The Pyramid of Darkness

INT. UNDERGROUND SPACE LAB
EXT. LAUNCH SITE
FLINT
Talk to me, Lady Jaye. What do you see from your P.O.V.?
LADY JAYE
Nothing serpentine, Flint. So far, the launch looks W.O.C.
FLINT
W.O.C.?
LADY JAYE
Without Cobra.
SHIPWRECK
I think I'm pickin' up enemy readings. Uh-oh. Battle alert! We got snakes in the dirt!
LADY JAYE
Cobra's circled the launch site!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) We've caged quite a bird, Xamot. (T) Yes, Tomax. Now let's take birdie home to (T and X) Cobra.
COBRA COMMANDER
Magnificent! Superb! G. I. Joe is completely disoriented! Their space shuttle will be mine, mine! Mine!
FLINT
Wrong again, chrome cheeks. We've been expecting you! Alpine, Bazooka, it's time for a little reptile rumble!
BAZOOKA
Surprise!
ALPINE
Hey, I didn't lay a glove on you.
XAMOT
I feel what my brother feels.
ALPINE
Terrific. Pass this on!
LADY JAYE
Pitch in, guys. This is one woman who hates to break a launch date.
ALPINE
Get with me, Lady Jaye. Let's cut cables!
COBRA COMMANDER
They must not free the shuttle!
DESTRO (COMM.)
Cobra!
COBRA COMMANDER
Attack, Destro!
DESTRO (O.C.)
Destroy the G. I. Joe marauders before they breach the canopy!
FLINT
Gung-Ho, make buffer face entirely unwelcome!
GUNG-HO
Yo Joe! Let's go!
DESTRO
We're under attack. Take evasive action at once!
ALPINE
Keep that laser cookin', Bazook! We're almost there!
BAZOOKA
Now! Wow!
COBRA COMMANDER
No! G. I. Joe was ready for us! How dare they anticipate my strategy! Retreat! Retreat! Retreat!
COBRA COMMANDER
Wait for me! I'm your leader!
FLINT
Keep kickin' snake! We've got 'em on the run!
LADY JAYE
Watch me change them from Cobras to water rats.
COBRA COMMANDER
No.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Glad you could join us.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, no!
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop surrendering and listen to me! Stand back! My troopers may be cowardly, but I'll never yield!
SHIPWRECK
Sufferin' sushi, what were those?
FLINT
I don't know, but we didn't come this far to lose the Cobra biggies to underwater weirdos. Shipwreck, you and Snake-Eyes lead a detachment into the river, and find Cobra Commander and the Crimson Twins.
EXT. RIVER - UNDERWATER
SHIPWRECK
First they want me to fly, now they want me to dive. The minute they ask me to dance, I'm getting outta this outfit.
POLLY
Faster, sailor! Put the pedal to the metal!
EXT. ENTERPRISE CITY
LADY JAYE
Flint, it looks like Destro is playing skyscraper hide-and-seek.
FLINT
We can't let 'im shake us. That nickel noggin bozo is all the Cobra brass we've got.
DESTRO
This is one bozo who won't be got at all.
EXT. RIVER - UNDERWATER
INT. UNDERWATER BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
Water robots, return to the river and attend to G. I. Joe.
COBRA COMMANDER
Our plan is working perfectly, and the poor simpletons don't even know it!
EXT. UNDERWATER BASE
SHIPWRECK
Ahoy mates, get a grip on your tattoos! Yo Joe!
SHIPWRECK
Look out! Man underboard!
SHIPWRECK
Whoa!
ROADBLOCK
That humongous H2O-bot got Shipwreck! Dive, Snake-Eyes! Dive if you want to stay alive!
ROADBLOCK
That big ol' mechanical monster's got him, too! Pull out, Snake-Eyes!
SHIPWRECK (O.C.)
That you, Snake-Eyes? Good. Follow me.
SHIPWRECK
Let's see if this gets us anywhere.
ROADBLOCK
Put it in reverse or it's gonna get worse. Can't hold back! Suction's too strong! Whoa!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWERS - OFFICE
COBRA COMMANDER
Superb! Your water robots have cleared the area of interlopers, Tomax.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Now all we need do (X) is wait for (T AND X) Destro to join us.
COBRA COMMANDER
Did you hear that, Destro? We're expecting you.
EXT. ENTERPRISE CITY
DESTRO
I've only been waiting for your invitation, my dear Cobra Commander. I shall now terminate this little game of fox and hounds by completely outfoxing my pursuers.
FLINT
I'll go after him from the east!
LADY JAYE
I'll go in from the west and we'll squeeze him in the middle.
FLINT
Comin' at ya, Lady Jaye.
LADY JAYE
Ditto on the flipside, Flint.
LADY JAYE
Where did he go?
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWERS - HANGAR
COBRA COMMANDER
Well done, noble Destro. I applaud your performance.
FLINT
Enterprise City's swallowed him up!
LADY JAYE
Yeah, then the city's due for some indigestion.
FLINT
Let's get back to Headquarters.
COBRA COMMANDER
My scheme was even more brilliant than usual! My attack on the space shuttle was merely a diversion to mask our true purpose: the secret planting of a special cargo. Play the tape. There, this part.
COBRA COMMANDER (CONT.)
You see, G. I. Joe forces were so involved with the firefight that no one saw the insertion of the special cargo pod. Magnificent!
DESTRO
And how will the unique and charming cargo inside the pod be activated, Cobra Commander?
COBRA COMMANDER
Why, by Zartan, of course.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Zartan? But (X) how will he get aboard (T and X) the space shuttle?
COBRA COMMANDER
He is already aboard.
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
INT. SPACE SHUTTLE - COCKPIT
MUTT
Booster separation complete. Next stop: G. I. Joe Space Station Delta.
DUSTY
Sounds like we hit somethin', but there's nothin' to hit up here is there?
MUTT
Retrorockets kicked in to maintain our course. We must be carryin' extra weight.
BREAKER
I'll check out the cargo bay.
INT. SPACE SHUTTLE - CARGO BAY
EXT. SPACE STATION DELTA
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
DUKE
Level off, Mutt. You're outta trim. That's better.
INT. SPACE SHUTTLE - COCKPIT
MUTT
Unauthorized cargo's making this pelican hard to park. Sorry.
SCARLETT
Unauthorized cargo? Scarlett here, Mutt. I want you to locate and identify that cargo.
MUTT
Affirmative, Big Red. I think Junkyard just zeroed in on it.
MUTT
When docking's complete, blow off the hatch.
DUSTY
Too much. My first assignment on Delta, and I've got command responsibility.
INT. SPACE SHUTTLE - CARGO BAY
MUTT
Good work. Looks like somebody managed to clip a cargo pod onto the overhead rack.
BREAKER
Reads harmless.
MUTT
Let's get it outta here and make sure.
"SGT. HOPPER"
Dreadnoks, prepare for action.
TORCH
Ready and waitin', Sergeant Hopper, sir.
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - HANGAR
MUTT
Whatever's in there, come on out.
SCARLETT
Oh, how adorable. They're so cute.
BREAKER
What's with Junkyard, Mutt?
SCARLETT
These little honeys are harmless.
MUTT
Junkyard doesn't make mistakes, Breaker. Hmmm. There's a card in here.
MUTT (reading)
"These adorable creatures are called 'fatal fluffies.' I'm sure you will enjoy their deadly secrets. Sincerely yours,...the Cobra Commander."
JOES
Cobra Commander? What the heck is he..., Fatal fluffies?, What the heck is goin' on here, etc.
Note: The line seems written for multiple speakers. However, only Clutch's mouth moves, and we hear only Neil Ross's (Dusty's) voice.
SCARLETT
What does he mean, deadly secret?
ZARTAN
What he means is...this!
ZARTAN
Surrender, Joes!
DUKE
What this doesn't look like is good!
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE - AIRLOCK
SHIPWRECK
We're in some kind of airlock between the river and the inside of this structure.
