BATTLE FOR THE TRAIN OF GOLD

EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY
WILD BILL
All clear in the friendly skies of Washington, D.C., pardners. No sign of Cobra anywhere.
INT. BUREAU OF ENGRAVING - MINT
WILD BILL (COMM.)
Hey, Duke, you sure that Cobra radio message we picked up was for real?
DUKE
If a snake was pullin' my leg, I'd know it, Wild Bill. They run twenty million bucks a day through those presses. I think that might interest Cobra. Don't you, Scarlett?
SCARLETT
Maybe, maybe not. You've seen one sheet of thousand dollar bills, you've pretty much seen 'em all.
DUKE
Yeah, well, try and fight the boredom, okay? Snake-Eyes, you see anything?
DUKE
All clear inside. How 'bout you Joes outside? Anything to report?
EXT. WASHINGTON - BUREAU OF ENGRAVING
COVER GIRL
Cover Girl here, Duke. Not a reptile in sight.
THUNDER
This is Thunder. Ditto.
DUKE (COMM.)
How does it look at your end, Gung-Ho?
GUNG-HO
All clear, Duke. Nothin' happenin' here, either.
MUTT
Same here. Nobody, nothin', nohow. I'm losin' my patience with those snakes.
INT. BUREAU OF ENGRAVING - MINT
DUKE
You gotta have some before you can lose it, Mutt. Just sit tight. They'll show.
TOUR GUIDE
And this is the main printing plant where bills of all denominations are....
NUN
Cobra!
TOUR GUIDE
Oh, my goodness!
COBRA OFFICER [Buster Jones]
No one move! This facility has been seized by Cobra!
DUKE
Oh, yeah?
EXT. WASHINGTON - BUREAU OF ENGRAVING
MAJ. BLUDD
Major Bludd to FANG Squadron: onto the roof we go, mates!
MAJ. BLUDD
Bludd to Cobra Headquarters!
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
I trust you have good news, Major.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - COMMAND CENTER
MAJ. BLUDD
Well, we got complete control of the ol' Bureau of Engravin'. Is that good news?
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent!
DESTRO
With no interference from G. I. Joe?
MAJ. BLUDD
Well, not so's you'd notice.
INT. BUREAU OF ENGRAVING - MINT
COBRA
Everybody keep still! I don't wanna see anybody so much as breathe!
DUKE
Now!
SCARLETT
This is getting expensive!
DUKE
Major Bludd! What's he up to?
DUKE
Lay me some cover, Scarlett! I'm going after Major Bludd!
SCARLETT
You got it!
INT. BUREAU OF ENGRAVING - OFFICE
DUKE
You could get hurt playing with firecrackers, Major!
MAJ. BLUDD
You're just a little bit late, G. I. Joe!
DUKE
Better late than never.
MAJ. BLUDD
Took a little tumble, eh?
INT. BUREAU OF ENGRAVING - MINT
EXT. WASHINGTON - BUREAU OF ENGRAVING
MAJ. BLUDD
Mission accomplished! Be seeing you back at the old Cobra Temple, mate!
INT. BUREAU OF ENGRAVING - MINT
SCARLETT
Snake-Eyes, we've got to take out that catwalk!
SCARLETT
There she goes!
GUNG-HO
It's quiet as Grant's Tomb outside.
SCARLETT
In here, too. Finally.
GUNG-HO
We figured as much, with Duke around.
SCARLETT
Duke!
INT. BUREAU OF ENGRAVING - OFFICE
SCARLETT
Duke, what happened?
DUKE
Anybody get the license number of that cruise missile?
SCARLETT
You're all right?
DUKE
Yeah, if you can call a broken head all right.
OFFICIAL
Oh dear Lord, no!
DUKE
That's okay, pal. I'll be....
OFFICIAL
They took the A-dash-four cassette!
DUKE
No kiddin'! A-dash-four, huh?
SCARLETT
What's so special about that cassette?
INT. COBRA TEMPLE
COBRA COMMANDER
The Joes are such fools! They thought we were after a few million grubby American dollars, when what we want is so much grander!
DESTRO
Play the tape, Major, before it decays with age.
MAJ. BLUDD
Here you go, mates. Cassette A-dash-four. Everything you'd want to know about the gold depository at Fort Knox.
COBRA COMMANDER
Including how to get in!
EXT. KENTUCKY ROAD - DAY
SCARLETT
There's sixty billion dollars in gold stored inside Fort Knox. With that kind of capital, Cobra Commander wouldn't have to conquer the world. He could buy it.
WILD BILL
Hey, look alive, pardners. Fort Knox comin' up yonder!
EXT. FORT KNOX - DAY
INT. FORT KNOX - GENERAL'S OFFICE
GEN. STACK [Stan Jones?]
