THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT

INT. SCIENCE LAB
PROFESSOR BULLOCK
Gentlemen, you're seeing history in the making.
BAZOOKA
History?
ALPINE
Yeah. He just invented the world's biggest Roman candle.
BAZOOKA
Really?
BARBECUE
This is an important ecological experimentation, Alpine. Let me show you.
BARBECUE
Professor Bullock has developed a nitrogen-based fuel that doesn't leave a trace of pollution. And as you can see, it, uh, gets more miles to the gallon.
BULLOCK
Now, if you're finished, I have work to do!
BARBECUE
What's eatin' him?
INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET
CRIMSON GUARD 9 [Corey Burton?]
This is Crimson Guard Nine. Come in, Cobra HQ.
EXT. COBRA DESERT BASE - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
Come in, Number Nine. This is Cobra Commander. Have you got the fuel?
INT. COBRA DESERT BASE - COMMAND CENTER
CRIMSON GUARD 9 (COMM.)
It's heavily guarded. The G. I. Joes are....
INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
No excuses! Just do it!
INT. SCIENCE LAB
BULLOCK
The fuel is still too unstable to allow outside the lab. We don't know how it might react in a real environment. And until we do, the fuel must be kept at a constant temperature.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I hope I'm not disturbin' you. I've just come to clean up things a bit.
BULLOCK
How did you get past security? This is a classified area.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Huh? Oh, no.
BULLOCK
You imbecile!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I'm sorry, Professor. I'll have that cleaned up right away.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I'm really sorry!
ALPINE
Hold it right there, buddy!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
No, you hold it!
ALPINE
Get that guy!
WILD BILL
Give it up, buckaroo! The barn door's locked, and there ain't no other way out!
BULLOCK
You must be out of your mind! I'm reporting you to your supervisor!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Good luck, Professor. My supervisor's Cobra!
ALPINE
Cobra?
ALPINE
Let me guess. You always wanted to join the circus, right?
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Welcome to the act, clown!
ALPINE
Exactly where do you expect this to get you?
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Out!
BAZOOKA
No way!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Here's some trash for your can, dino-brain!
BAZOOKA
Gotcha!
BAZOOKA
Don't gotcha.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Considerate of your friend, making an exit for me!
EXT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Ho ho, Joe!
ALPINE
Come on, let's get 'em!
ALPINE
Well, watcha waitin' for, an invitation from the White House?
WILD BILL
Hey, my mama didn't raise no mountain goats.
ALPINE
Can't tell it by looin'.
BARBECUE
We'll meet you at the bottom.
ALPINE
Suit yourself.
BAZOOKA
Uh, wait up.
ALPINE
No, Bazooka!
BAZOOKA
That...that was easy.
WILD BILL
Well, you sure 'nuff beat us down here. Did you get the bad guy?
ALPINE
No.
WILD BILL
Yeah, them Cobra's are slipperier than new soap. Hop in.
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
CRIMSON GUARD 9
G. I. Joe!
INT. GREENHOUSE
CRIMSON GUARD 9
That was close.
INT. LATHROP HOUSE
HARVEY LATHROP [Corey Burton?]
Believe me, officer. I know the difference between an intruder and a banana plant, especially my own banana plant.
HARVEY
What do you mean "real emergency"? It can't be half as bad as what I've got!
INT. GREENHOUSE
POLICE OFFICER #1
Well, whaddya know? Harvey actually had an intruder!
POLICE OFFICER #2
Yeah. That breaks his record of a hundred and eighty-seven false alarms.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Okay, fella. Just come with us.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Thanks for the workout, guys.
HARVEY
Forgive me, baby, but I had to do it. He's obviously after my secret plant food formula.
HARVEY
Thank you for your swift attention, officer. I don't even know what I'd have done without you.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Yeah. Don't mention it.
POLICE OFFICER #2
Please don't mention it!
HARVEY
The bad man is gone now, children. But if he comes back, I'll be here to protect you. Nothing will stop you from growing big and strong! You'll be the hit of the county fair, and I'll make a fortune selling my Super-Grr-oh! Plant Food. And no one will laugh at Harvey Lathrop again!
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
EXT. LOCAL JAIL - DAY
INT. LOCAL JAIL - CELL
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) You were arrested for (X) assaulting two policemen. (T) How could you (X) be so stupid?
