BAZOOKA SAW A SEA SERPENT

EXT. ISLAND - SUNSET
CUTTER
That's Pine Tree Cove up ahead. We'll put in there until I fix the engine.
BAZOOKA
Got somethin'...big!
ALPINE
Yeah, on which end of the line, pinhead?
BAZOOKA
No, honest! Help me!
BAZOOKA
Line broke.
ALPINE
Your line probably wore out while you were struggling with these.
CUTTER
Okay, cut the small talk and prepare to make camp. Bazooka, clean those fish for dinner. Alpine, you rustle up some firewood.
ALPINE
Firewood? You could cook those guppies over a match.
EXT. ISLAND - DUSK
CUTTER
Bazooka, old chum, that really hit the spot.
BAZOOKA
Thanks, Cutter.
ALPINE
I don't trust fish. Too many bones.
CUTTER
Yeah, it's obvious you didn't like 'em.
Alpine belches loudly.
ALPINE
Don't consider that a compliment. We're not in Turkey.
CUTTER
I'm gonna get at that engine.
BAZOOKA
Alpine, fireflies!
BAZOOKA
What? Hey!
BAZOOKA
Hey, Alpine, lookit!
ALPINE
What is it, man?
BAZOOKA
There! There! A Cobra Trubble Bubble, eaten by a sea serpent!
ALPINE
Eaten? By a sea serpent? Gimme a break, bubble gum brain.
CUTTER
It's okay, Bazooka. You're tired. Your imagination ran away with you.
BAZOOKA
I saw it, really!
EXT. PINE TREE COVE BASE - ROOF
INT. PINE TREE COVE BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Professor Braxton was foolish to try to escape.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) We remain (X) unimpressed.
COBRA COMMANDER
You will see. Braxton was a mere appetizer for the monster I'm about to unleash upon the world!
EXT. OCEAN - SEA SERPENT
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
BAZOOKA
Bet it was the sea serpent broke my line.
ALPINE
Stow the fish tale, will you?
CUTTER
There's somethin' out there! Ahoy there!
JIMMY [Mary McDonald-Lewis]
Hang on, Mom! They see us!
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
CUTTER
You'll be okay. We've got a doctor about the Flagg.
JIMMY
The Flagg? G. I. Joe's aircraft carrier?
BAZOOKA
Yup.
JIMMY
Wow.
EXT. OCEAN - USS FLAGG
INT. USS FLAGG
CUTTER
I have to take off. Don't let anyone mess with the WHALE 'til I get back.
ALPINE
Who'd want to?
BAZOOKA
Duke wants to talk.
JIMMY
To me? Sure.
INT. USS FLAGG - CONTROL ROOM
DUKE
You and your folks had some experience last night, Jimmy.
JIMMY
Yes, sir.
DUKE
Can you tell us everything you remember?
JIMMY
Well, we were all asleep in our bunks when my dog Bucky started barking.
EXT. OCEAN - BOAT
JIMMY (V.O.)
We burst out on deck, and we saw something glowing under the water. Then, this huge, long shadow passed under the boat. And then, it bit us!
JIMMY (V.O.)
It ate the engine and the generator, and we didn't even see what it was.
INT. USS FLAGG - CONTROL ROOM
JIMMY
I...I guess it got Bucky, too.
BAZOOKA
Aw, tough.
DUKE
All right. Thanks, Jimmy. You're the best eyewitness we've had so far.
ALPINE
You mean there are others?
DUKE
Something attacked five other ships tonight. Nobody's seen what it is.
ALPINE
Heck, Bazooka knows. Go one. Tell him about the sea serpent.
JIMMY
Sea serpent?
DUKE
Can the comedy, Alpine. Bazooka, put Jimmy to bed and get back here.
JIMMY
Did you really see a sea serpent?
BAZOOKA
Uh-huh.
DUKE
Lady Jaye, you and Quick Kick grab a SkyStriker. See if you can spot the attacker from the air.
LADY JAYE
Right, Duke.
EXT. YACHT CLUB - DAY
BRITISH SOPHISTICATE
They can't be serious, holding the sea lanes for ransom, then meeting us out here in the open!
FRENCH SOPHISTICATE
These waterskiers, they are most unusual, no?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) All of you lost ships in the night. (T) If you don't want to lose the rest of your ships, (X) you will pay (T) every month (X) into these numbered Swiss bank accounts. (T) Remember, pay promptly (T and X) the first of every month.
EXT. MONDO TANGO - DAY
DUKE (COMM.)
Lady Jaye, come in. Over.
LADY JAYE
Lady Jaye here. What have you got, Duke.
DUKE (COMM.)
You ought to be approaching Mondo Tango about now.
LADY JAYE
It's just out the window, practically waving to us.
DUKE (COMM.)
