THE SYNTHOID CONSPIRACY, PART I

EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DUKE
This is Leader Joe calling command ship.
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
GEN .FRANKS [John Stephenson]
This is General Franks to Leader Joe, General Franks to Leader Joe. Is the area clear?
EXT. COMMAND SHIP - DAY
DUKE
Yes, sir, and we're ready for war games.
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
DESTRO
Commander, they'll discover us if we remain here much longer.
COBRA COMMANDER
In a few minutes they'll be too busy to notice, Destro.
DESTRO
Bah! Shoddy workmanship! If you'd bought it from me....
COBRA COMMANDER
No one invited you on this mission, Destro.
DESTRO
And what is this mission?
COBRA COMMANDER
You'll see soon enough. Now silence! I want to hear this.
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
ADM. LEDGER
We'll commence at exactly ten hundred hours. Will your team be ready?
EXT. COMMAND SHIP - DAY
DUKE
Yes, sir.
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
GEN. FRANKS
The Joes are really on the ball, eh, Erickson?
ERICKSON
Mm-hmm, yes, sir.
ADM. LEDGER
Enthusiastic young man.
EXT. COMMAND SHIP - DAY
DUKE
Leader Joe to Deep Six, are you in position?
DEEP SIX
Deep Six and Torpedo in position and ready to provide back-up assistance.
GEN. FRANKS
G. I. Joe is the best we've got.
COL. SHARP
As head of the Pentagon Budget Committee, General Howe, I'm sure you'll be impressed with their performance today.
GEN. HOWE [Pat Fraley?]
They always impress me, Colonel Sharp.
ADM. LEDGER
I'm most interested in seeing the USS Flagg in action.
GEN. FRANKS
You won't be disappointed, Admiral. Binoculars, please.
GEN. FRANKS
You're quiet today, Erickson.
ERICKSON
I'm fine, sir.
GEN. FRANKS
She's a beauty, all right.
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
SHIPWRECK
Come on, doll face. I know a little cafe in port where the spaghetti is great and the lights are dim. Let's you and I get together at....
SCARLETT
Let's not! And pretend we did, okay?
DUKE (COMM.)
Leader Joe to carrier Flagg.
SHIPWRECK
Carrier Flagg to Leader Joe.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DUKE
Permission to land.
SHIPWRECK (COMM.)
Landing pad clear, Leader Joe.
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
DUKE (COMM.)
Scarlett?
SCARLETT
Yes, Duke?
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DUKE
Scramble the SkyStrikers. I want them in the air at exactly ten hundred hours.
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
SCARLETT
I'm on my way. Sound the klaxon, Shipwreck.
SHIPWRECK
Scarlett, get 'em your best!
SCARLETT
I'll sink one for you, Shipwreck.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
ACE
Better get a move on, Wild Bill.
WILD BILL
Hey, what's the hurry? Y'all got at least, uh, two minutes left.
WILD BILL
My hat!
DUKE
Everyone, your attention, please. I know this is just for show, but the top Pentagon brass are watching on the command ship. So let's show 'em what G. I. Joe can do.
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
COBRA COMMANDER
All systems on! Take us to the rendezvous point!
DESTRO
But you're heading directly for their command ship!
COBRA COMMANDER
Where Zartan waits for us.
DESTRO
Zartan? If this is one of his schemes....
COBRA COMMANDER
Zartan and I've created this plan. Keep your weapons and your high and mighty airs to yourself! We're going to destroy G. I. Joe without you!
DESTRO
Indeed?
COBRA COMMANDER
But first we will humiliate them, destroy their spirit. Then lead them to their doom!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
DUKE
Let's go, team!
SCARLETT
Right behind you, Duke!
WILD BILL
Don't forget ol' Wild Bill bringin' in the rear!
DUKE
Let's knock 'em out of the water!
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
COBRA COMMANDER
These are my synthoids, perfect imitations of human beings.
DESTRO
And completely artificial, made from genetic engineering chemicals you bought from me.
COBRA COMMANDER
And they will follow orders without question.
DESTRO
How convenient.
COBRA COMMANDER
Synthoids, worship me.
SYNTHOIDS
Hail, Cobra! Hail, Cobra Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER
Let the attack begin!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DUKE
Arm missiles.
SCARLETT
Ready.
ACE
Ready.
FLINT
Ready.
DUKE
Fire!
SCARLETT
What happened?
DUKE
I don't know! Regroup!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
GEN. FRANKS
Incredible explosions, but they missed the ships entirely! There's something wrong.
COL. SHARP
Look!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DREADNOKS
Cobra!
DUKE
I'm hit!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
GEN. FRANKS
Cobra must've jammed the missile control devices!
ADM. LEDGER
I'll have my gunners open fire.
ZARTAN
Sorry, Admiral.
ZARTAN
I can't let you do that.
GEN. FRANKS
Zartan!
ZARTAN
Time for a nap, gentlemen.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
ACE
Duke, are you all right?
DUKE
I'm okay. Continue to counter-attack.
BUZZER
Hey, mate, take a dive!
SCARLETT
Duke!
