LIGHTS! CAMERA! COBRA!

EXT. CITY - DAY
"COBRA COMMANDER" [John Stephenson?]
We don't need the villagers! Eliminate them!
"DUKE" [Frank Welker]
Yo Joe!
"DUKE"
Let's get 'em!
"DUKE"
Give up, snake nose! You've had it! Yo Joe!
"COBRA COMMANDER" [Bill Morey]
You moron! You almost broke my back! You'll hear from my lawyers about this! I'll sue!
"DUKE"
Myron, I'm sorry. Honestly, I....
GEORGE LANCEBERG [Corey Burton]
Cut! Cut! No, no, no! It's all wrong! It's all phony!
MARTY GOLDBLATT
Well, of course, it's phony. It's a movie!
GEORGE
My public demands authenticity, Marty! I won't give them anything else!
MARTY
George, authenticity costs money.
GEORGE
Hang the cost! Get me real G. I. Joes as technical advisors, and real G. I. Joe equipment, or I'm walking off this picture!
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - DINING ROOM
DESTRO
I've located the captured Firebat. It's... Commander! Your hood, put it on!
COBRA COMMANDER
It takes a strong stomach to watch me eat, doesn't it, Destro?
DESTRO
The captured Firebat is at Miracle Motion Picture Studios.
COBRA COMMANDER
What? That Firebat's automatic homing device could lead the G. I. Joes straight here!
DESTRO
Don't blame me. Your elite troops allowed the plane to be captured. I recommend the plane be destroyed immediately.
COBRA COMMANDER
So you can sell us a new one? Bah! It cost fifteen million to build that homing device. It would be cheaper to steal the Firebat back. We'll use the ultra-secure frequency to summon Zartan and his Dreadnoks, wherever they may be.
INT. LONDON - BANK
ZARTAN
Buzzer, the vault!
BUZZER
Right.
BUZZER
All yours.
ZARTAN
Load up!
COBRA COMMANDER
Cease this operation, Zartan. I have a mission for you.
ZARTAN
But there's a million of gold in there.
COBRA COMMANDER
I'll pay you four million!
ZARTAN
Drop it!
DREADNOKS
Drop it?
ZARTAN
We've got a better offer. We're going to make a movie!
EXT. LAX AIRPORT - SUNSET
MARTY
I'm, uh, here to pick up some guys from the G. I. Joe Team.
CLERK [Liz Aubrey]
And not a moment too soon. That sailor's driving me crazy.
MARTY
Hi, Marty Goldblatt, producer of The G. I. Joe Story. Pardon me if I seem a little surprised. I guess I expected more in the way of spit and polish. You know what I mean?
SHIPWRECK
Yeah, well, Duke wanted all the oddballs out of his hair for a couple o' weeks.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT
SHIPWRECK
Hot dang, look at that! Hollywood!
SHIPWRECK
Hey, when do we get shore leave?
COVER GIRL
Come on, no time for that.
MARTY
We're way behind schedule. In fact, we're going directly to our desert location.
EXT. DESERT LOCATION - NIGHT
GEORGE
The government has loaned is this really marvelous Cobra equipment.
COVER GIRL
And some Joe equipment, I see.
GEORGE
Right. I want this to be the most realistic picture ever made!
SHIPWRECK
Well, it'll never look realistic without official G. I. Joe SmokeShifters.
GEORGE
SmokeShifters? SmokeShifters, of course! Marty, we've got to have SmokeShifters.
MARTY
SmokeShifters?
GEORGE
Absolutely. I won't film without them. He can get them in Hollywood. Give him money and a car.
BLOWTORCH
So, Shipwreck's paradin' off to Hollywood after all.
COVER GIRL
And someone better keep him out of trouble.
GEORGE
Say, Marty, what is a SmokeShifter, anyway?
ZARTAN
Torch, follow Shipwreck and Cover Girl. Keep them busy while I prepare a little surprise for our other G. I. Joe friends. Buzzer, Ripper, into the desert.
ZARTAN
I've gotta hand it to Cobra. Their gear runs rings around yours.
RECONDO
Just because you look like Zartan doesn't mean you gotta think like him.
ZARTAN
Face it. This is just a piece of trash.
DUSTY
All right, Recondo, simmer down, now.
ZARTAN
On the other hand, that Cobra Python Cycle is a beauty.
RECONDO
Look, buster, I'm not lettin' some play actor put down my unit and its gear!
ZARTAN
Then prove it's better...wiith a midnight race!
EXT. DESERT - NIGHT
BUZZER
Not yet. Wait 'til they get in range.
DUSTY
We'd better get back to the set!
RECONDO
Later! After we show this bozo who's got the best equipment!
RECONDO
It's...the real...Zartan
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT
COVER GIRL
Shipwreck! Shipwreck!
SHIPWRECK (O.C.)
Who you callin' a cheat?
COVER GIRL
I think I've found him.
INT. HOLLYWOOD POOL HALL
COVER GIRL
Figures, Shipwreck! You would be...in the sleaziest hole in...Hollywood!
