THE FUNHOUSE

EXT. LAB IN SWAMP - NIGHT
INT. LAB
DR. HIBBENTROPE [Chris Latta]
Closer...back a bit. Oh, blast it! Where did you go, you little microbe? Ah, there you are. Amazing! Simply amazing?
ZARTAN (O.C.)
Doctor Hibbentrope?
DR. HIBBENTROPE
Yes, yes? Can't you see I'm busy? The sign on the door says, "Do not enter."
ZARTAN
Now, doctor. I can see that you're busy, but I think it's time for you to take a little nap.
ZARTAN
Sleep tight, my good doctor. No one will bother you now.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
FLINT
A botanist, a biologist, two astronomers, a geologist. Why is Cobra kidnapping all of these scientists?
ALPINE
Maybe they're just collecting scientists like, um...
BAZOOKA
Baseball cards.
FLINT
Maybe. Anyone care to guess what Cobra's gonna do when they complete their set?
BREAKER
Somethin's comin' in.
FLINT
If it's Cobra, trace it, Breaker.
COBRA COMMANDER
Greetings, Joe Team. You no doubt know what I have chosen to speak with you about.
FLINT
Get on with it, Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
I will be terse, Flint. If I do not receive sixty billion dollars, you will never see the scientists again.
FLINT
Kidnapping? You've hit a new low, Commander.
LADY JAYE
Where do you expect us to get sixty billion dollars?
ALPINE
Relax, guys. We'll just put it on my credit card. I never leave home....
COBRA COMMANDER
Enough of this foolishness! Lest you think I am not serious, watch this!
DR. HIBBENTROPE
Please, G. I. Joe, do something! You must help me! You must!
COBRA COMMANDER
Joes, you have one day to come up with the money, or....
BREAKER
I traced the transmission. It's coming from South America.
LADY JAYE
It's too easy. I've got a bad feeling about this.
GUNG-HO
Yeah. It's too pat.
FLINT
I agree. We need volunteers for our strike team.
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN TEMPLE - DAY
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
G. I. Joe is doomed, thanks to you, "Doctor Hibbentrope."
ZARTAN
You know, there will be an extra charge for my acting services.
BARONESS
You venal mercenary, your acting couldn't get you onto a soap opera.
COBRA COMMANDER
Silence. His stunning performance is well worth the money. It will buy me the greatest luxury there is: revenge.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
ACE
Stay low to keep under Cobra radar. The base is comin' up fast. There it is! Let's tell our friends we're here!
WILD BILL
This is just like cleanin' a stable back home!
JOES
Yo Joe!
ALPINE
I've been itchin' for a good fight all day!
BAZOOKA
Itching? Oh, boy!
FLINT
Bazooka, we need some support here!
BAZOOKA
You got it!
FLINT
They're falling back!
JOES
Yo Joe!
FLINT
I don't like to fight unarmed soldiers, so here, take my gun!
GUNG-HO
Get off my back!
GUNG-HO
And stay off it!
DUSTY
I usually don't drop in unexpectedly, but this time I'll make an exception.
BAZOOKA
Darn it, swallowed my gum. Now I'm mad! One! Two! Three!
BAZOOKA
Oh, my trigger finger.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
ALPINE
What a bunch of wimps. We oughta get home in time for dinner.
FLINT
Don't count on it. This is just the hors d'oeuvre. The main course won't be served 'til we visit those snakes inside their temple.
LADY JAYE
And find those scientists.
FLINT
Zap, you got a key?
ZAP
Yeah, and it'll fit perfectly.
ZAP
Nothing better than a good kaboom to open up closed doors, eh, Flint?
FLINT
Yeah. I'm glad you left some building to enter. Zap, wait out here for Gung-Ho and the support team. The rest of you, come with me.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - MAIN CORRIDOR
LADY JAYE
Do you get the feeling that no one's home?
FLINT
You could be right. Wait a second.
ALPINE
I don't like this. This is a trap.
ALPINE
Hey! My gun!
FLINT
A magnetic field! It's a trap!
ALPINE
What'd I tell you?
COBRA COMMANDER
Welcome to my funhouse!
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, welcome to my funhouse!
DUSTY
Stuff it, snake face!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
Despite your rudeness, I offer you a sporting chance.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - MAIN CORRIDOR
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Three doors, three choices. Two of them lead to dead ends.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - MAIN CORRIDOR
FLINT
What about the third one?
COBRA COMMANDER
It leads you to me.
ALPINE
Then all the doors are losers.
COBRA COMMANDER
You are beginning to try my patience! Before I forget, I feel obliged to tell you that this entire island is a bomb, and the only way to disarm it is here in the control booth.
