TWENTY QUESTIONS

EXT. COMBAT RANGE - DAY
FLINT
Yo Joe!
ALPINE
Yo Joe!
SHIPWRECK
Eat hot salt tabs, ya scurvy landlubbers!
SHIPWRECK
Ah, ya got me!
ALPINE
Shipwreck, that is pathetic.
SHIPWRECK
Says you. I thought I deserved an Oscar.
ALPINE
Yeah, my uncle Oscar, the moocher.
SCARLETT (O.C.)
Cease fire! Everybody, cease firing! Civilians in the battle area!
ALPINE
Aw, nuts! Just when the fight was getting dirty.
HECTOR RAMIREZ [Neil Ross]
Are we ready, Tom?
TOM [Frank Welker]
We're rollin'!
RAMIREZ
Good. This is Hector Ramirez reporting for your TV news magazine Twenty Questions. And below us is the G. I. Joe Team, America's special anti-terrorist task force. But does America need them? Some people claim the Joes are a needless military extravagance at best, and a blatant rip-off of the American taxpayer at work. Cut! Okay, how was that?
ARNOLD [Michael Bell?]
Yes, yes, perfect! Perfect!
FLINT
Okay, what in the name of sanity are you people doin' here? This is a restricted area!
RAMIREZ
How do you answer the claim that Cobra is only an elaborate hoax to bilk the government of billions of dollars?
FLINT
What?
GUNG-HO
Careful, Flint. That's that TV news guy.
ALPINE
Yeah. He'll feed you lines and hang you with 'em.
FLINT
Uh, sorry, no comment at this time.
RAMIREZ
Then I demand to see your commanding officer.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DUKE'S OFFICE
FLINT
Duke's off base. He won't be back for a couple of hours. But you gentlemen can wait here in his office, and I'll get a guide to show you around the base.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
ALPINE
Now what, semi-fearless leader?
FLINT
Find a guide and call for Duke.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DUKE'S OFFICE
RAMIREZ
Well, if they're siphoning off millions, they sure aren't spending it on interior decorating.
ARNOLD
That, that's what they want you to think! My friends, the Committee On Basic Reductions of Armies, has conclusive proof that the entire G. I. Joe-Cobra conflict is faked! F-A-K-E-D! Faked!
TOM
Come off it! I've seen the news footage. It's real.
ARNOLD
Oh, well, Hector if you're gonna let the hired help influence the decisions....
TOM
Hired help?
RAMIREZ
Cool it, Tom. I make the decisions. Hmm, I wonder if there's an Emmy in this for me?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - REC ROOM
SHIPWRECK
Ah, gentlemen, observe the properties of the cue ball. So round, so firm. Wanna bet I can make it sit up and bark?
SPIRIT
What the universe wills the ball to do, it shall do. There are no games in chance in the....
SHIPWRECK
Good ol' Spirit. Mr. Frivolity.
FLINT
Shipwreck, I've got a job for you.
SHIPWRECK
Oh, sorry. Can't take it, Flint. I was killed in action during maneuvers.
FLINT
Look, stow it, Shipwreck. I have three civilians who need babysitting.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
SHIPWRECK
And here's where we keep our Sky Hawks, SkyStrikers, and Dragonflies.
RAMIREZ
What about Sky Hawk cost overruns?
SHIPWRECK
I don't know nothin' about it.
ARNOLD
He, he's just putting up obstacles!
SHIPWRECK
Obstacles, huh? You wanna see obstacles?
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - OBSTACLE COURSE
SHIPWRECK
Over there, you got what you got your swingin' log obstacle...and your tire obstacle...and your brick wall obstacle.
ARNOLD
Oh, p-perfect training, if you plan to fight...to fight in a playground!
SHIPWRECK
I'll show you our playground, mate!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - LIGHT WEAPONS RANGE
SHIPWRECK
This is our light weapons range. We practice on pop-up cardboard targets.