WILD BILL
Wild Bill to Deep Six, Duke's gone under!
DEEP SIX
Okay, Wild Bill. We're on our way.
SCARLETT
Cobra Morays! Now what are they up to?
COBRA
G. I. Joe, have a taste of this!
SCARLETT
Eat missiles, fang features!
DEEP SIX
We're at Duke's parachute. Sonar search in progress.
DEEP SIX
Found him. He's directly underneath his parachute.
TORPEDO
Roger. Moving out!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
ZARTAN
Sweet dreams, gentlemen. Now to implement stage two.
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
COBRA COMMANDER
Synthoids, prepare to board the command ship.
SYNTHOIDS
Yes, master.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
SCARLETT
Shipwreck, those Cobra Morays are too close to our ships. Can you sink one for me?
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
SHIPWRECK
Does Popeye like spinach?
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
SHIPWRECK
Smokescreen! I can't see a thing!
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
SYNTHOIDS
Hail, Cobra!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
ZARTAN
Lovely. Lovely!
ZARTAN
Synthoids, put the officers in the basket.
SYNTHOIDS
Yes, master.
ZARTAN
Excellent. Excellent!
ZARTAN
Hurry! The smoke won't last much longer!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
SCARLETT
Wild Bill, see if you can get those Morays, will you?
WILD BILL
Yes ma'am.
WILD BILL
Gotcha! Yeehoo!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
ZARTAN
Hail, Cobra!
SYNTHOIDS
Hail, Cobra!
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
ZARTAN
Mission accomplished, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent. Take her down!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
BREAKER
Hey, Duke! General Franks wants to see you aboard the command ship, on the double!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
"GEN. FRANKS"
Sergeant, I'm holding you responsible for this disaster!
DUKE
Sir?
SCARLETT
But General, Cobra....
"GEN. FRANKS"
If your team were up to snuff, you'd have stopped Cobra before we were nearly killed! Return to the land base! You're of no use here!
DUKE
Colonel Sharp, we should investigate this senseless attack!
"COL. SHARP"
Request denied!
EXT. COMMAND SHIP - DECK
SCARLETT
Why do I feel like we just lost this battle?
DUKE
Well, let's not tell the others about this.
SCARLETT
All right, Duke.
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
COBRA COMMANDER
The first blow has been struck! Now we'll use their own authorities against them. We shall desroy them from within by creating one of their own.
DESTRO
So, a synthoid of a G. I. Joe. Which one?
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, that will keep. But we have a surprise for you, Destro. Show him, Zartan.
ZARTAN
With pleasure, Commander.
DESTRO
No! You wouldn't dare! A synthoid of me?
ZARTAN
Something bothering you, Destro? Kneel, slave.
COBRA COMMANDER
At least it obeys orders.
DESTRO
Destroy it. Destroy it, or I'll...!
COBRA COMMANDER
Easy, Destro. Allow me to demonstrate the neutralizer.
ZARTAN
No, not that setting! Use the short-distance setting or you'll destroy all the synthoids.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, sorry about that. Well. Oh, how temporary!
COBRA COMMANDER
Remember, Destro, even you can be replaced.
DESTRO
We shall see.
INT. PENTAGON - BUDGET MEETING
DEFENSE SECRETARY [Bill Ratner?]
Are you sure about this recommendation, General Howe?
"GEN. HOWE"
Absolutely. The G. I. Joe program is a drain on our resources. We must cut their funding in half.
OFFICIAL [Arthur Burghardt]
General Franks, you've always supported G. I. Joe. Do you agree?
"GEN. FRANKS"
Yes. In fact, I think we should do away with them completely.
DEFENSE SECRETARY
All right. The President trusts your judgment, General. I'll put the changes into effect immediatley.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - MOTOR POOL
COVER GIRL
Aw! Come on, come on, get on there!
CLUTCH
You okay, Cover Girl?
COVER GIRL
How can we fix our equipment without parts?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - SUPPLIES
ROCK 'N ROLL
Need some ammo for target practice, Sarge.
SERGEANT [Gregg Berger]
Sorry, Rock 'n Roll. That's all we can spare.
ROCK 'N ROLL
This is it? You gotta be kiddin'!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
SCARLETT
It doesn't make sense. Cobra never attacks without a reason.
DUKE
I agree they're up to something, but what?
DUKE
Hey, Junkyard, how's it going? You ol' hound dog!
DUKE
Hey, cut that out!
MUTT
Here, boy!
MUTT
Hope he wasn't botherin' you, Duke.
DUKE
No. Not at all.
ACE
Duke, we've got problems! We haven't enough fuel to get one plane off the ground!
COVER GIRL
I can't get parts for the tank!
CLUTCH
And we're runnin' out of oil and gas!
ROCK 'N ROLL
Ammunition's down to nothin'!
BLOWTORCH
I can't get any propane for my flamethrower!
COVER GIRL
Duke, the whole base is falling apart!
DUKE
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this right now!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
"COL. SHARP"
Look, sergeant. Your budget has been cut. You'll have to make do.
DUKE
But we need fuel, supplies, ammo!