Shipwreck's stumbled onto something. He's on the south beach. Can you land there?
LADY JAYE
The question is, could we resist?
EXT. MONDO TANGO - BEACH
SHIPWRECK
I shoulda known you two would show up at naptime. Have a cold one.
QUICK KICK
Gone native, Shipwreck?
SHIPWRECK
Witch doctor's orders. Restin' and relaxation. A few hours ago, a fisherman got the wits scared out of him. Saw something on the other side of the island.
EXT. MONDO TANGO - COAST
SHIPWRECK
We're almost there.
LADY JAYE
Feelin' like a swim?
EXT. COBRA YACHT - DAY
INT. COBRA YACHT
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) The merchant shipping companies have (X) agreed to your demands.
COBRA COMMANDER
It's working. I was certain it would.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
We remain skeptical.
COBRA COMMANDER
Naturally, because you foolishly failed to invest in my serpent!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) You lost control (X) and went over budget.
COBRA COMMANDER
I am in complete control! I....
TOMAX AND XAMOT
He's in complete control.
COBRA COMMANDER
No! You fools! What have you done?
EXT. COBRA YACHT - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER (O.C.)
Stop! Stop, I command you!
INT. SEA SERPENT - THROAT
LADY JAYE
Whoa!
LADY JAYE
Quick Kick, get out here!
PROF. BRAXTON
Jump now! Jump for your life!
PROF. BRAXTON
Hello. I'm Professor Braxton.
LADY JAYE
Lady Jaye.
PROF. BRAXTON
Delighted! Please hurry, we haven't much time.
LADY JAYE
No. I've got a buddy on that boat.
PROF. BRAXTON
Dear lady, you mustn't worry. He'll be all right. In fact, all of them will be just fine.
INT. SEA SERPENT - HOLDING AREA
COMPUTER
You have been identified as human. Will you work?
COBRA #1 [Michael Bell]
I got a choice?
COMPUTER
Negative.
COBRA #1
Guess I'll work.
COMPUTER
Will you work?
COBRA COMMANDER
Say no. I want to see what happens.
COBRA #2
No.
COMPUTER
Will you work?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes!
COMPUTER
Will you work?
QUICK KICK
Work?! You bet your life, doll.
INT. SEA SERPENT - TUNNEL
PROF. BRAXTON
We're almost there.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
PROF. BRAXTON
We're safe. I've made this room immune to rejection by her biomechanical system.
LADY JAYE
Bucky, I presume. Jimmy will be glad to know you're okay.
PROF. BRAXTON
He'll rue the day he forced me to design to turn my engineering masterpiece into a nightmare monster. Uh-oh.
LADY JAYE
What's that?
PROF. BRAXTON
An enforcer element. They're getting to be everywhere.
PROF. BRAXTON
The sorting room. Those are sailors from the ships she's devoured.
LADY JAYE
Don't they ever sleep?
PROF. BRAXTON
They get a break every two hours around the clock.
LADY JAYE
Wait! That's my friend. Show me what's happening to him.
PROF. BRAXTON
Sure.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SORTING ROOM
COMPUTER
You are not on coffee break. Work, work, work!
CAPTIVE
Make a little pile, mes ami. You must never be stopping ze work. Only, only during....
COMPUTER
Coffee break.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
PROF. BRAXTON
Your foul greed has enslaved you at last!
LADY JAYE
Cobra Commander working? Oh, that is an amusing thought.
LADY JAYE
What's that?
PROF. BRAXTON
She's locked onto another target! She's totally out of control!
EXT. OCEAN - CRUISE SHIP
REPORTER (HOWARD)
This just in. A monster is terrorizing the sea lanes. We switch you now to our on-the-spot reporter, Mike Ferguson.
MIKE FERGUSON (COMM.) [Neil Ross?]
As you can sea, Howard, it's a terrible sight.
TRAVELER
It's live, on the news!
MIKE
We're moving in now for a closer....
MIKE
It's...it's eyeing us. Hungrily, Howard! This could be my last live report!
MIKE (O.C.)
Wait! G. I. Joe has arrived on the scene! It looks like we owe Gung-Ho, Wild Bill, and Airborne our lives!
WILD BILL
This here's a showdown, you scaly varmint!
WILD BILL
Yeehoo!
DEEP SIX
Deep Six to USS Flagg, I'm going after the serpent!
INT. PINE TREE COVE BASE
MIKE (COMM.)
Back to you, Howard!
HOWARD
And there you have it. Horror on the high seas. Even G. I. Joe can't stop this monster.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Cobra Commander has been (X) swallowed by his own stupidity.
BARONESS
So? What are we to do about it?
DESTRO
Nothing. Let the Joes wear themselves out.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Our sentiments precisely. (T) Let the Joes suffer the loss in (X) equipment, men, and money, (T) and when they stop the serpent, (X) we move in. (T and X) Agreed?