ARNOLD
How appropriate, since your enemy is also a cardboard fabrication!
SHIPWRECK
That does it, you blasted bilge rats! I'll prove to you once and for all that Cobra's for real!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - THREAT UPDATE ROOM
SHIPWRECK
You! I told you to stay outside! No filmin' in here! Top secret!
ARNOLD
Uh, wouldn't it be better if all these computers were used to stop world hunger, instead of....
SHIPWRECK
What are you gonna do? Feed the world a short stack of floppy disks?
ARNOLD
Well it makes more sense than fighting senseless battles against non-existent - NON-EXISTENT ENEMIES!
SHIPWRECK
Senseless, huh? Non-existent, huh? The computer says our made-up snakes have got somethin' cookin' in the Rockies. Let's just take a trip and see, huh?
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
SHIPWRECK
Just lay low 'til we get outta here. I'll show you some real Cobra activity.
RIP CORD
Hey, Shipwreck, what's up?
SHIPWRECK
Uh, just takin' her up for a test flight, guys.
ACE
Need a co-pilot?
SHIPWRECK
No, uh, no, no thanks, Ace.
ACE
Hey, I thought he was supposed to be showin' some civilians around.
SHIPWRECK
Next stop, the Rockies!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ZARTAN
Get ready. Another aircraft approaches.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
RIPPER
Heading straight at us, mate.
BUZZER
Cor! I ain't destroyed nothin' in two or three days!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ARNOLD
What a waste of taxpayers' time and money! Joyriding over the Rockies!
SHIPWRECK
Joyride? If we spot Cobra, this is one ride you'll never forget!
ZARTAN
Fire.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
BUZZER
Right, then.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
SHIPWRECK
Uh-oh, SAM!
ARNOLD
My name is Arnold, not Sam!
SHIPWRECK
Not Sam! S-A-M! Surface-to-Air Missile! Now shut up and let me fly!
SHIPWRECK
Told you you'd never forget this ride! Now all we've gotta do is live through it!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
COVER GIRL
Shipwreck? Hey, Shipwreck! Where are you?
GUNG-HO
Flint wants you and your guests!
GUNG-HO
Ace, Rip Cord, either of you guys seen Shipwreck?
ACE
He took off.
GUNG-HO
Took off?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - THREAT ROOM
RIP CORD
Said he was goin' on a test flight. I thought it looked suspicious. So I checked around and found Shipwreck and those civilians had been here.
COVER GIRL
Bad news. If that computer's right, Shipwreck's heading toward the Rockies and certain death.
GUNG-HO
You mean Cobra?
COVER GIRL
I mean Duke, when he finds out.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ARNOLD
You're gonna kill us!
SHIPWRECK
Shut up! I know what I'm doin'!
SHIPWRECK
See, I told you I'd get us down safe.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - REC ROOM
ALPINE
Yucko! How disgustin'! Probably gonna die from some disease.
SPIRIT
Have no fear for my health, Alpine.
ALPINE
I don't. I'm worried about Freedom.
COVER GIRL
Alpine! We need your help. Shipwreck may be in trouble somewhere in the Rockies.
ALPINE
Naturally. Where else would you expect to find a sailor in trouble?
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
SHIPWRECK
We'll find that Cobra missile launcher around here somewhere.
ARNOLD
Missile launcher? Missile launcher? A wild goose chase to keep us from the story!
SHIPWRECK
I'll launch you if you don't keep your fool trap shut! Wait, listen.
SHIPWRECK
Hey! Hey! Over here! Yo Joe!
COVER GIRL
Keep a sharp eye peeled for Shipwreck and Cobra.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
RIPPER
Zartan, I'm pickin' up something' on the radar.
ZARTAN
A Joe search party. Alert Cobra Commander and ready the missiles!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
SHIPWRECK
Come back, ya scurvy hounds! Ah, my own buddies leavin' me strandin' out here with....
SHIPWRECK
What the...Cobra!