SHIPWRECK
We'll have to swim for it, Snake-Eyes. Bath time, Polly.
POLLY
I'm a parrot, not a duck!
SHIPWRECK
Keep squawkin', and you'll be a gone goose.
INT. SUBWAY TUNNEL
SHIPWRECK
What is this place?
SHIPWRECK
A subway tunnel below Enterprise City's regular subway system. Let's reconnoiter Snake-Eyes, and try not to attract attention. Sure, who'd notice a wet sailor with a parrot and a silent masked man with a timber wolf? I thnk we're in major trouble.
SHIPWRECK
Funny-lookin' commuters on this line. I think we oughta see what they're up to. And here come our rail passes now.
INT. SUBWAY CAR
SHIPWRECK
Uh, nice day, huh? Or nice night. Who cares down here, right? Am I right?
SHIPWRECK
You see, nobody wants to know a subway philosopher. Try to relax and act natural. No, on second thought, hang on and try to enjoy the ride.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
FLINT
This hasn't been our finest hour. Cobra Commander, the Crimson Twins, and Destro slipped through our fingers. Shipwreck and Snake-Eyes are missing. And now we can't make contact with the shuttle or space station.
LADY JAYE
Joe code Delta!
ZARTAN
Thank you for responding to my transmission. It has enabled me to lock firing coordinates on your Headquarters. Farewell, meddlers.
EXT. HIDDEN COBRA BASE
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
G. I. Joe Headquarters is in ruins! And we shall not give them time to recover. What those pathetic fools don't know is that the acquisition of Space Station Delta is but the first step in my creation of the most powerful weapon in history: the Pyramid of Darkness.
COBRA COMMANDER
When these control cubes are placed on each of the four corners of the Earth, they will meet with the space station to form this pyramid, beneath which no electrical energy force will function.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Without energy to power its (X) vehicles and factories, or run its (T) military and defense systems, (T and X) the world will crumble beneath our heel.
COBRA COMMANDER
The first control cube is almost completed, and when it and its duplicates are in position, Cobra shall rule forever!
EXT. RUINS OF JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
What do we do now, Flint?
FLINT
I'll form a new unit and set up headquarters in a new location. The rest of you, start rebuilding here. Cobra has bitten us once too often, and we're gonna start biting back.
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. SUBWAY CAR
SHIPWRECK
I don't know what those cubes are for, but I'm sure they're not dice for a giant crap game.
INT. CUBE FACTORY - ENTRANCE
SNAKELING
Hail, Cobra Commander. The great snake rules forever.
SECURITY ROBOT [Michael Bell]
You may enter.
SHIPWRECK
That's their password!
SHIPWRECK
Hail Cobra Commander. The great snake rules forever.
SECURITY ROBOT
Repeat. Repeat.
SHIPWRECK
Hail Cobra Commander, the great snake rules forever.
SECURITY ROBOT
Intruders! Intruders! Intruders must be exterminated! Exterminated! Exterminated!
INT. CUBE FACTORY - ENTRANCE
SECURITY ROBOT [Michael Bell]
Intruders must be exterminated! Exterminated! Exterminated!
SHIPWRECK
Cobra Commander, the great snake, rules forever. Wrong. Hail Cobra Commander! The great snake rules forever!
SHIPWRECK
Hail Cobra Commander! The great snake rules forever!
POLLY
Hail, Cobra Commander. The great snake rules forever. Cobra Commander! The great snake rules forever.
SECURITY ROBOT
Enter and get to work.
SHIPWRECK
All right!
SECURITY ROBOT
Have a nice day.
INT. CUBE FACTORY
INTERCOM
Attention loyal Cobra Thirteen workers. Control cube one is complete and is now being readied for delivery. Finish remaining cubes with renewed vigor.
SNAKELINGS
Cobra!
SHIPWRECK
Better keep Headquarters in touch.
SNAKELING [Chris Latta]
Hey! What do you think you're doing?
SHIPWRECK
Uh, uh, uh, what are we doin'? Uh, uh, well, that's a heck of a question. Uh, you know what we're doin'?
SNAKELING
You're supposed to be earning your pay, Snakeling! Now, get to work!
SHIPWRECK
Oh, yes, sir. Right, sir. Work!
SNAKELING
Stop! Since when are birds and dogs part of Cobra regulations?
SHIPWRECK
Uh, look, you want the parrot and pooch for target practice, they're all yours. Just don't tell Destro who told you to take 'em.
SNAKELING
Uh, Destro owns those animals?
SHIPWRECK
Well, Hitler owned a canary. Atilla the Hun liked goldfish. What can I tell ya? You want Destro's zoo, buddy, you got it.
SNAKELING
Hold it. Get back to work, but take care of these pets.
POLLY
Lovely Polly. Sweet birdie.
SNAKELING
And if he isn't nice to them, you let me know. Now start hauling titanium. Cobra Commander needs the rest of them cubes.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
FLINT (O.C.)
Thanks for letting us establish temporary headquarters on your carrier, Admiral Ledger.
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
ADM. LEDGER
Temporary is the word to remember, Flint. I run a tight ship, and that doesn't leave much room for visitors, even when they're friendly--but especially when they're female.
LADY JAYE
Women aren't bad luck at sea, Admiral. That's just an old Navy superstition.
ADM. LEDGER
Old Navy is just what I am, ma'am. I've been at sea so long, whales ask me for directions.
ADM. LEDGER
There's something comin' in on Joe frequency.
FLINT
That beeper belongs to Shipwreck.
LADY JAYE
All right! He escaped the water robots.
ADM. LEDGER
I'll punch up a close shot.
FLINT
Destro. Shipwreck must've tagged his operation.
ADM. LEDGER
Projecting Destro's flight coordinates shows him touching down at a cute, volcanic vacation spot known as the Devil's Playground. But it's no place for a lady, Flint.
FLINT
I will need someone to maintain surveillance aboard the carrier.
LADY JAYE
And I'm sure you'll pick the right man for the job.
JOES
Yo Joe!
FLINT
She's not just a lady, Admiral Ledger. She's my teammate. Yo Joe!
EXT. USS FLAGG - FLIGHT DECK
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - OPEN AREA
MUTT
It don't figure, Dusty. Why ain't Zartan blastin' more Joe positions on Earth instead o' workin' us like slaves in zero gravity?
BUZZER
Keep workin'! No shirkin'!
DUSTY
Maybe Cobra's got bigger fish to French fry, and maybe this gear's part of their plan.
FATAL FLUFFY
Work! No talking!
DUSTY
Right, handsome! We love to work. As a matter of fact, I even wrote a song about it.
DUSTY (singing)
When you slave for a Cobra, sure is neat
To do your work to a boogie-woogie beat.
Just let your feet tap and move while the prisoners groove
With a "bodio-dodio-reet."
FATAL FLUFFY
Work!
MUTT
All right, already.
DUSTY
We've got to get into the control room and find out what's goin' on here, and then get word back to Earth.
MUTT
Lotsa luck. First you gotta get past those scuzzy fuzzies. Then there's those knuckle-headed Dreadnoks. Even ol' Junkyard would have trouble slippin' through all this security.
DUSTY
I didn't say it'd be easy, Mutt. Wait a minute, I got an idea.
MUTT
What is it?
DUSTY
Shh. Look: the gravity lever.
MUTT
Yeah, so?
DUSTY
So, what if gravity suddenly "falls in" on us, and I mean falls?
MUTT
Yeah, of course. Let me warn the others.
DUSTY
Give me two minutes, then throw the lever back to zero G.
MUTT
Okay. Get crazy.
DUSTY
No more! No more!
FATAL FLUFFY
Get back to work!
DUSTY
I can't take it no more! I need gravity!
TORCH
Gravity!
TORCH
Stop the prisoner! He's escapin'!
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - ACCESS TUNNELS
RIPPER
There he is! He's headin' for the control room!
TORCH
Quick! Get him!
DUSTY
I hope Mutt's timin' is perfect.
