G.I.Joe

Canadian JoeCon Comic

2010-01-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

The Dead Eye

G.I. Joe Yearbook

2010-01-23T18:19:00.000-08:00

Triple Play
Hush Job
My Dinner with Serpentor
Trade-Offs
Bystander

Marvel Action Force Series

2010-01-23T15:14:00.000-08:00

A Bomb In Wardour Street!
Holding the Baby!
Moroccan Roll!
Rigged! Part One-Two
The Man in the Silver Mask
Cold Comfort Part One -Four
Meditations in Red
Dummy Run
Doppelganger! Part One -Four
Gas Masque!
Gunpoint!
Skystrike! Part One -Three
Runaway Train
Sunday Drivers Part One -Two
Violent Lives! Part One -Two
Consequences
Truth
Coma
Law of the Jungle Part One -Two
Rage!
Silent Night
Destro: Down and Out! Part One -Three
Venetian Blind Part One -Four

Action Force Annual

2010-01-23T14:48:00.001-08:00

Night Fighting
Havoc in the Outback
Rogue Delta
Action of the Tiger!
Piece of the Action!
Thunder in the Mountains
Hai! Finance!

Action Force

2010-01-16T21:46:00.000-08:00

ACTION FORCE

IRONBLOOD'S REVENGE!

JUNGLE AMBUSH

DESERT VICTORY

PERIL AT DRAGON ROCKS

SPACE BATTLE

OPERATION BLOODHOUND

DESERT STRIKE

CODENAME SHARK

CODENAME SKY RAIDER

ATTACK!

TANK HUNT

THE BLACK MAJOR

SEA FURY

OPERATION SPEARHEAD

CODENAME QUICKFIRE

MICRO-COMIC

JUNGLE TERROR

DEATH CASTLE

CODENAME TRACKER

OPERATION SEALION

CODENAME BEAVER

RED JACKAL

OPERATION IRONBLOOD

AMBUSH!

CROSSFIRE!

OPERATION CLAYMORE

CODENAME KRAKEN

MENACE OF THE BARON

ASSAULT ON ATOLL Z

CODENAME MOONDANCER

HAWK'S CHALLENGE

CODENAME STAKEOUT

WORLD ENEMY NO. 1

TOP-SERGEANT DUKE

OPERATION SNAKEBITE

THE BARONESS

DEATH OF THE HAWK

THE TERROR OF COBRA

GUNG-HO

REVENGE OF THE RED SHADOWS

THE GREAT COBRA ROBBERY

RIVER OF SERPENTS

OPERATION STUBBORN

THE HACIENDA HIT

DEATH IN SOUTH AMERICA

ARCTIC TERROR

COBRA GOLD

DEATH BEAM

SNAKE HUNT

STORM SHADOW

CODENAME THE SCRAPYARD

VENOM OF COBRA

TARGET TORPEDO

JUNGLE OF DOOM

SNOW JOB

OPERATION SHIELD

MAJOR BLUDD

SHOWDOWN FOR THE SHADOWS!

LONDON IN PERIL

LASER TROOPER

THE NEW BOY!

DEATH TO THE LEGION!

THE BIG BATTLE

OPERATION AUSTRALIA

THE ULTIMATE CRIME

THE CURSE

COBRA VICTORY

THE HORNET'S NEST

DUKE'S REVENGE

SCHOOL FOR SNAKES

MANHATTAN TRANSFER

THE RAID

PROJECT HIGHBALL

MAXIMUM KILL!

DOOM PLAGUE!

THE FANGS OF COBRA

STORM SHADOW (78)

OPERATION LIBERTY

ASSASSIN!

THE PEACE ROCKET

OPERATION DEEP COVER

SEA WARS!

BATTLE FOR THE SKIES!

DEATH IN THE EVERGLADES

CRISIS IN SPACE!

BATTLEGROUND

GROUND ZERO

COMBAT FILES ( 19 summeries of stories not told )

BATTLEFILES ( 18 summeries of stories not told ) (90)

Online games

2010-01-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

GIJOE - Special Missions - Game ( some time after The Rise of Cobra )

Dragonhawk Drop ( Sigma 6 )

Venom Pit
Vipers Reef
Shadow Ascent
Operation Skyburst
Jade Dagger
Snowblind
Valley of the Flame
Search for Venomous Maximous
Mantis Attack
Tank Named Grizzly
Foxhole 13
Coils of Cobra

Prequel Novelization

2010-01-16T20:28:00.000-08:00

GI Joe Above & Beyond

Sgt. Savage and the Screaming Eagles

2010-01-16T20:27:00.000-08:00

"Old Heroes Never Die"

Sgt. Savage and the Screaming Eagles Comics

2010-01-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

Sgt. Savage vs. Gen. Blitz part 1-2

online Comic ninja prequels 2009

2010-01-16T14:53:00.000-08:00

Silent Cover
Silent Intrusion

GI Joe Cobra Special 2009

2010-01-16T14:47:00.000-08:00

Cobra Special

Kung Fu Grip

2010-01-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

Heavy Metal
A Ghost Story

Scholastic Young Readers (2002 - 2004)

2010-01-15T21:59:00.000-08:00

G.I. Joe: Anti-Venom
G.I. Joe: Cold Hard Cash
G.I. Joe: Ice Force
G.I. Joe: It's a Free Country
G.I. Joe: No Man's Land
G.I. Joe: Sea To Shining Sea
G.I. Joe: Shooting Stars

Find Your Fate Books (1985 - 1987)

2010-01-15T21:35:00.002-08:00

Operation: Star Raider
Operation: Dragon Fire
Operation: Terror Trap
Operation: Robot Assassin
The Everglades Swamp Terror
Operation: Death Stone
Operation: Deadly Decoy
Operation: Death-Ray
Operation: Mindbender
Operation: Night Flight
Operation: Weapons Disaster
Operation: Jungle Doom
Operation: Snow Job
Operation: Poison Dart
Operation: Sink or Swim
Operation: Killer Comet
Operation: Tiger Strike
Serpentor and the Mummy Warrior

UK Ladybird Books - Action Force (1988)

2010-01-15T21:35:00.001-08:00

Flint's Holiday
Tomb of the Gods
Action Force Go West
Spy in Cobra Camp
Return of the Dinosaurs
Roof of the World

G.I.Joe Young Adult Books (1988)

2010-01-15T21:28:00.000-08:00

Siege of Serpentor
Divide and Conquer
Fool's Gold
Invisibility Island
Jungle Raid
The Sultan's Secret

G.I.Joe Storybooks

2010-01-15T21:23:00.002-08:00

The Spy Eye (1983)
Operation: Disappearance! (1984)
Operation Outer Space (1984)
Operation Sandstorm (1984)
Operation Raging River (1987)
Operation Star Fight (1987)
Tower of Power (1990)

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

2010-01-15T21:23:00.001-08:00

G.I. Joe Resolute

2010-01-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

11 episodes

G.I. Joe Sigma 6

2010-01-15T21:17:00.001-08:00

"COBRA Strike "
"Escape"
"Capture"
"Reveal"
"Sigma"
"Race"
"Jungle"
"Vacation"
"Polar"
"Honor"
"Space"
"Operation: Zeus Part 1"
"Operation: Zeus Part 2 "
"Hidden"
"Invasion"
"Search"
"Showdown"
"Challenge"
"Trap"
Revelations"
"Duel"
"Awards"
"Balance"
"Giant"
"Ice"
"Assault"

G.I.Joe Movies

2010-01-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

Spy Troops
Valor Vs. Venom
Ninja Battles

GI Joe Extreme

2010-01-15T21:07:00.000-08:00

"Summoning of Heroes"
"Serious Leg Work"
"Point of Honor"
"Chips and a Cold, Cold Drink"
"To Catch a Klaw"
"Relics"
"Dawn's Oily Light"
"Crawling from the Wreckage"
"Extend a Helping Klaw"
"Now Hear This"
"Winner Take All"
"Coup of the Klaw"
"Rebellion"
"Skar Under Siege"
"Operation Underground"
"A Traitor Among Us"
"Iron Klaw Unmasked"
"The Search for Clancy"
"Sabotage in the Skies"
"The Silencers"
"Rampage for President"
"The Hard Road Home"
"Wreckage: Revenge!"
"Fear at Fifty Fathoms"
"Metalhead Goes AWOL"
"Betrayal"

G.I.Joe (DIC)

2010-01-15T21:02:00.000-08:00

G.I.Joe: Operation Dragonfire
"Day 1"
"Day 2"
"Day 3"
"Day 4"
"Day 5"

"Stuck On You"
"BIOK"
"Victory at Volcania, Part 1"
"Victory at Volcania, Part 2"
"General Confusion"
"The Mind Mangler"
"Cold Shoulder"
"Messenger from the Deep"
"D-Day at Alcatraz, Part 1"
"D-Day at Alcatraz, Part 2"
"Revenge of the Pharaohs"
"Granny Dearest"
"Chunnel"
"Basic Training"
"An Officer and a Viperman"
"United We Stand"
"Infested Island"
"Injustice and the Cobra Way"
"The Legend of Metal Hand"
"The Nozone Conspiracy"
"The Greatest Evil, Part 1"
"The Greatest Evil, Part 2"
"A is for Android"
"Night of the Creepers"
"The Sludge Factor, Part 1"
"The Sludge Factor, Part 2"
"That's Entertainment"
"I Found your Evy"
"Pigskin Commandos"
"Keyboard Warriors"
"El Dorado, The Lost City of Gold"
"Shadow of a Doubt"
"Long Live Rock & Roll, Part 1"
"Long Live Rock & Roll, Part 2"
"The Sword"
"The Eliminator"
"Cobra World"
"Kingergarten Commandos"
"Metal-Head's Reunion"

G.I.Joe (Sunbow)

2010-01-15T20:44:00.000-08:00

G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero aka The M.A.S.S. Device
"The Cobra Strikes"
"Slave of the Cobra Master"
"The Worms of Death"
"Duel in the Devil's Cauldron"
"A Stake in the Serpent's Heart"
G.I.Joe: The Revenge of Cobra
"In the Cobra's Pit"
"The Vines of Evil"
"The Palace of Doom"
"Battle on the Roof of the World"
"Amusement Park of Terror"
G.I.Joe: The Pyramid of Darkness
"The Further Adventures of G.I. Joe"
"Rendezvous in the City of the Dead"
"Three Cubes to Darkness"
"Chaos in the Sea of Lost Souls"
"Knotting Cobra's Coils"

"Countdown for Zartan"
"Red Rocket's Glare"
"Satellite Down"
"Cobra Stops the World"
"Jungle Trap"
"Cobra's Creatures"
"The Funhouse"
"Twenty Questions"
"The Greenhouse Effect"
"Haul Down the Heavens"
"Synthoid Conspiracy, Part 1"
"Synthoid Conspiracy, Part 2"
"The Phantom Brigade"
"Lights! Camera! Cobra!"
"Cobra's Candidate"
"Money to Burn"
"Operation Mind Menace"
"Battle for the Train of Gold"
"Cobra Soundwaves"
"Where the Reptiles Roam"
"The Gamesmaster"
"Lasers in the Night"
"The Germ"
"The Viper is Coming"
"Spell of the Siren"
"Cobra Quake"
"Captives of Cobra, Part 1"
"Captives of Cobra, Part 2"
"Bazooka Saw a Sea Serpent"
"Excalibur"
"Worlds Without End, Part 1"
"Worlds Without End, Part 2"
"Eau de Cobra"
"Cobra Claws Are Coming to Town"
"An Eye for an Eye"
"The Gods Below"
"Primordial Plot"
"Flint's Vacation"
"Hearts and Cannons"
"Memories of Mara"
"The Traitor, Part 1"
"The Traitor, Part 2"
"Pit of Vipers"
"The Wrong Stuff"
"The Invaders"
"Cold Slither"
"The Great Alaskan Land Rush"
"Skeletons in the Closet"
"There's No Place Like Springfield, 1"
"There's No Place Like Springfield, 2"
Arise Serpentor Arise
"Day 1"
"Day 2"
"Day 3"
"Day 4"
"Day 5"

"Last Hour to Doomsday"
"Computer Complications"
"Sink the Montana"
"Let's Play Soldier"
"Once Upon a Joe"
"The Million Dollar Medic"
"Cobrathon"
"The Rotten Egg"
"Glamour Girls"
"Iceberg Goes South"
"The Spy Who Rooked Me"
"Grey Hairs and Growing Pains"
"My Brother's Keeper"
"My Favorite Things"
"Raise the Flagg!"
"Ninja Holiday"
"G.I. Joe and the Golden Fleece"
"The Most Dangerous Thing in the World"
"Nightmare Assault"
"Second Hand Emotions"
"Joe's Night Out"
"Not a Ghost of a Chance"
"Sins of Our Fathers"
"In the Presence of Mine Enemies"
"Into Your Tent I Will Silently Creep"
G.I.Joe: The Movie

G.I.Joe Read Alongs (1984 - 1986)

2010-01-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

The Captive City - Cassette
Castle of the Doomed - Cassette
Challenge of the Clones - Record
The Deadly Satellite - Cassette
Destro's Doomsday Auction

GI Joe Extreme 1995

2010-01-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

The Hour of the Iron Claw
From the Ashes Part 1-4
Pawn of the Iron Claw
The Gang's All Here
The Ultimate Price

1996
Red Scream Hunted
Shake Hands with Satan
Island Assault
All this and World War II
The Last Wild Heart: Part 1 (The Fourth Man)

GI Joe The Rise of Cobra Prequel 2009

2010-01-15T20:20:00.000-08:00

Duke
Destro
Baroness
Snake Eyes

GI Joe Snake Eyes 2009

2010-01-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

You Can't Go Home Again

A Fire Inside

Childish Things

A Fire in the Night

GI Joe Special: Helix 2009

2010-01-15T20:09:00.000-08:00

Helix

Hasbro's Mini Comics

2010-01-15T19:43:00.000-08:00

1985
Starduster Mini-Comic 1-3

1992
Desert Dustup
HijackedHeroes
Jungle Fury
MountainTrouble

2002&2004
Bombs Bursting in Air
Snake-Eyes vs Storm Shadow - Ninja Showdown
Chief Torpedo vs Burn Out - SPYTROOPS
Roadblock Gets Heavy
Tanks for Nothing
Face 2 Face
Dawn of the V-Troops
Dawn of the V-Troops Part2
The Secret Base
Cold Front

Hasbro 25th Anniversary Original Stories 2008

2010-01-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

During Marvel series

A Day in the Life of Springfield(32.5)
A Bad Day at the Circus(63.5)
Destro vs. Iron Grenadier: Move and Countermove (86.5)

Originals

Storm Shadow vs. Firefly: Backstabbed
Shipwreck vs. Copperhead: Security Shield
Duke vs. Red Star: The Oblivion Express
Cobra Commander vs. Tripwire: Explosive Thoughts
The Tiger and the Teapot
The Dark Beneath the Silence
Showdown Under the Sun

Hasbro - Amazon & Walmart Exclusives 2009

2010-01-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

Splash-Bang!
Who Owns the Night?

G.I. Joe: Sigma 6 2005 to 2006

2010-01-15T19:26:00.000-08:00

G.I.Joe: Sigma 6 1-6

G.I. Joe: Reloaded 2004

2010-01-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

G.I.Joe: Cobra Reborn
G.I.Joe: G.I.Joe Reborn
G.I. Joe Reloaded 1-14

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers IV Black Horizon 2007

2010-01-15T19:10:00.000-08:00

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers IV Black Horizon 1-2

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers III The Art of War 2006

2010-01-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers III The Art of War 1-5

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers II 2004

2010-01-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers II 1-4

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers 2003

2010-01-15T19:00:00.000-08:00

G.I. Joe vs. Transformers 1-6

Dreadnoks: Declassified 2006 & 2007

2010-01-15T18:58:00.000-08:00

Dreadnoks Declassified 1-3

Scarlett: Declassified 2006

2010-01-15T18:57:00.000-08:00

Scarlett: Declassified

G.I. Joe: Declassified 2006

2010-01-15T18:55:00.000-08:00

G.I. Joe: Declassified 1-3

Snake Eyes: Declassified 2005

2010-01-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

Snake Eyes: Declassified 1-6

Storm Shadow 2007

2010-01-15T18:49:00.000-08:00

Storm Shadow 1- 7

G.I.Joe: Special Missions 2006 & 2007

2010-01-15T18:44:00.000-08:00

Special Missions: Manhattan
Brother's Keeper
P.E.T.S.
Special Missions: Tokyo
Juliet
Special Missions: Antarctica
Tactical Benefit
Special Missions: Brazil
Prelude to a Kiss
Special Missions: The Enemy
The Grading Curve (A Prologue to World War III)

G.I. Joe: America's Elite 2005-2008

2010-01-15T17:28:00.000-08:00

A New Begining (0)
A Legend Reborn (1)
Peeling the Onion
Gangster Bang
The Reckoning
Damage Report
The Past Comes Back
The Hunt for True Love
The Past Comes Back... Part Two
Fourth and Twenty
Depth Charges
Crimson, Not Red Enough
Risen
Reunited
Back in Black
Back in Black(13)
The Rising
What Lies Beneath
Take Down
Take Down(17)
After the Fall
Emperor's New Clothes Part 1 -2
Sins of the Mother Part 1 -4
World War III Part 1 of 12 -- Havoc
World War III Part 2 of 12 -- Without a Hope, Without a Soul
World War III Part 3 of 12 -- Into the Wild
World War III Part 4 of 12 -- Manufacturing Consent
World War III Part 5 of 12 -- Overthrow
World War III Part 6 of 12 -- Cleansing Fire
World War III Part 7 of 12 -- Tribulation
World War III Part 8 of 12 -- War Without End
World War III Part 9 of 12 -- Metamorphosis
World War III Part 10 of 12 -- Enemies in Need
World War III Part 11 of 12 -- Scorched Earth
World War III Part 12 of 12 -- Hell
G.I.Joe: The Hunt for Cobra Commander

G.I. Joe: Master & Apprentice 2 2005

2010-01-15T17:27:00.000-08:00

G.I. Joe: Master & Apprentice 2 1-4

G.I. Joe: Master & Apprentice 2004

2010-01-15T17:25:00.000-08:00

G.I. Joe: Master & Apprentice 1-4

Frontline 2002-2003

2010-01-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

The Mission That Never Was 1 of 4, "One if By Land"
The Mission That Never Was 2 of 4, "Two if By Sea"
The Mission That Never Was 3 of 4, "Assault on the Silent Castle"
The Mission That Never Was 4 of 4, "Endgame"
Icebound, Chapter One: A Day in the Life
Icebound, Chapter Two: Early Thaw
Icebound, Chapter Three: Cold Comfort
Icebound, Chapter Four: Run for Daylight
Family History 1-2
History Repeating 1-4
Going Home
Security
Training Day
Recipe for Destruction

Fire Safety

2010-01-15T17:13:00.000-08:00

Arashikage Showdown 2005, an original stand alone story

2010-01-15T17:10:00.000-08:00

GI Joe the Real American Hero Volume 2 2001-2005

2010-01-15T16:50:00.000-08:00

Reinstated 1 -4
Out for Bludd
Reckonings 1 - 4
Malfunction 1 -4
Homecoming 1 - 2
The Family
The Cabal 1-3
Closure 1-2
The Last Stand 1-4
Scott Sturgis is a Reasonable Man...
Paradigm Shift
Players and Pawns 1-5
The Road Less Travelled
Bad Moon Rising 1-2
Union of the Snake 1-6
Dawn of the Red Shadows 1-2

G.I. Joe in 3-D 1987 & 1989

2010-01-15T16:45:00.000-08:00

of Birds and Men
The Final Frontier
The Quiet War
Wish You Were Here
Respects
My Words but a Whisper, Your Deafness, a Shout!
Things that go SPLASH in the Night!

Transformers: Generation 2 1993

2010-01-15T16:41:00.000-08:00

War Without End!
All or Nothing
Ghosts
Tales of Earth Part Three

European Missions 1988 & 1989

2010-01-15T16:25:00.000-08:00

Double Bluff
Double Cross
Ancient Relics Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6
Death or Glory
Old Scores
The Cold Zone
The Devil & the Deep Blue Sea
Betrayal
Gunships
As Thick as Thieves
Killer Instinct
Smooth Operators
Mark of the Assassin!
Gun Boat Part 1, Part 2
Nuclear Winter
Diamond Lies
Cut and Run!
Blood Brothers
Bats Out of Hell
War Correspondence
Run to Ground
Wild, Wildlife
Coils of the Serpent
Super Trooper
Snow Chase!
The Prisoner!
Terror Tower!
War beneath the Waves
Fast Feud
Nights in Armour
The Mission!

G.I. Joe and the Transformers 1987

2010-01-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

Blood on the Tracks
Power Struggle
Ring of Fire
All Fall Down

Special Missions from 1986 to 1989

2010-01-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

That Sinking Feeling
Words of Honor
Burn-Out
No Holds Barred
Showdown
Evasion
The Old Switcheroo
Ambush
Plausible Denial
Turnabout
Sheep's Clothing
Airshow
Washout
In From the Cold
...and Into the Fire
Tight Circle
All In a Night's Work!
Extraction
Getting There
Snow Blind
The Lower Depths
Decisions
Number 23(no title)
Ladies' Day
Forced Play
Forced Play(Number 26)
Mexican Holiday
Condor

G.I.Joe Marvel Series 1982 until 1994

2010-01-15T15:46:00.000-08:00

Operation: Lady Doomsday
Hot Potato
Panic at the North Pole
The Trojan Gambit
Operation: Wingfield!
"Tanks" for the Memories
To Fail is to Conquer... To Succeed is to Die
Walls of Death!
Code Name: Sea-Strike!
The Diplomat
A Nice Little Town Like Ours
The Pipeline Ploy!
Three Strikes for Snake-Eyes
Last Plane From Rio Lindo
Destro Attacks
Red-Eye to Miami!
Night Attack!
Loose Ends
Destro Returns!
Joe Triumphs!
Home Is Where the War Is
Silent Interlude
Like Chimney Sweepers Come To Dust...
Cobra Commander Captured At Last
The Commander Escapes
Zartan!
Snake-Eyes: The Origin
Snake-Eyes: The Origin Part II
Swampfire!
Beached Whale
Darkness
All Fall Down!
The Mountain!
Celebration!
Shake Down!
Dreadnoks on the Loose!
All the Ships at Sea!
Twin Brothers
Judgments
Walk Through the Jungle
Hydrofoil
Strategic Diplomacy
Ties That Bind
Crossroads
Improvisation on a Theme
In Search of Candy
Who's Who On Cobra Island
Sea Duel
Slaughter
Serpentor
The Battle of Springfield
GI Joe Special Missions: Best Defense:Thunder Machine
Snap Decisions
Pit-Fall
Launch Base
Unmaskings
Jungle Moves
Strange Bedfellows
Desperate Moves
Divergent Paths
Cross Purposes
Beginnings and Endings
Transit
Going Under
Maneuvering for Position
Shuttle Complex
The Tenth Letter
Cold Snap
Cut and Freeze Dried
Into the Breach
Fair Trade
Bailout
Stiletto
Divided We Fall
Alliance of Convenience
Holding Actions!
All's Fair
Aftershocks
Payback!
Dreadnocks Rule!
Rolling Thunder
Plots and Tracts
Weeding Out
Road Pig
Converging Destinies
SFX
...Not Fade Away
Assult on Castle Destro
Python Patrol
Mean Dog
Recurring Themes
No Simple Solutions
Thunderclap
Taking the Plunge
Exterminating Circumstances (or Bern This)
No Turning Back
The Hexagram Completed
What Goes Around, Comes Around
He's Back!
Calm Before the Storm
Seeds of Empire
The New Guard
What Did He Say?
Amazing the Welkin
Hero of the People
Hidden Aces
I Lift My Lamp
Enter the Night Creepers
Apparent Conclusions
Death in the Desert
Escalator to Armageddon
Probe and Feint
Who's the Hero?
Previous Agreement
Metal-Head
Counting Coup
Destro Must Die
Escape from Castle Destro
Deceptions and Diversions
Double Trouble
Return to the Silent Castle
Slice and Dice and Everything Nice
Transformer
Shots in the Dark
Triptych
Diptych
Firefly
Playing with the Big Boys
Winds of Change
Standoff
Point and Counterpoint
Last Stand
Bump in the Night
Recon by Fire
Throwdown in the Citadel
Ninjas Own the Night
Reversals and Betrayals
The Traitor Strikes
Unfoldings
Realignments
Goin' South
Sucker Punch
Final Transformations
Dark Island
Snake-Eyes: The Tale Untold
Threads and Resolutions
Immovable Objects
Oblivion Express
Irresistible Forces
Heroes and Medals and Things
Slam-Dance in the Cyber-Castle
Cobra Renewed
...Just Fade Away
Shadow of the B.A.T.
Flying the Unfriendly Skies
A Letter from Snake-Eyes

THE TRAITOR, PART II

2008-12-23T16:54:00.001-08:00

INT. TWENTY QUESTIONS PROGRAM - STUDIO
ANNOUNCER
Now, the show that dares to ask...Twenty Questions.
HECTOR RAMIREZ [Neil Ross]
Good evening. Tonight's big story: Is one of America's elite G. I. Joe team a traitor?
FLASHBACKS FROM PREVIOUS EPISODE
RAMIREZ (V.O.)
Our story began with a battle between Joe and Cobra forces in Texas City, in which the Joes' new secret armor treatment was revealed for the first time.
RAMIREZ (V.O.)
Enter Specialist-Four Ronald W. "Dusty" Rudat, seemingly an exemplary G. I. Joe trooper. Idealistic, sincere, trustworthy. What made this young man betray his country and lead his friends into an ambush--an ambush that left G. I. Joe leader Conrad "Duke" Hauser in a deep coma?
RAMIREZ (V.O.)
His mother's mounting medical bills may account for Rudat selling out his country.
EXT. RUDAT RESIDENCE
JOURNALIST #1
What does Rudat's mother think of this?
JOURNALIST #2
Is her condition terminal?
MRS. VASQUEZ
Vamoose, you filthy...!
FLASHBACKS FROM PREVIOUS EPISODE
RAMIREZ (V.O.)
But the big question remains: what has Rudat told Cobra, and when will they use it against the Joes and all Americans? This is Hector Ramirez reporting for Twenty Questions.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - SUNRISE
COBRA COMMANDER
Welcome to Cobra Temple, Specialist Rudat.
DUSTY
It's just Dusty, plain old Dusty.
COBRA COMMANDER
There could be a place for us in Cobra, if you have something to offer us...such as the Joes' secret armor treatment?
DUSTY
Ah, I guess I got nowhere else to go. Okay, count me in.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent, excellent. Let's chat.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - SUNRISE
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
LADY JAYE
One code changed, six thousand four hundred and thirty-seven to go.
SHIPWRECK
All 'cause o' that stinkin' traitor, Dusty! I oughta break his neck!
LADY JAYE
Shipwreck, his mother is sick. Don't judge somebody until you've....
SHIPWRECK
If you say "walk a mile in his moccasins," I swear I'll gag!
LADY JAYE
Well, personally, I'd hate to be in Dusty's boots right now.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE -
COBRA COMMANDER
We're applying your armor treatment formula. Since you gave us the secret, you can command the work detail, Dusty.
LT. CLAYMORE
Commander, no! This is my unit! If he wants it, let him face me in the arena.
COBRA COMMANDER
Why, a splendid idea! Let's see just how ruthless you can be.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF DEATH
COBRA COMMANDER
Welcome, Dusty, to my Arena of Death. We use this chamber to settle minor personal disputes. Lieutenant Claymore has selected rocket nunchakus for this combat, a cute little toy one of our weapons engineers thought up. The rules are simple, gentlemen. Stay alive. Oh, and just to make it more interesting....
COBRA COMMANDER
I'm flooding the arena with man-eating pirhana.
DUSTY
Get off!
COBRA COMMANDER
Your G. I. Joe recruit seems to be outclassed.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) The show's not over (X) till the fat lady sings.
DUSTY
Hungry little devils, aren't they?
DUSTY
Where's my weapon? Oh, great!
LT. CLAYMORE
Help! They're eating me alive!
COBRA COMMANDER
Why did you save him? Do I detect a vestige of mercy?
DUSTY
We can always use extra help on KP.
COBRA COMMANDER
I think I like you, Dusty. You're my type of trooper, the type who can lead our attack against Leary Chemicals.
EXT. RIVERSIDE - LEARY CHEMICALS
SHIPWRECK
Aw, this is crazy! We're strung all over the map, tryin' to protect fifty different targets!
FLINT
Save it, Shipwreck. We don't need your complaints.
SHIPWRECK
Oh, I don't mean nothin' buy it. Ask Duke. He'll... I guess you can't ask Duke.
FLINT
No, I can't. He's still in a coma because of that traitor. And Cobra could put half the country in a similar state if we let 'em get the chemicals they need for that mind control gas.
DUSTY
That's it. Nice and easy. Don't be a hero.
DUSTY
Standard Joe operatin' procedure would be to hide near a potential target, maybe in those trees. We're nearing the chemical plant. Stand by for action.
DUSTY
Cut the cables!
FLINT
Water Moccasins!
SHIPWRECK
The scurvy swine, they blocked us in!
CHEMICAL WORKER
Hey, what's goin' on!
DUSTY
Snap to. Get the stuff in the red drums!
FLINT
Come on, come on! More power!
SHIPWRECK
Move, you floatin' junkheap, move!
COBRA #1 [Chris Latta]
Sir, we have prisoners. You want 'em eliminated?
DUSTY
Nah, save your ammunition for the Joes.
COBRA #2
Sir, the Joes! They've broken free!
DUSTY
Okay, that's it! Get aboard!
DUSTY
Move it!
FLINT
You know the drill! Flank 'em and cut 'em off!
SHIPWRECK
Gotcha!
SHIPWRECK
Of all the low-down, slimy, crustacean....
SHIPWRECK (COMM.)
Flint, watch out! They know our attack formation! They set booby traps for us!
FLINT
Don't let them get away! Fire your rockets!
SHIPWRECK (COMM.)
Did you get 'em, Flint?
FLINT
No! Obviously they're protected by the armor treatment formula Dusty gave 'em!
FLINT
There may be no stopping them now.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LAB
COBRA COMMANDER
Ready...aim...fire!
COBRA COMMANDER
Cease fire!
DUSTY
Stings a little. Need more chest paddin', but no serious damage.
COBRA COMMANDER
The armor treatment makes even our uniforms impenetrable! Nothing will stop us now! Nothing!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You don't seem to be (T) cheering, Lieutenant Claymore.
EXT. OWLSLEY CHEMICALS - NIGHT
FLINT (O.C.)
Owlsley Chemical. They manufacture the last ingredient Cobra needs for their mind control gas.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
COBRA COMMANDER
We are approaching our target. Man the CLAWs! Prepare to attack!
DUSTY
What about me? I can anticipate the Joes' next....
COBRA COMMANDER
You will stay here. I will lead the assault.
DUSTY
Don't you trust me anymore?
COBRA COMMANDER
As Stalin said, "Trust no one, not even yourself."
EXT. OWLSLEY CHEMICALS - NIGHT
FLINT
Not a sound. Nothing moving, except that cloud. Hmm. And there's not even a breeze. It's Cobra! Guns up! Cover that cloud!
COBRA COMMANDER
Cobra!
COBRAS
Cobra!
COBRA COMMANDER
Attack!
SHIPWRECK
What the...we hit 'em, but they keep comin'!
COBRA COMMANDER
Victory is ours!
LADY JAYE
Flint, the armor treatment has to have some weakness, doesn't it?
FLINT
Somthing. Duke or Doc said something, but I can't remember what. Intense heat...fire! Blowtorch!
BLOWTORCH
Can do, Flint!
FLINT
Launch incendiaries!
COBRA COMMANDER
What are you doing? Advance! Advance!
COBRA COMMANDER
Retreat! Retreat!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
DUSTY
Looks like Cobra got its fangs burnt.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Careful, Rudat. That kind of talk (X) might be misconstrued (T and X) as traitorous.
EXT. OWLSLEY CHEMICALS - NIGHT
SHIPWRECK
It's Dusty! Get him! You won't get away, you barnacle-suckin' traitor!
SHIPWRECK
Hold still, you snake scum!
FLINT
Kick it, Lady Jaye! They're movin'!
COBRA COMMANDER
Dusty, we have the chemical!
DUSTY
And in a second, I'll have the Joes! Demolitions unit, on my signal...now!
SHIPWRECK
What the...
FLINT
Look out!
SHIPWRECK
What the bloody blue blazes is this?
DUSTY
It's called a trap, Shipwreck.
FLINT
Nice try, Dusty, but we can climb out!
DUSTY
That's right, you could...if you had someplace safe to climb to.
SHIPWRECK
You think we'll give up, you miserable, low-down....
FLINT
Enough. This time they've got us.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - OFFICE
COBRA COMMANDER
We have the armor treatment, the mind control gas, and we've dealt our enemies a crushing blow! Cobra has prospered since you joined us, Dusty.
DUSTY
It's a pleasure servin' under your command, sir.
COBRA COMMANDER
I'm glad, Dusty. There will be a high position for you in the new Cobra order.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) May we suggest, Commander (T) that you test the mind control gas (T and X) on the Joes.
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes. My gas will make them a zombie strike force, marching mindlessly to their deaths for Cobra.
DUSTY
No!
COBRA COMMANDER
Something wrong, Dusty?
DUSTY
No, nothin'.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - HALLWAY
LT. CLAYMORE
Claymore to Crimson Guard Commaneers. I think this is what you've been waiting for. Rudat's entering the gas laboratory.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - GAS LABORATORY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Hold it right there, Rudat!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Oh...my...(X) head!
DUSTY
But I didn't hit you.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - DINING ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
What is the meaning of this?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) We found your golden boy (T) tampering with the mind control gas.
COBRA COMMANDER
Fool! I ordered him to prepare the gas!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Without (X) supervision?
COBRA COMMANDER
He's a convicted traitor. He has nowhere to go. Why should he work against Cobra? A final test will prove your loyalty once and for all. You will personally gas the Joes.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF DEATH
COBRA COMMANDER
Warriors of Cobra, from this day forward, the world belongs to us!
COBRAS
Cobra! Cobra! Cobra!
COBRA COMMANDER
And now, the last act, the final curtain...send in the clowns!
COBRA COMMANDER
Say farewell to your free will, Joes. As of now, your minds belong to Cobra! Seal the arena.
COBRA COMMANDER
Close off the temple vents.
COBRA COMMANDER
Open the arena vents!
COBRA COMMANDER
And now, Dusty, the gas!
COBRA COMMANDER
You, you traitor!
COBRA COMMANDER
You were a triple agent all along!
DUSTY
You guessed it, chrome dome!
DUSTY
There's weapons in the ready room!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) It's not over. (T) Not quite. (X) Have a nice (T) death, Dusty.
LADY JAYE
Sorry to interrupt, but he's one of us.
DUSTY
You bet! Let's go!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - HALLWAYS
SHIPWRECK
Strike one! Strike two! Strike three! You're out!
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop them! Destroy them!
FLINT
I think he means it!
SHIPWRECK
Where's Cobra Commander?
FLINT
Heading this way!
DUSTY
Follow me! I know how we can get outta here!
FLINT
Wait. I don't know.
DUSTY
Aw, Flint, you gotta trust me! Look, can you afford not to?
LADY JAYE
He's got a point, Flint.
COBRA COMMANDER
Slay them all, especially Rudat!
DUSTY
Hurry!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - GAS LABORATORY
SHIPWRECK
This door oughta hold 'em!
FLINT
Would you mind tellin' me what we're doin', Dusty?
DUSTY
All part of Duke's plan.
LADY JAYE
Duke's what?
DUSTY
These chemicals can make mind control gas, or they can make a formula that neutralizes our armor treatment.
DUSTY
Everybody, stand back!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - HALLWAYS
COBRA COMMANDER
What's this?
DUSTY
Duke knew the armor treatment was unstable. It reacts with certain chemicals and corrodes whatever it's protectin'.
LADY JAYE
Gotcha!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - HANGAR
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop! Don't leave without me!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Call our office! (T) We'll do lunch! Ciao!
COBRA COMMANDER
No, wait! I command it!
SHIPWRECK
There he is!
FLINT
Nowhere to run, Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Claymore! It's good to know who your friends are!
EXT. G. I. JOE HOSPITAL - DAY
DUKE (V.O.)
I hereby reinstate Specialist Dusty Rudat to full rank and privileges in the G. I. Joe force. Welcome back, Dusty.
INT. G. I. JOE HOSPITAL - DUKE'S ROOM
GLADYS RUDAT
Now that my Dusty's a Joe again, will somebody explain what happened?
DUKE
Easy enough, Mrs. Rudat.
FLASHBACKS
DUKE (V.O.)
Chemists told us our new armor treatment was unstable. Sooner or later, Cobra would've figured that out. When Cobra agents approached Dusty, he came to me. We cooked up the whole traitor routine, 'cause we wanted Cobra to get the armor treatment. But a Cobra bomb put me in a coma, and I was the only one who knew Dusty's defection was never for real.
INT. G. I. JOE HOSPITAL - DUKE'S ROOM
MRS. RUDAT
You poor, poor boy.
DUSTY
Oh, Mom.