DESTRO AND BARONESS
Agreed.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SORTING ROOM
CAPTIVE
Look there. A professor has spoken to me through this. He says, "Be cool."
QUICK KICK
What does he mean by that?
COMPUTER
Coffee break.
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Quick Kick?
QUICK KICK
Lady Jaye?
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
LADY JAYE
Professor Braxton is trying to sabotage the hunger drive mechanism so the serpent will stop eating.
PROF. BRAXTON
Drat! Not now!
PROF. BRAXTON
Oh, no! The filament destroyed the override circuit. Now she'll never stop eating!
INT. SEA SERPENT - SORTING ROOM
PROF. BRAXTON (CONT., COMM.)
She'll digest her prey through the biomechanical self-repair unit, adding its bulk to her own!
QUICK KICK
Get to the point already.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
PROF. BRAXTON
The more she eats, the more she'll grow!
EXT. OCEAN - SEA SERPENT
DEEP SIX (O.C.)
Deep Six to USS Flagg, something's happening inside the serpent.
DEEP SIX
It got bigger, Duke! Hit me hard! And now it's gone!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIEFING ROOM
DUKE
If the thing's growing, it's gotta have food. I think I know where it's going. New York Harbor. And we're gonna get there first.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
DUKE
Checkpoint bridge, report.
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
WILD BILL
Smooth as glass on your side, Duke. The world's movin' into place.
BAZOOKA
Emergency! Get to shore!
BREAKER
Troops in place on the pier, Duke!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
DUKE
Great! Where's the Mauler?
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - STREETS
THUNDER
Aw, I'm stuck in traffic!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
DUKE
Here, stay tuned to the traffic reports! I'm goin' scoutin' for that thing in case it shows up before rush hour's over!
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
WILD BILL
There's the critter, right under me, movin' like lightnin'!
DUKE
Okay, pal, let's ram something hot down your throat!
DUKE
That missile didn't even crack a tooth! You guys'll have to do better!
DUKE
Where the blazes is that blasted Mauler?
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
LADY JAYE
Professor, you must do something! Millions are in jeopardy!
PROF. BRAXTON
I'm going to create an energy bleed. There will be a terrible internal disruption.
LADY JAYE
Hang on to your dog tags, Bucky.
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
BAZOOKA
Alpine! It's sinking!
ALPINE
Wrong! It's lookin' for a snack! It's heading for the docks.
BAZOOKA
We gonna stop it?
ALPINE
No, dum-dum! We're gonna ask it to dance! Yes, we're gonna try and stop it!
ALPINE
Grab your popgun and get ready!
ALPINE
I'll hang a left over its noggin'! Just pretend you're shootin' fish in a barrel!
ALPINE
Hey, dum-dum, beans for brains, where...where are you?
BAZOOKA
It's a boat, not a hot dog! Yo, serpent!
INT. PINE TREE COVE BASE
DESTRO
Now?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Now.
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
ALPINE
Where've you been, turkey?
BAZOOKA
Fishin'.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
LADY JAYE
Oh.
LADY JAYE
Can you walk, Professor?
PROF. BRAXTON
I don't think so. My leg...
LADY JAYE
No problem. The passage looks clear. How do we get to the red room?
PROF. BRAXTON
Just...keep walking.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SORTING ROOM
COMPUTER (repeatedly)
Coffee break.
COBRA COMMANDER
We are doomed, and these fools sleep! This is insane!
COBRA COMMANDER
Uh, you first.
EXT. OCEAN - SEA SERPENT
INT. SEA SERPENT - HALLWAY
LADY JAYE
What's in there, Professor?
PROF. BRAXTON
The ejection chamber. It's the only way out.
INT. SEA SERPENT - EJECTION CHAMBER
COBRA COMMANDER
Come in, Professor.
COBRA COMMANDER
Show me the way out.
PROF. BRAXTON
It's your serpent. You stole it. You figure it out!
COMPUTER
Will you work? Will you work? Will you work? Will you work? Will you....
COBRA COMMANDER
No!
PROF. BRAXTON
You reptilian twit!
LADY JAYE
Help! Quick Kick!
QUICK KICK (singing)
I'm the Barber of Seville!
COBRA COMMANDER
No! No!
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
JIMMY
Somebody's in there, alive!
JIMMY
It's, it's Bucky!
DUKE
Lady Jaye! Quick Kick! Are we glad you're safe! Who's your friend?
PROF. BRAXTON
The serpent's inventor, I'm afraid. And you're the brave fellow who destroyed her. Thank you, young man!
BAZOOKA
Was nothin', sir.
ALPINE
Let me get a shot of the prize catch! Say cheese, dips!
JOES
Yo Joe!