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I didn't have much choice, did I? Cobra....
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Shh!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Cobra Commander wouldn't have been very happy if I'd lost that fuel canister.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Exactly where is (X) the rocket fuel canister (T and X) now?
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I stashed it in some guy's greenhouse.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) But there must be (X) a thousand greenhouses in this town! (T) Wait, I've got a (X) marvelous idea. (T) We blanket the city with (X) Crimson Guards dressed like normal people. (T) We'll find the canister (X) in no time. (T and X) Brilliant!
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
GREENHOUSE OWNER [Michael Bell]
Whatcha doin', Missy?
CRIMSON GUARD POLLSTER
Just taking a census! You have just the one greenhouse, sir?
GREENHOUSE OWNER
Any fool can see that!
CRIMSON GUARD POLLSTER
Do you grow banana plants in pots?
GREENHOUSE OWNER
I sure do. And I can buy 'em at the county fair tomorrow. Now get!
HOMEMAKER
No, we don't grow banana plants in our greenhouse, but I'd still like a free copy of your magazine.
CRIMSON GUARD SALESMAN
Ah, forget it.
RESPONSIBLE BUSINESSMAN
No, you cannot "sack out in my greenhouse among my potted banana plants."
INT. HOUSE - DOORWAY
RESPONSIBLE BUSINESS
Sleeping with banana plants? Geez, must be from California.
EXT. COBRA DESERT BASE - NIGHT
INT. COBRA DESERT BASE - THRONE ROOM
DESTRO
None of the Crimson Guard troopers have been able to locate the fuel sample yet.
COBRA COMMANDER
This is your fault, Destro! I would now have the fuel in my possession if not for your bungling!
DESTRO
You're foaming at the mouth again, Cobra Commander. I wasn't even there.
COBRA COMMANDER
You should've been, Destro. You should've been!
DESTRO
Very well. I will find the sample myself and return with it before the sun sets on another day. Anything to get away from your lunatic ravings.
EXT. GREENHOUSE - NIGHT
HARVEY
Wow! I did it! I did it! I've invented a super plant food! This could get me on a big-time TV talk show! Starting tomorrow, no one will be laughing at Harvey Lathrop anymore!
HARVEY
Sleep well, babies. The county fair is tomorrow.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY
HARVEY
And this is nothing, folks! This is peanuts! In fact, you should see what Harvey's Super-Grr-oh! Plant Food does for peanuts!
SKEPTIC [Frank Welker]
It looks like a banana, but what's it taste like?
HARVEY
Come sample for yourself. Well, don't be bashful! There's plenty for everyone.
SKEPTIC
Hey! Get this thing off me! Somebody, get this thing off!
CROWD
Let's get outta here!, etc.
EXT. CITY ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL (COMM.)
Break off the search. Somethin' funny's goin' on over at the county fair.
ALPINE
What is it?
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY
WILD BILL
I can't rightly say, but there's more commotion there than a bear in a beehive.
ALPINE
Somethin' all right, but I don't know what.
HARVEY
What is it you want? More water? More fertilizer? I'll do anything.
HARVEY
Is that any way to talk to your father?
BAZOOKA
Oh, no!
HARVEY
Help!
ALPINE
Yo Joe!
ALPINE
This is no time to play tricks on your old pal! Where are you, you big Bazooka?
ALPINE
Is everything all right?
BAZOOKA
Needs sour cream.
ALPINE
Uh-oh. Company!
ALPINE
It's Cobra!
WILD BILL
Drop it, Destro, and don't make any sudden moves!
ALPINE
Not so fast, chrome dome!
DESTRO
Give it up, Joes! I've got the rocket fuel!
BARBECUE
Okay, Destro, you wanna play hardball?
BARBECUE
He's not out of commission yet. Move in alongside him.
BARBECUE
Hey, Destro! Want me to put your fire out?
BARBECUE
This extinguishing foam should short-circuit his controls.
DESTRO
You'll pay for your insolence!
DESTRO
Let me show you how to fly, Joe!
ALPINE
Nice piloting, Wild Bill, but you lost your Dragonfly.
WILD BILL
Yeah, but I saved the world.