THE TRAITOR, PART I

2008-12-23T16:52:00.000-08:00

EXT. TEXAS CITY - CHEMICAL PLANT
SAILOR
They're gonna ram us!
COBRA
Cobra!
COBRA COMMANDER
Xamot, Tomax, maintain the perimeter!
SAILOR
That's Dylkon 98! Deadly poison!
TOMAX
Very deadly! Almost as deadly as me!
TOMAX
It's those bloody Joes!
XAMOT
Caught you off guard, didn't they, brother?
COBRA COMMANDER
G. I. Joe!
COBRA
Attack!
DUKE
Looks like we're gonna see if the new armor can take it!
DUSTY
If it doesn't, I'm gonna sue.
GUNG-HO
Direct hit!
COBRA COMMANDER
My Rattlers will destroy their puny tanks!
DUKE
Let's return the compliment, Dusty!
COBRA COMMANDER
What? It's still coming!
COBRA COMMANDER
You'll never catch a Cobra!
DUKE
Don't let any of them get away!
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER
Impossible! How could their tanks be impervious to our weapons? How?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Perhaps they developed (T) some secret new armor (X) that deflects our laser fire.
COBRA COMMANDER
Then we must learn that secret at any and all costs!
EXT. CHEMICAL PLANT - DOCKS
DUKE
Well, it's all over but the paperwork.
DUSTY
I was hopin' you'd say that. I've got some leave time comin', Duke. My mother's been awful sick lately, so....
DUKE
Why didn't you tell me that, kid? Go home and take care of her. That's an order. Take as much time as you need.
DUSTY
Thank you, Duke.
EXT. RUDAT RESIDENCE - DAY
INT. RUDAT RESIDENCE
DUSTY
Mom, I'm home.
GLADYS RUDAT
Dusty? Come on in. Dusty! Oh, Dusty, it's so good to see you.
DUSTY
How are you, Mom?
MRS. RUDAT
Oh, my asthma's actin' up again, but don't worry 'bout me. How are you?
MRS. VASQUEZ
She makes me keep a scrapbook of all your adventures.
DUSTY
Oh, hi, Mrs.Vasquez.
MRS. VASQUEZ
My, you are some hero!
DUSTY
No, just part of a team. The Joes all work together. Who's that?
MRS. RUDAT
Oh, probably that no account....
MRS. VASQUEZ
Gladys, please!
MRS. RUDAT
Let the rattlesnake in!
DUSTY
Mr. Smiler!
MR. SMILER
I heard you were back in town, Dusty. We have to discuss the delinquent payments on....
MRS. RUDAT
Smiler, don't you bother my son! He's got enough on his mind!
MR. SMILER
He co-signed a loan agreement. You've fallen....
DUSTY
Mom needs her medicine and therapy. Give her time to get back on her feet and...
MRS. RUDAT
I'm on my feet already! Smiler, if you don't...if...if you...don't....
DUSTY
Mom!
MRS. VASQUEZ
She's had an attack! Get her into the bedroom!
DUSTY
Will she be okay?
MRS. VASQUEZ
Yes, but she must rest to get her strength back.
MR. SMILER
As I was saying....
DUSTY
Give me one reason I shouldn't clean your clock!
MR. SMILER
Please, no, I'm trying to help you! Two businessmen came to my office, admirers of G. I. Joe! They said they want to help you out!
MR. SMILER
They'll be at the Stumble Inn tonight.
EXT. STUMBLE INN - NIGHT
INT. STUMBLE INN
WAITRESS
Can I get you anything?
DUSTY
No, thanks. I'm waitin' for someone.
WAITRESS
Well, handsome, let me know if she don't show up!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Hello, (T) G. I. Joe.
DUSTY
Hey, I know you. You're with Extensive Enterprises.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) No, we are (X) Extensive Enterprises.
DUSTY
Look, I don't talk to creeps who do business with Cobra. Take your....
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Don't you think your mother (T) has enough medical bills? (X) Why burden her (T) with funeral expenses as well? (X) Yours?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) But we're not looking for trouble. (T) We wish to offer you a little proposition. (X) We'll pay all your mother's medical bills in return for information (T) concerning the Joes' new armor system. This card has a phone number on it. (X) Call us if you're interested.
DUSTY
I may be hard up, but I'm no traitor!
POOL PLAYER
Why, you ruined my shot, city slicker!
COWBOY
Yeehaw! A fight!
CUSTOMER
All right!
WAITRESS
Boys? Boys, stop it!
WAITRESS
I said stop it!
XAMOT
We'd best be going!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) We look forward (X) to hearing from you, Dusty! (T) Think it over, amigo!
INT. RUDAT RESIDENCE - BEDROOM
MRS. VASQUEZ
Oh, madre! What happened to you?
DUSTY
Ah, forget it. How's mom?
MRS. VASQUEZ
Resting. But Dusty, she needs more medicine, special therapy!
DUSTY
I'll find the money...somehow.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - BRIEFING ROOM
DUKE
After the raid on Texas City, we ran a computer analysis of recent Cobra attacks.
FLINT
And the results are none too good.
DUKE
Cobra was trying to steal Dylkon 98.
FLINT
It's a key ingredient in a mind control gas. Based on that information, the computer has projected a likely target for Cobra's next attack.
DUKE
Only we're gonna head 'em off before they get their hands on the chemicals they need.
FLINT
Remember, this information is top secret.
DUSTY
It must not fall into Cobra's hands.
SHIPWRECK
Shucks, and we were plannin' to waltz right over and tell 'em, weren't we, Dusty?
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Hello?
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
DUSTY
I...I wanna make a deal.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) You've obtained the formula (X) for the Joes' secret armor treatment?
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
DUSTY
No, but...I know where the Joes plan to ambush Cobra.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
DUSTY (PHONE)
That should be worth somethin'.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Run it by us, Dusty, and (T) we'll speed a check on its way (X) to your dear old mum...
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
TOMAX AND XAMOT (PHONE)
...if the information is accurate.
DUSTY
Yes. It will be.
EXT. CHEMICAL PLANT - NIGHT
SHIPWRECK
I bet they ain't even gonna show up. Right, Dusty? Dusty?
DUSTY
Huh? Oh, yeah, anything you say, Shipwreck.
DUKE
Cargo planes! Cobra paratroopers!
DUKE
But this is crazy! Nobody in his right mind would drop paratroopers into trees! Yo Joe!
SHIPWRECK
You gotta give the Cobras credit! They don't flinch! Yo Joe!
DUSTY
Shipwreck, no!
SHIPWRECK
What?
LADY JAYE
They're dummies!
DUKE
Wrong. We're the dummies. Suckered by dolls firing lasers!
DUKE
We were decoyed away from the plant! Don't let 'em get away!
COBRA COMMANDER
The Dylkon 98 is ours! Take off! Too late, fools!
SHIPWRECK
Aw, blast it!
DUKE
We planned this operation too well. Cobra couldn't have known what we were up to...not unless they had an inside source.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - ARMORY
SHIPWRECK
I'll murderize the bum! When I find that lousy traitor, I'll keel-haul him at twenty thousand fathoms! No, wait! I'll dip him in honey and stake him on anthill!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - ARMORY
SHIPWRECK
Hey, what would you do to that kind of a dirty traitor? Dusty? Hey, Dusty!
DUSTY
Huh? Oh, sorry, Shipwreck. I wasn't listenin'.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DUKE'S OFFICE
FLINT
You wanted to see me?
DUKE
Shut the door, Flint. We're gonna lay a trap for a traitor, Dusty Rudat.
FLINT
Duke! You can't be serious!
DUKE
Dead serious. Information from a source I can't reveal says Dusty is our traitor. But we can't bring charges without proof.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - WAR ROOM
DUKE (V.O.)
I want you to hall Dusty to the war room. We'll let him overhear certain plans--plans to attack a Cobra base on an abandoned oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico.
DUKE (V.O.)
We'll see if he takes the bait. And Flint, this is just between you and me, 'til we know for sure.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
MRS. VASQUEZ (PHONE)
Hello?
DUSTY
Mrs. Vasquez, it's me, Dusty. How's mom doing?
INT. RUDAT RESIDENCE - BEDROOM
MRS. VASQUEZ
Better, Dusty. She's sleeping now. That check was a big help, but more bills keep coming in.
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
DUSTY
I'll see what I can do.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Talk to me.
DUSTY (PHONE)
It's me, Dusty.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) We didn't expect (X) to hear from you again (T) so soon.
TOMAX
There's someone who's very eager to talk with you.
UNKNOWN LOCATION - OFFICE
COBRA COMMANDER
Hello, Dusty. Guess who?
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
DUSTY
Cobra Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER (PHONE)
Smart, very smart. The warning about the ambush was most helpful, but now I insist you provide the secret of the new Joe armor.
DUSTY
Uh, not yet. But I'll tell you their next move if...if my mother gets another check.
UNKNOWN LOCATION - OFFICE
COBRA COMMANDER
No! Give me the secret formula, or the Joes will know you betrayed them!
EXT. PHONE BOOTH - NIGHT
COBRA COMMANDER (PHONE)
Wouldn't your mother be proud to see her son on trial as a traitor?
DUSTY
No! I mean, all right. I'll do it.
COBRA COMMANDER (PHONE)
Excellent, and perhaps we can arrange to pay for the other information as well.
EXT. GULF OF MEXICO - OIL RIG
FLINT
I can't believe Dusty would tell Cobra anything.
DUKE
That's why we left him behind. If he did warn Cobra, he's too dangerous to bring along.
DEEP SIX
Deep Six callin' in. Target in view. It looks abandoned.
DUKE
Cobra slithered free again!
DEEP SIX
I'll check underneath! Yo Joe, or words to that effect.
DEEP SIX
No Cobra subs. They're gone.
DUKE
Nothing here. Better check below.
INT. OIL RIG
DUKE
This proves Cobra was here.
SHIPWRECK
What's this? Hey, they even got a medical plan!
DUKE
If it won't take time out of your busy schedule, check below!
SHIPWRECK
Uh, aye-aye, Duke.
SHIPWRECK AND DEEP SIX
Freeze!
SHIPWRECK
Uh, sorry.
DEEP SIX
Yeah, yeah.
SHIPWRECK
Hey, it's not my fault Cobra vacated the premises.
DEEP SIX
Unless you're the traitor.
SHIPWRECK
Is that supposed to be funny?
DEEP SIX
Why? Was it?
SHIPWRECK
Yeah. A regular riot.
SHIPWRECK
Uh-oh.
DEEP SIX
Explosives!
SHIPWRECK
We're standin' inside a time bomb!
SHIPWRECK
Run! She's gonna blow!
DEEP SIX
Cobra planted explosives!
DUKE
Quick! Everybody out!
EXT. GULF OF MEXICO - OIL RIG
DUKE
Move it! Move it! Move it!
INT. OIL RIG
EXT. GULF OF MEXICO - OIL RIG
SHIPWRECK
Duke!
EXT. GULF OF MEXICO - BATTLE PLATFORM
FLINT
Where's Duke? And Shipwreck and Deep Six?
GUNG-HO
Duke got hit. Shipwreck and Deep Six went after him.
GUNG-HO
Gone, all of it.
JOES
All right! Yeah!, etc.
FLINT
Duke! Is he...
SHIPWRECK
Breathin'? Yeah, barely.
DUKE
Dusty...Cobra...gave 'em the secrets....
SHIPWRECK
Well I'll be flogged! Dusty's the traitor!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - RECORD ROOM
SHIPWRECK
Interested in our secret armor formula, Dusty?
DUSTY
Shipwreck, wait!
SHIPWRECK
Wait for what, Benedict Arnold Rudat!
DUSTY
I don't wanna hurt you, Shipwreck.
SHIPWRECK
Funny. You didn't mind nearly killin' Duke and puttin' him in a coma! He might never wake up!
DUSTY
No!
SHIPWRECK
That's it, you bilge rat! Fight! Let me really enjoy this!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
FLINT
Shipwreck, what happened?
SHIPWRECK
Dusty got our secret armor formula!
LADY JAYE
I see him, Flint. He's making a break for it in a Mauler.
INT. COURTROOM
FLINT
All right, Dusty. You've been silent throughout these proceedings. If you're going to speak up, you'd better do it now.
DUSTY
I...I have nothin' to say.
FLINT
Then you leave us no choice. By giving aid to Cobra, you've endangered the lives of your fellow Joes and jeopardized the security of the United States. This court-martial finds you guilty of treason. Dusty Rudat, you are hereby sentenced to life at hard labor at Fort Wadsworth Military Prison.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - THRONE ROOM
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Interesting news, Cobra Commander. (T) They've sentenced Dusty Rudat to prison for life.
COBRA COMMANDER
Good. Let the buffoon suffer. No, wait! Dusty may yet be of use to Cobra. Yes, let's help the poor fellow!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - GUARDHOUSE
LADY JAYE
I still can't believe that Dusty would betray us.
DEEP SIX
Well, maybe there's a reason you can't.
LADY JAYE
Out with it, Deep Six. What are you driving at?
DEEP SIX
It's all a little too pat, you know? A real traitor wouldn't be so easy to catch.
COBRA
Liberate the prisoner!
COBRA
Come on!
LADY JAYE
They're helping Dusty escape!
FLINT
Blast! If Dusty's joined Cobra, none of our secrets are safe.
TO BE CONTINUED...

BAZOOKA SAW A SEA SERPENT

2008-12-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

EXT. ISLAND - SUNSET
CUTTER
That's Pine Tree Cove up ahead. We'll put in there until I fix the engine.
BAZOOKA
Got somethin'...big!
ALPINE
Yeah, on which end of the line, pinhead?
BAZOOKA
No, honest! Help me!
BAZOOKA
Line broke.
ALPINE
Your line probably wore out while you were struggling with these.
CUTTER
Okay, cut the small talk and prepare to make camp. Bazooka, clean those fish for dinner. Alpine, you rustle up some firewood.
ALPINE
Firewood? You could cook those guppies over a match.
EXT. ISLAND - DUSK
CUTTER
Bazooka, old chum, that really hit the spot.
BAZOOKA
Thanks, Cutter.
ALPINE
I don't trust fish. Too many bones.
CUTTER
Yeah, it's obvious you didn't like 'em.
Alpine belches loudly.
ALPINE
Don't consider that a compliment. We're not in Turkey.
CUTTER
I'm gonna get at that engine.
BAZOOKA
Alpine, fireflies!
BAZOOKA
What? Hey!
BAZOOKA
Hey, Alpine, lookit!
ALPINE
What is it, man?
BAZOOKA
There! There! A Cobra Trubble Bubble, eaten by a sea serpent!
ALPINE
Eaten? By a sea serpent? Gimme a break, bubble gum brain.
CUTTER
It's okay, Bazooka. You're tired. Your imagination ran away with you.
BAZOOKA
I saw it, really!
EXT. PINE TREE COVE BASE - ROOF
INT. PINE TREE COVE BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Professor Braxton was foolish to try to escape.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) We remain (X) unimpressed.
COBRA COMMANDER
You will see. Braxton was a mere appetizer for the monster I'm about to unleash upon the world!
EXT. OCEAN - SEA SERPENT
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
BAZOOKA
Bet it was the sea serpent broke my line.
ALPINE
Stow the fish tale, will you?
CUTTER
There's somethin' out there! Ahoy there!
JIMMY [Mary McDonald-Lewis]
Hang on, Mom! They see us!
EXT. OCEAN - DAY
CUTTER
You'll be okay. We've got a doctor about the Flagg.
JIMMY
The Flagg? G. I. Joe's aircraft carrier?
BAZOOKA
Yup.
JIMMY
Wow.
EXT. OCEAN - USS FLAGG
INT. USS FLAGG
CUTTER
I have to take off. Don't let anyone mess with the WHALE 'til I get back.
ALPINE
Who'd want to?
BAZOOKA
Duke wants to talk.
JIMMY
To me? Sure.
INT. USS FLAGG - CONTROL ROOM
DUKE
You and your folks had some experience last night, Jimmy.
JIMMY
Yes, sir.
DUKE
Can you tell us everything you remember?
JIMMY
Well, we were all asleep in our bunks when my dog Bucky started barking.
EXT. OCEAN - BOAT
JIMMY (V.O.)
We burst out on deck, and we saw something glowing under the water. Then, this huge, long shadow passed under the boat. And then, it bit us!
JIMMY (V.O.)
It ate the engine and the generator, and we didn't even see what it was.
INT. USS FLAGG - CONTROL ROOM
JIMMY
I...I guess it got Bucky, too.
BAZOOKA
Aw, tough.
DUKE
All right. Thanks, Jimmy. You're the best eyewitness we've had so far.
ALPINE
You mean there are others?
DUKE
Something attacked five other ships tonight. Nobody's seen what it is.
ALPINE
Heck, Bazooka knows. Go one. Tell him about the sea serpent.
JIMMY
Sea serpent?
DUKE
Can the comedy, Alpine. Bazooka, put Jimmy to bed and get back here.
JIMMY
Did you really see a sea serpent?
BAZOOKA
Uh-huh.
DUKE
Lady Jaye, you and Quick Kick grab a SkyStriker. See if you can spot the attacker from the air.
LADY JAYE
Right, Duke.
EXT. YACHT CLUB - DAY
BRITISH SOPHISTICATE
They can't be serious, holding the sea lanes for ransom, then meeting us out here in the open!
FRENCH SOPHISTICATE
These waterskiers, they are most unusual, no?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) All of you lost ships in the night. (T) If you don't want to lose the rest of your ships, (X) you will pay (T) every month (X) into these numbered Swiss bank accounts. (T) Remember, pay promptly (T and X) the first of every month.
EXT. MONDO TANGO - DAY
DUKE (COMM.)
Lady Jaye, come in. Over.
LADY JAYE
Lady Jaye here. What have you got, Duke.
DUKE (COMM.)
You ought to be approaching Mondo Tango about now.
LADY JAYE
It's just out the window, practically waving to us.
DUKE (COMM.)
Shipwreck's stumbled onto something. He's on the south beach. Can you land there?
LADY JAYE
The question is, could we resist?
EXT. MONDO TANGO - BEACH
SHIPWRECK
I shoulda known you two would show up at naptime. Have a cold one.
QUICK KICK
Gone native, Shipwreck?
SHIPWRECK
Witch doctor's orders. Restin' and relaxation. A few hours ago, a fisherman got the wits scared out of him. Saw something on the other side of the island.
EXT. MONDO TANGO - COAST
SHIPWRECK
We're almost there.
LADY JAYE
Feelin' like a swim?
EXT. COBRA YACHT - DAY
INT. COBRA YACHT
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) The merchant shipping companies have (X) agreed to your demands.
COBRA COMMANDER
It's working. I was certain it would.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
We remain skeptical.
COBRA COMMANDER
Naturally, because you foolishly failed to invest in my serpent!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) You lost control (X) and went over budget.
COBRA COMMANDER
I am in complete control! I....
TOMAX AND XAMOT
He's in complete control.
COBRA COMMANDER
No! You fools! What have you done?
EXT. COBRA YACHT - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER (O.C.)
Stop! Stop, I command you!
INT. SEA SERPENT - THROAT
LADY JAYE
Whoa!
LADY JAYE
Quick Kick, get out here!
PROF. BRAXTON
Jump now! Jump for your life!
PROF. BRAXTON
Hello. I'm Professor Braxton.
LADY JAYE
Lady Jaye.
PROF. BRAXTON
Delighted! Please hurry, we haven't much time.
LADY JAYE
No. I've got a buddy on that boat.
PROF. BRAXTON
Dear lady, you mustn't worry. He'll be all right. In fact, all of them will be just fine.
INT. SEA SERPENT - HOLDING AREA
COMPUTER
You have been identified as human. Will you work?
COBRA #1 [Michael Bell]
I got a choice?
COMPUTER
Negative.
COBRA #1
Guess I'll work.
COMPUTER
Will you work?
COBRA COMMANDER
Say no. I want to see what happens.
COBRA #2
No.
COMPUTER
Will you work?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes!
COMPUTER
Will you work?
QUICK KICK
Work?! You bet your life, doll.
INT. SEA SERPENT - TUNNEL
PROF. BRAXTON
We're almost there.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
PROF. BRAXTON
We're safe. I've made this room immune to rejection by her biomechanical system.
LADY JAYE
Bucky, I presume. Jimmy will be glad to know you're okay.
PROF. BRAXTON
He'll rue the day he forced me to design to turn my engineering masterpiece into a nightmare monster. Uh-oh.
LADY JAYE
What's that?
PROF. BRAXTON
An enforcer element. They're getting to be everywhere.
PROF. BRAXTON
The sorting room. Those are sailors from the ships she's devoured.
LADY JAYE
Don't they ever sleep?
PROF. BRAXTON
They get a break every two hours around the clock.
LADY JAYE
Wait! That's my friend. Show me what's happening to him.
PROF. BRAXTON
Sure.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SORTING ROOM
COMPUTER
You are not on coffee break. Work, work, work!
CAPTIVE
Make a little pile, mes ami. You must never be stopping ze work. Only, only during....
COMPUTER
Coffee break.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
PROF. BRAXTON
Your foul greed has enslaved you at last!
LADY JAYE
Cobra Commander working? Oh, that is an amusing thought.
LADY JAYE
What's that?
PROF. BRAXTON
She's locked onto another target! She's totally out of control!
EXT. OCEAN - CRUISE SHIP
REPORTER (HOWARD)
This just in. A monster is terrorizing the sea lanes. We switch you now to our on-the-spot reporter, Mike Ferguson.
MIKE FERGUSON (COMM.) [Neil Ross?]
As you can sea, Howard, it's a terrible sight.
TRAVELER
It's live, on the news!
MIKE
We're moving in now for a closer....
MIKE
It's...it's eyeing us. Hungrily, Howard! This could be my last live report!
MIKE (O.C.)
Wait! G. I. Joe has arrived on the scene! It looks like we owe Gung-Ho, Wild Bill, and Airborne our lives!
WILD BILL
This here's a showdown, you scaly varmint!
WILD BILL
Yeehoo!
DEEP SIX
Deep Six to USS Flagg, I'm going after the serpent!
INT. PINE TREE COVE BASE
MIKE (COMM.)
Back to you, Howard!
HOWARD
And there you have it. Horror on the high seas. Even G. I. Joe can't stop this monster.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Cobra Commander has been (X) swallowed by his own stupidity.
BARONESS
So? What are we to do about it?
DESTRO
Nothing. Let the Joes wear themselves out.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Our sentiments precisely. (T) Let the Joes suffer the loss in (X) equipment, men, and money, (T) and when they stop the serpent, (X) we move in. (T and X) Agreed?
DESTRO AND BARONESS
Agreed.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SORTING ROOM
CAPTIVE
Look there. A professor has spoken to me through this. He says, "Be cool."
QUICK KICK
What does he mean by that?
COMPUTER
Coffee break.
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Quick Kick?
QUICK KICK
Lady Jaye?
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
LADY JAYE
Professor Braxton is trying to sabotage the hunger drive mechanism so the serpent will stop eating.
PROF. BRAXTON
Drat! Not now!
PROF. BRAXTON
Oh, no! The filament destroyed the override circuit. Now she'll never stop eating!
INT. SEA SERPENT - SORTING ROOM
PROF. BRAXTON (CONT., COMM.)
She'll digest her prey through the biomechanical self-repair unit, adding its bulk to her own!
QUICK KICK
Get to the point already.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
PROF. BRAXTON
The more she eats, the more she'll grow!
EXT. OCEAN - SEA SERPENT
DEEP SIX (O.C.)
Deep Six to USS Flagg, something's happening inside the serpent.
DEEP SIX
It got bigger, Duke! Hit me hard! And now it's gone!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIEFING ROOM
DUKE
If the thing's growing, it's gotta have food. I think I know where it's going. New York Harbor. And we're gonna get there first.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
DUKE
Checkpoint bridge, report.
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
WILD BILL
Smooth as glass on your side, Duke. The world's movin' into place.
BAZOOKA
Emergency! Get to shore!
BREAKER
Troops in place on the pier, Duke!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
DUKE
Great! Where's the Mauler?
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - STREETS
THUNDER
Aw, I'm stuck in traffic!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
DUKE
Here, stay tuned to the traffic reports! I'm goin' scoutin' for that thing in case it shows up before rush hour's over!
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
WILD BILL
There's the critter, right under me, movin' like lightnin'!
DUKE
Okay, pal, let's ram something hot down your throat!
DUKE
That missile didn't even crack a tooth! You guys'll have to do better!
DUKE
Where the blazes is that blasted Mauler?
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
LADY JAYE
Professor, you must do something! Millions are in jeopardy!
PROF. BRAXTON
I'm going to create an energy bleed. There will be a terrible internal disruption.
LADY JAYE
Hang on to your dog tags, Bucky.
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
BAZOOKA
Alpine! It's sinking!
ALPINE
Wrong! It's lookin' for a snack! It's heading for the docks.
BAZOOKA
We gonna stop it?
ALPINE
No, dum-dum! We're gonna ask it to dance! Yes, we're gonna try and stop it!
ALPINE
Grab your popgun and get ready!
ALPINE
I'll hang a left over its noggin'! Just pretend you're shootin' fish in a barrel!
ALPINE
Hey, dum-dum, beans for brains, where...where are you?
BAZOOKA
It's a boat, not a hot dog! Yo, serpent!
INT. PINE TREE COVE BASE
DESTRO
Now?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Now.
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
ALPINE
Where've you been, turkey?
BAZOOKA
Fishin'.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SAFEROOM
LADY JAYE
Oh.
LADY JAYE
Can you walk, Professor?
PROF. BRAXTON
I don't think so. My leg...
LADY JAYE
No problem. The passage looks clear. How do we get to the red room?
PROF. BRAXTON
Just...keep walking.
INT. SEA SERPENT - SORTING ROOM
COMPUTER (repeatedly)
Coffee break.
COBRA COMMANDER
We are doomed, and these fools sleep! This is insane!
COBRA COMMANDER
Uh, you first.
EXT. OCEAN - SEA SERPENT
INT. SEA SERPENT - HALLWAY
LADY JAYE
What's in there, Professor?
PROF. BRAXTON
The ejection chamber. It's the only way out.
INT. SEA SERPENT - EJECTION CHAMBER
COBRA COMMANDER
Come in, Professor.
COBRA COMMANDER
Show me the way out.
PROF. BRAXTON
It's your serpent. You stole it. You figure it out!
COMPUTER
Will you work? Will you work? Will you work? Will you work? Will you....
COBRA COMMANDER
No!
PROF. BRAXTON
You reptilian twit!
LADY JAYE
Help! Quick Kick!
QUICK KICK (singing)
I'm the Barber of Seville!
COBRA COMMANDER
No! No!
EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - DAY
JIMMY
Somebody's in there, alive!
JIMMY
It's, it's Bucky!
DUKE
Lady Jaye! Quick Kick! Are we glad you're safe! Who's your friend?
PROF. BRAXTON
The serpent's inventor, I'm afraid. And you're the brave fellow who destroyed her. Thank you, young man!
BAZOOKA
Was nothin', sir.
ALPINE
Let me get a shot of the prize catch! Say cheese, dips!
JOES
Yo Joe!