You can tell your convoy to make a U-turn! I have an entire mechanized division out there, and I don't need G. I. Joe's help to defend my post! Do I make myself clear?
GEN. STACK
Sergeant Hauser.
DUKE
Orders from Washington, General Stack. Whether you need us or not, you've got us.
EXT. FORT KNOX - DAY
GEN. STACK
This is ridiculous!
GEN. STACK
Follow me! I'll show you how much I need reinforcements!
INT. FORT KNOX - VAULT
GEN. STACK
Now do you see what I mean? And the walls of this building are titanium alloy, twenty feet thick. As you can clearly see, your services are not needed.
DUKE
If you don't mind, General, we'll hang around for a while. Better safe than sorry.
GEN. STACK
In all my thirty years of service, I've never seen such gross insubordination! I'll have you busted...
INT. TUNNEL BENEATH FORT KNOX
ZARTAN
Not a sound, General, unless you want it to be your last.
RIPPER
That video wasn't lyin', Zartan. This ol' tunnel really is the road to riches!
ZARTAN
Remove the General's uniform.
EXT. FORT KNOX - DAY
DUKE
Cobra's overdue. To pull this off, they'll have to strike soon.
SCARLETT
I hope you're not complaining.
DUKE
No, just a....
SCARLETT
Duke, look!
DUKE
What's the buzz, Private? Why are you leaving your posts?
PRIVATE
General Stack's orders, sir.
DUKE
That doesn't make any sense!
INT. FORT KNOX - VAULT
DUKE
General Stack, what's goin' on? Why'd you order the troops out of the vault?
"GEN. STACK"
Why, I'm...setting a trap, of course...for you!
SCARLETT
Zartan!
ZARTAN
Cobra!
EXT. FORT KNOX - DAY
GUNG-HO
What the blazes is goin' on in there?
INT. FORT KNOX - VAULT
INT. FORT KNOX - CORRIDOR
EXT. FORT KNOX - DAY
ACE
Scramble the SkyStrikers, fast!
WILD WEASEL
Don't let those planes get off the ground. Dive!
ACE
We gotta get our planes in the air!
ACE
That's it. They cleaned us out.
INT. FORT KNOX - VAULT
DUKE
The door! Head for it!
DUKE
It's closing! Move!
ZARTAN
It's a bit too solid to punch through, you know. Time to surrender, wouldn't you say?
EXT. FORT KNOX - DAY
GUNG-HO
We gotta get inside the depository! Let's go!
MUTT
Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. TUNNEL BENEATH FORT KNOX
DUKE
I'm curious, Zartan. Now that you've got the gold, what are you gonna do with it?
SCARLETT
Yeah, you can't exactly cart it off in a Rent-a-Truck, can you?
ZARTAN
You needn't be concerned. We have a very efficient means of transport.
EXT. DESERT - MINESHAFT
ZARTAN
The Cobra Bullet, fully armed, full armored, top speed, two hundred miles per hour. It will carry the gold to the coast, where a fleet of Cobra submarines waits. And by this time tomorrow, your country will be...dead broke.
EXT. FORT KNOX - DAY
INT. FORT KNOX - OUTSIDE VAULT
GUNG-HO
How are we supposed to get past that?
COVER GIRL
Uh, anybody got a can opener?
THUNDER
No, but I've got an idea.
EXT. DESERT - MINESHAFT
COBRA OFFICER [Michael Bell]
Zartan, the Joes have retaken the depository. If they break into the vault and find the tunnel....
ZARTAN
They'll still be too late. The train and the gold will be gone.
INT. FORT KNOX - OUTSIDE VAULT
GUNG-HO
What's keepin' Thunder. I thought he had some big plan to get into the vault!
THUNDER
Sorry. Had trouble gettin' her started, but she's runnin' fine now.
THUNDER
I, uh, think you all might want to move out of the way.
SHORT-FUZE
I don't believe it!
GUNG-HO
Empty as a poor man's wallet.
MUTT
They stole the gold right out from under our noses!
ZAP
Not to mention Duke, Scarlett, and Snake-Eyes.
MUTT
Put a lid on it, dog! Hey, let go! What's gotten into you?
COVER GIRL
Mutt!
ZAP
You okay, Mutt?
INT. TUNNEL BENEATH FORT KNOX
MUTT
No, I banged my fool head. But I think it might've been worth it.
GUNG-HO
Let's see where this thing leads.
INT. COBRA BULLET
ZARTAN
Another few minutes and we're off.
RIPPER
Say Zartan, why drag these dingos around? They ain't good for much.
BUZZER
No. Can't eat 'em, can't drink 'em, can't spend 'em.
TORCH
Hey, let's waste 'em.
ZARTAN
Not just yet. They're going to be our insurance policy.
DUKE
Blast it! What's keepin' our guys?
EXT. COBRA BULLET
WILD BILL
I got a sighting, Gung-Ho. The varmints have a train at the end of that tunnel. Three guesses what's on it.