BUZZER
He's gone crackers!
DUSTY
Yo Joe!
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - OPEN AREA
MUTT
Hey, lighten up, you guys.
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - ACCESS TUNNELS
DUSTY
Good ol' Mutt.
TORCH
He's reached the control room level! C'mon! We'll go down the utility ramp!
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - OPEN AREA
FATAL FLUFFY
Get back to work!
MUTT
Yes, sir.
FATAL FLUFFY
No!
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - UTILITY RAMP
BUZZER
Gravity? Again?
TORCH
Look out below!
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
The Pyramid of Darkness is nearing completion, Zartan. Two more parties have left with the control cubes.
DUSTY
Mercy! Have pity on me!
DUKE
Dusty!
DUSTY
Let me rest in gravity!
ZARTAN
Seize the prisoner.
DUKE
You miserable slave driver!
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - UTILITY RAMP
TORCH
Can't stop! Stand aside!
BUZZER
Look out!
ZARTAN
That should be enough gravity to satisfy you for quite a while.
DUSTY
Cobra must be up to somethin' big.
ZARTAN
Take the prisoner and your wretched selves out of here at once!
DUSTY
Duke, are you okay?
DUKE
Dusty, get a message back to....
EXT. DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND - DAY
DESTRO (O.C.)
Carefully. You must not damage the cube.
DESTRO
Horizontal alignment has been verified. Commence implantation. Three point zero nine minutes down on vertical axis. Slowly, slowly...
DESTRO
Sander.
DESTRO
Maintain cube position!
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Let's put one cube down the tube!
DESTRO
Nothing must interfere with cube placement! Cobra!
FLINT
All right, we'll just have to go in from the side door.
DESTRO
Cobra! Prepare for ground attack!
FLINT AND LADY JAYE
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Hit the dirt!
FLINT
Pink is your color.
LADY JAYE
Don't laugh, you bum.
FLINT
I don't know what that cube does, but we've got to take it apart before it does it.
INT. CUBE FACTORY
SHIPWRECK
I'm not crazy about the way things are goin', Snake-Eyes. This factory's turnin' out cubes faster than we can figure out what to do.
INTERCOM
Attention. Attention. A message from our glorious leader, Cobra Commander.
POLLY
Up his nose with a fire hose!
SHIPWRECK
Shh.
COBRA COMMANDER
I am pleased with your rapid production of the control cubes. The fourth and final cube must be finished at once, so we do not lose the strategic advantage to our enemy, G. I. Joe! Now back to work, and victory. Cobra!
SNAKELINGS
Cobra!
SHIPWRECK
We gotta scoop the story on those cubes and get travellin'.
INT. CUBE FACTORY - HALLWAY
SHIPWRECK
Hold it. The chief engineer's office. We've hit pay dirt. This'll take a little finesse.
POLLY
Finesse, yeah, finesse!
SHIPWRECK
Batten down your bilge, Polly. We've got work to do.
SHIPWRECK
Bingo. That laser disc programs the assembly line. Everything Headquarters needs to know about those cubes is on this.
COBRA OFFICER [Frank Welker]
Okay, turn around!
SHIPWRECK
Good goin', Timber! Okay, okay, you too, Polly. And speakin' o' goin', we're gone.
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - OPEN AREA
BUZZER
Work!
MUTT
I don't know, Dusty. I mean, the fact you used to repair refrigerators doesn't make you an electronics expert.
DUSTY
I'm not sayin' I'm an expert. But I know enough to put this circuit jumper across those communications cables.
MUTT
And then anything Zartan picks up on his monitor will be broadcast out on Joe frequency?
DUSTY
That's the idea, but first we need a diversion.
MUTT
I hope this cable has enough voltage.
DUSTY
I'm sure it'll spark some interest.
FATAL FLUFFY
Hey! You bad!
MUTT
They're as dumb as they are ugly!
FATAL FLUFFIES (repeatedly)
WORK!, NO!, ROAR!, etc.
TORCH
Hey there! Get back to your posts! Come on! Let go!
MUTT
Okay Dusty, do your stuff.
FATAL FLUFFY
Prisoners! Now you pay!
FATAL FLUFFY
You shall pay!
DUSTY
He won't even remember his name after that jolt.
MUTT
That's really gonna do it?
DUSTY
You bet, uh, probably. I hope.
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
The Crimson Twins will soon reach the City of the Dead without interference from G. I. Joe. The cube will soon be in place.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DA
AIRTIGHT (O.C.)
I'm pickin' up somethin' on Joe frequency. It could be from Space Station Delta.
COBRA COMMANDER
Major Bludd is on schedule for the Mountain of Glass, Zartan. There remains but one last link to complete my master plan!
ROADBLOCK
Cobra's got the Delta station. They're plantin' cubes throughout creation. If we don't start retaliation, we're sunk, and that's no bunk!
ADM. LEDGER
Hold on, crew! Roadblock said retaliation, didn't he?
JOES AND CREW
Yeah!
ADM. LEDGER
Well, that's just what we're gonna do! Retaliate!
JOES AND CREW
Yo Joe!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
INT. CARGO PLANE - COCKPIT
AIRTIGHT
You know, Footloose, I think Adm. Ledger showed exceptional judgment in assigning us to head this cube-chasing detachment. You and I are a uniquely capable combination, don't you think?
FOOTLOOSE
Like, makes no never mind to me, Airtight. I'll just mellow out until we hit the City of the Dead.
AIRTIGHT
I'm gonna use this time to double-check my computations on fuel consumption.... Nine point two times five point oh...
ROADBLOCK
You, button your lip and fly this ship, and you, on your toes or I'll mash your nose! You two dingbats never headed a mission before. Well, that's why Adm. Ledger put me in charge. So shape up now, or this goes pow.
AIRTIGHT
Uh, right, Roadblock!
FOOTLOOSE
Y-yes, sir! Right away sir!
AIRTIGHT
We're on our way!
EXT. USS FLAGG
ALPINE
Major Bludd's heading for that charming, frozen confection, that jagged, iced peak called the Mountain of Glass, and we're gonna climb it, Bazook, hand over hand, dangling in space, thousands of feet in the air. Ain't that excitin'?
BAZOOKA
No. Sickenin'.
ALPINE
Why you say that?
BAZOOKA
Fallin'.
ALPINE
Oh, well don't worry. We won't do that part.
INT. CUBE FACTORY - MINESHAFT
SHIPWRECK
This thing's got auxilliary power, but we can't risk the noise until we're farther out.
POLLY
See, saw, Marjorie Daw, Jack will have a new master. And Shipwreck will have a Charlie horse!
SHIPWRECK
Keep it up, Polly, and I'll turn you into a hood ornament!
SHIPWRECK
Timber, help Snake-Eyes pump while I start the engine.
POLLY
Pump! Pump! Put your paws into it!
SHIPWRECK
It won't catch! Come on, you rust covered barnacle!
SHIPWRECK
Thanks, Timber. I owe you a big one.
COBRA OFFICER [Chris Latta]
They can't outrun our Track Reptiles! Take Route F and intercept 'em at Junction Seven!
COBRA OFFICERS
Cobra!
POLLY
Pump iron! Pump iron!
COBRA OFFICER
Ten thousand gold fang shillings to the trooper who brings them in!
SHIPWRECK
Faster, Snake-Eyes, faster!
POLLY
No visitors!
COBRA OFFICER
Cobra!
SHIPWRECK
You antique, metal meatball!
COBRA OFFICER
Run them down! Increase thrust!
SHIPWRECK
Switch ahead! Time to part company, Snake-Eyes!
SHIPWRECK
All right, we did it! We're finally out of...
POLLY
Danger! Save Polly!
SHIPWRECK
Get ready for a little roller coaster ride!
POLLY
One down, one to go!
SHIPWRECK
Hit the brakes!
SHIPWRECK
Let's get outta here. I've been underground so long, I feel like a toadstool.