CAPTIVES OF COBRA, PART II

2008-12-23T16:50:00.001-08:00

EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
What is it? Scarlett, what's wrong?
SCARLETT
It's our families! Cobra sent out our own families against us!
DUKE
Can you get us past them?
SCARLETT
I think so. In spite of what Cobra has done to them, they certainly won't hurt us.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
That's what you think, dearie.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Indeed. The Joes are in for (T) a bit of a surprise.
BARONESS (COMM.)
Captives, raise your weapons. Fire! Destroy the G. I. Joes! Let nothing stand in your way!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
SCARLETT
Father, stop. Shawn, Brian, Frank, put down your weapons.
SHIPWRECK
Jesse, it's Uncle Hector. Put your gun down, son!
THUNDER
Mom, Dad, Sis, let me take you home.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Baroness, (T) the captives (T and X) are resisting.
BARONESS
Yes, but not for long. Dr. Marks, increase the power.
DR. MARKS
No, it could destroy their minds.
BARONESS
Do not argue with me, Doctor. Do it now.
DR. MARKS
Very well.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
BARONESS (COMM.)
Your weapons! Use them now!
QUICK KICK
Look out!
DUKE
Gung-Ho, take over the rear controls!
GUNG-HO
Gotcha!
DUKE
Take Route B!
LADY JAYE
But that's a dirt road! Any bad bump could set off the crystals!
DUKE
We've got to try it. We need to buy Scarlett and the others some time to stop their families.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Captives, after them!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
SPIRIT
The captives are trying to resist Cobra's commands, but a greater power controls their minds. To save them, we must find its source.
DUKE
Right, but first we've gotta get 'em off our tail.
SCARLETT
We...we understand, Duke.
DUKE
Good luck to both of us.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROUTE B
LADY JAYE
Hey, Gung-Ho, easy with those crystals!
GUNG-HO
You tell that to the bumps in the road.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROUTE A
SCARLETT
Scarlett to Wild Bill.
WILD BILL
I read you, Red!
SCARLETT
We're going to try knockout gas. But stand by. We may need you.
WILD BILL
Ready when you are, darlin'.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Faster! Catch up to them!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROUTE A
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROCKY AREA
GUNG-HO
More rocks dead ahead!
DUKE
Easy does it, Gung-Ho.
LADY JAYE
Another jolt like that could be our last.
TRIPWIRE
Lady Jaye sure has a flair for the obvious.
DUKE
I can hear those crystals vibrating.
GUNG-HO
Fasten your seatbelts. It looks like I'm gonna have to blast our way through.
TRIPWIRE
No! It could set off the crystals!
GUNG-HO
Aw, you're right. But if we can't go through it, it's over we go.
DUKE
Uh-oh. The crystals' vibration is increasing!
TRIPWIRE
Hey, let's keep this thing on the road. I left my wings at home.
GUNG-HO
I'll do my best, but no guarantees.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROUTE A
SCARLETT
Wait until they're all in sight.
SCARLETT
Hit it!
QUICK KICK
It didn't work!
BARBECUE
Those suits are gas proof!
SCARLETT
I was afraid of that. Lead them this way!
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Forget the Joes, you fools! Go after the truck!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROCKY AREA
TRIPWIRE
It's almost in the red zone. Needle, don't move another inch!
GUNG-HO
That a baby! That's it, that's it.
DUKE
Gung-Ho, can you get us across?
GUNG-HO
Well, if I don't, you can kiss that ten bucks I owe you good-bye.
DUKE
Keep the ten bucks, pal. You just earned them.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROUTE B
WILD BILL
They're in my sights.
WILD BILL
Got 'em!
THUNDER
Sorry, dad.
SHIPWRECK
Don't hurt 'em!
SCARLETT
Hurry. Get the net ready for the pick-up.
SHIPWRECK
Be careful, Wild Bill!
WILD BILL
Not to worry, good buddy. I'll just rock 'em to sleep like babies in a cradle.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Don't congratulate yourselves too soon, Joes. Activate the battle suits.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Yes, Baroness.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROUTE B
BARBECUE
Quick!
SPIRIT
What's wrong?
QUICK KICK
Look!
WILD BILL
Some kinda energy destroyin' the net!
SHIPWRECK
Jesse!
SCARLETT
No!
SPIRIT
They are unharmed.
SCARLETT
The suits protected them.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Dr. Marks, the captives aren't moving. What's wrong with them?
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - LABDR. MARKS
I warned you! The increased power of the transmission stops all creative thought! You will have to think for them.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Signal our agents to pick up the captives.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
As you wish, Baroness.
EXT. DOCK - DAY
EXT. MOUNTAINS - SHORE
SHIPWRECK
Come on, let's get down there and haul 'em out!
SPIRIT
Don't! Stop!
SHIPWRECK
Get outta my way, Spirit!
SPIRIT
No! You must free their minds before you can free their bodies.
THUNDER
It's a Cobra Moray!
SCARLETT
Wild Bill, keep an eye on them and report their location to Duke.
WILD BILL
Will do, Scarlett.
SCARLETT
Cobra's probably controlling their minds from a nearby base. We've gotta find that base and destroy it. And if anyone can track it down, Spirit, it's you.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - ROUTE B
DUKE
Duke to Dusty.
EXT. MOJAVE DESERT - DAY
DUSTY
Dusty here.
DUKE (COMM.)
You and Footloose meet me at the rendezvous point, on the double.
DUSTY
We're rollin'.
EXT. WOODS - DAY
SPIRIT
This way.
SCARLETT
Cobra could have the entire mountain filled with hidden bases, so keep alert.
DUKE (COMM.)
Duke to Scarlett.
SCARLETT
Yes, Duke.
DUKE (COMM.)
According to Wild Bill, you've got less than five minutes to find the Cobra base before the captives get to us.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) We have visual contact (X) with the Joe vehicle.
BARONESS
Excellent.
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
BARONESS (COMM.)
Faster, captives! Cut them of!
GUNG-HO
Uh-oh. Do you see what I see.
TRIPWIRE
Yeah. And they're marchin' right at us.
GUNG-HO
Duke, I'm gonna hang a left and put some distance between them and us.
DUSTY
No can do, good buddy! There's a town in that direction. If the crystals explode, everyone could be blown to bits!
GUNG-HO
Aw, great! Now what?
EXT. WOODS - COBRA HIDEOUT
SPIRIT
It's here.
BARBECUE
Look, an antenna!
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - LAB
DR. MARKS
Baroness, G. I. Joe is here! They've found me!
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
You have soldiers. Use them!
EXT. WOODS - COBRA HIDEOUT
SCARLETT
Ambush! Take cover!
DUKE (COMM.)
Scarlett, we have thirty seconds to contact.
SCARLETT
Roger, Duke.
INT. COBRA HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Faster, captives, faster! Faster!
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
DUKE
Dusty, run interference for us.
DUSTY
You got it, Duke. Operation Dust Cloud comin' up!
FOOTLOOSE
Hey, man, it's not stoppin' 'em!
BARONESS (COMM.)
Captives, shoot out their tires!
FOOTLOOSE
How come those civilians can shoot better than you can drive?
DUSTY
Funny, very funny, Footloose!
EXT. WOODS - COBRA HIDEOUT
DUKE (COMM.)
Scarlett, our situation is desperate. The crystals are going to explode.
SCARLETT
Hang on, Duke! We're at the base! We're goin' in!
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
BARONESS (COMM.)
Concentrate your fire! Break open the ATV!
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - LAB
SCARLETT
This must be it.
QUICK KICK
Look what I caught. A little snake.
SCARLETT
Is this the machine controlling our families?
DR. MARKS
Uh, yes.
SCARLETT
Then turn it off.
DR. MARKS
I can't. Any attempt to tamper with the machine will destroy their minds!
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
TRIPWIRE
Duke, those laser blasts are gonna blow those crystals sky high!
BARONESS (COMM.)
Jesse Delgado, drop your weapon and pick up a rock.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - LAB
SCARLETT
Duke, what's happening?
QUICK KICK
Hey, our snake is slithering away!
QUICK KICK
He's gone.
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
BARONESS (COMM.)
Jesse, run to the crystals.
DUKE
It's the boy. I've got to stop him!
BARONESS (COMM.)
Don't move, Duke! Surrender the crystals to Cobra, or suffer the consequences!
BARONESS (COMM.)
Surrender the crystals now, or I'll order the boy to destroy all of you!
DUKE
You won't get the crystals then!
INT. HELICARRIER
BARONESS
It's worth losing the crystals to destroy you.
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
BARONESS (COMM.)
Make up your mind!
LADY JAYE
Scarlett, the Baroness has given us an ultimatum.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - LAB
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Unless you can free the boy from her commands, we're all gonna be blown sky high.
THUNDER
But that snake said if we mess with the machine, we destroy their minds.
BARBECUE
Ah, he was bluffin'.
QUICK KICK
But if he wasn't?
SHIPWRECK
There's no time to argue.
SCARLETT
Fire!
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
BARONESS (COMM.)
Your time is up! Prepare to die!
DUKE
Jesse, no! All right, Baroness, you wi... Huh?
LADY JAYE
Our guys destroyed the machine.
INT. HELICARRIER
BARONESS
No, it can't be! Smash the crystals!
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
DUKE
Jesse....
BARONESS (COMM.)
Smash the crystals! Smash them!
DUKE
Don't listen, Jesse!
BARONESS (COMM.)
Smash them, you little brat!
JESSE
I am not a brat!
DUKE
You most certainly aren't. Come on down from there. Let's get these things off.
DUKE
When I get my hands on you, Baroness....
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - LAB
SCARLETT
Lady Jaye, Duke, can anybody here me?
DUKE (COMM.)
Duke here. Everything is A-okay.
INT. HELICARRIER
BARONESS
They think that's the end of it? Send out the Rattlers! I'll have those crystals yet.
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
PATRICK
Feels good to slip out of those snakeskins.
DUKE
We'll have you airlifted out as soon as....
GUNG-HO
Cobra Rattlers, twelve o'clock!
DUKE
Get these people under cover!
DUSTY
There isn't any cover!
DUKE
Then spread them out! Get them away from here!
DUSTY
Okay, Duke.
PATRICK
Me and my boys are stayin'.
GRANDFATHER
We will fight!
COBRA
Cobra!
EXT. WOODS - COBRA HIDEOUT
SCARLETT
Hey, taxi!
WILD BILL
Where to, ma'am?
SCARLETT
The desert, and don't spare the horses!
WILD BILL
Check!
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Joes, we're under attack. Need air support. Hurry!
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS POINT
LADY JAYE
I repeat, we're under attack! Uh-oh.
MR. BRECKINRIDGE
Get behind these rocks!
MR. KELLY
Come on, Footloose. Let's get outta here!
INT. HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Prepare the grappler.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Yes, Baroness.
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS
SCARLETT
Ready missile one.
JESSE
I...I wanna help!
VENA
Jesse, come back!
SCARLETT
Missile two!
TRIPWIRE
Wow, look at that monster!
LADY JAYE
We can't stop that thing.
DUKE
We've got to.
INT. HELICARRIER
BARONESS
Engage the grapplers, and be careful.
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS
DUKE
Look! Get as far from it as you can!
SCARLETT
Wild Bill, there's a Rattler on our tail!
GRANDFATHER
Here, take the boy!
VENA
But, grandfather!
GRANDFATHER
Go! Do as I say!
DUKE
Move it!
INT. HELICARRIER
TOMAX AND XAMOT
The crystals are going to explode.
BARONESS
Cut us loose and get us out of here!
EXT. DESERT RENDEZVOUS
BARBECUE
Dad!
QUICK KICK
See anything?
SHIPWRECK
There's Jesse!
SCARLETT
I see them. They're safe.
GUNG-HO
Where's Duke?
LADY JAYE
He was right behind us.
TRIPWIRE
Over there!
DUKE
Is...is everyone okay?
LADY JAYE
We all made it, Duke.
TRIPWIRE
And it's back to square one for Cobra.
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - EVENING
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
COL. SHARP
Citizens, you have our deepest apologies for this incident. We've taken strict measures to make sure this can never happen again.
LADY JAYE
Hey, guys, I hate to spoil the party, but that stolen file contained data on seven Joes. Look.
COMPUTER
Code name: Gung-Ho. Real name: Etienne R. LaFitte. Surviving relatives: one hundred and thirty-seven members of LaFitte clan. Current place of residence: Fer-de-Lance, Louisiana.
GUNG-HO
You don't think the Baroness would mess with my family, do you?
DUKE
Revenge is just her style. Let's go.
EXT. FER-DE-LANCE - WOODS
COBRA
Baroness, we've been walking for hours.
BARONESS
Quiet, you fools! I've found them. Forward.
BARONESS
Now. In the name of Cobra, I make you my prisoners!
BARONESS
Seize them!
LAFITTE CLAN MEMBER #1
But of course, ma'am'selle.
BARONESS
Where are my men?
LAFITTE CLAN MEMBER #2
You mean them?
LAFITTE CLAN MEMBER #2
Have some gumbo, lady.
LAFITTE CLAN MEMBER #1
Ma'am'selle, don't step on little Shoo-Shoo!
GUNG-HO
Thank goodness they're safe.
SCARLETT
I'd say they're more than safe, Gung-Ho.
GUNG-HO
Maybe so, but where's the Baroness?
LAFITTE CLAN MEMBER #1
She say she ran off. I think she do not like gumbo.
MRS. LAFITTE
Etienne, we've expecting you for days! Where have you been?
DUKE
Well, I don't think Cobra will mess with this family again.

CAPTIVES OF COBRA, PART I

2008-12-23T16:49:00.000-08:00

EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
INT. CABIN
COBRA SCIENTIST #1
You're late. I need that chemical.
HOODLUM [Frank Welker]
I didn't want to look suspicious.
COBRA SCIENTIST #1
Keep a close eye on those readings.
COBRA SCIENTIST #1
What's wrong?
COBRA SCIENTIST #2
I don't know. The reaction's out of control.
COBRA SCIENTIST #1
It's going to explode! Everybody out!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
WILD BILL
Y'all ready for your vacation, Gung-Ho?
GUNG-HO
I'm comin'! I'm comin'!
DUKE
Hold it! You'll have to visit your family later! We've got an emergency!
GUNG-HO
Aw, but my mom is makin' gumbo!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
GUNG-HO
Cobra's gonna pay for this.
DUKE
Sorry, Gung-Ho, but this looks like a bad one.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
DUKE
Play it back, Lady Jaye.
DUKE
This explosion took place two hours ago. They're evacuating the town as quickly as possible.
GUNG-HO
Holy cow.
DUKE
But this is why they called us in. Looks like it was a secret Cobra facility.
GUNG-HO
Right here in the U. S. of A. A lot of nerve, huh?
LADY JAYE
And that's not all. Look at these.
GUNG-HO
What are they?
DUKE
That's what we've got to find out, right now.
LADY JAYE
We're a bit short-handed, Duke. Scarlett, Barbecue, Quick Kick, Shipwreck, Thunder, Spirit--they're all on leave visiting their families. Shall I recall them?
DUKE
Not yet. But notify each one that until further orders, they're on emergency standby. Let's go.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
The Army is trying to evacuate the town.
DUKE
The engineers are working on the rock problem while we take a look at these crystals.
DUKE
All right, Tollbooth!
TOLLBOOTH
And away we go!
TRIPWIRE
Listen. They're chiming.
DUKE
Careful, son!
TRIPWIRE
Geez. I've never seen anything like this before.
DUKE
Any idea what caused the explosion, Tripwire?
TRIPWIRE
Frankly, I don't know. Wasn't nuclear. Wasn't TNT. Wasn't any of your conventional explosives.
ENGINEER
It's rolling! Get outta the way!
TRIPWIRE
Wow.
DUKE
Easy. Don't move.
TRIPWIRE
They must've been working on piezoelectric crystals, and come up with something completely new.
DUKE
Yeah. High explosive crystals, sensitive to the slightest impact.
GUNG-HO
I think maybe we should move back a bit, out of range.
DUKE
All right. I want a zone of silence around this area. There's no telling what might set 'em off.
ALPINE
That's not the worst of it. Take a good look. They're growing.
DUKE
We've gotta get these crystals out of here. If Cobra invented these things....
GUNG-HO
They aren't gonna let 'em slip through their fingers.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - CONTROL ROOM
BARONESS
How right you are. Those crystals belong to Cobra. Get me the Commander.
TELE-VIPER
At once, Baroness.
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, what is it?
BARONESS
G. I. Joe is guarding the crystals.
COBRA COMMANDER
Then attack now, before they're ready for us.
BARONESS
We cannot! One wrong shot and all the crystals will explode!
COBRA COMMANDER
I don't want excuses; I want results!
BARONESS
Wait. I have a plan. Tell me, Commander, who in all the world would you never let come to harm?
COBRA COMMANDER
Me!
BARONESS
Fool. What about a mother, father, sister, or brother?
COBRA COMMANDER
I see. But the true identities of the Joes are top secret. Can you find out who they are?
BARONESS
Yes, by tapping into Pentagon computers.
COBRA COMMANDER
Well then, what are you waiting for?
EXT. WASHINGTON - PENTAGON
INT. PENTAGON - CORRIDOR
MP
Hey, little fella. You're not supposed to stop here.
INT. PENTAGON - TOP SECRET ROOM
CIVILIAN
What in the... help! Intruder!
STORM SHADOW
Now, to copy the G. I. Joes' family background data.
MP
Hold it right there!
EXT. WASHINGTON - PENTAGON
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - CONTROL ROOM
BARONESS
He got this file before the failsafe system shut down the computer, but it is all we need, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent, Baroness. I place my Crimson Guards at your service.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Xamot (T) and Tomax. (T and X) What are your orders, Baroness?
BARONESS
Sieze the families of these G. I. Joes, and bring them to me.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Dusty, give me a progress report.
EXT. MOJAVE DESERT - DAY
DUSTY
We found a safe place for the test, Duke. When do we get the crystals?
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
We're cuttin' one off right now.
DUKE
Your sample is on its way. Lady Jaye?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
LADY JAYE
Yes, Duke?
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Send out an emergency recall to the Joes on leave. We're gonna need all the help we can get.
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Right away, Duke.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Punch up the Joes' family background data.
TELE-VIPER
Yes, Commander.
COMPUTER [Michael Bell?]
Code name: Quick Kick. Real Name: MacArthur S. Ito. Surviving relatives: mother and father.
EXT. LOS ANGELES - WATTS DISTRICT
COMPUTER (V.O.)
Current place of residence: Watts District, Los Angeles, California.
INT. STORE
QUICK KICK
Where do you want these, Pop?
MR. ITO
Ah, over there, son.
MRS. JACKSON
Is that Mac behind all those boxes?
QUICK KICK
Oh, hello, Mrs. Jackson.
MRS. JACKSON
My, my. I remember when you were just a scrawny little thing!
QUICK KICK
Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Jackson.
MI HAI ITO
Isn't he a good boy? He's done nothing but work in the store for his whole visit.
MR. ITO
Are you coming to the game with me tonight, Mac?
QUICK KICK
You bet. I....
QUICK KICK
Aw, I'm sorry, pop. Look, I gotta go. It's, uh, my agent. He must have some...emergency stunt work for me.
MR. ITO
You be careful, Mac.
QUICK KICK
Don't worry. I will.
MR. ITO
What's the meaning of this?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You will (T) come (T and X) with us.
MR. ITO
Run, Mi Hai!
MI HAI ITO
I won't leave you!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Take them!
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - CONTROL ROOM
COMPUTER
Code name: Scarlett. Real name: Shana M. O'Hara. Surviving relatives: father, three brothers.
EXT. ATLANTA - MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO
COMPUTER (V.O.)
Current place of residence: Atlanta, Georgia.
INT. MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO
SCARLETT
Dad? Brian? Anybody here?
SCARLETT
I came here for a workout, but I wasn't expecting anything like that.
SHAWN O'HARA
Hi, sis.
PATRICK O'HARA [Chris Latta]
Your reflexes are better than ever, Shana.
SCARLETT
Thanks, Dad, but why the masks?
FRANK O'HARA
Well, you know how each one of us fights.
BRIAN O'HARA
So we thought if you didn't know who was who, it would give us an edge.
SCARLETT
I know you from the way you stand, Brian.
SCARLETT
Oh.
PATRICK
Trouble?
SCARLETT
It's a top priority emergency. No way around it. I have to go.
BRIAN
Gosh, well, hurry back, sis.
SCARLETT
Count on it!
PATRICK
Well, let's get in some sparrin' practice ourse...
STORM SHADOW
You are my prisoners!
PATRICK
Oh, yeah?
STORM SHADOW
This is one battle you cannot win.
PATRICK
Wanna bet? Boys?
SHAWN
No sweat, dad!
FRANK
Don't get cocky, Shawn! This isn't practice!
FRANK
Brian!
STORM SHADOW
I have your sons. Surrender.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - CONTROL ROOM
COMPUTER
Code name: Thunder. Real name: Matthew Harris Breckinridge. Surviving relatives: father, mother, sister.
EXT. LOUISVILLE - RIVER
COMPUTER (V.O.)
Current place of residence: Louisville, Kentucky.
EXT. BRECKINRIDGE HOUSE - DAY
MR. BRECKINRIDGE
How's it sound?
THUNDER
The timin' on that third cylinder's still off.
FLO BRECKINRIDGE
Chrissy, will you tell the boys the food's ready? Chrissy?
FLO
Oh, for goodness' sake!
MR. BRECKINRIDGE
Did you hear somethin'?
THUNDER
Uh-oh. My emergency beeper. I've gotta go, Dad!
MR. BRECKINRIDGE
Go? Go where? Your mother's fixin' lunch!
THUNDER
I'm sorry, Dad! I'll explain later!
MR. BRECKINRIDGE
Flo, the dogs are burnin'.
INT. BRECKINRIDGE HOUSE - KITCHEN
MR. BRECKINRIDGE
Hey, Flo! That son of yours....
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - CONTROL ROOM
COMPUTER
Code name: Shipwreck. Real name: Hector X. Delgado. Surviving relatives: aunt, uncle, nephew.
EXT. SAN DIEGO - SHORE
COMPUTER (V.O.)
Current place of residence: San Diego, California.
EXT. SAN DIEGO - JESSE'S HOUSE
SHIPWRECK
Hey, Jesse, don't I get a hello?
JESSE
Hello.
MRS. DELGADO
Oh, Hector, we figured he was old enough to know the truth, so we told him he was adopted.
SHIPWRECK
Huh. Well, don't worry. I'll have a talk with him.
EXT. SAN DIEGO - PIER
SHIPWRECK
Jesse, can I tell you a secret?
JESSE
Yeah, what is it?
SHIPWRECK
Well, you may not believe this, but I was adopted, too.
JESSE
You...you were?
SHIPWRECK
Uh-huh. You know, we're lucky to have people who love us as much as our real parents might've, maybe more.
JESSE
Maybe a lot more, huh, Uncle Hector?
SHIPWRECK
Maybe. But the important thing is that they do love you and take care of you. That's what really counts.
JESSE
What's that? Where are you going?
SHIPWRECK
It's an emergency, Jesse. I have to leave.
JESSE
Oh, okay. Hey, I'll take care of your gear.
SHIPWRECK (O.C.)
Thanks, buddy!
JESSE
Hey...hey, Uncle Hector! I got a bite!
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - CONTROL ROOM
COMPUTER
Code name: Spirit. Real name: Charlie Iron-Knife. Surviving relatives: grandfather, cousin.
EXT. OUTSIDE TAOS - DAY
COMPUTER (V.O.)
Current place of residence: Taos, New Mexico.
GRANDFATHER
Your cousin is ready for the Ceremony of Womanhood.
VENA [Mona Marshall]
Uncle Charlie, I'm so glad you're here.
SPIRIT
You're as beautiful as the dawn, little cousin.
GRANDFATHER
Let the Sunrise Dance begin.
GRANDFATHER
Charlie, what is the meaning of this?
SPIRIT
I am sorry, but I am needed, Grandfather.
GRANDFATHER
You would dishonor Vena's ceremony because the white men call you?
SPIRIT
They would not call unless the need is great.
VENA
Then go, cousin, with my blessing.
SPIRIT
Already you are a woman. Thank you.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - CONTROL ROOM
COMPUTER
Code name: Barbecue. Real name: Gabriel A. Kelly. Surviving relatives: father and mother.
EXT. BOSTON - DAY
COMPUTER (V.O.)
Current place of residence: Boston, Massachusetts.
INT. FIREHOUSE
MR. KELLY [Michael Bell]
So, have you met my son Gabriel?
FIREMAN
Joining the force, Gabriel?
BARBECUE
No, just visitin'. I have reserve status.
FIREMAN
Let's go!
EXT. BURNING BUILDING
MR. KELLY
Check your suits and move out!
INT. BURNING BUILDING
MR. KELLY
I'll start search and rescue while you get a hose on the fire.
BARBECUE
Okay, dad.
BARBECUE
Dad, watch out! Dad!
BARBECUE
Dad!
FIREMAN
Get back! Move!
FIREMAN
We'll find him!
EXT. BURNING BUILDING
BARBECUE
We can't leave my dad in there!
FIREMAN
They'll get him out.
CRIMSON GUARD
Into the van!
MR. KELLY
Wait a minute! Who are you?
CRIMSON GUARD [Lee Weaver]
Not to worry, pops!
BARBECUE
Dad. No, not now!
FIREMAN
Gabriel Kelly?
BARBECUE
Yes, that's me.
"FIRE CHIEF"
Your father's safe. My men got him out the back way.
BARBECUE
Oh, fantastic. Gee, thanks! C-can I see him? Where, where is he?
"FIRE CHIEF"
He said not to worry. I had him taken to the hospital for a routine check, but he's fine. What about the other emergency?
BARBECUE
Look, I have to go. Tell my dad....
FIREMAN
I'll explain everything. Get going.
BARONESS
Move it.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
GUNG-HO
Easy does it.
DUKE
Dusty, are you ready to make the test?
EXT. MOJAVE DESERT - DAY
DUSTY
Footloose is settin' it up now.
DUSTY
Dusty to Duke, detonation in ten seconds. Nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...one...
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Dusty, Footloose, are you all right?
EXT. MOJAVE DESERT - DAY
DUSTY
Yeah. We're gonna take a look.
DUSTY
Watch your step! Not a trace left! The crystals destroy themselves completely when they explode.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Keep the area secure. We'll be there soon.
GUNG-HO
It better be soon. Cobra'll wanna come after these crystals before we can destroy them.
DUKE
They'll come, all right. The question is when.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - LAB
BARONESS
We have enough hostages. Begin the brainwashing.
DR. MARKS [Corey Burton?]
Baroness, I must warn you. This machine is experimental.
BARONESS
You've tested it before.
DR. MARKS
Only on Cobra soldiers whose will is not strong!
BARONESS
Then we'll start with that kid.
MR. BRECKINRIDGE
My little girl?
CRIMSON GUARD [Lee Weaver?]
Step back!
CHRISSY
Mom! Daddy!
PATRICK
Is this the best Cobra can do, terrify innocent children?
BARONESS
Quiet, Patrick O'Hara. You're next!
BARONESS
Who do you serve, little one?
CHRISSY
I serve Cobra.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Where's that ATV? We're behind schedule.
GUNG-HO
I see it. It's comin'.
SCARLETT
Yo Joe!
DUKE
All right. Be careful when you load these crystals. The slightest vibration could set them all off. Let's get 'em out of here.
SCARLETT
Gently, fellas.
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT - LAB
DR. MARKS
His will is strong, as were theirs! They could overcome the programming at any moment?
BARONESS
Who do you serve, Indian?
GRANDFATHER
I...I....
BARONESS
Do something!
DR. MARKS
These augmentors. They will link their minds directly to the signals on my machine. As long as they wear these, they'll obey any order.
BARONESS
Now, who do you serve?
GRANDFATHER
I...serve...Cobra.
BARONESS
Prepare him for battle!
EXT. MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Yo Joe.
SCARLETT
Start your engines!
DUKE
Close formation!
SCARLETT
There's a blind curve coming up. We'll scout ahead.
DUKE
Watch yourself. If Cobra plans an ambush, this is the place.
SCARLETT
Yo Joe!
SCARLETT
Right on the money, Duke. It's a Cobra unit. But there's only thirteen of them.
DUKE
Can you handle them?
SCARLETT
Leave it to us. All right, let's...
SHIPWRECK
No, No!
SCARLETT
Shipwreck, what are you doing?
SHIPWRECK
No! No! Jesse!
SCARLETT
They're...Shawn! No!
BARBECUE
Dad!
QUICK KICK
Mom! Pop!
THUNDER
It can't be!
SPIRIT
Grandfather!
DUKE
What is it? Scarlett, what's wrong?
SCARLETT
It's...it's...oh, no!
TO BE CONTINUED...