SHIPWRECK
Ah, shut up and fight!
TORCH
Hello, police? I'd like to report a riot.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - POOL HALL
EXT. DESERT LOCATION - NIGHT
BLOWTORCH
Shipwreck trottin' off, sure. But I wouldn't of thought it of Dusty and Recondo.
MARTY
All right! Quiet on the set!
ZARTAN
Buzzer, drop that tower right on the director. Ripper, you take care of the last two Joes. I'll plant some explosives and rip this place apart.
GEORGE
And action!
MUTT
Look! Those aren't actors! Those are Dreadnoks!
MUTT
Be my guest.
ZARTAN
You fool! We'll all be killed!
MUTT
What happened?
BLOWTORCH
Zartan and his lads, they laid us low, that's what.
MARTY
Oh, this is terrible.
GEORGE
It's fabulous, colossal! It's the most realistic battle scene ever filmed!
CAMERAMAN
Yeah. Too bad my camera was crushed under the water tower.
GEORGE
Crushed? Then we didn't.... Wait! I had four cameras running. The one at the side....
CAMERAMAN
Hit by a truck.
GEORGE
The ravine camera?
CAMERAMAN
Hit by shrapnel.
GEORGE
The long shot. We must've gotten the long shot. You! Did you get the battle on film?
LONG-SHOT CAMERAMAN
Ready when you are, Mister Lanceberg!
INT. HOLLYWOOD POLICE STATION
SHIPWRECK
Uh, Cover Girl and me, we were wonderin', could you come bail us out?
GEORGE (PHONE)
Bail you out? Why you worthless, no good parasite!
SHIPWRECK
Touchy, touchy. I guess the movie's not goin' too well.
EXT. POLICE STATION - MORNING
SHIPWRECK
Why in the blue blazes didn't you tell us Dusty and Recondo were missin'?
MUTT
'Cause you were in jail, barnacle brain?
COVER GIRL
But what does Zartan want with that captured Firebat?
MARTY
Hey! Where are you goin'? We got a movie to shoot! That's my limo!
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - PROP LOT
COVER GIRL
We've gotta find some way to search for Recondo and Dusty
SHIPWRECK
Uh, you know, if Zartan wants that Firebat, maybe I oughta stay behind and guard it. After all, what use is a sailor in the desert?
COVER GIRL
Mutt and Junkyard can guard it. I wanna keep an eye on you.
SHIPWRECK
Ouch! Let go!
MUTT
Looks like we drew guard duty again, old buddy.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - MIRACLE STUDIOS
MARTY
Uh, what are you shooting today?
GEORGE
Aerial footage with the Rattler and the Flight Pods...
COVER GIRL
Sorry, guys! We've got to borrow your Flight Pods and a Rattler to look for our pals!
SHIPWRECK
Tell all the starlets I'll be back to sign autographs!
COVER GIRL
Shipwreck!
SHIPWRCK
Ah, you're no fun anymore.
INT. MOTEL
ZARTAN
Zartan to Cobra Commander, come in Cobra Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER
Zartan, you fool! You failed to destroy the Firebat!
ZARTAN
Watch who you call fool!
COBRA COMMANDER
And Torch was captured!
BUZZER
Captured?
RIPPER
We got to spring him!
COBRA COMMANDER
No! First the Firebat, then Torch.
EXT. DESERT - DAY
RECONDO
Ugh. How can you stand this heat?
DUSTY
Be mellow, man. The heat ain't so bad if you don't move.
RECONDO
Coyote.
DUSTY
They're only dangerous in packs.
RECONDO
You and your big mouth.
SHIPWRECK
Flyin' over the desert! This ain't no job for a sailor.
SHIPWRECK
Well, well. What have we here?
DUSTY
Don't waste your energy. Wait 'til they charge.
RECONDO
If they charge, we're dog meat.
DUSTY
Get lost!
RECONDO
Great, first coyotes, now Cobras.
SHIPWRECK
Yo Joe!
DUSTY
Wait a minute. Listen.
DUSTY AND RECONDO
Shipwreck?
SHIPWRECK
Cover Girl and Blowtorch, I've found 'em!
SHIPWRECK
Yow! Beat it, ya crazy coyote!
SHIPWRECK
Meep. Meep.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - PROP LOT
SHIPWRECK
Hey, Mutt! We found Recondo and Dusty! Cover Girl and Blowtorch are takin' 'em to the hospital and...Mutt? Junkyard?
SHIPWRECK
Avast, you slime back! I've had my fill o' ya!
SHIPWRECK
You three goons are gonna hurt yourselves travelin' alone like this.
ZARTAN
The automatic homing device will deliver the Firebat to Cobra headquarters while we rescue Torch.
MUTT
Holy cow. Shipwreck's in there.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
COBRA
Firebat's approaching! Defense position!
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent. Zartan sent back the Firebat and a Joe!
SHIPWRECK
Okay, landlubbers, you're all my prisoners!