INT. ENTERPRISE CITY - SUBWAY STATION
SHIPWRECK
Let's stash these uniforms where they belong.
EXT. ENTERPRISE CITY - NIGHT
SHIPWRECK
Great. We just went from the sewer up to the toilet.
COL. SLASH [Bill Morey?]
I have them. They're moving into the civilian sector.
EXT. DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND - DUSK
DESTRO
Maintain fire until cube placement has been verified! Point five seven zero, vertical, mark!
FLINT
Well, if we can't take the low road...
LADY JAYE
The high road's not a bad idea.
FLINT
Yo Joe!
LADY JAYE
Flint, help!
FLINT
Lady Jaye!
EXT. DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND - DUSK
DESTRO
Maintain cover fire. The control cube will soon be locked into position. Then no force on earth can dislodge it.
WILD BILL
What we got here is a semi-standoff. Only Destro can do what he wants, and we can't do diddly! We can't even get to Flint and Lady Jaye. And if that mud doesn't boil 'em, they'll surely and purely drown!
EXT. DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND - MUD PIT
FLINT
It's...it's good to breathe again--even if the quarters are a little cramped.
LADY JAYE
I don't know. I think it's rather cozy.
FLINT
So...where do we go from here. Uh, not us personally, I mean the mission.
LADY JAYE
Why, to the top, naturally.
EXT. DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND - DUSK
COBRA
The cube is in place, Destro!
DESTRO
Magnificent.
FLINT
Destro's still at it, but this time, we might have a shot.
INT. ENTERPRISE CITY - PRE-DAWN
POLLY
Polly want a taxi! Get Polly outta here!
SHIPWRECK
I'm not exactly lovin' this either, your beakship. But we don't have a lot of options.
SHIPWRECK
That looks like a nice place to get somethin' to eat, like maybe a broken leg o' lamb.
INT. SNAKE CLUB
SHIPWRECK
Nice quiet place!
SHIPWRECK
Whaddya mean reservation? This ain't no hotel!
DOORKEEPER
Okay, forget that. But I ain't seein' nobody with no parrot and no dog.
SHIPWRECK
Uh,...what parrot? What dog?
DOORKEEPER
Yeah, well I don't see no bird no more, but I still see a dog.
DOORKEEPER
Funny, that little doggie just disappeared! Take any table you want.
SHIPWRECK
Thanks, chump.
EMCEE (on speakers)
And now, the Snake Cafe is proud to present,...
COL. SLASH [Bill Morey?]
Spread out!
EMCEE (on speakers)
...the scintillatin' star, the one, the only...Satin!
SATIN [Ketty Lester] (singing)
The Cobra that got away changed my life one rainy day.
On our first rendezvous, we held hands and I heard him say,
"If you want a romance from me, you're barking up the wrong tree,"
COL. SLASH
As soon as the song ends, grab him.
SATIN (CONT.)
"'Cause Destro has the first call on my life, time, and all.
When he shouts, 'Cobra fight,' I war by day, go by night.
Goodbye, miss, I've got to say." The Cobra that got away.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
POLLY (with squawking)
The Cobra that got away!
SATIN
The Cobra that got away went bye-bye, no more to say.
He stuck me with the bill, but I think of him still....
COL. SLASH
Now!
SATIN
They're coming for you. Stick close to me.
COL. SLASH
The music won't play forever. When it's finished, so are they.
SHIPWRECK
This is no time to be shy, Snake. Move those feet!
SATIN
Unbelievable. Go, baby, go!
COL. SLASH
C'mon, come on!
EXT. HIDDEN COBRA BASE
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
I assigned placement of the first control cube to you, Destro, because I expected you to be quick about it, but all I've received are excuses!
DESTRO
No longer, my esteemed Cobra Commander. The cube is locked into position.
COBRA COMMANDER
Watch out behind you!
EXT. DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND - DUSK
LADY JAYE
Here's some loose ends to tie you up, Destro!
FLINT
This mine should do the trick.
DESTRO
You must forgive me for being an ungratious host, but the control cube will entertain you in my absence. Cobra!
JOES
Yo Joe!
LADY JAYE
All right! Here comes the cavalry!
INT. SNAKE CLUB
COL. SLASH
Take 'em!
SATIN
One more time!
SATIN
Let's get outta here!
COL. SLASH
After them!
COBRAS
Hey!, What's goin' on?, I can't see!, etc.
COL. SLASH
There! Up there!
DANCER
Don't get fresh with me, ya bum!
COL. SLASH
Cover the exits and the basement! They must be here somewhere!
POLLY
All the world's a stage! --William Shakespeare!
SHIPWRECK
Can it, bird brain. --Shipwreck Delgado.
COL. SLASH
Over there!
SATIN
In here!
SATIN
Okay. Now comes the hard part: you're gonna have to trust me.
EXT. CITY OF THE DEAD - DAY
INT. CITY OF THE DEAD
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Behold, the ancient guardians of the City of the Dead. (X) We must not awaken them from their eternal slumber. (T and X) We'll let the Joes do that for us.
CRIMSON GUARD
G. I. Joe? But they're ignorant of our movements.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Not anymore. They're right behind us. (X) So take cover, (T and X) and await events.
ROADBLOCK
Yo Joe, and here we go. This place looks weird, and that's a fact. What are you gettin', Airtight?
AIRTIGHT
Radioactive and metallic interference from mineral deposits make it impossible to tell if Cobra's already here or on the way.
ROADBLOCK
Well, we can't just sit down and send out for pizza. If that cube's here, we gotta find it. Yo Joe.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) The Joes have unwittingly activated (X) the ancient guardians. (T) And when they've destroyed G. I. Joe, (X) we shall plant our cube (T and X) and be gone.
EXT. MOUNTAIN OF GLASS - DAY
MAJ. BLUDD
Align the control cube and raise it into position! Two five five point seven, vertical, mark!
MAJ. BLUDD
Excellent! Now secure it swiftly!
ALPINE
Look, up there! One of the Cobra cubes! But how are we gonna get up there before Maj. Bludd rains on our parade?
BAZOOKA
Strategy?
ALPINE
Now you're talkin', Bazook. I may even quote you in my memoirs.
ALPINE
Let's send the guys up this way. Then you and I can climb up the cliff face of this mountain and take 'em from behind. Uh-oh.
MAJ. BLUDD
It's the Joes! We must not let them interfere with our work! Cobra!
ALPINE
Of course, your burning question is, how can our guys get up that ice wall. Correct?
BAZOOKA
Right.
ALPINE
Brilliant analysis. Fortunately, I happen to have a brilliant solution.
BAZOOKA
Yodel?
ALPINE
You got it. A good ol' Alpine yodel. (Yodels) Oh, yeah.
ALPINE AND BAZOOKA
Yo Joe!
ALPINE
Take 'em over the crevasse, Tollbooth. Bazooka and I will rendezvous with you from the other side!
TOLLBOOTH
Piece o' cake for the Bridgelayer.
MAJ. BLUDD
Defend the cube at all costs! Cobra!
ALPINE
Now it's up to us. Let's give Major Bludd a nasty surprise.
ALPINE
[Inuit phrase?] and Go, man, go!
ALPINE
Fantastic view, eh, Bazook?
BAZOOKA
Fan...tastic.
INT. COBRA CLUB - DRESSING ROOMS
COL. SLASH
Out of my way. Stand back! They've got to be hiding here somewhere.
INT. COBRA CLUB - SATIN'S DRESSING ROOM
COL. SLASH
All right, where are they?
SATIN
A gentleman would knock before entering a lady's dressing room.
COL. SLASH
Cool it, sister. Where are those guys you were dancing with?
SATIN
How should I know, you maxi-jerk? I have a hard enough time entertaining this sleaze-bag audience without having to answer a buncha stupid questions from the likes of you!
COL. SLASH
But, but, we think those men are agents of G. I. Joe.
SATIN
Then go catch 'em, ya clutz. Now get outta here, or I'll report you to my biggest fan. He buys all my records.