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
ZARTAN
Lock in on targets.
RIPPER
Right-o!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
RAMIREZ
Shipwreck, what's going on?
SHIPWRECK
Get back! It's a Cobra missile! If it launches, we'll all be killed!
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
ZARTAN
Fire.
BUZZER
With pleasure, Zartan.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
BUZZER
Zartan, the fire control mechanism is out!
ZARTAN
Cobra Commander must stop them while we fix the launcher!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Rattlers, attack!
WILD WEASEL
Cobra!
COVER GIRL
Rattlers!
ALPINE
I'll be okay! Save yourselves! Yo Joe!
SHIPWRECK
They'll be slaughtered unless I re-rig this launcher!
WILD WEASEL
Wild Weasel to Rattler squadron! Don't let them get behind you!
SHIPWRECK
Got it!
WILD WEASEL
What? Missiles, on our tails!
SHIPWRECK
You can just ignore 'em, Arnold! They's all imaginary! How do you like that?
ZARTAN
Very clever. Had you remembered to watch behind you, it might have been worth it.
GUNG-HO
That's Shipwreck's copter, all right.
COVER GIRL
But where's the sailor boy himself?
ALPINE
You know him. Late to his own funeral.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - ELEVATOR
ARNOLD
It's all a fake, a fake I tell you!
RAMIREZ
Yes, Shipwreck. You'd better come clean while you still can.
ZARTAN
Silence!
INT. HIDDEN BASE
ANNOUNCER (COMM.)
Zero-three-nine contingency in the lower aft receiving dock. All troops report for briefing.
SHIPWRECK
Sufferin' seaweed!
ANNOUNCER (COMM.)
Tonight's movie is "The Amusement Park of Terror." It's mayhem on the merry-go-round and revenge on the roller coaster as the bad guys try to beat the good guys on the Ferris wheel.
COBRA COMMANDER
Good, Zartan! You've captured the intruders!
RAMIREZ
Who's that bozo?
SHIPWRECK
That moron is Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Your scouting mission was a failure, Shipwreck. Even if you'd /words missing/, you'd never be able to stop our assault on the Rocky Mountain Chemical Weapons Arsenal..
SHIPWRECK
You're after that explosive gas, the stuff the Army buried around here!
COBRA COMMANDER
You may have qualms about using such weapons, but Cobra does not!
RAMIREZ
Oh, now, wait just a minute! Can the charade! This is all a fake! Tell 'em Arnold.
"ARNOLD" (in the Baroness's voice)
Fool! You are the stupidest male I ever met!
SHIPWRECK
I coulda told you that.
BARONESS
You vain, babbling, moronic peacock! My mission was to undermine Joe support and morale by feeding you mindless drivel for your news program, but that...that sailor ruined everything!
SHIPWRECK
Glad to oblige, Baroness.
ANNOUNCER (COMM.)
Preliminary shock troops, prepare to move out. Now!
COBRA COMMANDER
Zartan, lead the operation. I will stay to monitor Joe activity.
COBRA COMMANDER
Within hours, all the explosive gas will belong to Cobra!
SHIPWRECK
And you're just the type to use it.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
DUKE
I got here as fast as I could. This guy Hector Ramirez is the type of news man who loves doing a hatchet job on the military. Where is he?
FLINT
I don't know. I asked Shipwreck to take him around the base, and now he and Shipwreck are missing.
BREAKER
Duke, Flint! We intercepted a Cobra radio message. They're attackin' the Chemical Weapons Arsenal!
DUKE
We can't let them get that gas. Sound the alert! We'll worry about Ramirez later.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
INT. HIDDEN BASE - TUNNEL
COBRA COMMANDER
Thanks to our tunneling machines, we found this previously undiscovered cavern! A perfect base for our operation!
SHIPWRECK
I always said you couldn't tell your base from a hole in the ground!
COBRA COMMANDER
I will not allow such impertinence, especially from an enlisted man! Baroness, do the honors!