EXT. COBRA DESERT BASE - NIGHT
INT. COBRA DESERT BASE - THRONE ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
You call this success? You let them have the fuel, and bring me a bean?
DESTRO
But....
COBRA COMMANDER
I fear for your sanity, Destro.
DESTRO
But it's more than just nitrogen rocket fuel! It's a super nitrogen fertilizer!
COBRA COMMANDER
Take him away.
DESTRO
With expendable fruits and vegetables replacing Cobra's ground troops, we could overrun the world!
COBRA COMMANDER
Bah!
EXT. COBRA DESERT BASE - NIGHT
INT. COBRA DESERT BASE - DUNGEON
COBRA COMMANDER
I hope you have regained your senses, Destro.
DESTRO
Fool!
COBRA COMMANDER
Help me! Somebody!
DESTRO
Do you understand now? How do you stop a grapefruit tree that grows fourteen stories high and rains fruit the size of wrecking balls on the street below? Even your minuscule imagination must be able to conjure the carnage that would be wrought if we covered the city with these mutated beans!
COBRA COMMANDER
Have a care, Destro!
DESTRO
All the seeds we need can be found at a greenhouse in South Dakota.
COBRA COMMANDER
You are right, my friend. We can take over the world.
DESTRO
But a show of force is necessary first. We will cultivate Chicago. That will prove we mean business.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL
Wild Bill here.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
BREAKER (V.O.)
This is an emergency situation. Head for Chicago.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER (CONT.)
The city is bein' overrun by plants. The mayor has received an ultimatum from Cobra Commander. He demands that the city be turned over to Cobra, or it will be turned into a giant weed patch. Airtight's workin' on a super weed spray. How's it comin', Airtight?
AIRTIGHT
Workin' as fast as we can. We'll get it to you as soon as possible.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL
Read you loud and clear, ol' buddy.
EXT. CHICAGO - EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES BUILDING
TOMAX AND XAMOT (singing)
A-planting we will go! A-planting we will go!
Hi-ho, a-merry-O! A-planting we will go!
EXT. CHICAGO - CITY STREETS
BARBECUE (O.C.)
Welcome to Chicago! Oranges at twelve o'clock!
SHIPWRECK
Well, I guess that's one way to get your minimum daily requirement of Vitamin C!
POLLY
How would you know, barnacle breath?
SHIPWRECK
Cut me some slack, Polly.
EXT. CHICAGO - EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES BUILDING
ALPINE
School's out, boys.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) G. I. (T) Joe!
ALPINE
Gotta do something now!
ALPINE
Xamot, doesn't your brother like you anymore? Thanks for flyin' G. I. Joe Airlines! Have a nice trip!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Come on, brother, let's (X) get out of here!
ALPINE
Imagine findin' them in your salad! Yuck!
DESTRO
Help yourself, Joe! The roughage will do you good!
DESTRO
Don't you good guys ever give up?
WILD BILL
No! That's why we're the good guys!
EXT. CHICAGO - CITY STREETS
BAZOOKA
Lasers have no effect!
SHIPWRECK
If we don't do somethin' quick we're gonna be buried in a tomb of squash!
POLLY
Squashed by a squash!
SHIPWRECK
Shut up.
AIRTIGHT
Hate usin' this before it's been properly tested, but it's now or never.
SHIPWRECK
Well, what do you know?
POLLY
Not much, barnacle brain!
SHIPWRECK
Keep it up, shark bait!
AIRTIGHT
If I can crystallize this gas and seed those clouds before it rains, I bet I could make Cobra's plans backfire!
BAZOOKA
Let's talk about it over lunch!
EXT. CHICAGO - OVERCAST
BARBECUE
If this defoliant of yours doesn't work, I'm buyin' a lot of stock in salad forks!
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! Caught in your own trap!
WILD BILL
And another Cobra game is rained out!
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY
HARVEY
Yessiree! It was right then and there that G. I. Joe came to me and asked for my advice.
FORMER SKEPTIC
Tell us more, Harvey!
KID
Yes, do! What happened next?
HARVEY
Well it weren't easy, let me tell you.
WILD BILL
That Harvey'd do Paul Bunyan proud.
AIRTIGHT
Hold on, guys. I got me an idea.
KID
Weren't you scared?
HARVEY
Scared? Me? Why, I don't even know the meaning of the word.