COL. SLASH
Uh, uh, a thousand apologies, Miss Satin. Please say hello to the Cobra Commander next time he's in to see the show. Um, tell him Colonel Slash sends his regards.
SATIN
Get out, Slush!
COL. SLASH
That's Slash!
SATIN
Get out!
COL. SLASH
Thank you!
SATIN
Okay. You guys can come out now.
POLLY
There's no biz like show biz.
SATIN
Now all we've got to do is get out of here before our friends get suspicious and come back.
SHIPWRECK
Look, I don't wanna seem ungrateful, but why are you so good to us? And don't tell me we remind you of your family.
SATIN
Let's just say I have a soft spot in my head for weirdos. Hold on a second.
SATIN
Here, get into these, fast. And no arguments.
SHIPWRECK
You heard the lady, Snake-Eyes. Here, you take the dress.
EXT. MOUNTAIN OF GLASS
MAJ. BLUDD
Keep them pinned down! The control cube is nearly in position! Final alignment coordinates, seven five point nine, vertical, mark!
ALPINE
Careful where you plant your big feet, Bazooka.
ALPINE AND BAZOOKA
Whoa!
MAJ. BLUDD
What? Up there! More Joes!
ALPINE
We gotta go for it now. Yo Joe!
INT. CITY OF THE DEAD
AIRTIGHT
I don't want to seem primitive or superstitous, but I have this disturbing feeling that...
FOOTLOOSE
Tell me, dude. Like, it's like when you're surfin' and you just know this killer wave is sneakin' up behind you, ready to wipe you out.
ROADBLOCK
You guys are gettin' on my nerves with all that fear talk. Nothin' to be afraid of....
ROADBLOCK
Let's lay these ceramic suckers out!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Now that the Joes are preoccupied, (X) we are free to position our control cube (T and X) without interference.
TOMAX
Coordinates nine seven five point six, vertical, mark! ... Xamot!
XAMOT
Tomax!
ROADBLOCK
We're in big trouble!
AIRTIGHT
What do we do?
FOOTLOOSE
Yeah, like, what?
ROADBLOCK
This way!
ROADBLOCK
Two points!
AIRTIGHT
Roadblock! Footloose! Now we got double trouble!
ROADBLOCK
Well, we're just gonna have to take 'em one at a time.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Tomax, watch out! (T) It's the Joes!
ROADBLOCK
Strike!
TOMAX
Xamot, activate the control cube before it's too late!
XAMOT
Right!
TOMAX
I'll handle this buffoon....
AIRTIGHT
Hey, check that out! Each twin feels what happens to the other!
XAMOT
You may have one of us, but you have lost!
ROADBLOCK
What's happenin'
AIRTIGHT
He energized the cube!
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - OPEN AREA
MUTT
What's goin' on, Dusty? This place is vibratin' like a fifty dollar milkshake?
DUSTY
And they like it, so it can't be good.
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
ZARTAN
Savor this moment, Duke. It marks the beginning of your end.
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - OPEN AREA
DUSTY
It's completin' the cube energy circuit!
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
ROADBLOCK
A beam of darkness! Get back!
XAMOT
I shall return for you, brother Tomax! Have no fear!
ROADBLOCK
Form a unit to babysit the cube. We got this sucker. I'm afraid that he's all we got left to trade.
EXT. DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND
LADY JAYE
There must be a way to escape! We've got to...huh?
LADY JAYE
The cube's going crazy!
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
EXT. DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND
FLINT
Everybody get back!
EXT. MOUNTAIN OF GLASS
MAJ. BLUDD
Hold them off while I make the final adjustments!
TOLLBOOTH
Keep hammerin' at 'em! We've got to get to that cube before we can start diggin' for Alpine and Bazooka!
ALPINE
Man, now I know how a frozen pizza feels. Hey, you hear me, Bazook?
BAZOOKA
Barely.
ALPINE
Well, stop playin' groundhog, buddy. We got a mission to complete.
BAZOOKA
Ouch.
ALPINE
What's the matter, good buddy?
BAZOOKA
Leg hurts.
ALPINE
When you stand or when you move?
BAZOOKA
Both.
ALPINE
Well, then you'll just have to use the Alpine Taxi Service. Come on, get on my back.
STORM SHADOW
So, our enemies survived the avalanche. We must now ensure an end to their good fortune.
SNOW SERPENT
As you command, Storm Shadow.
EXT. RIVER NEAR MOUNTAIN OF GLASS
ALPINE
Looks like we got off course. The cube and our guys must be back the other way.
STORM SHADOW
The elements shall see to your destiny, G. I. Joe! The cold of the icy sea will be far kinder to you than Cobra. Farewell!
ALPINE
If those waves hit us, we'll be frozen before you can say TV Dinner!
BAZOOKA
Uh-oh, leopard seals!
ALPINE
If you're gonna get talky on me, I wish you'd find something good to report. Oh no, my weapon froze!
ALPINE
Forget TV Dinners! Let's make a sincere attempt not to be these critters' main course!
EXT. RIVER NEAR MOUNTAIN OF GLASS
ALPINE
Let's rock the boat!
COBRA OFFICER
The fools'll capsize, and the leopard seals'll devour them anyway.
BAZOOKA
Stuck.
ALPINE
And out of luck!
QUICK KICK
Row to shore!
BAZOOKA
Look!
QUICK KICK
Got a problem, pilgrim?
STORM SHADOW
You shall learn a harsh lesson.
QUICK KICK
You were saying, teacher?
ALPINE
Don't know the dude, Bazook, but he's got a winning personality.
ALPINE
Thanks for the hand, stranger.
BAZOOKA
And the feet.
QUICK KICK
Good thing I did that reeling-in-the-ice-floe stuff before. It was in a Robert Redford picture, but neither of you is as pretty as he is.
ALPINE
Beauty isn't our strong suit, but fighting Cobra is. You're our kind of snake stomper.
BAZOOKA
Right.
ALPINE
Will you stop jabberin' so's I can sneak a word in? What's your name and your game, my man?
QUICK KICK
The name's Quick Kick. I'm a movie stuntman up here filming a commercial for Frozen Fudgie bars. But my director took off with the equipment and my money. But enough o' my personal problems, sweetheart.
ALPINE
Get down.
EXT. MOUNTAIN OF GLASS
MAJ. BLUDD
Excellent! The control cube is ready. Cobra!
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
EXT. MOUNTAIN OF GLASS
ALPINE
Major Bludd's activated the cube!
QUICK KICK
Now is our chance! Come on!
QUICK KICK
Hitchin' rides can be hazardous to our health, but hangin' around here would be fatal!
MAJ. BLUDD
Goodbye, G. I. Joe. Your failure has been most gratifying.
BAZOOKA
Fudgies!
ALPINE
Say what?
BAZOOKA
Fudgies!
QUICK KICK
You mean the candy bars I was plugging?
BAZOOKA
Yup. Got any?
QUICK KICK (singing)
Frozen Fudgies, what a treat!
Lots of chocolate, really sweet!
Full of taffy, raisin, and nuts.
They'll melt in your mouth...and turn to lead in your guts.
ALPINE
Mmm, gross.
BAZOOKA
Mmm, good.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
ADM. LEDGER
Thanks to Roadblock, we've got a prisoner to interrogate.
ROADBLOCK
Let me read him his rights. Here's one right, and here's the other. Now, talk to the man.
TOMAX
Yes, I will speak. The answer is on this insignia. Look closely.
FLINT
No, don't!
ADM. LEDGER
Condition red! Tomax has escaped!
LADY JAYE
There, in the rigging!
FLINT
Break out the rocket boats!
TOMAX
Sorry I can't stay, but I'll drop you each a line!
LADY JAYE
While I tie up a few loose ends, why don't you two tie down that twin termite?
ROADBLOCK
I'm on my way, Lady Jaye!
ROADBLOCK
Let's play catch.
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
XAMOT
Ahh! I'm falling! I'm falling!