THE GERM

2008-12-23T16:48:00.001-08:00

INT. HOSPITAL
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Attention, Agent X-Ninety-Nine. Your last report has been received (X) and we are acting on your recommendation. You are (T) to proceed with the theft of the pseudomonda eubacterius, (X) otherwise known as (T and X) Bacteria X.
CRIMSON GUARD X-99 [Neil Ross]
I read you.
INT. HOSPITAL - LAB
DOCTOR [Michael Bell?]
What are you doing? You're Cobra!
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
And you're history!
DOCTOR
You don't know how dangerous....
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
No, you don't know how dangerous it'll be, when Cobra's through with it!
EXT. BIOMECHANICAL LAB - DAY
COBRA #1 [Michael Bell?]
Here comes one of the Crimson elite.
COBRA #2 [Bill Ratner]
Elite. Ah, we do all the work.
INT. BIOMECHANICAL LAB
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
Destro?
DESTRO
You have the bacteria. Good. You are dismissed.
DESTRO
Now it is just a germ, but soon it will be a conqueror of worlds. You're dismissed!
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
My orders are to remain, observe, and report your progress to the Crimson Guard Commanders.
DESTRO
I do not answer to them. Leave at once.
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
My orders come from Cobra Commander himself, in triplicate.
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
Elite trooper to Crimson Guard Commanders. Destro departed in anger. What are your instructions?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) We cannot afford delays. Bring the bacteria here (X) at once. We can perform the tests at (X) Extensive Enterprises labs (T and X) and at half the cost.
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
I read you. Over and out.
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
Bacteria X. Hmm, what's this. Experimental growth serum. It might prove useful, too.
INT. BIOCHEMICAL LAB - MONITORING ROOM
TELE-VIPER
Security. Theft in progress.
EXT. BIOCHEMICAL LAB - DAY
COBRA #1
Leave him to us.
INT. BIOCHEMICAL LAB - GLIDER BAY
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
Don't try to impede me. I have my authorization!
COBRA #1
Yeah? We've got our authorization, too.
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
Don't fire, you fool! You might hit the vials!
EXT. BIOCHEMICAL LAB - DAY
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
Elite trooper to Hydrofoil! Cover me! I'm comin' in!
COBRA #3
I've been hit, but I'll do what I can!
COBRA #2
Blow him out of the air!
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
Stop, fool! We'll crash! Let go!
COBRA #1
Surrender the vials!
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
You low-ranked idiot!
COBRA #2
Look!
COBRA #1
The Water Moccasin! It's our only chance to escape!
COBRA #1
It won't start! C'mon, c'mon! Put these on fast!
COBRA #1
Dive!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
We've got a Code Ten from Colonel Sharp!
COL. SHARP
Just minutes ago, our recon satellite spotted this. This, uh, thing is moving downstate. Its nature and origin are unknown. The only thing we do know is that it absorbs everything in its path.
SHIPWRECK
No sweat, Colonel. There ain't a slimer made that we can't take out.
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. FARMLAND - DAY
ACE
Target your missiles. Fire!
ACE
What's goin' on?
DUSTY
The missiles must've been duds.
ACE
I don't like the look of that!
ACE
I'm hit. I'm here, but he darn near dealt me out. I've got to set her down.
ACE
Hey, pardner, do you mind if I borrow that old cropduster of yours?
FARMER #1 [Chris Latta]
As long as you don't bring it back lookin' like yours.
EXT. FARMLAND - DAY
FARMER #1
They say we're supposed to leave our homes. Must be another one of those land schemes.
FARMER #2
Emmie, I told you never to make that surprise stew again!
SCARLETT
Wow! That was too close!
SCARLETT
What's Ace doing in that thing?
DUSTY
He's tryin' to snuff the blob with insecticide.
SCARLETT
Let me go!
DUSTY
Snake-Eyes is right, Scarlett. That gas would overcome us just like it has Ace.
SCARLETT
We can't just leave him there.
AIRTIGHT
Are you all right, old buddy?
ACE
All right, no. Alive, yes.
AIRTIGHT
That's good enough. In the future, I suggest you leave the handling of deadly substances to experts, like me.
ACE
What deadly substance? The blob's still alive!
AIRTIGHT
What you refer to so crudely as a blob is in fact a bacterium.
FLINT
He just might be right. I traced its trail. It begins at a recently destroyed Cobra base.
ACE
It trashed a Cobra base? Maybe it's not such a bad germ after all.
SCARLETT
Yeah. It might just deserve a medal.
DUSTY
Where would you pin it?
AIRTIGHT
There's only one way to kill a germ.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
ROADBLOCK
You mean he's gonna fly into the germ usin' that weird lookin' plane?
ACE
That's right. Biggest hypodermic in the world.
AIRTIGHT
Snake-Eyes, make sure the explosive is powerful enough. I want these antibiotics to get the widest possible dispersal within the germ.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
FLINT
Good luck, Airtight.
ACE
I'll be right behind you.
AIRTIGHT
After your last two experiences with the germ, you better stay way behind me.
FLINT
And I want you two in constant radio contact.
AIRTIGHT
I can either carry out my mission, or I can listen to Ace's chatter. But I can hardly be expected to do both.
FLINT
Okay. Ace, keep down the chatter.
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
ACE
I still don't understand why you have to go into the germ.
AIRTIGHT
Ace, I have to bypass its defenses and reach its nucleus.
ACE
How you gonna do that?
AIRTIGHT
Don't worry about it. Just fly.
INT. GERM
AIRTIGHT
This is most enlightening.
ACE (COMM.)
What's it look like? Airtight?
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
ACE
Airtight, do you read me? Ace to base, something in the germ's neurological makeup must be interfering with our radio transmission.
INT. GERM
AIRTIGHT
Ace, I can hear you perfectly well. I was just ignoring you. And for your edification, germs don't have nerves.
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
ACE
Well, it was just a theory.
INT. GERM
AIRTIGHT
Ace, I'm under attack!
ACE (COMM.)
How can you be attacked inside a germ?
AIRTIGHT
We've got Cobra missiles in here, but I don't know where they came from!
ACE (COMM.)
How can that be?
AIRTIGHT
Save your questions 'til after class!
ACE (COMM.)
I've got orders from Flint. Scrub the mission. Fly outta there now!
AIRTIGHT
I can't fly! In fact, I can hardly steer! It's like trying to drive a car in Jell-O through a minefield!
ACE (COMM.)
Like what?
AIRTIGHT
I'm switchin' you off, Ace!
AIRTIGHT
Oh, no, not again!
AIRTIGHT
Corrosive enzymes. They're devouring the lab...and I'm dessert!
AIRTIGHT
The nucleus!
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
SCARLETT
What's happened to Airtight?
FLINT
There's no way of knowing. He cut radio contact.
DOCTOR
I must speak to your commanding officer. You must take me to him! I know things about that germ that you don't. I helped create it.
FLINT
I'm the commanding officer. Do you work for Cobra?
DOCTOR
No, no. I'm a doctor. That bacteria was created at my hospital. It was created as result of a misuse of antibiotics. It's a supergerm. Nothing known to man can stop it. In fact, your antibiotics might make it more powerful!
INT. GERM
EEL #2 (= Cobra #2)
What happened?
AIRTIGHT
Oh, no!
AIRTIGHT
My charges are set to go off in two minutes. Therefore, we have two alternatives. Either you let me pilot the ship, or we die.
CRIMSON GUARD X-99
Then we have no choice at all.
AIRTIGHT
The shock waves are propelling us!
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
FLINT
There's the explosion. The germ's receiving megadoses of antibiotics.
SCARLETT
But what about Airtight?
AIRTIGHT
Flint? Scarlett?
SCARLETT
Congratulations, Airtight!
FLINT
Welcome back! Looks like you were wrong about the antibiotics, Doctor.
ROADBLOCK
Yeah. That germ's doin' the squirm.
FLINT
I couldn't have put it better.
ROADBLOCK
Nobody could have.
DOCTOR
It's not dying. It's going through its process of mitosis.
DUSTY
Mitosis? What's that?
DOCTOR
Reproducing itself.
FLINT
Instead of one menace...
SCARLETT
...we have two. And look, one of them is headed straight for New York! Millions will die!
SCARLETT
What are we gonna do?
FLINT
Order an evacuation.
AIRTIGHT
It looks like I blew it.
ACE
Join the club.
SHIPWRECK
I still think we oughta try poisoning it somehow.
ACE
I tried that, remember?
SHIPWRECK
What we need is a candy coating.
ACE
What you need is a transfer.
AIRTIGHT
No, maybe he's got something. It should work. Poison in a candy coating.
DOCTOR
Of course! Apple seeds contain a tiny amount of poison.
SCARLETT
Poison?
DOCTOR
Only in the seeds. In small doses, it's harmless.
AIRTIGHT
But what about in large doses, say, an orchard full?
DOCTOR
It could be deadly.
EXT. FARMLAND - DAY
FLINT (COMM.)
Ace, this is Flint. Get the first germ into an orchard fast!
EXT. ORCHARD - DAY
FLINT (CONT.)
We'll worry about the second one. Okay, men, load those apple crates!
EXT. FARMLAND - DAY
DUSTY
If we can't even slow this creature down, how can we direct it toward an orchard?
ACE
You forget, Dusty, this thing doesn't care what it eats. It chows down on whatever's in front of it. We've got to take advantage of its mindlessness. Watch.
DUSTY
You did it! You got the germ to change direction!
ACE
Yeah, but not enough. The nearest apple orchard is a lot farther north. Do the C manuever. Drop your charges on command.
ACE
Steady, steady...now!
DUSTY
It's workin'!
SCARLETT
Oh, no! It didn't work!
ACE
It's weakened! It just wasn't a big enough dose.
DUSTY
Another orchard, if we can send the germ tumblin' down that hill.
SCARLETT
Oh, no! It's gonna split again!
EXT. ORCHARD - DAY
FLINT
Great, Ace! Now we gotta nail the other one!
EXT. ROAD TO NEW YORK - DAY
SHIPWRECK
What's the problem?
GREENSHIRT [Michael Bell]
Can't tell. Trail must be blocked up ahead.
SHIPWRECK
Hey, looks like we're stuck here a while.
COVER GIRL
Oh, brother.
FLINT
Tollbooth, we got a problem. Bring out the Bridgelayer.
SHIPWRECK
Kinda romantic out here, ain't it?
SHIPWRECK
Aw, come on. Give me a break.
COVER GIRL
With pleasure.
SHIPWRECK
Ow! Your point's well taken.
TOLLBOOTH
I hear you got a problem.
FLINT
Nothin' you can't handle, Tollbooth.
FLINT
Ace, we've been delayed. You've got to buy us some time to get in position.
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY
ACE
You heard the man, team. Time for some delaying tactics.
DUSTY
But Ace, we haven't got any missiles left. How are we gonna slow that thing?
ACE
I still have one missile left.
DUSTY
You drowned the darn thing!
ACE
Don't count your money yet. It might be bluffing.
ACE
I'm really begininin' to hate this germ.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - OUTSKIRTS
FLINT
Good. Ace delayed it long enough to get into position.
ROADBLOCK
Now this is what I call a good old-fashioned, high-tech food fight!
SHIPWRECK
I'm tired of waitin'. Where is it? Come on, you lousy coward! Come out and take your medicine! This is gonna be your Waterloo! Your Alamo! Your...
COVER GIRL
Shipwreck!
SHIPWRECK
Uh, just kiddin', big guy!
SHIPWRECK
Something's gotta stop it!
COVER GIRL
Why don't you try asking it for a date?
FLINT
We can't stop it! Everyone dive for the water!
COVER GIRL
Shipwreck, come on!
SHIPWRECK
Aw, this might be the one that does it! Uh, this might be the one!
COVER GIRL
If you leave now, I'll go out with you!
SHIPWRECK
Anchors aweigh!
SHIPWRECK
When are we gonna go out?
COVER GIRL
The sooner the better!
SHIPWRECK
What are we gonna do?
COVER GIRL
Go swimming!
SHIPWRECK
This is the best date I've had in weeks!
COVER GIRL
SkyStrikers!
SHIPWRECK
Now that's what I call timing!
FLINT
The germ left some disgusting stuff around here.
ROADBLOCK
Yeah, real disgusting.
ROADBLOCK
What have we got here? It must be a worm from the germ.
GUNG-HO
I guess that germ found Cobra as hard to swallow as we do.

LASERS IN THE NIGHT

2008-12-23T16:47:00.000-08:00

EXT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT
PROFESSOR (O.C.)
The ancient Greeks believed in heroism.
INT. LECTURE HALL
PROFESSOR (CONT.)
Their legendary heroes battled against incredible odds, never giving up their ideals.
SANDY
Amber, this night class is a twelve on the yawn scale.
AMBER
Sandy, shh! This is interesting.
PROFESSOR
Next week, chapters two to six.
EXT. LECTURE HALL - NIGHT
SANDY
Who cares about old Greeks when this campus is packed with young hunks?
AMBER
Sandy, remember what the professor said? History is made by people who do things. What do I do? Nothing.
SANDY
Nothing? You're a candy striper, you run charity fairs, you even teach karate to kids. Come on! The full moon's out--the lover's moon. Are you gonna waste....
AMBER
Sandy, look at this. "G. I. Joe Martial Arts Exhibition." Those guys really do make history. Let's go watch.
SANDY
Not me. I'm going hunk hunting.
INT. MARTIAL ARTS EXHIBITION
QUICK KICK
Martial arts isn't just chopping and socking. It's a discipline that teaches total concentration.
AMBER
Yay, Quick Kick! Yo Joe!
QUICK KICK
Now, how 'bout some audience participation? Kung fu, anyone?
AMBER
Me! Oh, let me do it!
QUICK KICK
Fine with me, gorgeous. Don't worry. I'll go easy.
AMBER
Whatever you say.
QUICK KICK
I said I'd go easy!
AMBER
Yeah, but I didn't.
QUICK KICK
Say, you're my kind of girl. Where'd you learn those moves?
AMBER
Oh, I've been studying for....
QUICK KICK
Give you a hand?
AMBER
Uh, no thanks.
QUICK KICK
Yeah, that's my kind of girl.
QUICK KICK
Well, as they say in the movies, bu-di-bu-di-bu-di-that's all folks!
EXT. EXHIBITION HALL - HALLWAY
QUICK KICK
Gorgeous! Hey, gorgeous, wait!
AMBER
The name's Amber.
QUICK KICK
Okay. Amber.
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - NIGHT
AMBER
You're good. I'm not easily tricked.
QUICK KICK
Perfection is something I've learned to live with. So, how about something to eat, then maybe a movie?
AMBER
You want to take me out?
QUICK KICK (as Humphrey Bogart)
Fred C. Dobbs don't say nothin' he don't mean. Humphrey Bogart, Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
INT. DANCE FLOOR
INT. BALLET
AMBER
Oh, isn't it the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?
EXT. BASEBALL STADIUM
QUICK KICK
Go team!
INT. MARTIAL ARTS STUDIO
EXT. LAKE - NIGHT
AMBER
My roommate calls it a lover's moon.
QUICK KICK (as James Stewart)
W-w-what is it you want, Mary? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.
AMBER
John Wayne?
QUICK KICK
Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life. Amber, what am I going to do with you?
AMBER
Uh, help me join the Joe Team?
QUICK KICK
You can't be serious.
AMBER
You help people every day. You do things that are important. I want to do that. I wanna be a Joe, like you.
QUICK KICK
So some Cobra can bash in your pretty face? Uh-uh.
AMBER
I can take care of myself. Besides, if you can handle Cobra, how dangerous can they be?
QUICK KICK
Plenty dangerous, Amber. Plenty.
EXT. SNAKE ISLAND - NIGHT
COBRA [Arthur Burghardt]
All right, just stand where you are. Take him back to Headquarters.
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
TELE-VIPER
The Joe spy has been identified as Gung-Ho, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent. Keep him alive, for the moment.
BARONESS
Your laser lash is an impressive weapon, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
A mere plaything, Baroness, but an amusing one. Come, I want to discuss something with you. I have need of a certain device which G. I. Joe has perfected, and which you must obtain for me.
EXT. ELECTRONICS LAB - NIGHT
DUKE
You see that big weenie roast down there? It used to be our electronics lab.
SCARLETT
What could've happened, Duke?
DUKE
That's what we're here to find out. Goin' down!
INT. ELECTRONICS LAB
VOICE (O.C.) [Mogan Lofting]
Lady Jaye! Lady Jaye! Help! Help!
LADY JAYE
Duke? Scarlett? Is that you?
BAZOOKA
Who's there? Duke! Scarlett!
BAZOOKA
Lady Jaye!
BAZOOKA
She's hurt!
EXT. ELECTRONICS LAB - NIGHT
DUKE
Everybody out, on the double!
SCARLETT
Look, a Rattler!
DUKE
Maybe Cobra was behind this. They're after our new guidance system. They didn't know we moved it to Joe Headquarters.
SCARLETT
They'll be back, you know.
DUKE
Yeah, and we'll be ready.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - INFIRMARY
"LADY JAYE"
I'll be fine, Duke. Honestly. I'm okay.
QUICK KICK
Get well, huh?
"LADY JAYE"
I am well. Really.
SCARLETT
Hope your new girlfriend does'nt hear about the flowers, Quick Kick.
QUICK KICK
The only flowers she'd be interested in would be those wrapped in enlistment papers.
SCARLETT
Huh?
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
SCARLETT
Duke wants us right away.
"LADY JAYE"
Something must be wrong.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - TUNNEL 13
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Duke, intruder in Tunnel Thirteen, headin' for the map room.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - MAP ROOM
DUKE
Looking for something, friend? Let's see who Cobra sent after us this time.
QUICK KICK
Amber!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - INTERROGATION ROOM
AMBER
Really, I just wanted to join the Joes!
"LADY JAYE"
So you thought you'd break in?
AMBER
Quick Kick, tell them!
QUICK KICK (as John Wayne)
Well, if you're askin' me, pilgrim, I think we oughta string her up.
DUKE
Next time you want to join the Joe Team, see your local recruiter, huh? End of crisis. Quick Kick, give her the nickel tour.
QUICK KICK
Okay, boss.
GUNG-HO
The hurry back. We've got trouble. Gung-Ho missed his last two check-ins.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - MAIN HANGAR
QUICK KICK
We're changing the security code on our SkyStrikers. No one, especially Cobra, can get past our defenses unless they know the code.
ALICE
And we change the security code every day. And that code is ten six nine.
QUICK KICK
That should cut down on uninvited guests.
AMBER
Like me, Quick Kick?
QUICK KICK
Amber, wait!
ALICE
How you feelin', Lady Jaye? I heard you had an accident.
"LADY JAYE"
Oh, I'm fine. How's my SkyStriker coming?
AMBER
Should be ready in an hour.
"LADY JAYE"
Perfect, Alice, just perfect.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
QUICK KICK
Amber, please stop! You'll land us both in the guardhouse!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - MAP ROOM
Gung-Ho's last signal came from somewhere on Snake Island. We think he found the Cobra base he was looking for. Then Cobra found him.
DUKE
Amber, what are you doing here?
AMBER
I, um...
QUICK KICK
Sorry. Let's go Amber. You're down to the penny tour, now.
EXT. SNAKE ISLAND - NIGHT
DESTRO
Destro to Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
You're just in time, Destro, to witness my latest stroke of brilliance.
DESTRO
You planned an attack without informing me?
COBRA COMMANDER
Not an attack. Something more interesting.
DESTRO
What is that madman up to now?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - LAB
DOC
The long-range laser guidance system tested out, Duke.
DUKE
That's great, Doc. With this baby controlling a high-powered laser, you could shoot a gnat off the rings of Saturn.
QUICK KICK
Sorry, uh, thought you were still in the map room. Didn't know you were here.
"LADY JAYE"
I don't trust that girl.
QUICK KICK
Come on, Amber. I'll take you back to your sorority now.
DUKE
Your throat still bothering you, Lady Jaye?
"LADY JAYE"
Just a bit. Nothing to worry about.
DUKE
Have Doc check you out. I don't like the sound of it.
"LADY JAYE"
If you insist, Duke. Tomorrow?
DOC
Okay.
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes. Our spy has transmitted the Joes' security code. My Rattlers will now penetrate the Joe defenses with ease. The laser guidance system will soon be mine!
DESTRO
Cobra Commander, I demand to know your plan! Our agreement specifies that I supply all your weaponry.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
I did not violate our agreement, Destro. And as for my plan, you will see it when the whole world does, tomorrow!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - OBSERVATION POST
GREENSHIRT [Michael Bell]
Breaker, Rattlers coming in fast!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - OBSERVATION POST
GREENSHIRT
How'd they get by our early warning system?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
A Cobra spy must've gotten our new code!
DUKE
Mobilize air defense. Scramble the SkyStrikers!
"LADY JAYE"
Roger!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
QUICK KICK
Hey! Well excu-u-use me!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
BREAKER (V.O.)
Lady Jaye's on their tail.
DUKE (V.O.)
What about the other SkyStrikers?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Out of commission. Lady Jaye's our only hope.
"LADY JAYE" (COMM.)
Duke, I have them in my...oh, no.
DUKE
What is it? What's wrong.
"LADY JAYE" (COMM.)
Two Rattlers behind me, Duke! I can't shake 'em!... I'm hit...engines on fire! Controls locked! I'm falling into the sea!
DUKE
Pull up, Lady Jaye! Pull up! Lady Jaye!
BREAKER
She...she's gone.
DUKE
Get every available Joe to the briefing room on the double! Especially Quick Kick!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - MAP ROOM
DUKE
Lady Jaye's SkyStriker went down. We may have lost her. Deep Six is heading the search operation. Cobra got our new security code. Our laser guidance system has also been stolen. We had a visitor tonight who overheard our defense codes and saw where the guidance system was kept. Quick Kick, the spy is Amber. I want her here now.
QUICK KICK
Like Mae West said, when women go wrong, men go right after them.
SCARLETT
I thought those two has something going. Doesn't he care that....
DUKE
Yeah, but he's not the type to show it. All right, the SkyStrikers'll be airworthy by dawn. That's when we hit Cobra.
EXT. SORORITY - NIGHT
INT. SORORITY
SANDY
Say, you're Amber's guy. You wouldn't have a brother with shoulders like yours, would you?
QUICK KICK
No. A sister. Where's Amber?
SANDY
In her room, I guess.
INT. SORORITY - AMBER'S ROOM
SANDY
Amber's would be the only neat bed. How embarrassing.
QUICK KICK
Hey, her telephone answering machine light is on.
SANDY
Sometimes she leaves us messages when she goes out.
QUICK KICK
Play it for me, will you?
SANDY
Sure.
EXT. SNAKE ISLAND - NIGHT
AMBER (ANSWERING MACHINE, V.O.)
Sandy, this is Amber. I'm heading for Snake Island. When Quick Kick shows up, don't let him know where I've gone. I'm afraid the Joes think I'm a Cobra spy. I have to prove I'm not. The only way I can think of to eliminate any doubt is to get inside the Cobra base and smash it by myself.
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
AMBER (CONT., ANSWERING MACHINE, V.O.)
Wish me luck.
INT. SORORITY - AMBER'S ROOM
AMBER (CONT., ANSWERING MACHINE)
I'm gonna need it.
QUICK KICK
Amber!
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
There, Destro. The ultimate laser. With the Joe laser guidance system fitted inside, I am ready to proceed.
DESTRO
Proceed with what?
COBRA COMMANDER
Watch and see for yourself.
COBRA SCIENTIST
Cobra Commander, an intruder.
DESTRO
Sieze her!
"LADY JAYE"
You.
AMBER
Me? What are you doing here?
"LADY JAYE"
I belong here, Amber. I work for Cobra.
AMBER
Lady Jaye? You're a Cobra agent?
"LADY JAYE"
I am, but I'm not Lady Jaye. You may call me...
BARONESS
...the Baroness. And call yourself a fool. Because the Joes thought you were the spy, they never saw me steal their laser guidance system.
EXT. SNAKE ISLAND - NIGHT
QUICK KICK
Snake Island. Where's Amber? There it is, I found her boat.
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CELL
LADY JAYE
Looks like we have a new guest.
AMBER
Lady Jaye!
LADY JAYE
Do you know this young lady, Gung-Ho?
GUNG-HO
I've never seen her before.
AMBER
I'm Amber, a friend of Quick Kick. Cobra Commander's about to do something terrible with a laser machine.
GUNG-HO
Well then, we gotta get outta here fast.
GUNG-HO
It's no use.
LADY JAYE
You wouldn't happen to have a hacksaw on you.
AMBER
No, but if Quick Kick can do it, so can I.
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
DESTRO
Baroness, what is this plan of the Commander's?
BARONESS
I don't know. He would tell me nothing.
EXT. SNAKE ISLAND - NIGHT
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Watch, everyone! Today is V-Day, V for victory! Very soon, the whole world will see the power of Cobra!
EXT. SNAKE ISLAND - NIGHT
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
DESTRO
Commander, I demand to know the meaning of this at once!
COBRA COMMANDER
See for yourself, Destro.
EXT. SNAKE ISLAND - NIGHT
COBRA OFFICER
Over there! Look, an intruder!
QUICK KICK
Uh-oh.
QUICK KICK
Have a nice trip! Be sure to write!
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
QUICK KICK
Amber, are you in here?
QUICK KICK
Where is she?
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop him before he ruins my plan!
BARONESS
He's here for the girl we captured.
QUICK KICK
Amber's here! She's still alive! Nothing can stop me now, you snakes!
QUICK KICK
I love it when a plan comes together!
QUICK KICK
How do you turn this fool thing on?
QUICK KICK (as James Cagney)
All right, all right. You got me. You dirty rats!
COBRA COMMANDER
I wouldn't make jokes if I were you. Take a look at that screen! No longer will people see the Man in the Moon each night. Instead, they'll see my face and know that Cobra is undefeatable!
QUICK KICK
Oh, no.
DESTRO
This is your brilliant scheme, Commander? You wasted millions on this...this cosmic graffiti?
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CELL
COBRA OFFICER
Hey, where are the other prisoners?
AMBER
Oh, they got bored and left.
COBRA OFFICER
What do you mean left? Where the devil are they?
LADY JAYE
This should come in handy. Shall we be going?
INT. SNAKE ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Observe! Each night the face of terror will shine upon every nation on the globe!
LADY JAYE
Hold it! Nobody moves and nobody gets hurt!
QUICK KICK
Amber, you're alive!
AMBER
You came for me?
QUICK KICK
Well, I had nothin' else to do. There were no good movies playin', so I....
COBRA COMMANDER
Stop them! Destroy them!
QUICK KICK
Better hang onto this. I might need it.
COBRA COMMANDER
Destro, wait for me! Don't leave me here!
QUICK KICK
They're getting away! Follow them!
EXT. SNAKE ISLAND - NIGHT
DESTRO
You're a fool, Commander. If not for your mad scheme, we would still control Snake Island.
COBRA COMMANDER
Everyone is against me!
QUICK KICK
Don't worry, we'll head 'em off!
GUNG-HO
Go get 'em, Quick Kick!
DESTRO
The fool's following us! Split up!
QUICK KICK
You should've stayed with the others.
AMBER
And miss all the action?
QUICK KICK
What am I gonna do with you, Amber?
AMBER
Quick Kick, watch out!
DESTRO
Say your prayers, love birds.
QUICK KICK
My Dragonfly's hit!
QUICK KICK
Oh, this must be heaven. I'm in the arms of an angel.
AMBER
You soon will be if we don't run like the devil!
AMBER
Quick Kick, snakes!
QUICK KICK
That's what you gotta face when you're a G. I. Joe. Don't move. I'll be with you in a second. I think I've finally got this thing figured out.
AMBER
Oh, Quick Kick!
QUICK KICK
Not yet, Amber! Look!
QUICK KICK
Hey, SkyStrikers!
DUKE
It looks like we showed up just in time.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
DUKE (V.O.)
Cobra Commander, Destro, and Baroness flew the coop.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - MAP ROOM
DUKE (CONT.)
But we got their weapons and their men. Sorry we pegged you for a spy, Amber.
AMBER
I certainly gave you reason enough. I did everything wrong.
DUKE
Well, Amber, if you still wanna be a Joe, we'd be proud to have you.
AMBER
Oh, I do, more than anything! But I think I've had enough excitement for a while. Maybe after I finish school?
DUKE
Any time, Amber. Any time.
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. LAKE - NIGHT
QUICK KICK
I did a little fix-up work on the moon with Cobra's laser machine. What do you think?
AMBER (as Bette Davis)
Oh, Jerry, don't ask for the moon. We have the stars.
QUICK KICK
Jerry? Who's Jerry?
AMBER
I'm doing Bette Davis from the movie Now, Voyager.
QUICK KICK
Huh?
AMBER
Oh, Quick Kick, what am I gonna do with you?

WHERE THE REPTILES ROAM

2008-12-23T16:46:00.000-08:00

EXT. COBRA INFORMATION CENTER - NIGHT
BREAKER
Open sesame.
BREAKER
Cobra's information center!
ALPINE
Cut the chatter. Is this a coffee break or what? Come on.
INT. COBRA INFORMATION CENTER
BREAKER
Jackpot! Cobra's main computer. All their recent transactions with phony companies are stored here. And in just about two seconds it'll all be ours.
ALPINE
Bazooka, can't you be quiet?
BAZOOKA
Feet tangled.
BREAKER
Gotcha!
COBRA [Peter Cullen]
Correction! We've got you!
ALPINE
Great! That was the only door, shell brain!
BAZOOKA
I'll make another.
EXT. COBRA INFORMATION CENTER - NIGHT
BAZOOKA
Door.
BREAKER
Flint! We're bringin' guests! Cover us!
FLINT
Ground forces, air support, move!
BAZOOKA
Alpine, look! Cavalry!
WILD BILL
Yahoo! Get along, little dogies!
BAZOOKA
Comin'?
ALPINE
No, I'm gonna stay here and get buried in popcorn!
INT. JOE CAMP
COMPUTER EXPERT
Let's see what you got, Breaker. Standard Cobra protection scheme. Shouldn't be too tough to crack.
FLINT
Looks like a real estate transaction.
ALPINE
Real estate?
FLINT
Real estate's right, Alpine. According to this, well, Cobra bought a dude ranch.
LADY JAYE
Why a dude ranch?
FLINT
I'd love to know. Why don't you go undercover with Bazooka, Alpine, and Wild Bill.
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! West Texas, home sweet home! Yeehow!
EXT. TEXAS ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL
Yeehoo!
ALPINE
Slow down before we take off!
WILD BILL
Can't you take a little wind through the hair?
BAZOOKA
Gosh, Alpine, cows. Oil wells.
LADY JAYE
Not oil wells, Bazooka. Microwave antennas. Part of a solar energy farm.
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
LADY JAYE (V.O.)
They receive microwave energy beamed from an orbiting satellite. Then they relay it via those power lines to electric plants.
EXT. TEXAS ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL
Solar power beams? Comin' down here? Ain't that dangerous, Lady Jaye?
LADY JAYE
Not if the beams are controlled by that monitoring station.
BAZOOKA
If not?
LADY JAYE
They could fry a city.
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAY
MA
Howdy, y'all! Well, welcome to Loco Toro! You must be the Austins! I'm Ma Joad, this here's Pa, and over yonder is our little daughter, Mary Belle.
WILD BILL
Name's Bill Austin. This here's my sister Jane, and my brothers Big Bob and Little Bob.
ALPINE
Howdy.
BAZOOKA
Uh, howdy.
MARY BELLE [Morgan Lofting]
Why don't you and I take a look-see around the ranch, private-like?
WILD BILL
Why, I'd like that just fine, Miss Joad.
WILD BILL
Oh, please, call me Mary Belle, Mr. Bill. Miss Joad sounds so formal.
LADY JAYE
That Texas tease! "Call me Mary Belle." Jezebel's more like it.
MA
Your brother's got the right idea, Miss Austin. Why don't y'all take a look around?
MA
Rufus and Clay here'll take care of your bags. Supper's at six sharp. You have yourselves a good time, y'hear?
LADY JAYE
You heard the lady. Look around. I'll check in with Flint.
LADY JAYE
Lady Jaye to Flint. We're at the ranch. It looks like Cobra bought it as an R & R center for the troops, but there may be more to this than meets the eye.
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAY
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
I want her kept under constant surveillance. Understand?
ZARTAN
Why watch her when we can waste her?
COBRA COMMANDER
We must not cause any suspicion for eighteen hours. Then I will control the solar power satellite. Until then, keep Lady Jaye and her friends occupied however you like. I'm sure you'll think of something suitable.
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAY
LADY JAYE
Where's Wild Bill?
ALPINE
Ridin' the range with that Texas peach Mary Belle.
BAZOOKA
Got a crush.
ALPINE
No, really?
ZARTAN (as a rancher) [Neil Ross]
Howdy, y'all. Ma Joad told me to make sure you folks have a real full day.
EXT. LOCO TORO - ANIMAL PEN
"RUFUS" (Buzzer)
Y'all wait right here while me and the boys saddle up some horses.
BAZOOKA
Uh, what happens now?
BAZOOKA
Holy cow!
ALPINE
Bazooka!
BAZOOKA
Alpine!
ALPINE
You okay?
BAZOOKA
Mean meat.
ALPINE
You know, I think those bums set us up.
EXT. LOCO TORO - STABLES
ZARTAN
This here is a mighty educated horse, Miss Austin. Mudpatch, tell the lady how old you are.
ZARTAN
He's got taste, too. Mudpatch, is this a pretty lady?
LADY JAYE
Thank you, Mudpatch. I think you're very handsome.
ZARTAN
Why don't you take him for a little ride, Miss? Let me give you a lift.
ZARTAN
There you go, Miss. He's all yours!
LADY JAYE
Whoa, boy! Whoa!
ALPINE
You hurt?
LADY JAYE
Just my pride.
LADY JAYE
Easy, boy. Easy. A burr! No wonder Mudpatch tossed me! Call it a wild guess, but I'd say we weren't wanted here.
EXT. SATELLITE FARM - DAY
WILD BILL
Ah, Texas air. Nothin' like it in all the fifty states!
WILD BILL
Mary Belle, did you see that?
MARY BELLE
Looks like a dust storm.
WILD BILL
That ain't no dust storm. It's a stampede!
WILD BILL
It's headed right for the solar farm control blockhouse!
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! Yeehoo!
INT. MONITORING STATION
EXT. SATELLITE FARM - DAY
BUZZER
Zartan's got the control chip by now.
TORCH
And thanks to the stampede....
RIPPER
Nobody'll even know the chip is gone until it's too late. Oh, no!
TORCH
They're comin' back this way!
MARY BELLE
You crazy cowboy, you could've been killed!
WILD BILL
Aw shoot, ma'am. Wasn't much.
WILD BILL
Yeehoo!
INT. BARN
WILD BILL
All right, folks! Choose your partners and don't be shy,
Then form your squares and wink your eye!
Bow to your partner and swing him around,
Swing him back and don't sit down!
LADY JAYE
This is definitely not for me.
ALPINE
It's not for them, either.
LADY JAYE
Wanna find out why?
ALPINE
Sure. Anything to get away from Wild Bill's warbling.
EXT. BARN - NIGHT
WILD BILL (O.C.)
Bow to your partner, bow to your gal!
Do-si-do with a great big smile!
LADY JAYE
Follow the ranch hands. I'll look in on the Joads.
EXT. LOCO TORO - NIGHT
ALPINE
Bazooka, I don't like it out here.
BAZOOKA
Dark.
ZARTAN
That should be better.
ALPINE
Zartan and his Dreadnoks!
BAZOOKA
Trouble!
EXT. UNDERGROUND BASE - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
Where's the light coming from?
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
With the control chip, Cobra's destructive power is equal to that of the sun.
DESTRO
Hard to believe that something so small could command a satellite orbiting. hundreds of miles above us.
COBRA COMMANDER
Quite. Observe the power that is ours to command.
COBRA COMMANDER
We can direct the solar satellite's microwave beam anywhere. Just as with this model.
COBRA COMMANDER
I am the new fire department. If they don't pay, I start fires.
DESTRO
How much do you think they will pay?
COBRA COMMANDER
Fire insurance is expensive, Destro. I would say billions! Billions!
COBRA COMMANDER
You're not one of my people.
COBRA COMMANDER
Destro, quickly! An intruder!
DESTRO
Good! There's just one Joe left.
EXT. LOCO TORO - NIGHT
WILD BILL
I can't rightly remember when I've had a nicer time, Mary Belle.
MARY BELLE
Look at the stars. They're beautiful.
WILD BILL
The West Texas sky. Yep, that's a mighty pretty sight. Reminds me of home. But, uh, back home I never had me a pretty lady like you, Mary Belle...Mary Belle?
WILD BILL
Mary Belle, why don't you...Baroness!
BARONESS
At your service, y'all.
WILD BILL
Well, that's very persuasive.
ZARTAN
Baroness, Cobra Commander sent me to see if you need any help.
WILD BILL
That's mighty kind of you, son! Mighty kind.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
NASA's been gettin' some weird telemetry off Solar Power Satellite Number One. They think it's tied in with that West Texas dude ranch Lady Jaye's investigatin'.
SCARLETT
Any word from Lady Jaye, Breaker?
BREAKER
I tried raisin' her, but the frequency's bein' jammed by...now what?
COBRA COMMANDER
This is Cobra Commander. You have twelve hours to pay Cobra an insurance premium of one billion dollars in gold bullion, or a city will be burned. For every hour that the premium payment is delayed, an additional city will be eliminated. And if you doubt Cobra has the power to carry out this threat, the demonstration I have devised for your viewing pleasure should reassure you.
SCARLETT
That's the Golden Gate Bridge!
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Whoa!
COBRA COMMANDER
Twelve hours!
FLINT
Let's check out that dude ranch on the double!
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. LOCO TORO - PRE-DAWN
DESTRO (V.O.)
Perimeter defense sensors indicate G. I. Joe troops moving in from the northeast.
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
Let them come, Destro.
COBRA COMMANDER
Nothing can touch us here. We have the weapon of the century! And NASA developed it for us at their cost!
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
FLINT
Recondo, what's the word?
RECONDO
All clear, Flint. Maybe too clear. Not a person in sight.
FLINT
They've gotta know we're here. Let's give 'em an education. Move out!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, just a little closer. A little more. Now!
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
COVER GIRL
What the....
COVER GIRL
How am I gonna fix that?
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
BUZZER
Think he'll give us a turn?
ZARTAN
Get serious.
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
ACE
Flint, this is Ace. We're making our run.
FLINT
Cobra's got some kind of laser defensive screen! You can't....
ACE
Ace to Flint, I seem to have run into a problem, literally!
SCARLETT
Scarlett to air group, peel off! Regroup!
FLINT
Recondo! How'd you get across?
RECONDO
That laser beam's great for big targets, Flint, but when it comes to somethin' smaller....
FLINT
Yeah, it's like using an elephant gun to swat flies.
COVER GIRL
So how do we get smaller?
FLINT
We go in on foot.
ROADBLOCK
Now you're talkin'.
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
What are they doing?
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
INT. UNDERGROUND BASE
DESTRO
Destroy them!
COBRA COMMANDER
I can't pinpoint small targets!
DESTRO
Counter-attack!
EXT. LOCO TORO - DAWN
FLINT
We need our mobile heavy artillery.
COVER GIRL
But we'll never get it past that big solar satellite beam.
WILD BILL (O.C.)
Yeehoo!
FLINT AND COVER GIRL
Yahoo?
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! Yah! Yah! C'mon, move out now!, etc.
BUZZER
Stampede!
ZARTAN
Stop them!
DESTRO
What a crude form of weaponry!
BARONESS
No, Destro!
FLINT AND COVER GIRL
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Wild Bill!
WILD BILL
Howdy, pardners!
BARONESS
Let me out!
DESTRO
Get out of my way!
WILD BILL
Pardon me, pardners! There's a lady I wanna talk with!
WILD BILL
Come on out, or I'm comin' in!
WILD BILL
That has to be the most newfangled sanitation system I ever saw!
COBRA COMMANDER
Hurry, you fools!
FLINT
Let's get 'em!
DESTRO
I told you there were holes in this plan to begin with?
COBRA COMMANDER
Foiled by a cattle stampede! A cattle stampede! I can't believe it! But I'll be back!
INT. BARN
LADY JAYE
What kept you?
FLINT
Oh, just a little cattle stampede.
WILD BILL
And that's no bull!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
WILD BILL
Ah, pretty night. Almost as pretty as a West Texas gal.
WILD BILL
Aw heck, Timber. I shoulda known she weren't no Texas peach. She was just too sweet. Anyone from Texas knows we grow our peaches sassy!