BARONESS
With pleasure.
COBRA COMMANDER
Pulverize them!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
GUNG-HO
Every Cobra trooper in the world was hidden in that mountain!
SPIRIT
He wants us to see something.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLEARING
WILD WEASEL
Help, anybody! Help!
COVER GIRL
All right, we'll save you...for a price.
WILD WEASEL
Anything! Anything!
COVER GIRL
Where's Shipwreck and the others?
WILD WEASEL
I...I don't know.
COVER GIRL
Then adios.
WILD WEASEL
Wait! They might be in the cavern. Save me and I'll tell you how to sneak in.
GUNG-HO
Now talk.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - TUNNEL
RAMIREZ
Wait! One last request! An interview!
COBRA COMMANDER
What did you say?
RAMIREZ
An interview! I want to interview you!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CHEMICAL WEAPONS ARSENAL
SOLDIER [Michael Bell]
Sound the alarm!
ZARTAN
Fools, take out the towers only! Hit a gas bunker and we'll all explode!
INT. GAS BUNKER
BUZZER
This is the non-lethal stuff. Laughing gas, tear gas, you know.
BUZZER
That there's the explosive gas.
ZARTAN
Radio Cobra Commander that we're bringing it all in. Waste not, want not.
EXT. HIDDEN BASE - EXHAUST VENT
ALPINE
Here it is, the exhaust vent that snake told us about.
COVER GIRL
Right under our noses.
INT. HIDDEN BASE
ZARTAN
Baroness, we captured the explosive gas. Why isn't Cobra Commander here to witness my triumph?
BARONESS
He's being interviewed for TV.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Then after leading a mutiny at my military academy....
INT. HIDDEN BASE
BUZZER
Listen up, you bloody dingos!
TORCH
Explosive gas to the left!
RIPPER
Laughing gas, tear gas, and the rest by the command module!
GUNG-HO
Can you make any more noise than that, Alpine?
ALPINE
Shut up, unless you wanna fly downstairs.
SPIRIT
Fly. Good idea. Freedom, find Shipwreck.
BARONESS
Look, an eagle has gotten into the cavern. Bye-bye, birdie.
SHIPWRECK
Freedom! You ain't cookin' my friend's goose!
ALPINE
They must've spotted us.
COVER GIRL
No sense being subtle now.
JOES
Yo Joe!
ZARTAN
G. I. Joe! We're under attack!
GUNG-HO
Why aren't they shootin' back?
ALPINE
Maybe 'cause we're sittin' on a truckload of explosive gas.
GUNG-HO
Hey, ain't that....
COVER GIRL
Shipwreck! He's gonna crush those gas cylinders!
COBRA [Bill Ratner]
Itching gas!
GUNG-HO
Explosions!
SPIRIT
There'll be a cave-in!
ALPINE
We'll all be crushed!
SHIPWRECK
Hate to laugh and run, but we've gotta get outta here!
COBRA COMMANDER
They're escaping! The cavern's exploding! What's so funny?
COBRA COMMANDER
No!
SHIPWRECK
We'd better get out before everything collapses!
ZARTAN
If we don't get out of here, we're finished!
BUZZER
Well, c'est la vie, mate!
ZARTAN
No, really! Come on! We must escape!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Any sign of where Cobra went?
FLINT
No. The trail seems to disappear.
FLINT
Wait, look out there!
DUKE
This must be Cobra's doing!
SHIPWRECK
Uh-oh!
DUKE
Shipwreck! Would you mind telling me what the bloody blue blazes is goin' on?
RAMIREZ
It was great! It was wonderful! Emmy material! A Pulitzer prize! There's was laughing gas, and fighting, and guns, and explosions! I got it all on tape! I've got to get this to my network! Fantastic! What a scoop!
RAMIREZ (CONT.)
Love you! You Joes are great!
DUKE
I'd like an explanation for all this!
DUKE
On second thought, forget it.