COBRA COMMANDER
What hysterical idiocy is this, Xamot? Your feet are firmly on the ground!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
XAMOT
A safe landing.
DESTRO
Xamot is reacting to the experience of his twin Tomax. There's a psychic bond between them.
COBRA COMMANDER
What a revolting display.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
FLINT
You're grounded, Tomax.
TOMAX
Thank you for making my pursuit so...physical.
LADY JAYE
What did he mean by that?
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
XAMOT
By treating Tomax roughly, G. I. Joe has enabled me to feel my brother's whereabouts.
XAMOT (CONT.)
There, in the location marked for the fourth and final control cube: the Sea of Lost Souls. I wish to rescue him immediately.
COBRA COMMANDER
Out of the question. Destro and the Baroness are leaving now to plant the last cube and complete the Pyramid of Darkness. Your sentimental expedition could jeopardize their actions!
XAMOT
May I remind you, Extensive Enterprises financed this operation one hundred percent!
COBRA COMMANDER
Why, go. Begin your mission of mercy at once.
XAMOT
Good!
DESTRO
I do not agree with our leader's change of heart.
BARONESS
Has the noble Destro forgotten? Our leader has no heart.
XAMOT
One thing more: You must not activate the fourth cube until I have escaped the G. I. Joe stronghold with Tomax.
COBRA COMMANDER
You have my word, my dear Xamot. I wish you every success. Cobra!
XAMOT
Oh,...Cobra!
COBRA COMMANDER
Destro, you and the Baroness shall activate the fourth cube the instant it is in position.
DESTRO
But the Pyramid of Darkness...
BARONESS
...will doom Tomax and his brother to the same fate as G. I. Joe.
DESTRO
Ah, leaving us with two fewer partners with whom to share the earth. A perfect plan, my beloved Cobra Commander. Perfect!
EXT. ENTERPRISE CITY - GATE
SATIN [Ketty Lester]
Raise the gate, honey. We're late for a gig!
COBRA
Save the sweet talk, lady! Nobody gets by us without righteous ID. Let's see your letter of transit, or prepare for air conditionin'!
SATIN
Hey, entertainers don't need a special pass. We're doin' a performance at Cobra Temple for Destro and the Cobra Commander. And if we're late, you better buy insurance.
COBRA
Entertainers, huh? Okay in there, it's showtime! And you better be good! Come on out, or I'm comin' in after ya!
SHIPWRECK
Agitation, friend, that's your scene! Gyration, syncopation, animation, or imagination do not provoke my irritation, but agitation...yuck! With a capital Barf! Let's amuse the man, compadres! Music to soothe the savage beast!
SATIN (singing)
[Note: I cannot make out the words at this point on my video. Any help would be appreciated - Propadeutic, transcriber.]
SATIN
Go for it! Yo ho!
SHIPWRECK
You mean, Yo Joe.
SATIN
Don't get technical. Move!
COBRA
Stop 'em! Blast 'em!
SHIPWRECK
They'll tear us apart!
POLLY
Polly wants bullet-proof feathers!
SHIPWRECK
Way to go, Satin!
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS
ADM. LEDGER (V.O.)
They're heading for the Sea of Lost Souls. It's been a graveyard for ships for a thousand years, and I can get us there in less than two hours.
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
FLINT
By which time they'll have planted the last cube. We've got to get there first and blow them out of the water. Come on, Lady Jaye.
ADM. LEDGER
We can't let 'em go it alone. Get us there in one hour, max!
XAMOT
Soon, my brother Tomax, you shall be free.
XAMOT
This way, Tomax is here! I can sense his presence.
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS
BARONESS
Guard yourself well, Destro. Now, align the cube and bring us victory.
FLINT
Not so fast, tin top! Yo Joe!
DESTRO
Give them the venom they deserve!
BARONESS
I shall not disappoint you, noble Destro! Cobra!
FLINT
Destro's going down to the cube. Wait!
LADY JAYE
Don't worry. I've been in worse dives.
FLINT
Good luck, Lady Jaye! Yo Joe!
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS - UNDERWATER
DESTRO
Welcome, Lady Jaye. Meet my new robotopus.
LADY JAYE
Eyeball this, robotopus!
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIG
XAMOT
Now, release the starflies!
SAILOR
Hey, look at the pretty butterflies!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Brother! (X) Brother, (T) now that we are reunited, (T and X) we cannot fail.
TOMAX
Quickly, before the Pyramid of Darkness is complete!
XAMOT
No need to rush. The Cobra Commander has pledged not to activate the fourth cube until we are safely away.
TOMAX
And you believe him?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Of course not.
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS - UNDERWATER
DESTRO
Too little, too late!
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS
BARONESS
You have done it, darling Destro! You have made us invincible!
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Done. The Pyramid of Darkness is complete at last! Now, no electrical energy force can function unless I permit it. I now hold the destiny of the world in my hands!
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS - DARKENED
LADY JAYE
Flint!
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS - USS FLAGG - DARKENED
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS - DARKENED
FLINT
Power's gone! Going to crash!
FLINT
The Pyramid of Darkness may cancel out modern power sources, but it can't stop the Falcon Glider!
LADY JAYE
Don't forget about me!
FLINT
I couldn't if I tried!
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS - USS FLAGG - DARKENED
FLINT
Flint and Lady Jaye reporting for duty, Adm. Ledger.
XAMOT
Cobra Commander's treachery extends to all our friends, brother.
DESTRO
Stroke... Stroke... Stroke. The taste of total victory is sweet, dear Baroness. Almost as sweet as you.
BARONESS
Oh, Destromeo, how gallant!
TOMAX
We are marooned in the darkness.
XAMOT
Not so, Tomax. I've made preparations.
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS - DARKENED
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) We ride in style! (X) The time is coming to get a return on our investment. (T) We must signal our agents aboard Space Station Delta (X) to take control of everything.
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - ACCESS TUNNELS
TORCH
Ah, there it is, gentleman. The lovely flare we've been waitin' for. It's our turn now!
TORCH
Any objection, Zartan?
ZARTAN
You mercenary traitors! You'll pay for this!
BUZZER
Wrong, Zartan! Our real employers, Tomax and Xamot, are the ones who'll be payin'!
TORCH
That's right! They're payin' us a fortune to take control o' this here space station.
EXT. SEA OF LOST SOULS - USS FLAGG - DARKENED
ADM. LEDGER
I'm afraid we're becalmed.
FLINT
Men sailed the seas before electricity, Admiral.
LADY JAYE
What do you mean, Flint?
FLINT
Mother Nature, Lady Jaye, Mother Nature. We'll harness the power of the wind.
ADM. LEDGER
Yes, wind. But will it work?
FLINT
We'll soon find out.
ADM. LEDGER
Put your backs into it, laddies!
LADY JAYE
It's catching the wind. It worked! Yo Joe!
EXT. ENTERPRISE CITY - DAY
SATIN
You're on your own from here. It was more monkeys than a barrel o' laughs, or somethin'. Hasta la vista.
SHIPWRECK
Satin, wait! Why don't you come with us and help with Cobra?
SATIN
I'd like that, sailor man, but I've got my own song to sing. You see, Cobra framed my father for crimes he didn't commit. And dad never recovered. Well, maybe we'll get together again some time. (Singing) The Cobra who got away....
SHIPWRECK
Right, Snake-Eyes. That laser disc has the inside info on those control cubes. We've gotta get it back to Headquarters.
EXT. HIDDEN COBRA BASE - DAY
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
O glorious satisfaction! The Pyramid of Darkness is functional! And when I give my ultimatum to the world, all will grovel at my feet! I wonder if I should bgein with my back to the camera, and then turn suddenly, or would a simple close-up be more dramatic?
TOMAX
Neither, Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
What?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You are no longer (T) master of this situation. We now control Space Station Delta, (X) the Pyramid of Darkness... (T and X) the whole enchilada.
COBRA COMMANDER
What poppycock is this? Your strutting and boasting is ludicrous.