COBRA COMMANDER
Take him inside for our amusement.
EXT. STUDIO COMMISSARY - NIGHT
INT. STUDIO COMMISSARY
BLOWTORCH
Well, now we know what Zartan wanted the Firebat for. It must've had some kind of homing device that took it straight back to Cobra headquarters.
MUTT
Blast! We had their secret right in our hands. And we lost it, and Shipwreck, and got Dusty in the hospital.
MARTY
So, there you are! Yes, resting up from your big day! What's on tomorrow's agenda? Gonna burn down the studio?
COVER GIRL
That's it! The studio!
MUTT
What? You mean we are gonna burn it down?
COVER GIRL
No! I mean, maybe we can use some Hollywood magic to get Shipwreck back.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
SHIPWRECK
You expect me to talk, Cobra?
COBRA COMMANDER
No. We expect you to fry.
SHIPWRECK
I was afraid you'd say that.
COBRA COMMANDER
Begin the game!
SHIPWRECK
Look out! Whoop! I hate dancin' without a partner!
CRIMSON GUARD [Michael Bell]
Sir, a message on our ultra-secret frequency, from the G. I. Joe force.
COBRA COMMANDER
What?
COVER GIRL
This is the G. I. Joe force in Hollywood, calling Cobra Commander.
INT. DUNGEON SET
COVER GIRL
I think Torch is about to tell us the location of Cobra headquarters.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
DESTRO
Incredible. They've stooped to using your tactics.
COVER GIRL
Send us Shipwreck, or Torch is gonna look like a pin cushion!
COBRA COMMANDER
We can't risk his revealing our location. Stop!
SHIPWRECK
Oh, boy!
INT. DUNGEON SET
COVER GIRL
Okay, quit padding your part.
RECONDO
So much for my brilliant Hollywood career.
INT. POLICE STATION
POLICEWOMAN [Liz Aubrey]
How long is he gonna be our guest?
POLICEMAN [Arthur Burghardt]
The FBI picks him up tomorrow.
RIPPER, BUZZER, AND ZARTAN
Cobra!
EXT. POLICE STATION
ZARTAN
Why weren't you in maximum security?
TORCH
I don't know, Zartan. They took me to the movie studio so that female Joe could study me face.
ZARTAN
Study your face? She's a make-up expert! She must be up to something!
EXT. MOTEL - LATE AFTERNOON
INT. MOTEL
ZARTAN
Zartan to Cobra Commander. Zartan to Cobra Commander. Come in!
TELE-VIPER
He's left, Zartan, to rescue man, Torch.
TORCH
Rescue? Me? Cool!
ZARTAN
Contact him! Tell him to turn back!
TELE-VIPER
I can't. He's under radio silence.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD SET - DAY
GEORGE
Two weeks behind schedule and not a single foot of usable battle film!
COBRA COMMANDER
Where is Torch?
COVER GIRL
You'll get him, after you turn Shipwreck loose!
COBRA COMMANDER
No! First you give us Torch! Then, if this one still lives....
RECONDO
He's no fool, is he? Now what?
SHIPWRECK
Let me loose!
DESTRO
It's a trick! Destroy them!
SHIPWRECK
What the bloody blue blazes is goin' on?
COBRA COMMANDER
Blast them into eternity! Scatter their bones at my feet!
DESTRO
They are mine.
MARTY
What's goin' on?
GEORGE
I don't know, but it looks wonderful. Film it!
SHIPWRECK
Just how do you plan to get outta here?
COVER GIRL
With them.
DESTRO
SkyStrikers!
ACE (O.C.)
Yo Joe!
DESTRO
They're behind us!
GEORGE
This is great!
JOES
Yo Joe!
COBRA COMMANDER
My Firebat is destroyed!
DESTRO
Cobra Commander....
COBRA COMMANDER
Get me out of here!
DESTRO
Very well. Follow my signal.
COBRA COMMANDER
This way! We must escape!
GEORGE
Follow them!
MARTY
Hey!
SHIPWRECK
Yo Joe!
COVER GIRL
Nice work. Now he'll slip out the back.
COBRA COMMANDER
You saved me!
DESTRO
I saved a customer.
EXT. HOLLYWOOD SET - DAY
MARTY
You've topped yourselves! Now you haven't just wrecked the movie; you wrecked an entire studio!
COVER GIRL
Yeah? Worse than that, Cobra Commander escaped!
GEORGE
But isn't it great? I got it all on film!
EXT. MANN'S CHINESE THEATER - NIGHT
SHIPWRECK
I'm really lookin' forward to finally seein' this!
GEORGE
Thank you all for coming. I've worked long and hard on this film to achieve nothing less than total authenticity. But this achievement would not have been possible without the support and cooperation of some very special people...my mom and my dad.
SHIPWRECK
Mom and dad? What about us? Why....
RECONDO
Easy, sailor. Get a grip!
SHIPWRECK
Let me at 'im! I'll mortalize the bum! I'll...
MUTT
Down, boy, down!