FLINT
Then why don't you save us some trouble and disarm it yourself?
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
And ruin my fun? Surely you jest.
BARONESS
Take no chances, Commander. Destroy them now!
ZARTAN
Let him take as long as he likes. I am paid by the hour.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - MAIN CORRIDOR
FLINT
Look, our best chance to get through this is to split up. Dusty, Airtight, you take the door on the left. Alpine, Bazooka, you get the one on the right. Lady Jaye and I'll go for the one in the middle.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LEFT CORRIDOR
DUSTY
It's empty. Maybe we picked the right corridor.
AIRTIGHT
If there is a right corridor.
DUSTY
What the hey? What is this, New Year's Eve?
AIRTIGHT
Yeah, it's party time!
DUSTY
Well, I always thought he was an airhead.
AIRTIGHT
Don't break that balloon!
DUSTY
Stay back!
AIRTIGHT AS COBRA COMMANDER
What's wrong? I'm just trying to save you.
DUSTY
Get away from me, you snake!
AIRTIGHT
Snake? What the heck's happenin' to you, buddy?
AIRTIGHT AS COBRA COMMANDER
The gas from the balloon has you hallucinating.
AIRTIGHT
Trust me. I didn't breathe it, so I'm not affected.
DUSTY
Lies! You've had it, snake!
AIRTIGHT
I hate to do this, but....
AIRTIGHT
Sleep tight, ol' pal. I'll be back for you after I kick some snake butt.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
ALPINE
How come Flint always picks Lady Jaye to go with him and I always get you?
ALPINE
Whoa! What the heck is that?
BAZOOKA
Funny.
ALPINE
Funny isn't the word for it.
ROBOT (in Cobra Commander's voice)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Cobra Express. Step aboard, my good friends. Step aboard. You're in for the ride of your life.
ALPINE
After you.
BAZOOKA
Thanks.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ENTRANCE
GUNG-HO
Come on, Zap. Hurry it up, will you? We haven't got all day.
ZAP
I'm goin' as fast as I can! These aren't firecrackers.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
The good part is just beginning.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
BAZOOKA
Over already?
ALPINE
Yeaah! We're in a shootin' gallery! We're sitting ducks! That's the last time I ever listen to you!
BAZOOKA
Oh, no!
ALPINE
You stupid bozo, what'd you let yourself get hit for? All right, Commander! This isn't a game anymore! I'm playin' for keeps!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LEFT CORRIDOR
AIRTIGHT
Whoa! What have we here?
AIRTIGHT
I always thought he was a clown.
AIRTIGHT
This guy's definitely not playin' with a full deck of cards!
AIRTIGHT
Okay, so you got a new weapon!
AIRTIGHT
Oh no, not again!
AIRTIGHT
Whoa! This is serious!
AIRTIGHT
Time to make life a fast ball!
AIRTIGHT
Safe at second!
AIRTIGHT
Uh-oh. This isn't my day.
AIRTIGHT
This guy wants to throw me out at the plate!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
You see, Baroness? They aren't so tough after all.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
ALPINE
Man, this floor's like glass, and this duct could use some light!
ALPINE
What is this, the pro bowler's tour?
ALPINE
Talk about inflated egos!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Eleven! I got eleven! That's even better than a strike!
ZARTAN
Now there are only two Joes left.
BARONESS
What about the Joes outside the door?
ZARTAN
They don't matter. They'll never get through in time to save their comrades.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ENTRANCE
ZAP
It's ready to blow. Everybody hit the deck!
GUNG-HO
It's still there!
ZAP
I'll use a little more grease.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CENTRAL CORRIDOR
LADY JAYE
Not that I'm complaining, but so far this has been a breeze.
FLINT
That's what worries me. What's that?
LADY JAYE
Sounds like...marching tin cans.
FLINT
And they're ugly, too.
LADY JAYE
Let's stomp on 'em.
LADY JAYE
I can't get a clear shot at yours!
FLINT
That's good shooting!
FLINT
Lady Jaye!
FLINT
Lady Jaye, are you all right?
FLINT
I can't get a pulse.
FLINT
Lady Jaye!
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
So, Flint. You're the only one left.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
BARONESS
Let's get it over with?
ZARANA
What's the hurry? The Commander is having fun.
BARONESS
I forgot. You're paid by the hour.
COBRA COMMANDER
Silence! I want to watch him squirm!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CENTRAL CORRIDOR
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Get up, you blundering bunch of idiots, or I'll send you all to the scrap-iron heap!