THE FUNHOUSE

2008-12-23T16:45:00.001-08:00

EXT. LAB IN SWAMP - NIGHT
INT. LAB
DR. HIBBENTROPE [Chris Latta]
Closer...back a bit. Oh, blast it! Where did you go, you little microbe? Ah, there you are. Amazing! Simply amazing?
ZARTAN (O.C.)
Doctor Hibbentrope?
DR. HIBBENTROPE
Yes, yes? Can't you see I'm busy? The sign on the door says, "Do not enter."
ZARTAN
Now, doctor. I can see that you're busy, but I think it's time for you to take a little nap.
ZARTAN
Sleep tight, my good doctor. No one will bother you now.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
FLINT
A botanist, a biologist, two astronomers, a geologist. Why is Cobra kidnapping all of these scientists?
ALPINE
Maybe they're just collecting scientists like, um...
BAZOOKA
Baseball cards.
FLINT
Maybe. Anyone care to guess what Cobra's gonna do when they complete their set?
BREAKER
Somethin's comin' in.
FLINT
If it's Cobra, trace it, Breaker.
COBRA COMMANDER
Greetings, Joe Team. You no doubt know what I have chosen to speak with you about.
FLINT
Get on with it, Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
I will be terse, Flint. If I do not receive sixty billion dollars, you will never see the scientists again.
FLINT
Kidnapping? You've hit a new low, Commander.
LADY JAYE
Where do you expect us to get sixty billion dollars?
ALPINE
Relax, guys. We'll just put it on my credit card. I never leave home....
COBRA COMMANDER
Enough of this foolishness! Lest you think I am not serious, watch this!
DR. HIBBENTROPE
Please, G. I. Joe, do something! You must help me! You must!
COBRA COMMANDER
Joes, you have one day to come up with the money, or....
BREAKER
I traced the transmission. It's coming from South America.
LADY JAYE
It's too easy. I've got a bad feeling about this.
GUNG-HO
Yeah. It's too pat.
FLINT
I agree. We need volunteers for our strike team.
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN TEMPLE - DAY
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
G. I. Joe is doomed, thanks to you, "Doctor Hibbentrope."
ZARTAN
You know, there will be an extra charge for my acting services.
BARONESS
You venal mercenary, your acting couldn't get you onto a soap opera.
COBRA COMMANDER
Silence. His stunning performance is well worth the money. It will buy me the greatest luxury there is: revenge.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
ACE
Stay low to keep under Cobra radar. The base is comin' up fast. There it is! Let's tell our friends we're here!
WILD BILL
This is just like cleanin' a stable back home!
JOES
Yo Joe!
ALPINE
I've been itchin' for a good fight all day!
BAZOOKA
Itching? Oh, boy!
FLINT
Bazooka, we need some support here!
BAZOOKA
You got it!
FLINT
They're falling back!
JOES
Yo Joe!
FLINT
I don't like to fight unarmed soldiers, so here, take my gun!
GUNG-HO
Get off my back!
GUNG-HO
And stay off it!
DUSTY
I usually don't drop in unexpectedly, but this time I'll make an exception.
BAZOOKA
Darn it, swallowed my gum. Now I'm mad! One! Two! Three!
BAZOOKA
Oh, my trigger finger.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
ALPINE
What a bunch of wimps. We oughta get home in time for dinner.
FLINT
Don't count on it. This is just the hors d'oeuvre. The main course won't be served 'til we visit those snakes inside their temple.
LADY JAYE
And find those scientists.
FLINT
Zap, you got a key?
ZAP
Yeah, and it'll fit perfectly.
ZAP
Nothing better than a good kaboom to open up closed doors, eh, Flint?
FLINT
Yeah. I'm glad you left some building to enter. Zap, wait out here for Gung-Ho and the support team. The rest of you, come with me.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - MAIN CORRIDOR
LADY JAYE
Do you get the feeling that no one's home?
FLINT
You could be right. Wait a second.
ALPINE
I don't like this. This is a trap.
ALPINE
Hey! My gun!
FLINT
A magnetic field! It's a trap!
ALPINE
What'd I tell you?
COBRA COMMANDER
Welcome to my funhouse!
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, welcome to my funhouse!
DUSTY
Stuff it, snake face!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
Despite your rudeness, I offer you a sporting chance.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - MAIN CORRIDOR
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Three doors, three choices. Two of them lead to dead ends.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - MAIN CORRIDOR
FLINT
What about the third one?
COBRA COMMANDER
It leads you to me.
ALPINE
Then all the doors are losers.
COBRA COMMANDER
You are beginning to try my patience! Before I forget, I feel obliged to tell you that this entire island is a bomb, and the only way to disarm it is here in the control booth.
FLINT
Then why don't you save us some trouble and disarm it yourself?
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
And ruin my fun? Surely you jest.
BARONESS
Take no chances, Commander. Destroy them now!
ZARTAN
Let him take as long as he likes. I am paid by the hour.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - MAIN CORRIDOR
FLINT
Look, our best chance to get through this is to split up. Dusty, Airtight, you take the door on the left. Alpine, Bazooka, you get the one on the right. Lady Jaye and I'll go for the one in the middle.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LEFT CORRIDOR
DUSTY
It's empty. Maybe we picked the right corridor.
AIRTIGHT
If there is a right corridor.
DUSTY
What the hey? What is this, New Year's Eve?
AIRTIGHT
Yeah, it's party time!
DUSTY
Well, I always thought he was an airhead.
AIRTIGHT
Don't break that balloon!
DUSTY
Stay back!
AIRTIGHT AS COBRA COMMANDER
What's wrong? I'm just trying to save you.
DUSTY
Get away from me, you snake!
AIRTIGHT
Snake? What the heck's happenin' to you, buddy?
AIRTIGHT AS COBRA COMMANDER
The gas from the balloon has you hallucinating.
AIRTIGHT
Trust me. I didn't breathe it, so I'm not affected.
DUSTY
Lies! You've had it, snake!
AIRTIGHT
I hate to do this, but....
AIRTIGHT
Sleep tight, ol' pal. I'll be back for you after I kick some snake butt.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
ALPINE
How come Flint always picks Lady Jaye to go with him and I always get you?
ALPINE
Whoa! What the heck is that?
BAZOOKA
Funny.
ALPINE
Funny isn't the word for it.
ROBOT (in Cobra Commander's voice)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the Cobra Express. Step aboard, my good friends. Step aboard. You're in for the ride of your life.
ALPINE
After you.
BAZOOKA
Thanks.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ENTRANCE
GUNG-HO
Come on, Zap. Hurry it up, will you? We haven't got all day.
ZAP
I'm goin' as fast as I can! These aren't firecrackers.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
The good part is just beginning.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
BAZOOKA
Over already?
ALPINE
Yeaah! We're in a shootin' gallery! We're sitting ducks! That's the last time I ever listen to you!
BAZOOKA
Oh, no!
ALPINE
You stupid bozo, what'd you let yourself get hit for? All right, Commander! This isn't a game anymore! I'm playin' for keeps!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LEFT CORRIDOR
AIRTIGHT
Whoa! What have we here?
AIRTIGHT
I always thought he was a clown.
AIRTIGHT
This guy's definitely not playin' with a full deck of cards!
AIRTIGHT
Okay, so you got a new weapon!
AIRTIGHT
Oh no, not again!
AIRTIGHT
Whoa! This is serious!
AIRTIGHT
Time to make life a fast ball!
AIRTIGHT
Safe at second!
AIRTIGHT
Uh-oh. This isn't my day.
AIRTIGHT
This guy wants to throw me out at the plate!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
You see, Baroness? They aren't so tough after all.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
ALPINE
Man, this floor's like glass, and this duct could use some light!
ALPINE
What is this, the pro bowler's tour?
ALPINE
Talk about inflated egos!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Eleven! I got eleven! That's even better than a strike!
ZARTAN
Now there are only two Joes left.
BARONESS
What about the Joes outside the door?
ZARTAN
They don't matter. They'll never get through in time to save their comrades.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ENTRANCE
ZAP
It's ready to blow. Everybody hit the deck!
GUNG-HO
It's still there!
ZAP
I'll use a little more grease.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CENTRAL CORRIDOR
LADY JAYE
Not that I'm complaining, but so far this has been a breeze.
FLINT
That's what worries me. What's that?
LADY JAYE
Sounds like...marching tin cans.
FLINT
And they're ugly, too.
LADY JAYE
Let's stomp on 'em.
LADY JAYE
I can't get a clear shot at yours!
FLINT
That's good shooting!
FLINT
Lady Jaye!
FLINT
Lady Jaye, are you all right?
FLINT
I can't get a pulse.
FLINT
Lady Jaye!
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
So, Flint. You're the only one left.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
BARONESS
Let's get it over with?
ZARANA
What's the hurry? The Commander is having fun.
BARONESS
I forgot. You're paid by the hour.
COBRA COMMANDER
Silence! I want to watch him squirm!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CENTRAL CORRIDOR
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Get up, you blundering bunch of idiots, or I'll send you all to the scrap-iron heap!
FLINT
Looks like it's time for a game of hide-and-seek.
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Go! After him! Don't let him get away!
FLINT
Three down, three left, Commander.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Destroy him!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CENTRAL CORRIDOR
FLINT
Your robots are lousy shots, Commander! Did you program 'em yourself?
FLINT
Come on, Commander! You try and get me!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
Never mind. I'll come and get you!
COBRA COMMANDER
As you wish.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
BARONESS
Now what do you have to say, Zartan?
ZARTAN
Watch your tongue while you still have it! However, she might have a point, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
It's time to depart when I say it's time!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ENTRANCE
ZAP
If this doesn't work, I'm going back to selling insurance. Let's go!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
The game is over, Cobra Commander. Make it easy on yourself and surrender!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Surrender? Never! Your friends will not find you in time!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
These guys are getting old, Commander.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
Now that they have his attention, it's time to say good-bye to our resourceful friend!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
Nice shooting, Commander!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
COBRA COMMANDER
I am sick of you, Flint. In moments you will be converted to subatomic particles. The bomb is now activated!
ZARTAN
You see, Baroness? Victory has been at our fingertips all along.
BARONESS
Perhaps, but we have wasted time!
COBRA COMMANDER
Silence!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ARENA OF SPORT
FLINT
Time is running out, Commander!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - ESCAPE TUNNEL
COBRA COMMANDER
I think we must be going. In only a matter of moments, I will be rid of G. I. Joe forever!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Flint? Flint!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CENTRAL CORRIDOR
FLINT (COMM.)
I'm in the control room. The whole place is about to blow and I can't disarm the bomb.
LADY JAYE
Isn't there a scrub switch?
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CONTROL BOOTH
FLINT
There's a switch, but it isn't marked.
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
Flip it!
FLINT
It's a reset switch!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - CORRIDORS
FLINT (COMM.)
Attention, all Joes! We've got three minutes to get outta here!
ZAP
You heard the man, move!
COMPUTER
Self Destruct!
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LEFT CORRIDOR
FLINT
I hope you're light, pal.
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - RIGHT CORRIDOR
ALPINE
Come on, pal. It's fourth quarter, two seconds, and we've got ninety-nine yards to go!
LADY JAYE
I don't know where we're going....
AIRTIGHT
But anywhere's an improvement.
LADY JAYE
Next stop, outdoors!
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - DAY
LADY JAYE
Head for the SkyStrikers!
EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN COAST - DAY
GUNG-HO
Flint's never gonna make it.
LADY JAYE
Flint, no!
FLINT
Joe team, this is Flint! Our work isn't done yet!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
COBRA COMMANDER
You see? You see?
ZARTAN
I never doubted your plan for a moment, unlike the Baroness.
BARONESS
Quiet, mercenary!
COBRA COMMANDER
I now possess the world's greatest scientific minds. There is no limit to the power I will possess. Nothing can stop Cobra now!
EXT. COBRA BASE - DAY
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
COBRA COMMANDER
This can't be!
EXT. COBRA BASE - DAY
JOES
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Flint to group, follow me in! And good hunting!
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
COBRA COMMANDER
This is impossible!
BARONESS
It won't be long before the Joes crack our defenses. May I suggest a swift departure while our necks are still intact?
COBRA COMMANDER
That, Baroness, is a sensible suggestion. Zartan, prepare the Rattlers for immediate departure. Zartan?
ZARTAN
Ready your own!
EXT. COBRA BASE - DAY
FLINT
We're gettin' to 'em, boys! Let's hit 'em with the old one-two!
WILD BILL
Time to clean up, folks!
INT. COBRA BASE
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
ALPINE
Unless you wanna be turned into snake sandwiches, you better drop those weapons.
INT. COBRA BASE - RATTLER HANGAR
COBRA COMMANDER
I will have revenge!
INT. COBRA BASE - COMMAND CENTER
DR. HIBBENTROPE
Thank you. Thank you all! But how did you manage to find us?
FLINT
Cobra Commander intended to use you as bait in a trap he was setting for us. We were suspicious, so we put Wild Bill on the lookout for any planes that left the island. Sure enough, Cobra Commander flew the coop, and we followed him right to the fortress.
ALPINE
Flint sure likes to talk a lot, doesn't he?
FLINT
What? What was that you said?
ALPINE
Uh, we were just discussing whether....
LADY JAYE
So, does someone here want to take me for a stroll on a moonlit beach?
BAZOOKA
Sure!
BAZOOKA
Hey!
ALPINE
Please excuse my friend here. I'll take you.
FLINT
You do and you'll be scrubbin' bathrooms for a week.
ALPINE
On second thought, why don't you take her, Bazooka?
BAZOOKA
No way.
LADY JAYE
You sure know how to keep a girl single.
FLINT
That's right. She sees right through me.

THE VIPER IS COMING

2008-12-23T16:44:00.001-08:00

EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY
INT. FIREHOUSE
SCARLETT
You did a great job renovating this old firehouse, Barbecue. I, uh, hope it's still standing after the party.
BARBECUE
Yeah, but it's too neat. I want to antique it a little.
BARBECUE
Hope my flameburger's hot enough for ya.
SCARLET
It sure is, if you like boiled punch.
GREENSHIRTS
Get the ball! Watch it! We've got him outnumbered! Keep him from the basket!, etc.
ROADBLOCK
Block me in, you gonna lose your skin!
LADY JAYE
I don't believe I've ever seen this dance before.
FOOTLOOSE
Alpine, are you sure this is gonna work?
ALPINE
Trust me, Footloose. I'll make a climber out of you even if it kills you.
FOOTLOOSE
What?
GREENSHIRT [Frank Welker]
Okay, we've got him cornered! Now get the ball!
ROADBLOCK
I'm burnin' to give you some learnin'!
GREENSHIRTS
Ouch! Ow! Hey! Watch it!, etc.
ROADBLOCK
Oops!
BARBECUE
Guess I won't be needin' that window cleaned.
ALPINE
Uh-oh.
SCARLETT
Yikes!
BARBECUE
Well, looks like my party's a success.
BARBECUE
Hello?
THE VIPER (PHONE)
Mister Barbecue? This is the Viper.
BARBECUE
The Viper? I couldna heard ya right.
THE VIPER (PHONE)
The Viper is coming. Five seventy-five.
SCARLETT
Barbecue, who was it?
BARBECUE
Some guy who says he's the Viper.
LADY JAYE
Well, what did he say?
BARBECUE
"The Viper is coming. Five seventy-five."
SCARLETT
That's it?
BARBECUE
To the word.
ROADBLOCK
You think it's a message from Cobra?
SCARLETT
Got to be!
GUNG-HO
A code?
SCARLETT
It's a challenge. They're telling us where their next big attack will be.
ROADBLOCK
But they think we won't figure out the code in time.
LADY JAYE
But why would they take the chance?
SCARLETT
I don't know. Burn it back to Headquarters, guys.
BARBECUE
And don't forget to take a burger with ya!
BARBECUE
Hey! How 'bout leavin' one for the chef?
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
SCARLETT (V.O.)
"The Viper is coming. Five seventy-five."
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BARBECUE
What if those are the latitude and longitude?
LADY JAYE
Hmm. Let's see. Five degrees East, seventy-five degrees South.
BARBECUE
Antarctica!
LADY JAYE
Barbecue, I think you've got it.
BARBECUE
Oh, naturally it would have to be the South Pole. They must know how I hate cold weather.
EXT. ANTARCTICA - DAY
SCARLETT
Chock full of nothing!
ROADBLOCK
What can Cobra attack down here?
BARBECUE
Whatever it is, they can have it.
ALPINE
Footloose, what's that up ahead?
FOOTLOOSE
Uh, just a rock.
ALPINE
It'll look great in my collection.
FOOTLOOSE
What makes you think so? Doesn't look like much here.
ALPINE
You got a point. But after comin' all this way, I wanna go back with somethin'.
ALPINE
What?
SCARLETT
What the...
INT. COBRA R & R BASE - ELEVATOR
GUNG-HO
...devil is goin' on here?
LADY JAYE
I've got a feeling...
BARBECUE
We're in big trouble.
INT. COBRA R & R BASE - LOBBY
ROBOT
Welcome....
BARBECUE
What's this?
GUNG-HO
Hold it right there.
ROBOT
...to the Cobra Rest and Recreation Base Number Three. Volleyball, table tennis, and swimming are available in the Cobra Commander Gymnasium. Lunch will be served in the Destro Dining. The floor show starts promptly at seven thirty P.M. in the Zartan Entertainment Center. Tonight we feature the Cobra Cuties. Enjoy your stay. Oh, and no tipping, please.
INT. COBRA R & R BASE - GYMNASIUM
LADY JAYE
So this is the Cobra Commander Gymnasium.
GUNG-HO
Uh-oh.
BARBECUE
Volleyball, anyone?
LADY JAYE
Barbecue, this is getting heavy!
BARBECUE
No question about it, I'm not joinin' this gym!
LADY JAYE
I don't know. We're getting a pretty good workout!
COBRA
Get those Joes!
BARBECUE
We need to give ourselves a little advantage.
BARBECUE
Time for a bath, you eels!
EXT. COBRA R & R BASE - LOBBY
RECREATION DIRECTOR [Michael Bell?]
There must be more Joes up topside!
EXT. COBRA R & R BASE - DAY
SCARLETT
Firebats!
ROADBLOCK
Guess it's time to tame the flame!
SNOW SERPENT
Snowpedoes! Let's split!
SCARLETT
Ace, do you read me, Ace? We're up to our goggles in Snow Serpents!
ACE
Read you, Scarlett. Pest removal is on the way!
INT. COBRA R & R BASE - GYMNASIUM
BARBECUE
This sofa ain't much, but at least it's fireproof!
LADY JAYE
Too bad it's not laser proof!
EXT. COBRA R & R BASE - DAY
ACE
Uh-oh. Looks like Cobra's dealin' from the bottom of the deck!
ACE
I'll cash in their chips. You guys give the Snow Serpents the royal flush.
SCARLETT
Get 'em, Joes!
ALPINE
I'll take that! Wouldn't want you to hurt yourself!
ACE
Cobra just went bust.
SCARLETT
Gung-Ho, Barbecue, and Lady Jaye are down there somewhere. Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA R & R BASE - GYMNASIUM
SCARLETT
Cobra! Drop your weapons!
BARBECUE
Glad you guys could make it.
SCARLETT
Five seventy-five. So the message made sense, but the situation doesn't.
ROADBLOCK
What do you mean, Scarlett?
SCARLETT
Think about it, guys. Why would Cobra send us a message that leads us right to one of their own R & R bases?
RECREATION DIRECTOR
Send you a message? I would never send you a message, you...you spoilsports!
EXT. FIREHOUSE - DAY
BARBECUE (V.O.)
But if Cobra didn't send that message, then who did?
INT. FIREHOUSE
SCARLETT
The Viper did.
BARBECUE
Yeah, but who's the Viper?
SCARLETT
You're asking me?
BARBECUE
Yes?
THE VIPER (PHONE)
This is the Viper. I come on Friday, west corner.
EXT. WETS POINT - PARADE
ROADBLOCK
West Point, the US Military Academy. But why are we pickin' this place out?
SCARLETT
Well, the Viper said "west corner," and corner could mean point.
ROADBLOCK
You know, I'm not sure whether there's more brass in the bands or in the stands.
SCARLETT
The brass in the stands is what worries me. They'd sure make a tempting target for Cobra. We've gotta warn the tank jockeys.
SCARLETT
Commander....
SCARLETT
Major Bludd!
MAJ. BLUDD
Start the attack! Get Senator Roberts and General Grant! They'll make mighty good hostages for Cobra.
JOES
Yo Joe!
FOOTLOOSE
We gotta cut 'em off from the bleachers!
MAJ. BLUDD
Cobra!
MAJ. BLUDD
Bloody dogs! Blow the Joes to smithereens!
ROADBLOCK
Footloose, get me next to the lead tank!
FOOTLOOSE
You got it!
SCARLETT
Form a circle around the tanks!
MAJ. BLUDD
Now I know how Custer felt!
SCARLETT
Footloose, look out!
COBRA
Tough luck, my beauty.
SCARLETT
Oh, look out behind you!
COBRA
You expect me to fall for that old gag?
SCARLETT
Good work, cadet! Thanks!
CADET
Our pleasure, ma'am.
ROADBLOCK
How we doin' here, Footloose?
FOOTLOOSE
We ain't gonna be doin' nothin' if we don't get some help fast!
SCARLETT (in a Southern accent)
Hey, big boy!
CADET
Wow, that's some kinda soldier.
CADETS
Yo Joe!
ROADBLOCK
Lay down your weapons, Cobra!
COBRA OFFICER
Never! It'd take ten of you to every one of us!
SCARLETT
Would you believe fifty to one?
MAJ. BLUDD
Time to exit, I believe.
SCARLETT
It's all over, Cobras. You can't win. You're outnumbered. We'll give you five seconds to surrender.
SCARLETT
One...two...three...four...five!
COBRA #1
We give up!
COBRA #2
We surrender!
COBRA #3
Don't shoot!
EXT. FIREHOUSE - SUNSET
INT. FIREHOUSE
SCARLETT
This day has been too much! Let me rest my feet for a minute. Then I'm going straight home and right to bed.
SCARLETT
Well, aren't you gonna get it?
BARBECUE
Don't look at me. I've had it with phones today.
SCARLETT
Hello.
THE VIPER (PHONE)
The Viper is coming tomorrow. Top floor first.
SCARLETT
Who are you?
THE VIPER (PHONE)
The Viper. I am the Viper. Bye.
BARBECUE
Well?
SCARLETT
We've gotta go back to Headquarters. The Viper strikes again.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SUNSET
SCARLETT
Come in, Wild Bill. Do you read me? Over!
WILD BILL
Loud and clear, Scarlett! I got this here Extensive Enterprises tower scoped out. But from where I sit, she's mighty peaceful.
BARBECUE
What do you think, Scarlett? The Viper only said "top floor first." He didn't say which top floor, or which building.
SCARLETT
Well, the Extensive tower is the tallest building in the world. So there's no top floor that'll top that one.
BARBECUE
Guess it's worth takin' a look inside.
SCARLETT
Back us up, Roadblock.
ROADBLOCK
You got it.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - TOP FLOOR
DESTRO
The Joes are intercepting our every move! This Viper must be tipping them off! You, Major Bludd are the most likely candidate.
MAJ. BLUDD
Me, the Viper? Do you realize how close I came to bein' captured by those G. I. Joe blokes?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) He can't be (T) the Viper. (X) Blood's been with us (T) constantly for the (X) last twenty-four hours!
DESTRO
Say nothing more, or I will suspect you, too.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T and X) Oh, come now. (X) Do you have any idea (T) of all the man hours involved in (X) financing, (T) planning, (T and X) and building a new Cobra R & R center? (T) Why would we tell the Joes where we are located?
COBRA
We're surrounded by G. I. Joes!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) The Viper (X) has struck again!
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SUNSET
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - LOBBY
SCARLETT
So far, so good.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - ELEVATOR
BARBECUE
Let's see what's on this top floor.
SCARLETT
Look!
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SUNSET
BREAKER
Something's gone wrong.
ROADBLOCK
Let's go!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - LOBBY
ZARTAN
Hello, Joes!
ROADBLOCK
Roadblock to Wild Bill! We have entered the building and....
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SUNSET
WILD BILL
Come back., Roadblock! Your transmission was garbled!
WILD BILL
Oh, dangit! Where'd he come from?
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - ELEVATOR
DESTRO
Well, if isn't little Scarlett O'Hara!
SCARLETT (in a Southern accent)
Why Destro, I do declare! Don't tell me you're the little ol' Viper!
DESTRO
No. I am not the Viper. But we will soon find out who is. Disarm these foolish G I Joes!
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SUNSET
WILD BILL
Surprise!
WILD BILL
Dangit! Another one!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - TOP FLOOR
DESTRO
The time has come to get to the bottom of this Viper business.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SUNSET
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - TOP FLOOR
DESTRO
This little game will now come to an end!
DESTRO
Drop that weapon!
XAMOT
My hand!
SCARLETT
Barbecue! Snake-Eyes! Over here!
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SUNSET
ALPINE
Come on, Footloose. We've gotta get up there some time this week!
FOOTLOOSE
I'm comin'. I'm comin'.
ALPINE
Well, move it, or we're gonna be street pizzas in no time flat.
ALPINE
Here comes a rerun!
ALPINE
Uh-oh.
COBRA
Bye-bye, G. I. Joe!
WILD BILL
Hey, you guys need a lift?
FOOTLOOSE
No thanks, Wild Bill! We got everything under...
FOOTLOOSE
...control!
WILD BILL
Yeah, I guess you do!
ALPINE
Onward and upward!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - TOP FLOOR
SCARLETT
Barbecue, this is getting serious!
BARBECUE
Yeah, we could use a little help!
FOOTLOOSE
All you had to do was ask!
XAMOT
The escape shaft, quick!
MAJ. BLUDD
All right, let's pack it in!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - LOBBY
GREENSHIRTS
Yo Joe!
COBRA
Zartan, we're outnumbered! We must surrender!
ZARTAN
Surrender? Zartan never surrenders!
COBRA
Yeah, well that's easy for you to say. We give up! We're through!
ROADBLOCK
All right, enough! They've had it!
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SUNSET
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - TOP FLOOR
SCARLETT
Well, what's he got to say?
BARBECUE
Nothin' he doesn't know who the Viper is.
ROADBLOCK
Destro and Major Bludd don't know.
BARBECUE
And the Twins don't know, either.
SCARLETT
I'm beginning to wonder if the Viper even knows who he is.
EXT. FIREHOUSE - SUNRISE
INT. FIREHOUSE
BARBECUE
Hello?
THE VIPER (PHONE)
This is the Viper. I be there at noon today. Be ready.
EXT. FIREHOUSE - NOON
SCARLETT
Twelve noon, straight up.
ROADBLOCK
Look!
THE VIPER
Mister Barbecue?
BARBECUE
I'm Barbecue.
THE VIPER
I'm the Viper. I've come to vipe your vindows. Five seventy-five an hour. I start on west corner, top floor first.

THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT

2008-12-23T16:43:00.001-08:00

INT. SCIENCE LAB
PROFESSOR BULLOCK
Gentlemen, you're seeing history in the making.
BAZOOKA
History?
ALPINE
Yeah. He just invented the world's biggest Roman candle.
BAZOOKA
Really?
BARBECUE
This is an important ecological experimentation, Alpine. Let me show you.
BARBECUE
Professor Bullock has developed a nitrogen-based fuel that doesn't leave a trace of pollution. And as you can see, it, uh, gets more miles to the gallon.
BULLOCK
Now, if you're finished, I have work to do!
BARBECUE
What's eatin' him?
INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET
CRIMSON GUARD 9 [Corey Burton?]
This is Crimson Guard Nine. Come in, Cobra HQ.
EXT. COBRA DESERT BASE - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
Come in, Number Nine. This is Cobra Commander. Have you got the fuel?
INT. COBRA DESERT BASE - COMMAND CENTER
CRIMSON GUARD 9 (COMM.)
It's heavily guarded. The G. I. Joes are....
INT. JANITOR'S CLOSET
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
No excuses! Just do it!
INT. SCIENCE LAB
BULLOCK
The fuel is still too unstable to allow outside the lab. We don't know how it might react in a real environment. And until we do, the fuel must be kept at a constant temperature.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I hope I'm not disturbin' you. I've just come to clean up things a bit.
BULLOCK
How did you get past security? This is a classified area.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Huh? Oh, no.
BULLOCK
You imbecile!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I'm sorry, Professor. I'll have that cleaned up right away.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I'm really sorry!
ALPINE
Hold it right there, buddy!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
No, you hold it!
ALPINE
Get that guy!
WILD BILL
Give it up, buckaroo! The barn door's locked, and there ain't no other way out!
BULLOCK
You must be out of your mind! I'm reporting you to your supervisor!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Good luck, Professor. My supervisor's Cobra!
ALPINE
Cobra?
ALPINE
Let me guess. You always wanted to join the circus, right?
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Welcome to the act, clown!
ALPINE
Exactly where do you expect this to get you?
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Out!
BAZOOKA
No way!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Here's some trash for your can, dino-brain!
BAZOOKA
Gotcha!
BAZOOKA
Don't gotcha.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Considerate of your friend, making an exit for me!
EXT. SCIENCE LAB - DAY
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Ho ho, Joe!
ALPINE
Come on, let's get 'em!
ALPINE
Well, watcha waitin' for, an invitation from the White House?
WILD BILL
Hey, my mama didn't raise no mountain goats.
ALPINE
Can't tell it by looin'.
BARBECUE
We'll meet you at the bottom.
ALPINE
Suit yourself.
BAZOOKA
Uh, wait up.
ALPINE
No, Bazooka!
BAZOOKA
That...that was easy.
WILD BILL
Well, you sure 'nuff beat us down here. Did you get the bad guy?
ALPINE
No.
WILD BILL
Yeah, them Cobra's are slipperier than new soap. Hop in.
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
CRIMSON GUARD 9
G. I. Joe!
INT. GREENHOUSE
CRIMSON GUARD 9
That was close.
INT. LATHROP HOUSE
HARVEY LATHROP [Corey Burton?]
Believe me, officer. I know the difference between an intruder and a banana plant, especially my own banana plant.
HARVEY
What do you mean "real emergency"? It can't be half as bad as what I've got!
INT. GREENHOUSE
POLICE OFFICER #1
Well, whaddya know? Harvey actually had an intruder!
POLICE OFFICER #2
Yeah. That breaks his record of a hundred and eighty-seven false alarms.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Okay, fella. Just come with us.
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Thanks for the workout, guys.
HARVEY
Forgive me, baby, but I had to do it. He's obviously after my secret plant food formula.
HARVEY
Thank you for your swift attention, officer. I don't even know what I'd have done without you.
POLICE OFFICER #1
Yeah. Don't mention it.
POLICE OFFICER #2
Please don't mention it!
HARVEY
The bad man is gone now, children. But if he comes back, I'll be here to protect you. Nothing will stop you from growing big and strong! You'll be the hit of the county fair, and I'll make a fortune selling my Super-Grr-oh! Plant Food. And no one will laugh at Harvey Lathrop again!
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
EXT. LOCAL JAIL - DAY
INT. LOCAL JAIL - CELL
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) You were arrested for (X) assaulting two policemen. (T) How could you (X) be so stupid?
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I didn't have much choice, did I? Cobra....
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Shh!
CRIMSON GUARD 9
Cobra Commander wouldn't have been very happy if I'd lost that fuel canister.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Exactly where is (X) the rocket fuel canister (T and X) now?
CRIMSON GUARD 9
I stashed it in some guy's greenhouse.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) But there must be (X) a thousand greenhouses in this town! (T) Wait, I've got a (X) marvelous idea. (T) We blanket the city with (X) Crimson Guards dressed like normal people. (T) We'll find the canister (X) in no time. (T and X) Brilliant!
EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
GREENHOUSE OWNER [Michael Bell]
Whatcha doin', Missy?
CRIMSON GUARD POLLSTER
Just taking a census! You have just the one greenhouse, sir?
GREENHOUSE OWNER
Any fool can see that!
CRIMSON GUARD POLLSTER
Do you grow banana plants in pots?
GREENHOUSE OWNER
I sure do. And I can buy 'em at the county fair tomorrow. Now get!
HOMEMAKER
No, we don't grow banana plants in our greenhouse, but I'd still like a free copy of your magazine.
CRIMSON GUARD SALESMAN
Ah, forget it.
RESPONSIBLE BUSINESSMAN
No, you cannot "sack out in my greenhouse among my potted banana plants."
INT. HOUSE - DOORWAY
RESPONSIBLE BUSINESS
Sleeping with banana plants? Geez, must be from California.
EXT. COBRA DESERT BASE - NIGHT
INT. COBRA DESERT BASE - THRONE ROOM
DESTRO
None of the Crimson Guard troopers have been able to locate the fuel sample yet.
COBRA COMMANDER
This is your fault, Destro! I would now have the fuel in my possession if not for your bungling!
DESTRO
You're foaming at the mouth again, Cobra Commander. I wasn't even there.
COBRA COMMANDER
You should've been, Destro. You should've been!
DESTRO
Very well. I will find the sample myself and return with it before the sun sets on another day. Anything to get away from your lunatic ravings.
EXT. GREENHOUSE - NIGHT
HARVEY
Wow! I did it! I did it! I've invented a super plant food! This could get me on a big-time TV talk show! Starting tomorrow, no one will be laughing at Harvey Lathrop anymore!
HARVEY
Sleep well, babies. The county fair is tomorrow.
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY
HARVEY
And this is nothing, folks! This is peanuts! In fact, you should see what Harvey's Super-Grr-oh! Plant Food does for peanuts!
SKEPTIC [Frank Welker]
It looks like a banana, but what's it taste like?
HARVEY
Come sample for yourself. Well, don't be bashful! There's plenty for everyone.
SKEPTIC
Hey! Get this thing off me! Somebody, get this thing off!
CROWD
Let's get outta here!, etc.
EXT. CITY ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL (COMM.)
Break off the search. Somethin' funny's goin' on over at the county fair.
ALPINE
What is it?
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY
WILD BILL
I can't rightly say, but there's more commotion there than a bear in a beehive.
ALPINE
Somethin' all right, but I don't know what.
HARVEY
What is it you want? More water? More fertilizer? I'll do anything.
HARVEY
Is that any way to talk to your father?
BAZOOKA
Oh, no!
HARVEY
Help!
ALPINE
Yo Joe!
ALPINE
This is no time to play tricks on your old pal! Where are you, you big Bazooka?
ALPINE
Is everything all right?
BAZOOKA
Needs sour cream.
ALPINE
Uh-oh. Company!
ALPINE
It's Cobra!
WILD BILL
Drop it, Destro, and don't make any sudden moves!
ALPINE
Not so fast, chrome dome!
DESTRO
Give it up, Joes! I've got the rocket fuel!
BARBECUE
Okay, Destro, you wanna play hardball?
BARBECUE
He's not out of commission yet. Move in alongside him.
BARBECUE
Hey, Destro! Want me to put your fire out?
BARBECUE
This extinguishing foam should short-circuit his controls.
DESTRO
You'll pay for your insolence!
DESTRO
Let me show you how to fly, Joe!
ALPINE
Nice piloting, Wild Bill, but you lost your Dragonfly.
WILD BILL
Yeah, but I saved the world.
EXT. COBRA DESERT BASE - NIGHT
INT. COBRA DESERT BASE - THRONE ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
You call this success? You let them have the fuel, and bring me a bean?
DESTRO
But....
COBRA COMMANDER
I fear for your sanity, Destro.
DESTRO
But it's more than just nitrogen rocket fuel! It's a super nitrogen fertilizer!
COBRA COMMANDER
Take him away.
DESTRO
With expendable fruits and vegetables replacing Cobra's ground troops, we could overrun the world!
COBRA COMMANDER
Bah!
EXT. COBRA DESERT BASE - NIGHT
INT. COBRA DESERT BASE - DUNGEON
COBRA COMMANDER
I hope you have regained your senses, Destro.
DESTRO
Fool!
COBRA COMMANDER
Help me! Somebody!
DESTRO
Do you understand now? How do you stop a grapefruit tree that grows fourteen stories high and rains fruit the size of wrecking balls on the street below? Even your minuscule imagination must be able to conjure the carnage that would be wrought if we covered the city with these mutated beans!
COBRA COMMANDER
Have a care, Destro!
DESTRO
All the seeds we need can be found at a greenhouse in South Dakota.
COBRA COMMANDER
You are right, my friend. We can take over the world.
DESTRO
But a show of force is necessary first. We will cultivate Chicago. That will prove we mean business.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL
Wild Bill here.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
BREAKER (V.O.)
This is an emergency situation. Head for Chicago.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER (CONT.)
The city is bein' overrun by plants. The mayor has received an ultimatum from Cobra Commander. He demands that the city be turned over to Cobra, or it will be turned into a giant weed patch. Airtight's workin' on a super weed spray. How's it comin', Airtight?
AIRTIGHT
Workin' as fast as we can. We'll get it to you as soon as possible.
EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY
WILD BILL
Read you loud and clear, ol' buddy.
EXT. CHICAGO - EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES BUILDING
TOMAX AND XAMOT (singing)
A-planting we will go! A-planting we will go!
Hi-ho, a-merry-O! A-planting we will go!
EXT. CHICAGO - CITY STREETS
BARBECUE (O.C.)
Welcome to Chicago! Oranges at twelve o'clock!
SHIPWRECK
Well, I guess that's one way to get your minimum daily requirement of Vitamin C!
POLLY
How would you know, barnacle breath?
SHIPWRECK
Cut me some slack, Polly.
EXT. CHICAGO - EXTENSIVE ENTERPRISES BUILDING
ALPINE
School's out, boys.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) G. I. (T) Joe!
ALPINE
Gotta do something now!
ALPINE
Xamot, doesn't your brother like you anymore? Thanks for flyin' G. I. Joe Airlines! Have a nice trip!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Come on, brother, let's (X) get out of here!
ALPINE
Imagine findin' them in your salad! Yuck!
DESTRO
Help yourself, Joe! The roughage will do you good!
DESTRO
Don't you good guys ever give up?
WILD BILL
No! That's why we're the good guys!
EXT. CHICAGO - CITY STREETS
BAZOOKA
Lasers have no effect!
SHIPWRECK
If we don't do somethin' quick we're gonna be buried in a tomb of squash!
POLLY
Squashed by a squash!
SHIPWRECK
Shut up.
AIRTIGHT
Hate usin' this before it's been properly tested, but it's now or never.
SHIPWRECK
Well, what do you know?
POLLY
Not much, barnacle brain!
SHIPWRECK
Keep it up, shark bait!
AIRTIGHT
If I can crystallize this gas and seed those clouds before it rains, I bet I could make Cobra's plans backfire!
BAZOOKA
Let's talk about it over lunch!
EXT. CHICAGO - OVERCAST
BARBECUE
If this defoliant of yours doesn't work, I'm buyin' a lot of stock in salad forks!
WILD BILL
Yeehoo! Caught in your own trap!
WILD BILL
And another Cobra game is rained out!
EXT. COUNTY FAIR - DAY
HARVEY
Yessiree! It was right then and there that G. I. Joe came to me and asked for my advice.
FORMER SKEPTIC
Tell us more, Harvey!
KID
Yes, do! What happened next?
HARVEY
Well it weren't easy, let me tell you.
WILD BILL
That Harvey'd do Paul Bunyan proud.
AIRTIGHT
Hold on, guys. I got me an idea.
KID
Weren't you scared?
HARVEY
Scared? Me? Why, I don't even know the meaning of the word.

THE GAMESMASTER

2008-12-23T16:42:00.001-08:00

INT. VILLA - GAME ROOM
GAMESMASTER [Neil Ross or Pat Fraley?]
Checkmate. I'm bored. I want to play a new game, Coco, a game where real people fight for their lives. A game where I can play but can't get hurt. Let's play my new game, Coco. What do you think?
COCO
Boring.
GAMESMASTER
It will be fun, Coco! Just wait!
EXT. HIGH RISE - DAY
GAMESMASTER (V.O.)
First, we have catch them like butterflies, when they think they are safe.
INT. HIGH RISE - PARKING GARAGE
GAMESMASTER (CONT., V.O.)
This is Flint, second in command of the G. I. Joe Team.
INT. HIGH RISE - LOBBY
GAMESMASTER (CONT., V.O.)
He is returning home from a mission. He suspects nothing.
INT. HIGH RISE - ELEVATOR
EXT. HIGH-RISE - DAY
INT. CLOTHING STORE
GAMESMASTER (V.O.)
This is Lady Jaye. Clothes are like candy to her. I know just what dress she will pick, Coco.
GAMESMASTER (V.O.)
Hmm. I thought she'd like the other one.
INT. CLOTHING STORE - DRESSING ROOM
COCO (V.O.)
Gamesmaster likes Lady?
GAMESMASTER (V.O.)
I do not have a crush on her, Coco!
LADY JAYE
Hey! What's going on? Get me out of here! Put me down! Get, get...open the door! What's happening?
INT. COBRA BASE - HOT TUB
GAMESMASTER (V.O.)
This is the Baroness, a brilliant and resourceful Cobra agent.
EXT. COBRA BASE - CEREMONY
GAMESMASTER (V.O.)
This is Cobra Commander. He craves power, but when he feels most powerful, he is most vulnerable.
DESTRO
I do not understand what satisfaction you derive from these vulgar processions.
DESTRO
Security forces!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
GUNG-HO
It's not like Flint and Lady Jaye to blow town without tellin' us.
DUKE
I'm worried, real worried.
SCARLETT
Let's just come out and say it. They were....
EXT. COBRA BASE - CEREMONY
DESTRO
...Kidnapped. Our leader and the Baroness have been kidnapped?
ZARTAN
By whom, Destro? Perhaps by someone who wants to be the new Cobra leader, like yourself?
DESTRO
That is absurd. There is only one group who would dare this.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
DUKE
Cobra! But they're not gonna get away with it!
EXT. COBRA BASE - CEREMONY
DESTRO
G. I. Joe will learn a bitter lesson. First, we must lure one of them into our hands, and then....
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - VILLA
INT. VILLA - NURSERY
FLINT
What the...
BARONESS
What is that horrible noise?
COBRA COMMANDER
Where am I?
LADY JAYE
Flint, am I glad to see you. But where are we?
GAMESMASTER (COMM.)
Good morning, players! I am the Gamesmaster.
INT. VILLA - GAME ROOM
GAMESMASTER
Welcome to my game. As there are no rules, it will be an easy game to learn. Hidden somewhere on this island is a one-man helicopter. The winner is the one who finds it and flies away.
INT. VILLA - NURSERY
FLINT
What happens to the losers?
INT. VILLA - GAME ROOM
GAMESMASTER
They die! Good luck, and have fun.
INT. VILLA - NURSERY
COBRA COMMANDER
Do you know who I am? You can't do this to me! I will make you suffer....
LADY JAYE
They're toys!
TOY SOLDIER
Ready...
COBRA COMMANDER
They're going to shoot!
TOY SOLDIER
Aim...
COBRA COMMANDER
Do something, somebody!
FLINT
Dive!
TOY SOLDIER
Fire!
FLINT
It's not toy ammo! Let's get outta here!
COBRA COMMANDER
Wait for me!
TOY SOLDIER
Fire!
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - VILLA
GAMESMASTER (V.O.)
I like games that begin with a bang!
COBRA COMMANDER
Silence! No one laughs at me! From here on, we go our separate ways!
FLINT
Hey, fine by me.
EXT. GREENLAND - DAY
ACE
Ace to Breaker. I'm on station over Greenland.
BREAKER (COMM.)
Roger. Keep an eye peeled. We hear Cobra's slitherin' around somewhere below you.
ACE
I'll find 'em.
SNOW SERPENT [Arthur Burghardt]
SkyStriker at four o'clock. Fire.
ACE
Third SkyStriker this month. Duke's not gonna be pleased.
ACE
Uh-oh. Okay guys, I get the message.
DESTRO
How kind of you to drop in, Ace. I have need of certain information from you.
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - FOREST
LADY JAYE
What kind of place is this, Flint?
FLINT
I don't know, Lady Jaye, but I smell candy. That looks like licorice on that tree, and marshmallows on that one. We're in a candy forest.
LADY JAYE
That can't be real!
FLINT
I think it is. I took a caramel apple.
LADY JAYE
Hmm. This look like bon bon berries.
FLINT
Look out!
LADY JAYE
Flint, help!
BARONESS
Cobra!
FLINT
Hold it, Baroness! I said, hold it!
BARONESS
Bigoted pig!
FLINT
You're good, Baroness...but I'm better!
LADY JAYE
Get me out of here! Im' sinking in caramel!
COBRA COMMANDER
Not caramel, butterscotch!
FLINT
What do we do now, Baroness? We can either save them or we can fight. There's no time to do both.
BARONESS
You get Lady Jaye out first, you might double team me. If I get the Commander out first, we will definitely jump you.
FLINT
I'll tell you what, Baroness: you'll just have to trust me. You save Lady Jaye, I'll save Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
This is disgusting!
EXT. SWAMP - NIGHT
GUNG-HO
The coast is clear.
DUKE
Let's do it.
GUNG-HO
All right! Scarlett remembered to pack Baby!
INT. ZARTAN'S LAB
ZARTAN
No, don't shoot! Those vials are full of deadly swamp flu!
DUKE
Then talk fast, or we're all gonna need bed rest and plenty of Aspirin.
INT. VILLA - GAME ROOM
GAMESMASTER
Watch this, Coco. It's a real Hoho.
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - HILLS
FLINT
I'll lead us back into the villa and surprise the Gamesmaster.
COBRA COMMANDER
Very clever, Flint. How considerate of you. You set off the alarms, and we straggle behind to get captured.
FLINT
All right, you go first.
COBRA COMMANDER
And turn my back on you? How stupid do you think I am?
LADY JAYE
Have you got a better idea?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes! We find the helicopter and I fly it to safety. I will immediately dispatch troops to rescue you.
BARONESS
Even I cannot swallow that one.
COBRA COMMANDER
Whose side are you on?
BARONESS
The same side you are on. My own.
COBRA COMMANDER
Look!
FLINT
Run for it!
COBRA COMMANDER
No! Help me! Help me!
LADY JAYE
Flint, no! It's too dangerous!
FLINT
I've got to try! G. I. Joe is dedicated to saving lives, even Cobra Commander's!
FLINT
Uh-oh. I think it worked.
LADY JAYE
Flint! Look out behind you!
LADY JAYE
Flint!
LADY JAYE
No!
LADY JAYE
This can't be happening!
GAMESMASTER (COMM.)
One down, three to go!
BARONESS
He was a good fighter, Lady Jaye. But think not of sorrow. Think of revenge--revenge upon that accursed Gamesmaster!
EXT. COBRA BASE - ENTRANCE
DESTRO (V.O.)
Tell me where G. I. Joe has taken Cobra Commander and the Baroness. I will resort to extreme measures.
INT. COBRA BASE - INTERROGATION ROOM
ACE
Listen up, chrome dome, we don't know where they are, so save yourself a lot of trouble and return Flint and Lady Jaye.
DESTRO
What are you talking about?
ACE
The Joes you kidnapped, remember?
DESTRO
You are testing my patience, Ace. What is it?
TELE-VIPER
Distress call from Swamp Lab Two. G. I. Joe agents have Zartan.
DESTRO
Let them keep him adn his germs.
TELE-VIPER
Will exchange hostages for Flint and the Lady Jaye.
DESTRO
What?
ACE
Son of a gun, you really didn't know!
INT. ZARTAN'S LAB
GUNG-HO
Say, I got a better idea, Duke. What if we only make Zartan sick?
DUKE
I've heard worse.
ZARTAN
What about my human rights?
GUNG-HO
Talk or drink!
ZARTAN
Shoot me! Anything! But don't give me that!
DUKE
Then where are Flint and Lady Jaye?
ZARTAN
Probably with Cobra Commander and the Baroness!
DUKE
Give him a swig.
DESTRO
Greetings, Joe Team. It seems that we have a problem in common.
DUKE
The only problem we have is you.
GUNG-HO
And you're pretty common!
DESTRO
Incorrect. Two of our agents and two of yours have been kidnapped, all apparently by a third party.
DUKE
No third party could pull it off.
DESTRO
There is no other logical explanation.
DUKE
How do you know?
DESTRO
First you must promise me your cooperation.
DUKE
Give me one good reason to trust you.
DESTRO
Cobra agents, drop your weapons.
DUKE
That's a good reason. All right. Give me the low down.
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - CEMETERY
FLINT
Hello, suckers!
FLINT
Rust in peace.
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - JUNGLE
COBRA COMMANDER (mumbling)
An organization of ten thousand men and I'm stuck in the jungle! I can't stand....
BARONESS
Look!
LADY JAYE
The helicopter!
COBRA COMMANDER
At last! I will fly to the nearest island and send help when I arrive.
LADY JAYE
You don't mean you'd leave two defenseless women to fend for themselves?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes!
BARONESS
/line missing; no audio on tape/
LADY JAYE
I'll settle it. I'll take the copter!
BARONESS
Better you than him!
INT. VILLA - GAME ROOM
GAMESMASTER
If there's one thing I hate, it is mowing the lawn.
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - JUNGLE
GAMESMASTER (V.O.)
I hate lawnmowers!
INT. VILLA - GAME ROOM
GAMESMASTER
Mow, mow, mow them down! Chop them as they run! Whirlily, whirlily, whirlily, whirlily! I'm having so much fun!
GAMESMASTER
What is so funny, Coco? I haven't heard you laugh in so long!
FLINT
Now we're playing my game. Turn it off, or get hurt.
FLINT
Uh-oh.
GAMESMASTER
You cheat! You cheat!
FLINT
Lady Jaye!
GAMESMASTER
You cheated! I'm gonna tell on you!
FLINT
Flint to Joe Team!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Hey, listen to this, guys!
FLINT (COMM.)
I don't know where I am, so trace this broadcast. Some guy named the Gamesmaster has managed somehow to...
BREAKER
Flint, this is Breaker! Come in! Aw, it's dead! But I zeroed in on his position.
DUKE
Good. Alert Cobra and dispatch a strike team.
GUNG-HO
You really want us to tell Cobra?
DUKE
No, but a deal's a deal.
INT. VILLA - GAME ROOM
GAMESMASTER
More players! Yippee! All I have to do is activate the island defenses and watch the fun!
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - COAST
ACE
Will you look at that?
ACE
Whoa!
ACE
Let's give 'em a trip to Davy Jones' locker! I'm headin' in!
DUKE
Every time you do that, Ace, it gets expensive.
DUKE
Time to shut down the missile works!
DESTRO
Agreed.
ZARTAN
You're good!
SCARLETT
The competition keeps us in shape.
INT. VILLA - GAME ROOM
GAMESMASTER
My water rocket defense is finished! My ships are sunk, and my troops are in trouble! All my toys are broken, and it's your fault!
GAMESMASTER
Nya, nya! Ya can't catch me!
FLINT
Look out!
ROBOTS
Punish them! Punish them! Punish them!, etc.
DUKE
Now, where's this Gamesmaster character?
FLINT
He went through there.
DUKE
Come on!
DESTRO
Where is Cobra Commander?
FLINT
Knee deep in a marshmallow swamp.
DESTRO
Is that your idea of a joke?
FLINT
Okay, look for yourself.
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - VILLA
GAMESMASTER
There will be another game, Joe and Cobra. And next time, I will win!
EXT. GAMESMASTER'S ISLAND - BATTLEFIELD
COBRA COMMANDER
Look at us! It is a pity we could not combine our forces! Imagine the power we could have!
FLINT
You think so? We almost got greased by toy soldiers.
COBRA COMMANDER
I've had enough of your sarcasm for one day. Go! Get out of here!
FLINT
Okay. We'll be goin'.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, very clever, Flint. How considerate of you! You'll take off, then circle back and destroy our planes on the ground!
FLINT
Then you go first.
COBRA COMMANDER
And turn our backs to you? How stupid do you think I am?
LADY JAYE
Look, have you got a better idea?

TWENTY QUESTIONS

2008-12-23T16:41:00.000-08:00

EXT. COMBAT RANGE - DAY
FLINT
Yo Joe!
ALPINE
Yo Joe!
SHIPWRECK
Eat hot salt tabs, ya scurvy landlubbers!
SHIPWRECK
Ah, ya got me!
ALPINE
Shipwreck, that is pathetic.
SHIPWRECK
Says you. I thought I deserved an Oscar.
ALPINE
Yeah, my uncle Oscar, the moocher.
SCARLETT (O.C.)
Cease fire! Everybody, cease firing! Civilians in the battle area!
ALPINE
Aw, nuts! Just when the fight was getting dirty.
HECTOR RAMIREZ [Neil Ross]
Are we ready, Tom?
TOM [Frank Welker]
We're rollin'!
RAMIREZ
Good. This is Hector Ramirez reporting for your TV news magazine Twenty Questions. And below us is the G. I. Joe Team, America's special anti-terrorist task force. But does America need them? Some people claim the Joes are a needless military extravagance at best, and a blatant rip-off of the American taxpayer at work. Cut! Okay, how was that?
ARNOLD [Michael Bell?]
Yes, yes, perfect! Perfect!
FLINT
Okay, what in the name of sanity are you people doin' here? This is a restricted area!
RAMIREZ
How do you answer the claim that Cobra is only an elaborate hoax to bilk the government of billions of dollars?
FLINT
What?
GUNG-HO
Careful, Flint. That's that TV news guy.
ALPINE
Yeah. He'll feed you lines and hang you with 'em.
FLINT
Uh, sorry, no comment at this time.
RAMIREZ
Then I demand to see your commanding officer.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DUKE'S OFFICE
FLINT
Duke's off base. He won't be back for a couple of hours. But you gentlemen can wait here in his office, and I'll get a guide to show you around the base.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
ALPINE
Now what, semi-fearless leader?
FLINT
Find a guide and call for Duke.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DUKE'S OFFICE
RAMIREZ
Well, if they're siphoning off millions, they sure aren't spending it on interior decorating.
ARNOLD
That, that's what they want you to think! My friends, the Committee On Basic Reductions of Armies, has conclusive proof that the entire G. I. Joe-Cobra conflict is faked! F-A-K-E-D! Faked!
TOM
Come off it! I've seen the news footage. It's real.
ARNOLD
Oh, well, Hector if you're gonna let the hired help influence the decisions....
TOM
Hired help?
RAMIREZ
Cool it, Tom. I make the decisions. Hmm, I wonder if there's an Emmy in this for me?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - REC ROOM
SHIPWRECK
Ah, gentlemen, observe the properties of the cue ball. So round, so firm. Wanna bet I can make it sit up and bark?
SPIRIT
What the universe wills the ball to do, it shall do. There are no games in chance in the....
SHIPWRECK
Good ol' Spirit. Mr. Frivolity.
FLINT
Shipwreck, I've got a job for you.
SHIPWRECK
Oh, sorry. Can't take it, Flint. I was killed in action during maneuvers.
FLINT
Look, stow it, Shipwreck. I have three civilians who need babysitting.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
SHIPWRECK
And here's where we keep our Sky Hawks, SkyStrikers, and Dragonflies.
RAMIREZ
What about Sky Hawk cost overruns?
SHIPWRECK
I don't know nothin' about it.
ARNOLD
He, he's just putting up obstacles!
SHIPWRECK
Obstacles, huh? You wanna see obstacles?
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - OBSTACLE COURSE
SHIPWRECK
Over there, you got what you got your swingin' log obstacle...and your tire obstacle...and your brick wall obstacle.
ARNOLD
Oh, p-perfect training, if you plan to fight...to fight in a playground!
SHIPWRECK
I'll show you our playground, mate!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - LIGHT WEAPONS RANGE
SHIPWRECK
This is our light weapons range. We practice on pop-up cardboard targets.
ARNOLD
How appropriate, since your enemy is also a cardboard fabrication!
SHIPWRECK
That does it, you blasted bilge rats! I'll prove to you once and for all that Cobra's for real!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - THREAT UPDATE ROOM
SHIPWRECK
You! I told you to stay outside! No filmin' in here! Top secret!
ARNOLD
Uh, wouldn't it be better if all these computers were used to stop world hunger, instead of....
SHIPWRECK
What are you gonna do? Feed the world a short stack of floppy disks?
ARNOLD
Well it makes more sense than fighting senseless battles against non-existent - NON-EXISTENT ENEMIES!
SHIPWRECK
Senseless, huh? Non-existent, huh? The computer says our made-up snakes have got somethin' cookin' in the Rockies. Let's just take a trip and see, huh?
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
SHIPWRECK
Just lay low 'til we get outta here. I'll show you some real Cobra activity.
RIP CORD
Hey, Shipwreck, what's up?
SHIPWRECK
Uh, just takin' her up for a test flight, guys.
ACE
Need a co-pilot?
SHIPWRECK
No, uh, no, no thanks, Ace.
ACE
Hey, I thought he was supposed to be showin' some civilians around.
SHIPWRECK
Next stop, the Rockies!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ZARTAN
Get ready. Another aircraft approaches.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
RIPPER
Heading straight at us, mate.
BUZZER
Cor! I ain't destroyed nothin' in two or three days!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ARNOLD
What a waste of taxpayers' time and money! Joyriding over the Rockies!
SHIPWRECK
Joyride? If we spot Cobra, this is one ride you'll never forget!
ZARTAN
Fire.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
BUZZER
Right, then.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
SHIPWRECK
Uh-oh, SAM!
ARNOLD
My name is Arnold, not Sam!
SHIPWRECK
Not Sam! S-A-M! Surface-to-Air Missile! Now shut up and let me fly!
SHIPWRECK
Told you you'd never forget this ride! Now all we've gotta do is live through it!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
COVER GIRL
Shipwreck? Hey, Shipwreck! Where are you?
GUNG-HO
Flint wants you and your guests!
GUNG-HO
Ace, Rip Cord, either of you guys seen Shipwreck?
ACE
He took off.
GUNG-HO
Took off?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - THREAT ROOM
RIP CORD
Said he was goin' on a test flight. I thought it looked suspicious. So I checked around and found Shipwreck and those civilians had been here.
COVER GIRL
Bad news. If that computer's right, Shipwreck's heading toward the Rockies and certain death.
GUNG-HO
You mean Cobra?
COVER GIRL
I mean Duke, when he finds out.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ARNOLD
You're gonna kill us!
SHIPWRECK
Shut up! I know what I'm doin'!
SHIPWRECK
See, I told you I'd get us down safe.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - REC ROOM
ALPINE
Yucko! How disgustin'! Probably gonna die from some disease.
SPIRIT
Have no fear for my health, Alpine.
ALPINE
I don't. I'm worried about Freedom.
COVER GIRL
Alpine! We need your help. Shipwreck may be in trouble somewhere in the Rockies.
ALPINE
Naturally. Where else would you expect to find a sailor in trouble?
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
SHIPWRECK
We'll find that Cobra missile launcher around here somewhere.
ARNOLD
Missile launcher? Missile launcher? A wild goose chase to keep us from the story!
SHIPWRECK
I'll launch you if you don't keep your fool trap shut! Wait, listen.
SHIPWRECK
Hey! Hey! Over here! Yo Joe!
COVER GIRL
Keep a sharp eye peeled for Shipwreck and Cobra.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
RIPPER
Zartan, I'm pickin' up something' on the radar.
ZARTAN
A Joe search party. Alert Cobra Commander and ready the missiles!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
SHIPWRECK
Come back, ya scurvy hounds! Ah, my own buddies leavin' me strandin' out here with....
SHIPWRECK
What the...Cobra!
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
ZARTAN
Lock in on targets.
RIPPER
Right-o!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
RAMIREZ
Shipwreck, what's going on?
SHIPWRECK
Get back! It's a Cobra missile! If it launches, we'll all be killed!
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
ZARTAN
Fire.
BUZZER
With pleasure, Zartan.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
INT. HIDDEN BASE - WEAPONS ROOM
BUZZER
Zartan, the fire control mechanism is out!
ZARTAN
Cobra Commander must stop them while we fix the launcher!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Rattlers, attack!
WILD WEASEL
Cobra!
COVER GIRL
Rattlers!
ALPINE
I'll be okay! Save yourselves! Yo Joe!
SHIPWRECK
They'll be slaughtered unless I re-rig this launcher!
WILD WEASEL
Wild Weasel to Rattler squadron! Don't let them get behind you!
SHIPWRECK
Got it!
WILD WEASEL
What? Missiles, on our tails!
SHIPWRECK
You can just ignore 'em, Arnold! They's all imaginary! How do you like that?
ZARTAN
Very clever. Had you remembered to watch behind you, it might have been worth it.
GUNG-HO
That's Shipwreck's copter, all right.
COVER GIRL
But where's the sailor boy himself?
ALPINE
You know him. Late to his own funeral.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - ELEVATOR
ARNOLD
It's all a fake, a fake I tell you!
RAMIREZ
Yes, Shipwreck. You'd better come clean while you still can.
ZARTAN
Silence!
INT. HIDDEN BASE
ANNOUNCER (COMM.)
Zero-three-nine contingency in the lower aft receiving dock. All troops report for briefing.
SHIPWRECK
Sufferin' seaweed!
ANNOUNCER (COMM.)
Tonight's movie is "The Amusement Park of Terror." It's mayhem on the merry-go-round and revenge on the roller coaster as the bad guys try to beat the good guys on the Ferris wheel.
COBRA COMMANDER
Good, Zartan! You've captured the intruders!
RAMIREZ
Who's that bozo?
SHIPWRECK
That moron is Cobra Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Your scouting mission was a failure, Shipwreck. Even if you'd /words missing/, you'd never be able to stop our assault on the Rocky Mountain Chemical Weapons Arsenal..
SHIPWRECK
You're after that explosive gas, the stuff the Army buried around here!
COBRA COMMANDER
You may have qualms about using such weapons, but Cobra does not!
RAMIREZ
Oh, now, wait just a minute! Can the charade! This is all a fake! Tell 'em Arnold.
"ARNOLD" (in the Baroness's voice)
Fool! You are the stupidest male I ever met!
SHIPWRECK
I coulda told you that.
BARONESS
You vain, babbling, moronic peacock! My mission was to undermine Joe support and morale by feeding you mindless drivel for your news program, but that...that sailor ruined everything!
SHIPWRECK
Glad to oblige, Baroness.
ANNOUNCER (COMM.)
Preliminary shock troops, prepare to move out. Now!
COBRA COMMANDER
Zartan, lead the operation. I will stay to monitor Joe activity.
COBRA COMMANDER
Within hours, all the explosive gas will belong to Cobra!
SHIPWRECK
And you're just the type to use it.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
DUKE
I got here as fast as I could. This guy Hector Ramirez is the type of news man who loves doing a hatchet job on the military. Where is he?
FLINT
I don't know. I asked Shipwreck to take him around the base, and now he and Shipwreck are missing.
BREAKER
Duke, Flint! We intercepted a Cobra radio message. They're attackin' the Chemical Weapons Arsenal!
DUKE
We can't let them get that gas. Sound the alert! We'll worry about Ramirez later.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - HALLWAY
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
INT. HIDDEN BASE - TUNNEL
COBRA COMMANDER
Thanks to our tunneling machines, we found this previously undiscovered cavern! A perfect base for our operation!
SHIPWRECK
I always said you couldn't tell your base from a hole in the ground!
COBRA COMMANDER
I will not allow such impertinence, especially from an enlisted man! Baroness, do the honors!
BARONESS
With pleasure.
COBRA COMMANDER
Pulverize them!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
GUNG-HO
Every Cobra trooper in the world was hidden in that mountain!
SPIRIT
He wants us to see something.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLEARING
WILD WEASEL
Help, anybody! Help!
COVER GIRL
All right, we'll save you...for a price.
WILD WEASEL
Anything! Anything!
COVER GIRL
Where's Shipwreck and the others?
WILD WEASEL
I...I don't know.
COVER GIRL
Then adios.
WILD WEASEL
Wait! They might be in the cavern. Save me and I'll tell you how to sneak in.
GUNG-HO
Now talk.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - TUNNEL
RAMIREZ
Wait! One last request! An interview!
COBRA COMMANDER
What did you say?
RAMIREZ
An interview! I want to interview you!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CHEMICAL WEAPONS ARSENAL
SOLDIER [Michael Bell]
Sound the alarm!
ZARTAN
Fools, take out the towers only! Hit a gas bunker and we'll all explode!
INT. GAS BUNKER
BUZZER
This is the non-lethal stuff. Laughing gas, tear gas, you know.
BUZZER
That there's the explosive gas.
ZARTAN
Radio Cobra Commander that we're bringing it all in. Waste not, want not.
EXT. HIDDEN BASE - EXHAUST VENT
ALPINE
Here it is, the exhaust vent that snake told us about.
COVER GIRL
Right under our noses.
INT. HIDDEN BASE
ZARTAN
Baroness, we captured the explosive gas. Why isn't Cobra Commander here to witness my triumph?
BARONESS
He's being interviewed for TV.
INT. HIDDEN BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Then after leading a mutiny at my military academy....
INT. HIDDEN BASE
BUZZER
Listen up, you bloody dingos!
TORCH
Explosive gas to the left!
RIPPER
Laughing gas, tear gas, and the rest by the command module!
GUNG-HO
Can you make any more noise than that, Alpine?
ALPINE
Shut up, unless you wanna fly downstairs.
SPIRIT
Fly. Good idea. Freedom, find Shipwreck.
BARONESS
Look, an eagle has gotten into the cavern. Bye-bye, birdie.
SHIPWRECK
Freedom! You ain't cookin' my friend's goose!
ALPINE
They must've spotted us.
COVER GIRL
No sense being subtle now.
JOES
Yo Joe!
ZARTAN
G. I. Joe! We're under attack!
GUNG-HO
Why aren't they shootin' back?
ALPINE
Maybe 'cause we're sittin' on a truckload of explosive gas.
GUNG-HO
Hey, ain't that....
COVER GIRL
Shipwreck! He's gonna crush those gas cylinders!
COBRA [Bill Ratner]
Itching gas!
GUNG-HO
Explosions!
SPIRIT
There'll be a cave-in!
ALPINE
We'll all be crushed!
SHIPWRECK
Hate to laugh and run, but we've gotta get outta here!
COBRA COMMANDER
They're escaping! The cavern's exploding! What's so funny?
COBRA COMMANDER
No!
SHIPWRECK
We'd better get out before everything collapses!
ZARTAN
If we don't get out of here, we're finished!
BUZZER
Well, c'est la vie, mate!
ZARTAN
No, really! Come on! We must escape!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
DUKE
Any sign of where Cobra went?
FLINT
No. The trail seems to disappear.
FLINT
Wait, look out there!
DUKE
This must be Cobra's doing!
SHIPWRECK
Uh-oh!
DUKE
Shipwreck! Would you mind telling me what the bloody blue blazes is goin' on?
RAMIREZ
It was great! It was wonderful! Emmy material! A Pulitzer prize! There's was laughing gas, and fighting, and guns, and explosions! I got it all on tape! I've got to get this to my network! Fantastic! What a scoop!
RAMIREZ (CONT.)
Love you! You Joes are great!
DUKE
I'd like an explanation for all this!
DUKE
On second thought, forget it.