INT. TUNNEL BENEATH FORT KNOX
GUNG-HO
I only need one. Let's go, guys!
EXT. COBRA BULLET
GUNG-HO
They're gettin' away with the gold!
GUNG-HO
There goes Cobra with the gold.
GUNG-HO
Head back down the tunnel! Wild Bill, keep track of that train while we get some wheels!
WILD BILL
You got it!
EXT. FORT KNOX - DAY
SHORT-FUZE
Wheels? What wheels?
ZAP
Wheels are in short supply, Gung-Ho.
GUNG-HO
Well, grab what you can. Move it!
EXT. KENTUCKY ROAD
GUNG-HO
I've seen turtles go quicker than this. We'll never catch that train!
THUNDER
Wait, I got it! There's an old friend of mine lives down this road! He's got some real transportation!
EXT. MURPHY'S FARM
THUNDER
Gee, thanks, Mr. Murphy!
MURPHY [Bill Morey?]
Sure, Thunder. Glad to help. Take all the mounts you need.
SHORT-FUZE
Horses? We're gonna catch a bullet train with horses?
MURPHY
Not just any horses, son.
THUNDER
You're lookin' at thoroughbreds, the fastest in the world!
GUNG-HO
They look a little, uh, spirited.
COVER GIRL
You'd rather have a nag?
GUNG-HO
Well, to tell you the truth...
MUTT
Don't complain to me. This wasn't my idea.
THUNDER
Okay, Joes, mount up!
GUNG-HO
Easy now, boy.
GUNG-HO
If at first you don't succeed....
MURPHY
Oh, no.
ZAP
Be reasonable, horse!
COVER GIRL
I'm really not dressed for riding.
SHORT-FUZE
And I didn't join the horse cavalry!
GUNG-HO
Hey, nothin' to it!
GUNG-HO
We shoulda took a bus.
EXT. COBRA BULLET
WILD BILL
Hey, Gung-Ho, you better speed it up! Cobra's movin' fast.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD
GUNG-HO
Believe it or not, we're finally on our way, Wild Bill!
THUNDER
Didn't I tell ya they were fast?
GUNG-HO
Yeah, but that train has a big head start.
THUNDER
Just follow me! We'll head 'em off at the pass!
GUNG-HO
Now there's an original thought.
INT. COBRA BULLET - ENGINE
ZARTAN
They'll never catch us now. Our insurance policy paid off. All right, eliminate the prisoners.
INT. COBRA BULLET
COBRA
Yes, sir. Bring the first prisoner.
SCARLETT
Oh, no!
SCARLETT
Snake-Eyes!
DUKE
Up top, guys. Let's get to the engine and stop this train!
SCARLETT
Why not? I've got nothing better to do.
EXT. COBRA BULLET
THUNDER
We made it. And here she comes!
BUZZER
Hey, what's going on up front?
ZARTAN
Oh, no!
GUNG-HO
Let's ride! She's slowin' down, boys!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA BULLET
BUZZER
Let's get this crate movin', Zartan!
BUZZER
If the Joes want the gold back this badly, then I'll give 'em what they want...right on top o' their bloody heads!
BUZZER
Blast it all! It didn't work!
INT. COBRA BULLET - ENGINE
DUKE
It's your turn, Zartan!
INT. COBRA BULLET
GUNG-HO
That's not nice!
SCARLETT
With these guys, you've got to have eyes in the back of your head!
BUZZER
Whoa! It cut through the pressure regulator!
INT. COBRA BULLET - ENGINE
RIPPER
Zartan, she's gonna blow!
EXT. COBRA BULLET
WILD BILL
Hooey! I hope our guys are all right.
ZARTAN
This will not be forgotten, or forgiven, G. I. Joe.
SCARLETT
What would you think if I changed my hair color?
DUKE
What?
SCARLETT
I was thinking maybe black and blue, to match my face.
GUNG-HO
Was this trip really necessary?
WILD BILL
You folks okay? I've got a medical kit back in the Dragonfly.
WILD BILL
Why you ornery, thievin' polecats! Aw, dad-blame it! Can't turn your back on 'em for a second.
SCARLETT
Well, at least we saved the gold.
DUKE
Which reminds me. General Stack owes us an apology.
EXT. FORT KNOX - SUNSET
GEN. STACK
I'll put it in wriitng, Sergeant Hauser.
DUKE
You should thank Spencer Murphy, too, General. Without his horses,...
GEN. STACK
You'll get a medal for this, Mr. Murphy.
MURPHY
I'd rather have my horses back, General.
GUNG-HO
Aw, we gotta give 'em back? But I was just gettin' the hang of it!
GUNG-HO
Go ahead, laugh! There's more than one way to ride off into the sunset!
DUKE
Happy trails, Gung-Ho!