FLINT
Looks like it's time for a game of hide-and-seek.
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Go! After him! Don't let him get away!
FLINT
Three down, three left, Commander.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Destroy him!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CENTRAL CORRIDOR
FLINT
Your robots are lousy shots, Commander! Did you program 'em yourself?
FLINT
Come on, Commander! You try and get me!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
Never mind. I'll come and get you!
COBRA COMMANDER
As you wish.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
BARONESS
Now what do you have to say, Zartan?
ZARTAN
Watch your tongue while you still have it! However, she might have a point, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
It's time to depart when I say it's time!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ENTRANCE
ZAP
If this doesn't work, I'm going back to selling insurance. Let's go!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
The game is over, Cobra Commander. Make it easy on yourself and surrender!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Surrender? Never! Your friends will not find you in time!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
These guys are getting old, Commander.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Now that they have his attention, it's time to say good-bye to our resourceful friend!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
Nice shooting, Commander!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
I am sick of you, Flint. In moments you will be converted to subatomic particles. The bomb is now activated!
ZARTAN
You see, Baroness? Victory has been at our fingertips all along.
BARONESS
Perhaps, but we have wasted time!
COBRA COMMANDER
Silence!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
Time is running out, Commander!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ESCAPE TUNNEL
COBRA COMMANDER
I think we must be going. In only a matter of moments, I will be rid of G. I. Joe forever!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Flint? Flint!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CENTRAL CORRIDOR
FLINT (COMM.)
I'm in the control room. The whole place is about to blow and I can't disarm the bomb.
LADY JAYE
Isn't there a scrub switch?
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
FLINT
There's a switch, but it isn't marked.
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Flip it!
FLINT
It's a reset switch!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CORRIDORS
FLINT (COMM.)
Attention, all Joes! We've got three minutes to get outta here!
ZAP
You heard the man, move!
COMPUTER
Self Destruct!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LEFT CORRIDOR
FLINT
I hope you're light, pal.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
ALPINE
Come on, pal. It's fourth quarter, two seconds, and we've got ninety-nine yards to go!
LADY JAYE
I don't know where we're going....
AIRTIGHT
But anywhere's an improvement.
LADY JAYE
Next stop, outdoors!
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
LADY JAYE
Head for the SkyStrikers!
EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN COAST - DAY
GUNG-HO
Flint's never gonna make it.
LADY JAYE
Flint, no!
FLINT
Joe team, this is Flint! Our work isn't done yet!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
COBRA COMMANDER
You see? You see?
ZARTAN
I never doubted your plan for a moment, unlike the Baroness.
BARONESS
Quiet, mercenary!
COBRA COMMANDER
I now possess the world's greatest scientific minds. There is no limit to the power I will possess. Nothing can stop Cobra now!
EXT. COBRA BASE - DAY
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
COBRA COMMANDER
This can't be!
EXT. COBRA BASE - DAY
JOES
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Flint to group, follow me in! And good hunting!
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
COBRA COMMANDER
This is impossible!
BARONESS
It won't be long before the Joes crack our defenses. May I suggest a swift departure while our necks are still intact?
COBRA COMMANDER
That, Baroness, is a sensible suggestion. Zartan, prepare the Rattlers for immediate departure. Zartan?
ZARTAN
Ready your own!
EXT. COBRA BASE - DAY
FLINT
We're gettin' to 'em, boys! Let's hit 'em with the old one-two!
WILD BILL
Time to clean up, folks!
INT. COBRA BASE
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
ALPINE
Unless you wanna be turned into snake sandwiches, you better drop those weapons.
INT. COBRA BASE - RATTLER HANGAR
COBRA COMMANDER
I will have revenge!
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
DR. HIBBENTROPE
Thank you. Thank you all! But how did you manage to find us?
FLINT
Cobra Commander intended to use you as bait in a trap he was setting for us. We were suspicious, so we put Wild Bill on the lookout for any planes that left the island. Sure enough, Cobra Commander flew the coop, and we followed him right to the fortress.
ALPINE
Flint sure likes to talk a lot, doesn't he?
FLINT
What? What was that you said?
ALPINE
Uh, we were just discussing whether....
LADY JAYE
So, does someone here want to take me for a stroll on a moonlit beach?
BAZOOKA
Sure!
BAZOOKA
Hey!
ALPINE
Please excuse my friend here. I'll take you.
FLINT
You do and you'll be scrubbin' bathrooms for a week.
ALPINE
On second thought, why don't you take her, Bazooka?
BAZOOKA
No way.
LADY JAYE
You sure know how to keep a girl single.
FLINT
That's right. She sees right through me.