SPELL OF THE SIREN

2008-12-23T16:39:00.000-08:00

EXT. ADRIATIC SEA - USS FLAGG
FLINT
Welcome to the Adriatic. Don't say I never take you anywhere, Lady Jaye.
LADY JAYE
If this is your idea of a vacation, Flint, I'd hate to see where you'd take me on business.
DEEP SIX
Was that a joke?
TORPEDO
Hey Lady Jaye, ever ride rumble seat on a SHARC before?
LADY JAYE
Nope. Any tips, Torpedo?
TORPEDO
Yeah. Hang tight, and whatever you do...don't fall off!
LADY JAYE
Look at those sunken ships. It's a regular graveyard.
FLINT
Ancient history. Our job's finding out what Cobra's doing down here now.
BARONESS
This may be it.
INT. COBRA UNDERSEA BASE
COBRA COMMANDER
You squandered a fortune on this project, Destro!
DESTRO
I assure you, Cobra Commander, we are on the verge of a momentous discovery.
COBRA COMMANDER
Tomax, Xamot, give this fool a lesson in economics.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Cost effectiveness over the long run (X) is achieved through careful management of short term cash flow.
DESTRO
Spare me your business school philosophy!
BARONESS
Temper, Destro. The Crimson Guard Commanders can be powerful allies or dangerous foes. It is unwise to provoke them.
BARONESS
We have gone to all this bother for a simple seashell?
DESTRO
No, Baroness. For the conch of the Sirens. Its music lured a thousand sailors to doom on the reef above. And in our hands....
DESTRO
What's going on?
EXT. COBRA UNDERSEA BASE
EEL #1
It's G. I. Joe!
EEL #2
Battle stations!
FLINT
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA UNDERSEA BASE
DESTRO
Here! Get the conch to Cobra headquarters!
BARONESS
And you?
DESTRO
Someone has to show those fools how to fight!
INT. COBRA UNDERSEA BASE - CORRIDOR
LADY JAYE
Going somewhere?
DEEP SIX
You dented my suit!
FLINT
Well, well, a big fish in a big bowl!
BARONESS
I must get to the escape pod!
INT. COBRA UNDERSEA BASE - ESCAPE POD
INT. COBRA UNDERSEA BASE - CORRIDOR
FLINT
You hurt?
LADY JAYE
Only my pride.
FLINT
What's this?
LADY JAYE
I don't know, but judging from how much the Baroness wanted what was in it, it must've been pretty important.
EXT. COBRA SKYSCRAPER - DAY
INT. COBRA SKYSCRAPER - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Say nothing, Baroness. I saw the entire catastrophe. Money wasted, Destro captured, and for what? For what?
BARONESS
This shell.
COBRA COMMANDER
A seashell? You're as mad as Destro! You should rot in prison with him!
BARONESS
You will not rescue him?
COBRA COMMANDER
He got himself into this, he can get himself out! You too! Now get out! Get out!
BARONESS
I wonder if Major Bludd will see it your way.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
DUKE
You did good, Flint. Destro's in the slammer.
SCARLETT
What was inside that oilskin wrapping you found?
DR. BLACKSTONE
Something quite deadly, Scarlett. The legendary conch of the Sirens.
COVER GIRL
The legendary whozit of what, Dr. Blackstone?
DR. BLACKSTONE
For centuries, Cover Girl, the music of the Sirens lured sailors onto the Black Reef in the Adriatic Sea. According to the writing on this oilskin, it served as a wrapping for a conch shell used by the ancient Sirens.
ROADBLOCK
They played the tune that made men swoon.
DR. BLACKSTONE
Exactly. Its soundwaves had a hypnotic effect on the male hormonal system. A man who hears the Sirens' song loses all will power.
FLINT
And Cobra has that weapon?
BREAKER
Duke, satellite feed from the Alaskan Security Net.
SCARLETT
Cobra! They're tapping the pipeline!
DUKE
We've got a job to do. Let's do it.
EXT. ALASKAN PIPELINE - DAY
MAJ. BLUDD
Careful, mates! Let's not lose a drop of that black gold, hear?
BARONESS
Major Bludd, I wish to make you a proposition. Together we can destroy G. I. Joe once and for all.
MAJ. BLUDD
And how exactly would we do that?
BARONESS
With this.
MAJ. BLUDD
A seashell? Gone a little bats, have you?
MAJ. BLUDD
Oh, no! It's the Joes!
DUKE
Yo Joe! Hit 'em high and hit 'em low!
MAJ. BLUDD
Rattlers, get into the air! Shoot them down!
WILD BILL
Just like a down-home turkey shoot!
FEMALE COBRA
What's happening to our men?
BARONESS
Well, well, well. It worked.
INT. COBRA SKYSCRAPER - THRONE ROOM
BARONESS
It worked, I tell you, just as Destro said it would. Do you realize what this means?
COBRA COMMANDER
It seems you have given me the perfect weapon against G. I. Joe.
BARONESS
You? Your decision to leave Destro in the hands of the Joes was the act of a petulant madman!
COBRA COMMANDER
Madman?
BARONESS
You are unfit to rule! The members of my family have been bred as rulers for centuries. The conch is mine, and I will use it to crush G. I. Joe!
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh? We shall see about that. Crimson Guard Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER
Treason! This is trea....
BARONESS
No, my former Commander. Not treason. It is destiny.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
FEMALE TELE-VIPER
Assault Group One to Baroness. All teams in position. We're ready to attack.
BARONESS
Destro, soon you will be free.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - INFIRMARY
SCARLETT
Oh, Duke.
LADY JAYE
Has Destro decided to talk?
DESTRO
I have nothing to discuss with G. I. Joe.
LADY JAYE
Perimeter alarm! We're under attack!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
Flint? Roadblock! They're paralyzed!
FEMALE GREENSHIRT #1
Hey, what's wrong?
FEMALE GREENSHIRT #2
Come on, let's get to our posts!
FEMALE GREENSHIRT #3
Forget 'em! Let's go! Cobra's inside the compound!
BARONESS
Slaves of the Siren song, now heed my voice. You have no will but my will. The Joe women are your enemies! Destroy them all!
LADY JAYE
Take cover!
SCARLETT
They're like robots!
LADY JAYE
All the men are...look!
SCARLETT
We've got to put them out of action!
COVER GIRL
But how without hurting them?
LADY JAYE
In that locker. It's stun gas.
COVER GIRL
I'll cover you. Go for it!
BARONESS (O.C.)
Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - CELL
DESTRO
Baroness! So, Cobra Commander finally decided I was worth rescuing.
BARONESS
He had nothing to do with it. I command Cobra now, thanks to this.
DESTRO
I always said you'd go far, my dear Baroness.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
SCARLETT
Come on!
DESTRO
Stun gas! We must retreat! This gas paralyzes!
BARONESS
Slaves, of the Siren song, retreat! Retreat!
SCARLETT
Duke? Oh, no, Duke!
LADY JAYE
Duke and Flint are in Cobra's power, Scarlett. Now it's up to us.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - BARONESS' HIDEOUT
DESTRO
It's good to be free. What are your plans, Baroness?
BARONESS
Piracy, Destro. Piracy on the land, in the air, on the sea!
DESTRO
The ancient Sirens would agree, I'm sure.
BARONESS
Strange, isn't it? The Joes fight even more efficiently under the Sirens' spell.
DESTRO
Because their minds are not clouded by their free will. You do their thinking for them.
INT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - PRISON BLOCK
DESTRO
What about our lunatic leader, Cobra Commander?
BARONESS
Look for yourself. Even under the spell of the Siren song I don't trust him. Better to keep him in prison.
DESTRO
And out of mischief. What of that cell? Who's in there?
BARONESS
One of the Crimson Guard Commanders. Tomax, I think. I can never keep their names straight. But neither of them can be trusted.
DESTRO
And where is his brother Xamot?
BARONESS
He has managed to elude me so far. But have no fear. My women will find him.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - SUNSET
WILD BILL
Durn lucky we were off base when those owl-hoots attacked Joe Headquarters, Rip Cord! Otherwise, our brains would be hog-tied like Duke and the boys!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
RECONDO [Michael Bell]
Got a fix on it, Lady Jaye! Duke's somewhere in this valley ahead of us! Uh-oh.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - BARONESS' HIDEOUT
WILD BILL
I think we've found the varmints' hideout!
EXT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - NIGHT
INT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - ENTRANCE
BARONESS
I want her alive.
BARONESS
Take her to the prison block. She can keep Cobra Commander company.
INT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - PRISON BLOCK
XAMOT
Wake up, Lady Jaye. You've been rescued.
LADY JAYE
You!
XAMOT
Truce! I'm on your side!
LADY JAYE
Why should I believe a Crimson Guard Commander?
XAMOT
Good question.
BARONESS
Xamot!
XAMOT
Perhaps you could judge me by the company I don't keep.
BARONESS
Guards, guards!
LADY JAYE
Let's get out of here!
EXT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - SUNRISE
INT. ESCAPE TUNNEL
EXT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - SUNRISE
XAMOT
Well, that takes care of that!
LADY JAYE
Wishful thinking is a problem with you, isn't it?
LADY JAYE
Heat seekers!
LADY JAYE
Head for that peak! Pull up!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - CONFERENCE ROOM
SCARLETT, COVER GIRL, AND LADY JAYE
(S) Now let's get this straight. You'll help us breach Cobra security (C) if we promise to leave with our forces (L) once we've rescued the Joes.
WILD BILL
Ah, hog slaw!
RECONDO
Why would you wanna help us?
XAMOT
I have my reasons. Trust me.
LADY JAYE
Suppose we do trust you. We still can't attack in force, or we'll hurt Flint and the others.
DR. BLACKSTONE
Perhaps this will help. A sonic pulsar designed to produce a musical counter-vibration. It could break the spell of the conch.
SCARLETT
And if it doesn't work?
DR. BLACKSTONE
Well, then the Joes will remain prisoners of the siren song for the rest of their lives.
SCARLETT
Well, it's worth a try.
LADY JAYE AND SCARLETT
Yo Joe!
INT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT
DESTRO
But Baroness, the seashell is the leader, not you.
DESTRO
If you put me under the Sirens' spell, you'll have no one with whom to share your triumph. Only a madman like Cobra Commander would wish to rule alone when the two of us could rule together.
BARONESS
Destro, do you hear bells?
FEMALE COBRA
Baroness, we're under attack!
BARONESS
What?
DESTRO
The outer defenses?
FEMALE COBRA
Breached! It's Xamot, Baroness. He's leading the Joes against us.
INT. ESCAPE TUNNEL
LADY JAYE
I knew it couldn't last!
INT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - PRISON BLOCK
COBRA COMMANDER
What? What am I doing here?
INT. ESCAPE TUNNEL
BARONESS
What are you waiting for? Destroy!
FLINT
You heard the lady. What are we waiting for?
LADY JAYE
Yo Joe!
INT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - PRISON BLOCK
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) It's good to (X) see you, brother.
COBRA COMMANDER
Release me!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Hmm, I suppose (T) we should.
COBRA COMMANDER
Get me out of here, you fools!
INT. BARONESS' HIDEOUT - PRISON BLOCK
COBRA COMMANDER
The Baroness will pay for her treachery some day!
DESTRO
We've lost! Flee and fight again another day!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMISSARY
DR. BLACKSTONE
I want to study the conch, learn why it works.
SCARLETT
I'm afraid this thing's caused enough trouble. Lady Jaye?
DUKE
What'd you do that for?
SCARLETT
Just making the world safe for you men.
LADY JAYE
Somebody has to.

THE SYNTHOID CONSPIRACY, PART II

2008-12-23T16:37:00.001-08:00

EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - PERIMETER
ROCK 'N ROLL
Don't move, Mutt!
ROCK 'N ROLL
Get scarce, both of you!
MUTT
Hey, Rock 'n Roll, thanks.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
"GEN. FRANKS" [John Stephenson]
The one they call Mutt: I want him brought back, alive or otherwise!
SCARLETT
No! General Franks, you can't....
"GEN. FRANKS"
One more word and you'll join this karate-kicking traitor in the guardhouse! Take him away!
EXT. WOODS NEAR JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
MUTT
Cobra's gotta be behind this. But how did they turn our own army against us?
DESTRO
How badly do you want the answer, Joe? Enough to trust me?
MUTT
Uh, put it this way, Destro: I'd likelier trust a rabid weasel!
DESTRO
I expected as much.
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - DAY
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
You do not seem to grasp the full scope of my plan, Duke.
ZARTAN
Our plan. I designed the synthoids.
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, yes. The synthoids are perfect artificially created imitations of human beings. First we duplicated your commanding officers and programmed these synthoids to obey my every command. But our supreme achievement was replacing you, the G. I. Joe leader, with a synthoid duplicate. Your team has been disbanded, disgraced, and G. I. Joe will never rise again!
DUKE
Why, you dirty....
COBRA COMMANDER
Take him away.
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - HALLWAY
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - DAY
COBRA [Bill Ratner?]
Over there! The prisoner's escaping!
EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - PENTAGON
INT. PENTAGON - FRANKS' OFFICE
"GEN. FRANKS"
Scarlett, type those papers up immediately, and bring me some more coffee!
SCARLETT
Yes, General Franks!
INT. PENTAGON - EMPTY OFFICE
SCARLETT (mocking)
Reports. Coffee. Ugh.
SCARLETT
Duke.
"DUKE"
Go ahead, Scarlett.
SCARLETT
Duke, we've got to reassemble the Joe team.
"DUKE"
Uh, right.
SCARLETT
Spread the word. We meet at midnight at the old bunker.
"DUKE"
I copy. Over and out.
INT. PENTAGON - FRANKS' OFFICE
"DUKE"
They're meeting tonight, General. And I'm invited.
"GEN. FRANKS"
Good. I want a full report.
"DUKE"
Yes, sir!
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, General?
INT. COMMUNICATIONS PANEL
BREAKER
What the heck is that?
BREAKER
Hey, somebody's signalin' from the Pentagon!
INT. PENTAGON - GEN. FRANKS' OFFICE
"GEN. FRANKS"
As you expected, Cobra Commander, they're meeting secretly to plan their mutiny.
INT. COMMUNICATIONS PANEL
BREAKER
That's right. Keep blabbin' 'til I can get a fix on you.
INT. PENTAGON - GEN. FRANKS' OFFICE
COBRA COMMANDER
Learn their plans, General. Then crush them. Cobra out!
INT. COMMUNICATIONS PANEL
BREAKER
Got it!
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - EVENING
MUTT
Where are we?
MUTT
Looks like Destro dumped us right in a nest of vipers.
MUTT
Down!
EXT. ARMY BASE - OLD BUNKER
INT. OLD BUNKER
SCARLETT
The Joes who couldn't come have sent word. They stand by any decision we make tonight.
BREAKER
And we finally got a clue to what's goin' on. I picked up secret transmissions comin' from General Franks' office. He's yappin' with somebody here, on the open sea.
FLINT
Only two possibilities then.
STALKER
A ship...
RECONDO
Or an uncharted island.
CLUTCH
Nice place to put a Cobra base, huh?
SCARLETT
But...if we fail, or if we're wrong....
ACE
I say we go for broke. We need our SkyStrikers.
WILD BILL
And fuel to fly 'em!
GUNG-HO
First, we gotta spring Quick Kick from the Army base.
SCARLETT
Then retake Joe Headquarters and figure out who Franks was talking to. Let's do it!
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. ARMY BASE - OLD BUNKER
"DUKE"
Set your trap at Joe Headquarters. Nothing can save them now.
INT. PENTAGON - FRANKS' OFFICE
"DUKE" (COMM.)
The Joes plan to steal their own planes and attack our Commander's island base.
"GEN. FRANKS"
Let them plan. Joe Headquarters will be their last stop.
INT. OLD BUNKER
SCARLETT
Duke, you haven't said anything.
SCARLETT
Oh, there you are.
"DUKE"
Look, I'm with you all the way, guys!
SCARLETT
Good. All right, there's no turning back. We're outlaws back.
WILD BILL
All right! Then let's get our weapons! Yeehaw!
JOES
Yo Joe!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - ENTRANCE
COVER GIRL
Help! Help! I'm so glad you're here!
M.P.
Hey, take it easy, Miss. Everything's gonna be....
COVER GIRL
The armory is straight ahead!
INT. ARMORY
INT. TECH ROOM
WILD BILL
Surprise, soldier! Your equipment's out o' commission! Yeehoo!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - FUEL STORAGE
ACE
Clutch, how long is it gonna take you to hotwire that thing?
CLUTCH
No time at all.
CLUTCH
Take her away!
ACE
You got it!
QUICK KICK
Hey, guys! Don't forget ol' Quick Kick!
INT. GUARDHOUSE
QUICK KICK
Rock 'n Roll! You got my weapons?
ROCK 'N ROLL
You mean these?
QUICK KICK
That's them!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - ENTRANCE
WILD BILL
Yeehoo!
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - NIGHT
COBRA
We need more light!
COPPERHEAD
You all need more brains! Keep lookin'!
COBRA
That way!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
SCARLETT
Odd. There are no guards.
CLUTCH
Well, then, let's ring the doorbell!
WILD BILL
Get those jets ready to fly!
ACE
Listen to her guzzle that fuel. Been thirsty a long time.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Everything's gone!
DESTRO
Fortunately for you, I am here.
SCARLETT
Destro! Surround him!
DESTRO
Cobra has replaced your generals with artificial replicas which serve Cobra Commander.
RECONDO
What a load of malarkey!
SCARLETT
No, let him talk.
DESTRO
Their purpose was to turn your own nation's army against you and bring about your final and total destruction. But with my help, you can....
"DUKE"
Don't listen to him! He's our enemy!
SCARLETT
Duke's right, Destro. Why would you want to help us?
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE, FLASHBACK
DESTRO (V.O.)
Because Zartan dared to make a synthoid replica of me. I made them destroy it with a device called the neutralizer. Such presumption cannot go unpunished.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
DESTRO (CONT.)
He will learn a painful lesson when I bring his scheme crashing down around him!
"DUKE"
Destro's a liar! He's leading us into a trap!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
"GEN. FLAGG"
G. I. Joe! We have you surrounded! You have three minutes to surrender, or we begin firing!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
DESTRO
Do you believe me now?
FLINT
We can't surrender.
DESTRO
You must fly to my ship, the Valkyrie. I'll give you the coordinates.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
"GEN. FRANKS"
You have one minute left before we commence firing!
QUICK KICK
We'll never make it!
DESTRO
This will buy you the time you need.
"GEN. FRANKS"
Open fire!
DESTRO
This force field will hold them off for a few moments.
ACE
Let's get outta here!
DESTRO
Hurry! The force field will not hold much longer!
SCARLETT
Duke, get in! They've broken through!
"DUKE"
Yeah! Uh, well, uh, okay!
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - NIGHT
COPPERHEAD
Looks like them gators are gonna get a nice, hearty supper.
COPPERHEAD
Nice try. Too bad you...
DUKE
Mutt!
COPPERHEAD
Help! He's gonna bite me!
DUKE
Okay, Mutt, let Junkyard take over.
MUTT
Let's get rid of those chains.
DUKE
How'd you find me anyway?
MUTT
We've been trailin' you for hours. Destro got you too?
DUKE
No. Zartan. Did you hear about synthoids?
MUTT
Syn...which?
DUKE
It's a long story, Mutt. First, let's get to the Cobra launch base.
EXT. VALKYRIE - DECK
SCARLETT
All right. We've come this far with you, Destro. It's time you told us the rest of your plan.
DESTRO
Patience, my dear. Patience. Come inside while my drones refuel your planes.
SCARLETT
Duke? Where is he?
"DUKE"
This is Duke reporting.
SCARLETT
Duke, what are you doing?
"DUKE"
Oh, uh, Scarlett! Uh, just checking our planes. I don't trust Destro.
SCARLETT
Yeah, but, uh...let's watch him together, okay?
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - DAWN
MUTT
What next, Duke?
DUKE
Check it out!
MUTT
Hey, that's a Cobra base! What're you doin'?
DUKE
The one thing Cobra would never expect. We're gonna attack!
MUTT
Let's go for it!
INT. VALKYRIE
DESTRO
The Cobra base is right about here. But it may be a trap.
SCARLETT
Trap or not, we're going.
DESTRO
There is one thing you must know first, something I tried to tell you before. One of you is a synthoid.
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
They've escaped? What about the synthoid Duke?
"GEN. FRANKS"
He tried to contact me once and was cut off.
COBRA COMMANDER
Put the base on yellow alert!
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - DAWN
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Yellow alert! Seal all exits!
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - DOCKS
COBRA
Hurry up! We're on alert!
COBRA
Hey, you guys aren't Cobras!
DUKE
I thought you'd never notice.
DUKE
Mutt, let's split up here! We've got to find General Franks and the others!
INT. VALKYRIE
"DUKE"
Don't listen to Destro. He wants to create dissension among us. Where's his proof?
DESTRO
Believe what you like. Your welfare is of no consequence to me, just so long as Zartan and Cobra Commander learn how dangerous it can be to provoke my anger. Your planes are ready, and I grow weary of your company. Please leave now.
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - CELL
ADM. LEDGER
How did we end up here, General?
GEN. FRANKS
I don't know.
COBRA [Michael Bell]
Quiet in there!
MUTT
Ow!
GEN. FRANKS
Get us out of here!
COL. SHARP
I knew you'd come!
ADM. LEDGER
We've been in here a long time.
MUTT
Junkyard, are they the real thing?
MUTT
Stand back.
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
TELE-VIPER
Formation of SkyStrikers coming in fast!
COBRA COMMANDER
Red alert! Red alert!
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - DAY
SCARLETT
This is Wing Leader One. We have target in visual contact. Wing Leader Two, please confirm.
ACE
Wing Leader Two, visual contact confirmed!
AIRBORNE [not Peter Cullen]
Reckon that means they confirm sightin' us!
SCARLETT
Ace, we're trapped! Stay out! They've got remote-control cannons!
SCARLETT
Duke, my controls are locked! I can't eject! Save yourself!
"DUKE"
So much for Scarlett!
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - SECRET ENTRANCE
"DUKE"
Pretty tricky, Scarlett!
"DUKE" (mocking)
My controls are locked! I can't eject!
SCARLETT
So I lied. Now, where's the real Duke? You talk or I'll....
"DUKE"
Okay, Scarlett, I'm tired of your meddling.
DUKE
Not so fast, you phony!
SCARLETT
That's enough! Give yourself up, synthoid!
"DUKE"
You heard her, chemical breath. Pack it in.
DUKE
Don't listen to either of us. Make your own decision, Scarlett.
MUTT
Hold it, boys. If either of you makes a move before we figure out who's who, you're both dog meat.
SCARLETT
Junkyard, attack!
MUTT
Junk! You okay?
SCARLETT
Good to see you're still in one piece, Duke.
DUKE
Likewise, Scarlett. Now let's get that synthoid creep.
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - DAY
FLINT
No go, Ace! We can't get past those lasers!
ACE
Guess it's time to bring out the heavy artillery!
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
No! I had them in the palm of my hand!
"DUKE"
Cobra Commander....
COBRA COMMANDER
Duke! You dare to return?
"DUKE"
Don't shoot! I'm the synthoid!
COBRA COMMANDER
The neutralizer will prove who you are.
ZARTAN
Stop! You fool, look what you've done! The device is set at maximum! You've sent all the synthoids to their doom!
SCARLETT
Oh, no!
EXT. PARADE GROUNDS - DAY
"GEN. FRANKS"
Men, under our new organizational structure, Cobra must be...recognized...as our friends....
EXT. AIRCRAFT CARRIER - DAY
"ADM. LEDGER"
Henceforth, all Navy personnel will be under the command of Cobra forces....
INT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
You are to blame for this, Zartan! Why do I ever listen to you?
SCARLETT
Duke, they're getting away!
DUKE
I'll go after them. But stop those cannons! They're controlled by the switch board!
EXT. COBRA ISLAND BASE - DAY
COBRA COMMANDER
Lift off!
DUKE
They got away.
SCARLETT
Yeah, but they'll be back.
DUKE
G. I. Joe will be ready for 'em.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS
GEN. FRANKS
For your loyalty in the face of adversity, for your courage against overwhelming odds, I hereby restore G. I. Joe special missions force to full operating status with highest military honors.
JOES
Yo Joe!