COBRA COMMANDER
Come in, Zartan. Acquaint these twin nitwits with the facts of life!
TORCH
Sorry, your supreme snakeship, but the twins have it right, and you have it wrong.
COBRA COMMANDER
No! I won't accept this! This is...skullduggery!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) If you wish to remain part of our triumph, (T) you will cooperate fully, (X) or we shall simply remove you entirely. (T and X) Understand?
COBRA COMMANDER
Why of course, noble lads. I would never permit my personal desires to interfere with the greater glory of Cobra. You have my absolute loyalty.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) How comforting. (T) How dependable.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
QUICK KICK
I don't know where we're headed, but I don't think I want to go there.
ALPINE
I doubt Maj. Bludd set out to take the shower of a lifetime, so I'm betting there's something behind those falls.
BAZOOKA
Cobra!
ALPINE
Go!
QUICK KICK
Hey, let's make a getaway like the one I did in the martial arts flick, Last Jet to Killer Karate College.
ALPINE
Wonderful notion, Quick Kick, only there's no aircraft within a mile of here. Right, Bazook?
BAZOOKA
Wrong. Closer.
QUICK KICK
Like the fella says, and away we go!
ALPINE
Nothin' like lasers to hasten weary footsteps.
QUICK KICK
When I fly for pay, it's usually to crash into something.
ALPINE
Well, remember, this is a freebie and get us outta here.
BAZOOKA
Made it!
ALPINE
Way to go, Q. K., if you don't mind the initials.
COBRA
Your new initials are M.U.D., and if you can't spell, that means mud. Now get away from those controls.
BAZOOKA
Alpine, help!
ALPINE
Bazook!
QUICK KICK
G forces! Can't move!
ALPINE
Bazooka!
EXT. AIR OVER JUNGLE - DAY
QUICK KICK
G forces! Too hard to move!
ALPINE
Great stunt work, stuntman.
ALPINE
We're goin' down! Any ideas?
QUICK KICK
As a matter of fact, did you notice what the cargo on this crate is? Trubble Bubbles!
QUICK KICK
Joe Headquarters! Let's move it!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DARKENED
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
GUNG-HO
Nuts! You can't run a twentieth-century HQ on first-century technology! This is hopeless! Without the juice it's no use. Huh?
COBRA COMMANDER
Citizens of earth, we have diminished the Pyramid's power enough to address you now.
GUNG-HO
Ah, stick your head in a bucket and rust your face off!
COBRA COMMANDER
And here to present our ultimatum, your new supreme leaders, the Crimson Twins.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) All governments must surrender to us (X) and Cobra by the end of the day, (T) or we shall intensify the strength of the Pyramid of Darkness.
ACE
Looks like Cobra Commander's havin' a little power failure of his own.
GUNG-HO
We've got less than seven hours.
ACE
What's that noise?
WILD BILL
Sounds like my pappy's ranch at feedin' time.
GUNG-HO
Open the door and give our visitors the famous Joe welcome.
GUNG-HO
We're saved guys! It's the cow cavalry!
WILD BILL
We thought you were done for!
STALKER
If you had to play cowboys and Cobras, couldn't you have done it on horses?
SHIPWRECK
Very hilarious, but when we hit the Pyramid of Darkness, we had to improvise. Do us a favor, Wild Bill. Milk our ponies and bring us a glass.
WILD BILL
Huh?
GUNG-HO
I'll get you both a drink if you've got somethin' for us.
SHIPWRECK
We got a laser disc from a Cobra factory.
GUNG-HO
How do you play a laser disc with candle power?
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
TOMAX AND XAMOT (V.O.)
All life forms will perish.
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
TOMAX AND XAMOT (CONT.)
You have only until the end of this day to respond.
TORCH
Bravo! Bravo! It's even better in rerun. Want to see it again?
ZARTAN
Under no circumstances.
TORCH
You don't seem so confident without your precious whistle. Take him away!
MUTT
Dusty, we've got to get control of these Fatal Fluffies.
FATAL FLUFFY
No talking!
TORCH
Well, well. Lyin' down on the job again, are you? Get back in line!
MUTT
The whistle that controls the Fatal Fluffies--Torch has it around his neck. (to Junkyard) See that whistle, Junkyard? Go fetch it!
TORCH
No!
MUTT
Good boy, Junk!
TORCH
Get that whistle!
FATAL FLUFFIES
Roar!, Grr!, Die!, Move! Move or be punished!, etc.
DUSTY
The Fatal Fluffies are goin' crazy!
JOES
Yo Joe!
TORCH
Don't hurt us! It was all Zartan's fault! We was always nice to you, wasn't we?
DUKE
Way to go, guys. Now let's put some yo back in Joe!
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
DUSTY (V.O.)
Yo Joe!
EXT. WILDERNESS - EDGE OF PYRAMID
QUICK KICK (O.C.)
I don't think I'm gonna love this part of the picture.
ALPINE (O.C.)
We're losin' power!
QUICK KICK
Get ready to jump!
ALPINE
It's not the jumpin' that worries me. It's the...
BAZOOKA
...landing.
ALPINE
Hey, I distinctly hear the gentle sound of the tables turning.
QUICK KICK
Yeah! Let the sunshine in!
EXT. HIDDEN COBRA BASE - DAY
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Calamity most foul! Aghhh! No! No! No! Your selfish bungling has permitted the Joes to undo my exquisite Pyramid of Darkness! You twin twerps! I'm back in command now.
COBRA COMMANDER
Come in, Destro, come in!
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop that, Destro! I see you both clearly and I am stunned!
DESTRO
She, uh, she had something in her eye, Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
My eye, she did! Now stop going ga-ga and establish a low-altitude Pyramid of Darkness at once!
DESTRO
As you order, Cobra Commander. Cobra!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Excellency, we must also take precautions to guard (X) Cobra Temple (T and X) from a sneak attack.
COBRA COMMANDER
Balderdash! This temple is in no danger, because nobody knows where it is. Now get out of my sight!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
FLINT
We've got to treat this as a temporary victory only, unless you guys at Headquarters have something to make it a little more permanent.
SHIPWRECK
This laser disc Snake-Eyes and I borrowed from Cobra has info on the control cubes. Now that we've got power, I can spin this platter. Let's hope it's a hit. I'll patch the computer's image directly to you, Flint.
COMPUTER
Plans and structural elements of robotic self-defense mechanisms. Details of longitudinal alignments systems.
LADY JAYE
Skip past the general diagrams. What we need to know is whether those cubes are vulnerable.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
SHIPWRECK
You got it, Lady.
COMPUTER
...self-destruct mechanism.
SHIPWRECK
Bingo! It's in Cobra Temple.
GUNG-HO
Now all we've gotta do is find that house of serpents before it's too...late.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
EXT. USS FLAGG
FLINT
Adm. Ledger, Cobra's rebuilt the Pyramid of Darkness.
EXT. MOUNTAIN PEAK
DESTRO
This low-altitude Pyramid of Darkness will give us the time we need to destroy G. I. Joe.
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent, Destro. Then we shall win after all! The world will be ours!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
QUICK KICK
Here we go again!
ALPINE
Headquarters! Bail out!
BAZOOKA
Too late!
ALPINE
Hold on!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
SHIPWRECK
A Cobra copter!
ALPINE
Sorry to drop in unannounced, but we just happened to fall by the neighborhood.
SHIPWRECK
Well, don't keep us in suspense, Alpine. Why'd you treat us to this open house, and who's the barefooted stranger?
ALPINE
Introducing star of stage and screen, Quick Kick, stuntman extraordinaire.
QUICK KICK
Let me give 'em a quick update. ImetthesetwoguysontheMountainofGlass theywereinrealhotwateroutthereinthecoldbutidrewemaway fromsomeleopardsealssowehitchedaride withMajorBluddtoCobraTempleunderthefallsbutwe...
SHIPWRECK
Hold it! Hold it! Uh, rewind that part about the Cobra Temple.
