Joe!
INT. INDIAN VILLAGE - SHELTER
RIP CORD
Snow Job!
RIP CORD
Hang on, pal. You're gonna pull through.
SNOW JOB
Rip Cord. Never thought your ugly puss would look so good. Holy cow! Cobra! They're meltin' the polar ice!
RIP CORD
We figured. They've got a large surprise comin' their way.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
INT. COBRA BASE - ARENA OF SPORT
COBRA COMMANDER (O.C.)
Send in the gladiators!
FLINT
Terrific! He remembers us, and not fondly!
FLINT
That's another one I owe you.
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
DUKE
Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
ROADBLOCK
Yahoo! Let's fricasee those snakes!
GUNG-HO
Fire cannons!
GUNG-HO
We can't dent their armor!
INT. COBRA BASE - ARENA OF SPORT
DESTRO
What's that?
LADY JAYE
Sounds like...
FLINT
...the cavalry's arrived!
COBRA COMMANDER
They must not reach the ion attractor. Destroy them!
FLINT
Let's get outta here!
INT. COBRA BASE - CORRIDOR
FLINT
That way! The ion attractor!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
DESTRO
I see you have never learned the difference between courage and stupidity, but I would be pleased to teach you.
LADY JAYE
It's not shutting off.
FLINT
I know. I'm setting it to full power.
LADY JAYE
You're what?
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
DUKE
What the blazes...the ice is melting! Their whole base is going under!
DUKE
Adios, chumps. Hovercraft don't sink!
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
FLINT
I'm outta here.
LADY JAYE
Me too!
EXT. ARCTIC CIRCLE - COBRA BASE
LADY JAYE
Those creeps are getting away!
FLINT
Duke and Cutter will take care of them!
DUKE
Launch depth charges!
DUKE
That oughtta ring their chimes.
LADY JAYE
It is beautiful, isn't it. From a distance.
FLINT
He's better looking from a distance, too.
LADY JAYE
You're not just gonna let him nap there, are you, Duke?
DUKE
I have a policy about ten-foot bears. Lady, as far as I'm concerned, they can sleep anywhere they want.