"COL. SHARP"
Take it up with General Franks. He's on his way there for an inspection.
ROADBLOCK
Cobra air attack, comin' in fast!
DUKE
Patch me in to the intercom.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
DUKE (COMM.)
Attention, G. I. Joe units! All planes are grounded! Prepare to fight a ground-to-air defense!
PILOT [Neil Ross]
G. I. Joe Headquarters coming into range!
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Fire at will!
DUKE
Head for the shelter!
DUKE
Scarlett!
DUKE
That was close.
TORCH
Out o' the fryin' pan...
RIPPER
And into the fire, mate!
DUKE
Dreadnoks!
DUKE
Well now, three armed men against little ol' me! Okay, who's gonna be first?
BUZZER
Well actually, we're not here to fight.
DUKE
Oh, tryin' to improve your image, huh?
SCARLETT
What happened?
ROCK 'N ROLL
Hop in, Scarlett!
SCARLETT
Thanks, Rock 'n Roll! Let's get outta here!
ROADBLOCK
You Cobra goons, maybe this will even the odds a little!
DUKE
All right, let's get it over with!
RIPPER
This guy's one tough cookie!
ZARTAN
Hold him, you fools!
DUKE
Zartan!
ZARTAN
You were expecting maybe Spiderman?
ZARTAN
Do you think you can handle him now, you meatheads?
MUTT
Don't move a muscle or you've had it!
GUNG-HO
Out of ammo!
SCARLETT
Rock 'n Roll, get me a little closer so I can get a bead on that FANG copter!
ROCK 'N ROLL
Roger!
ROCK 'N ROLL
We're outta gas!
SCARLETT
How can they expect us to defend the base without giving us equipment that works?
ROCK 'N ROLL
It's Duke!
SCARLETT
He needs help!
COVER GIRL
Duke, get on!
ROADBLOCK
The Cobras are leavin'!
ROCK 'N ROLL
Just like that?
SCARLETT
Another senseless attack, like the one on the ship!
"DUKE"
Strange, isn't it, Cover Girl?
SCARLETT
The name is Scarlett!
"DUKE"
Oh, yeah, of course. Scarlett. That's what I meant.
MUTT
Hey, Duke, can you beat that? Cobra's turned tail and left!
"DUKE"
Hey! Get that mutt away from me!
MUTT
Mutt? Who ya callin' mutt? I'm Mutt!
"DUKE"
Whatever. Just get him away from me!
MUTT
Sorry, Duke. Guess he's kind of excited.
SCARLETT
If they come back, we've had it. We've got to do something.
"DUKE"
Uh, yeah, um, something.
GUNG-HO
Uh-oh. We got company.
"GEN. FRANKS"
What's the meaning of this? Who's in charge here?
DUKE
Um...uh...
SCARLETT
Duke, are you all right?
SCARLETT
Uh, sorry, General, but it was another Cobra attack.
"GEN. FRANKS"
But look at all this damage! It's a disgrace!
SCARLETT
May I remind the general that you cut off our fuel and supplies. Our planes have been grounded, and....
"GEN. FRANKS"
I don't care for your tone of voice, young woman!
EXT. SKY - DAY
INT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
ZARTAN
Cobra Commander, we have the prisoner.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, welcome. I do believe it's Duke, the famous leader of the G. I. Joes!
DUKE
I don't know what the game is, Cobra, but G. I. Joe will be on your tail faster than....
COBRA COMMANDER
My game is to make you and all your friends suffer before I crush G. I. Joe out of existence! As for a rescue, first they have to notice that you are gone!
DUKE
That's me! I don't believe it!
COBRA COMMANDER
Watch closely. The best is yet to come.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
"GEN. FRANKS"
You G. I. Joes have destroyed millions of dollars worth of equipment and property!
SCARLETT
Wait a minute! We didn't ask Cobra to attack us!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Yes, but if you weren't here, there would have been no attack at all. Your very existence is a threat to our national security!
ROADBLOCK
Is there somethin' wrong with my ears? I could swear they're not workin' right.
ROCK 'N ROLL
Mutt, is the general talkin' about us?
"GEN. FRANKS"
Therefore, by the power vested in my by the President of the United States, I order you to disband! From this moment on, there is no more G. I. Joe!
SCARLETT
You can't mean it!
MUTT
No, Junkyard!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Get away! Get away from me!
MUTT
Junkyard! Back off, boy!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Take that dog and have it destroyed!
MUTT
No way.
SCARLETT
General Franks, I protest!
"DUKE"
Scarlett, the general's right. We shouldn't interfere.
MUTT
Keep your hands off my dog!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Shoot that deserter!
M.P.
But sir, he's unarmed!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Give me that gun! I'll do it myself.
"GEN. FRANKS"
Soldier, you're under arrest for gross insubordination and striking an officer. After that deserter!
ROCK 'N ROLL
I'll get him for you, General!
SCARLETT
Oh, Duke, the whole world's gone crazy!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - PERIMETER
ROCK 'N ROLL
Mutt, don't move!
TO BE CONTINUED...