QUICK KICK
Ewtubsllafehtrednuelpmetarboc otddulbraojamhtiwediradehctihew... I said, Major Bludd gave us a ride to Cobra Temple, but we....
GUNG-HO
You know where Cobra Temple is?
QUICK KICK
Sure. Doesn't everybody?
SHIPWRECK
This is the info we've been waitin' for!
GUNG-HO
The darkness isn't holding.
SHIPWRECK
Then get on the horn and see if you can contact Flint. There's a crack in the Cobra curtain, and we're goin' through it.
JOES
Yo Joe!, Let's go!, etc.
EXT. HIDDEN COBRA BASE - DAY
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Stabilize the Pyramid! What's taking you so long, Destro? This flickering is intolerable! G. I. Joe must be deprived of energy until we can launch our attack!
EXT. JUNGLE
SHIPWRECK
Come on! We've got just enough power! Keep movin'!
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Cobra soldiers, forward to victory!
EXT. HIDDEN COBRA BASE
COBRAS
Cobra!
COBRA OFFICER
Impossible.
SHIPWRECK
We'll be outta this darkness in a flash! Then, hammer through that temple and put those cubes out of action!
JOES
Yo Joe!
COBRA COMMANDER
G. I. Joe? But how? Take defensive positions, and fight the enemy to oblivion!
COBRA COMMANDER
Unleash the Cobra Dragon! Terminate the Joes!
SHIPWRECK
No strength!
ROADBLOCK
Got to fight...fight...got to...
COBRA COMMANDER
We've won! Won! Won! Wait until the Cobra Dragon is finished with them. Then clean up the mess. I'll be inside writing my victory speech.
ALPINE
Any suggestion?
BAZOOKA
Yodel?
ALPINE
You gotta be kiddin'!
QUICK KICK
Wait! I got an idea!
QUICK KICK
Now yodel.
ALPINE
This is ridiculous.
QUICK KICK
Come on, let's try it.
XAMOT
Look out!
SHIPWRECK
Alpine and his yodeling yokels did it!
JOES
Yo Joe!, Let's go!, Come on!, etc.
INT. COBRA BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
What is happening?
COBRA COMMANDER
Stand and fight, you cowards!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) We are bankrupt here! (T) But elsewhere we have prepared a fine surprise for the Joes!
COBRA COMMANDER
What do you mean surprise? Why am I always the last one to know?
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
SHIPWRECK
We've got to find the self-destruct mechanism for the cubes! But, where is it?
SHIPWRECK
Polly, you're allowance just went up ten crackers a week!
EXT. MOUNTAIN PEAK
BARONESS
Something's happening!
DESTRO
Brilliant deduction, Baroness!
BARONESS
Don't become hostile with me! We have a relationship!
DESTRO
Silence, woman! I'm losing Pyramid control!
DESTRO
It's self-destructing!
INT. RATTLER COCKPIT
COBRA COMMANDER
I lost my cubes! My wonderful cubes! All gone! Now I'll never rule the world! I hate this job!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Sensors indicate G. I. Joe is pursuing us. (T) But that's impossible, (T and X) absolutely impossible!
COBRA COMMANDER
Well, somebody forget to tell them!
EXT. USS FLAGG
ADM. LEDGER
Ready on flight deck?
JOES
Yo Joe!
XAMOT
We must get to the Enterprise Towers!
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes! Yes, hurry!
EXT. ENTERPRISE CITY
FLINT
Looks like Cobra's hunting for a nest, Lady Jaye. Let's make sure they don't get too comfortable.
LADY JAYE
I'm right behind you!
LADY JAYE
Yo Joe!
FLINT
All attack groups, this is Joe Leader. Proceed to Enterprise Towers.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWERS - HANGAR
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop! Our position is deteriorating! Will you acknowledge me? We must flee and save ourselves!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Relax. (X) We need not retreat. (T) We shall soon activate a weapon which (X) will destroy our enemies (T and X) completely.
COBRA COMMANDER
Weapon?
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWERS
SHIPWRECK
Enterprise Towers! They're transforming into a gantry and battle rocket! If that ship ever gets up, no force on earth will be able to handle it! We've got to keep it from reaching space.
INT. ROCKET - COCKPIT
COBRA COMMANDER
Brilliant! This huge rocket is invincible! The last laugh shall indeed be best!
EXT. ROCKET
SHIPWRECK
Satin!
SATIN [Ketty Lester]
Need a lift?
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
FLINT (V.O.)
Station Delta, do you see Battle Bird preparing to lift off?
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
DUSTY
We see it, and we don't like it. Duke and the rest of the guys are riggin' a proton beam strong enough to take it out, but they'll need more time.
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CELL
RIPPER
We didn't mean to double-cross you, Zartan.
TORCH
No, never! Nay, nicht, nein, no!
BUZZER
It was those scuzzy wuzzies. They intimidated us!
BUZZER
Oh, thank you, Zartan! Thank you!
ZARTAN
Oh, get up! Get up, you treacherous toadbellies! If Cobra loses, I alone shall seize the reins of power. And I'll need stooges to do my bidding, even second-rate stooges like you. Now, let's get out of here before we're discovered.
TORCH
Oh, you won't regret this.
BUZZER
Right. We love bein' your stooges.
INT. ROCKET - ELEVATOR
SATIN
Ready? We're nearing the upper level.
INT. ROCKET - COCKPIT
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Increasing thrust. (X) Liftoff in ten seconds... (T and X) nine...eight...seven...
SATIN
It's now or never, guys. Yo Joe!
SHIPWRECK
Yeah, right. Yo Joe!
SATIN
This is for messin' with my father!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) G. I. Joe has caught up! (X) Destroy them, brother!
SHIPWRECK
Oh, brother yourself!
SATIN
Hey, steel face is shortin' out his own rocket ship!
EXT. ROCKET (O.C.)
FLINT
Shipwreck, Duke's just about ready for that proton beam, so get outta there and don't drag anchor.
INT. ROCKET - COCKPIT
SHIPWRECK
I suppose this is a bad time to ask you to go out with me?
COBRA COMMANDER
Help, you fools! My face is magnetized to the controls!
EXT. ROCKET
POLLY
Polly wants flight insurance!
INT. ROCKET - COCKPIT
COBRA COMMANDER
I wish you were triplets so I could hit three of you!
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
COBRA COMMANDER (CONT., O.C.)
In competent, idiotic, fatheaded nincompoops!
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - GARBAGE DISPOSAL
ZARTAN
Get in here! Jettison now, before they fire!
EXT. SPACE - SPACE STATION DELTA
TORCH
Zartan, you put us in the garbage module!
INT. GARBAGE MODULE
TORCH
We'll get you for this, Zartan!
INT. SPACE STATION DELTA - CONTROL ROOM
DUKE
Proton beam is up to speed. Lock on coordinates. Fire!
INT. ROCKET - ESCAPE POD
TOMAX
Hurry, no time left!
EXT. SPACE - ROCKET
JOES (in various locations)
Yay!, Yo Joe!, etc.
EXT. ENTERPRISE CITY
SATIN
Yo, Shipwreck!
POLLY
Polly, too! Polly, too!
SHIPWRECK
Cool it, bird. Shipwreck works alone.
INT. SUBWAY CAR
COBRA COMMANDER
Your interference cost me victory!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
We should have taken control sooner.
DESTRO
Your vain denseness destroyed our tactical advantage!
BARONESS
I had everything under control until you imbeciles got pretentious!
COBRA COMMANDER
You pea-brained carbon copies of identical dumbells! You're responible!
EXT. SUBWAY CAR
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Your fault! (X) His fault!
(T) Your fault! (X) His fault!
(T) Your fault! (X) His fault!
EXT. ENTERPRISE CITY
FLINT
Well, Lady Jaye, looks like we won.
LADY JAYE
Right, but now what do we do for thrills and chills?
FLINT
How about dinner at the Joe commissary?
LADY JAYE
What's so dangerous about that?
FLINT
The food!