THE SYNTHOID CONSPIRACY, PART I

2008-12-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DUKE
This is Leader Joe calling command ship.
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
GEN .FRANKS [John Stephenson]
This is General Franks to Leader Joe, General Franks to Leader Joe. Is the area clear?
EXT. COMMAND SHIP - DAY
DUKE
Yes, sir, and we're ready for war games.
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
DESTRO
Commander, they'll discover us if we remain here much longer.
COBRA COMMANDER
In a few minutes they'll be too busy to notice, Destro.
DESTRO
Bah! Shoddy workmanship! If you'd bought it from me....
COBRA COMMANDER
No one invited you on this mission, Destro.
DESTRO
And what is this mission?
COBRA COMMANDER
You'll see soon enough. Now silence! I want to hear this.
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
ADM. LEDGER
We'll commence at exactly ten hundred hours. Will your team be ready?
EXT. COMMAND SHIP - DAY
DUKE
Yes, sir.
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
GEN. FRANKS
The Joes are really on the ball, eh, Erickson?
ERICKSON
Mm-hmm, yes, sir.
ADM. LEDGER
Enthusiastic young man.
EXT. COMMAND SHIP - DAY
DUKE
Leader Joe to Deep Six, are you in position?
DEEP SIX
Deep Six and Torpedo in position and ready to provide back-up assistance.
GEN. FRANKS
G. I. Joe is the best we've got.
COL. SHARP
As head of the Pentagon Budget Committee, General Howe, I'm sure you'll be impressed with their performance today.
GEN. HOWE [Pat Fraley?]
They always impress me, Colonel Sharp.
ADM. LEDGER
I'm most interested in seeing the USS Flagg in action.
GEN. FRANKS
You won't be disappointed, Admiral. Binoculars, please.
GEN. FRANKS
You're quiet today, Erickson.
ERICKSON
I'm fine, sir.
GEN. FRANKS
She's a beauty, all right.
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
SHIPWRECK
Come on, doll face. I know a little cafe in port where the spaghetti is great and the lights are dim. Let's you and I get together at....
SCARLETT
Let's not! And pretend we did, okay?
DUKE (COMM.)
Leader Joe to carrier Flagg.
SHIPWRECK
Carrier Flagg to Leader Joe.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DUKE
Permission to land.
SHIPWRECK (COMM.)
Landing pad clear, Leader Joe.
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
DUKE (COMM.)
Scarlett?
SCARLETT
Yes, Duke?
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DUKE
Scramble the SkyStrikers. I want them in the air at exactly ten hundred hours.
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
SCARLETT
I'm on my way. Sound the klaxon, Shipwreck.
SHIPWRECK
Scarlett, get 'em your best!
SCARLETT
I'll sink one for you, Shipwreck.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
ACE
Better get a move on, Wild Bill.
WILD BILL
Hey, what's the hurry? Y'all got at least, uh, two minutes left.
WILD BILL
My hat!
DUKE
Everyone, your attention, please. I know this is just for show, but the top Pentagon brass are watching on the command ship. So let's show 'em what G. I. Joe can do.
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
COBRA COMMANDER
All systems on! Take us to the rendezvous point!
DESTRO
But you're heading directly for their command ship!
COBRA COMMANDER
Where Zartan waits for us.
DESTRO
Zartan? If this is one of his schemes....
COBRA COMMANDER
Zartan and I've created this plan. Keep your weapons and your high and mighty airs to yourself! We're going to destroy G. I. Joe without you!
DESTRO
Indeed?
COBRA COMMANDER
But first we will humiliate them, destroy their spirit. Then lead them to their doom!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
DUKE
Let's go, team!
SCARLETT
Right behind you, Duke!
WILD BILL
Don't forget ol' Wild Bill bringin' in the rear!
DUKE
Let's knock 'em out of the water!
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
COBRA COMMANDER
These are my synthoids, perfect imitations of human beings.
DESTRO
And completely artificial, made from genetic engineering chemicals you bought from me.
COBRA COMMANDER
And they will follow orders without question.
DESTRO
How convenient.
COBRA COMMANDER
Synthoids, worship me.
SYNTHOIDS
Hail, Cobra! Hail, Cobra Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER
Let the attack begin!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DUKE
Arm missiles.
SCARLETT
Ready.
ACE
Ready.
FLINT
Ready.
DUKE
Fire!
SCARLETT
What happened?
DUKE
I don't know! Regroup!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
GEN. FRANKS
Incredible explosions, but they missed the ships entirely! There's something wrong.
COL. SHARP
Look!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
DREADNOKS
Cobra!
DUKE
I'm hit!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
GEN. FRANKS
Cobra must've jammed the missile control devices!
ADM. LEDGER
I'll have my gunners open fire.
ZARTAN
Sorry, Admiral.
ZARTAN
I can't let you do that.
GEN. FRANKS
Zartan!
ZARTAN
Time for a nap, gentlemen.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
ACE
Duke, are you all right?
DUKE
I'm okay. Continue to counter-attack.
BUZZER
Hey, mate, take a dive!
SCARLETT
Duke!
WILD BILL
Wild Bill to Deep Six, Duke's gone under!
DEEP SIX
Okay, Wild Bill. We're on our way.
SCARLETT
Cobra Morays! Now what are they up to?
COBRA
G. I. Joe, have a taste of this!
SCARLETT
Eat missiles, fang features!
DEEP SIX
We're at Duke's parachute. Sonar search in progress.
DEEP SIX
Found him. He's directly underneath his parachute.
TORPEDO
Roger. Moving out!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
ZARTAN
Sweet dreams, gentlemen. Now to implement stage two.
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
COBRA COMMANDER
Synthoids, prepare to board the command ship.
SYNTHOIDS
Yes, master.
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
SCARLETT
Shipwreck, those Cobra Morays are too close to our ships. Can you sink one for me?
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
SHIPWRECK
Does Popeye like spinach?
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
INT. USS FLAGG - BRIDGE
SHIPWRECK
Smokescreen! I can't see a thing!
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
SYNTHOIDS
Hail, Cobra!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
ZARTAN
Lovely. Lovely!
ZARTAN
Synthoids, put the officers in the basket.
SYNTHOIDS
Yes, master.
ZARTAN
Excellent. Excellent!
ZARTAN
Hurry! The smoke won't last much longer!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DAY
SCARLETT
Wild Bill, see if you can get those Morays, will you?
WILD BILL
Yes ma'am.
WILD BILL
Gotcha! Yeehoo!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
ZARTAN
Hail, Cobra!
SYNTHOIDS
Hail, Cobra!
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
ZARTAN
Mission accomplished, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent. Take her down!
EXT. USS FLAGG - DECK
BREAKER
Hey, Duke! General Franks wants to see you aboard the command ship, on the double!
INT. COMMAND SHIP - BRIDGE
"GEN. FRANKS"
Sergeant, I'm holding you responsible for this disaster!
DUKE
Sir?
SCARLETT
But General, Cobra....
"GEN. FRANKS"
If your team were up to snuff, you'd have stopped Cobra before we were nearly killed! Return to the land base! You're of no use here!
DUKE
Colonel Sharp, we should investigate this senseless attack!
"COL. SHARP"
Request denied!
EXT. COMMAND SHIP - DECK
SCARLETT
Why do I feel like we just lost this battle?
DUKE
Well, let's not tell the others about this.
SCARLETT
All right, Duke.
INT. COBRA SUBMARINE
COBRA COMMANDER
The first blow has been struck! Now we'll use their own authorities against them. We shall desroy them from within by creating one of their own.
DESTRO
So, a synthoid of a G. I. Joe. Which one?
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, that will keep. But we have a surprise for you, Destro. Show him, Zartan.
ZARTAN
With pleasure, Commander.
DESTRO
No! You wouldn't dare! A synthoid of me?
ZARTAN
Something bothering you, Destro? Kneel, slave.
COBRA COMMANDER
At least it obeys orders.
DESTRO
Destroy it. Destroy it, or I'll...!
COBRA COMMANDER
Easy, Destro. Allow me to demonstrate the neutralizer.
ZARTAN
No, not that setting! Use the short-distance setting or you'll destroy all the synthoids.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, sorry about that. Well. Oh, how temporary!
COBRA COMMANDER
Remember, Destro, even you can be replaced.
DESTRO
We shall see.
INT. PENTAGON - BUDGET MEETING
DEFENSE SECRETARY [Bill Ratner?]
Are you sure about this recommendation, General Howe?
"GEN. HOWE"
Absolutely. The G. I. Joe program is a drain on our resources. We must cut their funding in half.
OFFICIAL [Arthur Burghardt]
General Franks, you've always supported G. I. Joe. Do you agree?
"GEN. FRANKS"
Yes. In fact, I think we should do away with them completely.
DEFENSE SECRETARY
All right. The President trusts your judgment, General. I'll put the changes into effect immediatley.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - MOTOR POOL
COVER GIRL
Aw! Come on, come on, get on there!
CLUTCH
You okay, Cover Girl?
COVER GIRL
How can we fix our equipment without parts?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - SUPPLIES
ROCK 'N ROLL
Need some ammo for target practice, Sarge.
SERGEANT [Gregg Berger]
Sorry, Rock 'n Roll. That's all we can spare.
ROCK 'N ROLL
This is it? You gotta be kiddin'!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
SCARLETT
It doesn't make sense. Cobra never attacks without a reason.
DUKE
I agree they're up to something, but what?
DUKE
Hey, Junkyard, how's it going? You ol' hound dog!
DUKE
Hey, cut that out!
MUTT
Here, boy!
MUTT
Hope he wasn't botherin' you, Duke.
DUKE
No. Not at all.
ACE
Duke, we've got problems! We haven't enough fuel to get one plane off the ground!
COVER GIRL
I can't get parts for the tank!
CLUTCH
And we're runnin' out of oil and gas!
ROCK 'N ROLL
Ammunition's down to nothin'!
BLOWTORCH
I can't get any propane for my flamethrower!
COVER GIRL
Duke, the whole base is falling apart!
DUKE
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this right now!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
"COL. SHARP"
Look, sergeant. Your budget has been cut. You'll have to make do.
DUKE
But we need fuel, supplies, ammo!
"COL. SHARP"
Take it up with General Franks. He's on his way there for an inspection.
ROADBLOCK
Cobra air attack, comin' in fast!
DUKE
Patch me in to the intercom.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
DUKE (COMM.)
Attention, G. I. Joe units! All planes are grounded! Prepare to fight a ground-to-air defense!
PILOT [Neil Ross]
G. I. Joe Headquarters coming into range!
COBRA COMMANDER (COMM.)
Fire at will!
DUKE
Head for the shelter!
DUKE
Scarlett!
DUKE
That was close.
TORCH
Out o' the fryin' pan...
RIPPER
And into the fire, mate!
DUKE
Dreadnoks!
DUKE
Well now, three armed men against little ol' me! Okay, who's gonna be first?
BUZZER
Well actually, we're not here to fight.
DUKE
Oh, tryin' to improve your image, huh?
SCARLETT
What happened?
ROCK 'N ROLL
Hop in, Scarlett!
SCARLETT
Thanks, Rock 'n Roll! Let's get outta here!
ROADBLOCK
You Cobra goons, maybe this will even the odds a little!
DUKE
All right, let's get it over with!
RIPPER
This guy's one tough cookie!
ZARTAN
Hold him, you fools!
DUKE
Zartan!
ZARTAN
You were expecting maybe Spiderman?
ZARTAN
Do you think you can handle him now, you meatheads?
MUTT
Don't move a muscle or you've had it!
GUNG-HO
Out of ammo!
SCARLETT
Rock 'n Roll, get me a little closer so I can get a bead on that FANG copter!
ROCK 'N ROLL
Roger!
ROCK 'N ROLL
We're outta gas!
SCARLETT
How can they expect us to defend the base without giving us equipment that works?
ROCK 'N ROLL
It's Duke!
SCARLETT
He needs help!
COVER GIRL
Duke, get on!
ROADBLOCK
The Cobras are leavin'!
ROCK 'N ROLL
Just like that?
SCARLETT
Another senseless attack, like the one on the ship!
"DUKE"
Strange, isn't it, Cover Girl?
SCARLETT
The name is Scarlett!
"DUKE"
Oh, yeah, of course. Scarlett. That's what I meant.
MUTT
Hey, Duke, can you beat that? Cobra's turned tail and left!
"DUKE"
Hey! Get that mutt away from me!
MUTT
Mutt? Who ya callin' mutt? I'm Mutt!
"DUKE"
Whatever. Just get him away from me!
MUTT
Sorry, Duke. Guess he's kind of excited.
SCARLETT
If they come back, we've had it. We've got to do something.
"DUKE"
Uh, yeah, um, something.
GUNG-HO
Uh-oh. We got company.
"GEN. FRANKS"
What's the meaning of this? Who's in charge here?
DUKE
Um...uh...
SCARLETT
Duke, are you all right?
SCARLETT
Uh, sorry, General, but it was another Cobra attack.
"GEN. FRANKS"
But look at all this damage! It's a disgrace!
SCARLETT
May I remind the general that you cut off our fuel and supplies. Our planes have been grounded, and....
"GEN. FRANKS"
I don't care for your tone of voice, young woman!
EXT. SKY - DAY
INT. COBRA VTOL PLANE
ZARTAN
Cobra Commander, we have the prisoner.
COBRA COMMANDER
Oh, welcome. I do believe it's Duke, the famous leader of the G. I. Joes!
DUKE
I don't know what the game is, Cobra, but G. I. Joe will be on your tail faster than....
COBRA COMMANDER
My game is to make you and all your friends suffer before I crush G. I. Joe out of existence! As for a rescue, first they have to notice that you are gone!
DUKE
That's me! I don't believe it!
COBRA COMMANDER
Watch closely. The best is yet to come.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - AIRFIELD
"GEN. FRANKS"
You G. I. Joes have destroyed millions of dollars worth of equipment and property!
SCARLETT
Wait a minute! We didn't ask Cobra to attack us!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Yes, but if you weren't here, there would have been no attack at all. Your very existence is a threat to our national security!
ROADBLOCK
Is there somethin' wrong with my ears? I could swear they're not workin' right.
ROCK 'N ROLL
Mutt, is the general talkin' about us?
"GEN. FRANKS"
Therefore, by the power vested in my by the President of the United States, I order you to disband! From this moment on, there is no more G. I. Joe!
SCARLETT
You can't mean it!
MUTT
No, Junkyard!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Get away! Get away from me!
MUTT
Junkyard! Back off, boy!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Take that dog and have it destroyed!
MUTT
No way.
SCARLETT
General Franks, I protest!
"DUKE"
Scarlett, the general's right. We shouldn't interfere.
MUTT
Keep your hands off my dog!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Shoot that deserter!
M.P.
But sir, he's unarmed!
"GEN. FRANKS"
Give me that gun! I'll do it myself.
"GEN. FRANKS"
Soldier, you're under arrest for gross insubordination and striking an officer. After that deserter!
ROCK 'N ROLL
I'll get him for you, General!
SCARLETT
Oh, Duke, the whole world's gone crazy!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - PERIMETER
ROCK 'N ROLL
Mutt, don't move!
TO BE CONTINUED...

THE PHANTOM BRIGADE

2008-12-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

EXT. CARPATHIA - MUNITIONS FACTORY
MAJ. BLUDD
Major Bludd to Firebat One, proceed to rendezvous point. Let's make Custom Munitions very sorry they refused our business.
AVAC
Firebat One to Major Bludd, target is in range!
MAJ. BLUDD
Attack! Cobra!
OFFICER
Oh, no! Cobra tanks!
IVAN
Tolbukin, this is Ivan! We are under fire!
INT. MUNITIONS FACTORY
TOLBUKIN
I can't send, Ivan! The entire plant is under fire! We haven't enough men!
EXT. DESERT - MUNITIONS FACTORY
IVAN
We are lost!
INT. MUNITIONS FACTORY
TOLBUKIN
Ivan!
EXT. DESERT - MUNITIONS FACTORY
SCARLETT
Scarlett to SkyStrikers: Cobra's attacking the munitions factory. Let's get 'em.
JOES
Yo Joe!
MAJ. BLUDD
G. I. Joe SkyStrikers! They're on your bloody tails!
SCARLETT
You can run, Cobra, but you can't hide.
SCARLETT
Scarlett to convoy, Duke, come in. Please!
COVER GIRL
Cover Girl, here, Scarlett. We're almost at the gate. And, uh, don't worry about Duke. He's right here beside me.
SCARLETT
Yeah, I'll just bet he is.
DUKE
Move! Hit 'em hard and hit 'em fast!
TOLBUKIN
Sergeant, thank goodness you are here!
DUKE
Take cover!
DUKE
Stay with these two, Gung-Ho.
GUNG-HO
Check!
TOLBUKIN
We appreciate your help against Cobra.
GUNG-HO
Hey, you sound just like....
GUNG-HO
As I started to say, you sound just like Count Dracula.
TOLBUKIN
You scoff at our legends, but strange things happen in these Carpathian Mountains.
IVAN
The gypsies say they are haunted with ghosts and vampires.
GUNG-HO
What? No werewolves?
AVAC
Firebat One to squadron, return to base.
MAJ. BLUDD
No! Without air support, the ground troops will have to retreat!
AVAC
Tough! We're outnumbered and getting low on fuel!
MAJ. BLUDD
You're paid to follow orders!
AVAC
Can't spend the money if I'm six feet under!
ROADBLOCK
The snakes are turnin' tail!
DUKE
Good. I want this place secured before dark.
ROADBLOCK
No problem. Move it!
EXT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - NIGHT
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE
GYPSY
Unhand me, you reptiles!
GYPSY
Never touch a gypsy queen without permission, or your hands will shrivel up and fall of!
EEL
Whoa!
BARONESS
Fools, this way! Cobra Commander is waiting.
EXT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - NIGHT
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
So, they were getting low on fuel! A stupid excuse, Major Bludd.
MAJ. BLUDD
But they were also outnumbered!
COBRA COMMANDER
They were cowards! We pay them to fight, not flee!
COBRA COMMANDER
Ah, Baroness.
BARONESS
I have obeyed your order, Cobra Commander, but I caution you: Gypsy magic is very unpredictable. You tamper with forces that you do not under....
COBRA COMMANDER
Silence! You know what I want, old woman. Is it possible?
GYPSY
Those who die by accident or by treachery do not cross peacefully into the spirit realm. I know of three such restless spirits. They can be drawn to these objects which were dear to them in life.
BARONESS
This is madness. Ghosts in the service of Cobra?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, soldiers who do not fear death because they are already dead. A phantom brigade. Summon them at once.
GYPSY
With this ancient coin, I call upon the spirit of the past. Roman warrior, enter the realm of the living.
EXT. GRAVEYARD - NIGHT
ROMAN WARRIOR
Who calls?
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - CONTROL ROOM
GYPSY
With this wedding ring, I call upon the spirit of the past. Mongolian warrior, enter the realm of the living.
EXT. MOUNTAINS - NIGHT
MONGOLIAN WARRIOR [Morgan Lofting]
Yes. I am here.
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - CONTROL ROOM
GYPSY
Now with this locket, I call upon the spirit of the past. American warrior, enter the realm of the living.
EXT. SKIES - NIGHT
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - CONTROL ROOM
GYPSY
It is done.
COBRA COMMANDER
Spirits, I have summoned you to serve Cobra. You will do as I command.
ROMAN AND MONGOLIAN
We shall do your bidding, master.
COBRA COMMANDER
Gypsy, you said there were three. Where is the third spirit?
GYPSY
Ah, he appears now as we speak.
AMERICAN WARRIOR [Rob Paulsen]
Hi, everybody. Say, isn't that my locket?
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, pilot. And if you want it back, you shall do what I, your commanding officer, tell you to do!
EXT. MUNITIONS FACTORY - NIGHT
TOLBUKIN
Another Cobra attack?
DUKE
We don't know, but we're not takin' any chances. Take cover!
ALPINE
Holy cow! What's goin' on?
SNOW JOB
Is that a Cobra aircraft?
WILD BILL
Not unless they've switched from Stingers to biplanes. It's a spat! American plane, circa World War One!
SNOW JOB
What's he using for ammunition?
ALPINE
Beats me.
WILD BILL
How in tarnation's he stayin' airborne? Not enough linen on those wings to fly a kite!
SNOW JOB
Our lasers are passing right through it!
SCARLETT
Look!
ROADBLOCK
What is it?
SCARLETT
She iced it over!
ROADBLOCK
Yeah, and I repeat, what is it?
SCARLETT
A hologram, maybe. My jammer arrow will break up the image.
ROADBLOCK
Uh-oh.
ROADBLOCK
What kinda weapon's Cobra got?
INT. AMMUNITION FACTORY - STOREHOUSE
QUICK KICK
Let me guess. Great Caesar's ghost, right?
ROMAN
No. Merely a centurion.
QUICK KICK
Hey!
QUICK KICK
Anti-gravity weapon. We're in big trouble.
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Soon G. I. Joe will be destroyed. My phantom brigade is winning!
COBRA COMMANDER
I shall have no need of living agents at all, not even you, Baroness.
BARONESS
The night is not yet over, Commander.
EXT. MUNITIONS FACTORY - NIGHT
THUNDER
Look out!
WILD BILL
I want a look at that bird! Or what's left of her!
WILD BILL
Yeehaw! Gotcha!
WILD BILL
Where the samhill?
DUKE
Wild Bill, a plane's strafing the factory! We're pinned down in a pile of explosives!
WILD BILL
Wouldn't be a biplane, would it?
DUKE
Now that you mention it, yes!
SCARLETT
Tolbukin, are you all right?
TOLBUKIN
I seem to be.
DUKE
So, Cobra has a stealth device that lets a plane sneak past radar!
ROADBLOCK
What kind of weapon haven't they got? Somethin' doesn't jibe here.
BARONESS
That is because you do not understand what you are fighting.
SCARLETT
Baroness! What are you doing here?
BARONESS
I come in peace. You must learn the secret of the phantom brigade.
ROADBLOCK
The which?
BARONESS
You are being attacked by ghosts. Your weapons are useless against them.
TOLBUKIN
Ghosts....
DUKE
You don't expect us to believe that!
BARONESS
It is true! A gypsy summoned these spirits to serve Cobra.
SCARLETT
And why are you telling us this?
BARONESS
Call it job security. If the ghosts defeat you, Cobra Commander may no longer need my services. The ghosts are bound to this world by three objects which Cobra Commander possesses: a locket, a wedding ring, and an ancient coin.
EXT. MUNITIONS FACTORY - NIGHT
DUKE
So, to send the ghosts packin', we gotta get those objects and give 'em a proper burial. I'm not asking you to believe any of this, but the Baroness did tell me where Cobra's hideout, so let's take it out!
DUKE
What?
SCARLETT
Uh-oh. It's our friend again!
THUNDER
Run for it!
WILD BILL
C'mon, Cover Girl. He's not disappearin' on me this time!
AMERICAN
So, they want a dogfight, eh?
WILD BILL
Hooey! That guy's some kinda pilot!
COVER GIRL
We're hit!
COVER GIRL
Aren't you gonna return the fire?
WILD BILL
Not 'til I know who I'm a-shootin' at.
COVER GIRL
How about that smoke comin' out of our tail?
WILD BILL
Aw, we're just singed a little bit. Let's tell him who we are!
WILD BILL
I've had this flag in here since last Veteran's Day. Hold it against the canopy!
COVER GIRL
If you say so!
AMERICAN
I gotcha now! Oh my gosh, they're American!
COVER GIRL
He stopped firing!
WILD BILL
Yep. He's on our side! I like to use my head before I use my guns.
COVER GIRL
Why, that pilot's just a kid!
AMERICAN
Hey, that's some flyin' machine you've got there. What outfit you with?
WILD BILL
G. I. Joe.
AMERICAN
Never heard of it. But I've been away from home for months. Say, why are you lookin' at me that way?
WILD BILL
I ain't lookin' at you. I'm lookin' through you.
COVER GIRL
Total emptiness! There's nothing there!
ROADBLOCK
That's 'cause he's a ghost.
ROMAN
He speaks with the master's enemies.
MONGOLIAN
His ties with the living have not been broken.
AMERICAN
I had a close call with one of the Kaiser's boys this morning, but...I...can't be...dead!
DUKE
Back off, you buzzards!
AMERICAN
My girlfriend Jenny, I wonder if she's dead, too? My CO's keeping the locket she gave me until I get back to base.
DUKE
Does this commanding officer of yours wear a mask?
AMERICAN
Yeah. And he hisses a lot.
ROMAN
We serve Cobra Commander, he who summoned us from the void.
MONGOLIAN
We obey him and destroy his enemies!
MONGOLIAN
Obey and destroy!
AMERICAN
Stop! You're hurting them! You were alive once! Don't you remember what it felt like to hurt , or to love?
MONGOLIAN
Yes. I remember. My husband...he died soon after we were married. I loved him very much.
AMERICAN
I know what I'm doing is wrong, but 'til I get Jenny's locket back, I must follow the Commander's orders.
DUKE
Then we'll try and get it back for you, son, but we might need your help.
AMERICAN
I'll do what I can, and try to convince the others, too.
EXT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - NIGHT
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - CONTROL ROOM
SNOW SERPENT
Alert! Alert! Urgent message for Cobra Commander!
COBRA COMMANDER
Yes, what is it?
SNOW SERPENT
The Joes are planning something big!
COBRA COMMANDER
Stay at your post until you know what it is.
COBRA COMMANDER
The ghosts should've finished G. I. Joe by now.
EXT. CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS - NIGHT
SNOW JOB
Let's move, or we'll miss our rendezvous with the assault team!
EXT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - NIGHT
SCARLETT
I never thought we'd be getting tactical support from the spirit world.
ROADBLOCK
I wonder what it feels like...you know, after.
DUKE
Get ready to jump! Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
DUKE
Our blast from the past is back!
GUNG-HO
Just in time to get us inside.
DUKE
Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
COBRAS
Cobra!
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - COURTYARD
DUKE
Airborne, Rip Cord, hold the courtyard! Gung-Ho, we're goin' snake huntin'!
GUNG-HO
Right behind ya!
DUKE
Cobra Commander's around here somewhere.
GREENSHIRT
If he gives you guys the slip, don't worry. He won't get past us.
EXT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - NIGHT
MAJ. BLUDD
Cobra Commander and his bloody ghosts!
MAJ. BLUDD
Bludd to Stinger Squadron! Prepare to launch! I need help with this Joe Hovercraft!
EXT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - LAUNCH PAD
AVAC
N-n-negative on the launch, Major Bludd!
MAJ. BLUDD
Worthless, bloody fools! I'll do it myself!
MAJ. BLUDD
I've got them! Nothing can save them now!
WILD BILL
Here comes nothin', sport!
WILD BILL
I'll have somebody else pick you up, Major. I don't go bobbin' for rotten apples!
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
No! Everywhere I look, G. I.&nbp;Joes! My plans are ruined! What happened to those stupid ghosts?
ROMAN
We have come, Cobra Commander, to take back what is ours.
COBRA COMMANDER
No! Stay back! I command you!
MONGOLIAN
We are no man's slaves. We three are bound to this world by those objects, not by your will.
COBRA COMMANDER
No! Leave me alone!
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - STAIRS
DUKE
Hold it, fang face!
COBRA COMMANDER
No!
INT. CARPATHIAN CASTLE - DUNGEON
SKELETON
Cobra Commander...
COBRA COMMANDER
Who spoke my name? Who's there?
SKELETON
You must release all your souls or pay the price!
COBRA COMMANDER
Stay away from me!
SKELETON
Return what does not belong to you!
COBRA COMMANDER
No. No! No!
SKELETON
Return them!
COBRA COMMANDER
All right! Here! Take them!
SKELETON
One day, you will meet your fate, and we will be waiting.
COBRA COMMANDER
NO! LET ME GO!
DUKE
Holy boiled mackeral!
GUNG-HO
Duke, look. The head snake's made a break for it.
DUKE
It's okay. We got what we came for.
AMERICAN
My dear Jenny, I loved you so.
ROMAN
I carried this for good luck, and lost it gambling one night.
MONGOLIAN
My dear husband, we shall be together at last.
EXT. BURIAL SITE
DUKE
I guess our work's done here. Come on, Joes. Time to go home.

MONEY TO BURN

2008-12-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

EXT. CITY - NIGHT
EXT. DOCK - NIGHT
WOMAN
Ain't they perty?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Yes. But this (X) is prettier, isn't it?
WOMAN
Large bills? Good. I don't wanna strain myself carryin' 'em.
WOMAN
What are they, crazy or sumpin'?
DRIVER [Bill Ratner]
Wow. You guys is amazing! Workin' for you is like goin' to the circus! Anyway, here's the truck you wanted.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Good. Let's start (T) loading the merchandise.
EXT. CITY - DAWN
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - PARKING GARAGE
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SECRETARIES' OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) We'll be (T) out for a while. (X) We have an appointment.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Crimson Guard to Cobra Commander. (X) Mission accomplished. (T and X) We're coming in.
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - LAB
COBRA COMMANDER
So Destro, is the thermomolecular ignition transmitter ready?
DESTRO
Yes, Commander. I am about to make the first test.
COBRA COMMANDER
Success at last, Destro! By tomorrow the United States shall be ours!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
ACE
All right, you goldbricks. Pony up. Who's got the courage to stay and see these beauties?
ROADBLOCK
Hmm, not me, unless you wanna stake me.
ACE
You guys gonna fold or be sorry?
ALPINE
You know, luck's like climbing mountains. You hit the peak and there's nowhere to go but down.
ACE
Oh, I'm at the peak all right, but I'm pitchin' camp. Rip Cord, are you in or out?
RIP CORD
I think you're flying without a chute.
ACE
Read 'em and weep, fellas. I got a....
THUNDER
What the...!
ROADBLOCK
Did all your cash just do the big flash?
ACE
When I find out who did this,....
BREAKER
I think I've got your man.
COBRA COMMANDER
Attention, citizens!
VARIOUS LOCATIONS
COBRA COMMANDER (CONT., V.O.)
Due to the financial irresponsibility and incompetence of your leaders, Cobra has found it necessary to restructure your nation's economy. We have begun by eliminating the worthless green paper which your government has deceived you into believing is valuable. Cobra will come to your rescue. And out of the ashes will arise a new order!
OLD LADY
Henry!
EXT. WASHINGTON - DEPT. OF THE TREASURY
CROWD
We want money! We want money!, etc.
INT. DEPT. OF THE TREASURY
TREASURY SECRETARY
Cobra has us exactly where they want us, helpless. In less than a week, buying and selling have been replaced by rioting and looting.
FLINT
And you can't re-establish order until you print new currency.
LADY JAYE
And you can't print new currency, because Cobra will just destroy it.
ROADBLOCK
Yeah, in short, Cobra's got us basting over a fire.
TREASURY SECRETARY
And time is on their side. With every passing day, the economy sinks deeper into chaos.
LADY JAYE
So Cobra Commander just has to sit back and wait for the country to fall into his hands.
FLINT
Then we have one thing goin' for us. He doesn't know how to wait.
LABORER
Hey, boss! That hissin' fool's on the TV again!
COBRA COMMANDER
Citizens of the United States, I am pleased to announce Cobra's economic recovery plan. If you want money to buy food for your children, take all your valuables to the nearest branch of Extensive Enterprises. There, all goods will be exchanged for Cobra currency.
FLINT
That's it! We've got our lead. Let's pay a visit to Extensive Enterprises.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
LADY JAYE
Flint, look!
MEAN GUY [Chris Latta]
Hey, get in line!
MEAN GUY
Are you deaf? I said get in line!
MEAN GUY
Unless you want more o' that, do like I said.
RIP CORD
Leave her alone! We didn't come here to fight!
WOMAN
You've got a fight now, fly boy!
FLINT
No, don't fight back! We want to prevent a riot, not start one!
FLINT
Folks, please! Please listen to me! Fighting will only make things worse!
COWBOY [Michael Bell]
You stay put, Lily.
LILY
'Kay, dad.
COWBOY
Here, fellas. I got somethin' to tie up them yahoos with.
WOMAN
Look! In the truck!
LILY
Daddy, save me!
LILY
Daddy!
COWBOY
My daughter!
LILY
Daddy!
COWBOY
Thanks, mister. I ain't seen ropin' like that since the '66 county fair! Let 'em go! They saved my daughter's life!
MAN
Well, I guess he's right.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - LOBBY
ROADBLOCK
This must be the welcoming committee.
SECURITY GUARD #1
You can't come in here. I've got my orders!
ROADBLOCK
You got orders, too?
SECURITY GUARD #2
Uh, take the elevator right up to the penthouse!
SECURITY GUARD #1
They're in the elevator now.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - SECRETARIES' OFFICE
SECRETARY
All right, stay back! Do any of you have an appointment?
THUNDER
My turn.
SECRETARY
Young man!
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Would you mind? (T) This is a place of business. (X) Please, Miss Henderhaunch, (T) ignore this intrusion.
FLINT
Cut the act, you clowns. We know you're working for Cobra.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) On the contrary, we're merely acting (X) as brokers for a client, in return (T) for a percentage of the gross. (X) We've done nothing (T) illegal. Cobra's money is (X) as good as anyone's. (T) In fact, (X) these days, (T) it's better. (X) After all, (T) these are troubled times.
ROADBLOCK
I'm gonna trouble your faces into pasta!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Sorry about this interruption, Madeline. (X) Why don't we continue our talk on the plane tomorrow?
MISS HENDERHAUNCH [Mary McDonald-Lewis]
All right. Nine o'clock sharp. But never keep a Henderhaunch waiting.
FLINT
They're right. They're within the law. There's nothing we can do.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Are you (T) still here?
LADY JAYE, ROADBLOCK, AND FLINT
(L) Uh, we were hoping (R) you'd show us (F) back to the elevator.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
Hmm?
EXT. AIRPORT - MORNING
MISS HENDERHAUNCH
I really don't see why an escort is necessary.
COBRA
Sorry, lady. We've got our orders.
THUNDER
Bombs away!
MISS HENDERHAUNCH
Get lost! Old ruffian!
LADY JAYE
Please, Miss Henderhaunch.
ROADBLOCK
We're real sorry about this, ma'am.
FLINT
All right, let's get this show on the road.
EXT. AIRPORT - DAY
THUNDER
We did it!
FLINT
Good. Now let's check on our guest. I have a feeling Miss Henderhaunch is going to be perturbed.
MISS HENDERHAUNCH
Marvelous. This gentleman has just given me the most wonderful recipe for soufflé.
ROADBLOCK
Hey, man. I'm a gourmet.
EXT. SKY - DAY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Soon you will see that there's no safer place for your valuables (X) than with our associates at Cobra.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
I'm certainly impressed with your security, especially since you haven't even told me where we're going.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Such precautions are necessary (T) to deter potential spies.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Hmm, spies. Yes, I...I suppose.
EXT. AIRPORT - DAY
FLINT
Lady Jaye's homing signal. Let's scramble.
JOES
Yo Joe!
MISS HENDERHAUNCH
Yo Joe!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ACE
Ace to Flint, target is descending!
RIP CORD
Over the Rockies? They're crazy! They're gonna crash into that mountain!
ACE
The plane! It's...it's gone! But I don't get any crash signs on infrared.
EXT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - DAY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) As you see, our vault (T) is completely secure.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Hmm, I should say so.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) In addition to the ground troops, (T) Cobra polar assault troops are in constant readiness.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Very impressive. But may I see the vault itself?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Of course. I'll escort you inside (X) while I check in with our business associates.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
RIP CORD
We're still getting Lady Jaye's signal. It's weaker, but it seems to be coming from inside the mountain.
ACE
That's impossible!
RIP CORD
Wanna hear somethin' even stranger? That mountain's invisible on radar.
ACE
Maybe the cold climate's affecting the instruments.
RIP CORD
Or that mountain isn't there.
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - VAULT
TOMAX
This entire Cobra temple is our vault. Look, the treasure already, uh, given over to our care.
TOMAX
As you can see, this is the largest stockpile of tangible assets ever assembled.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Astounding. Uh, what's in here?
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - MINT
TOMAX
Oh, it's not important, really. Just an ancillary operation.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
I see.
TOMAX
Well, tour's over. What do you think? Ready to trust our bank?
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Uh, what's in there?
TOMAX
Why, just....
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - LAB
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Looks like some kind of big radio.
TOMAX
We have to, uh, keep in touch with the New York office.
"MISS HENDERHAUNCH"
Oh, that makes sense. Just one more question: Did you really expect anyone to swallow such utter hogwash?
XAMOT
I wondered what was taking so long!
TOMAX
She's a spy! I've got her gun!
LADY JAYE
But you don't have me!
LADY JAYE
Huh, a double play!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ACE
Lady Jaye's signal has stopped.
RIP CORD
She must be in trouble!
INT. COBRA MOUNTAIN TEMPLE - MINT
CRIMSON GUARD
Keep your weapons at the ready.
CRIMSON GUARD
Up there!
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - ROOF
SNOW SERPENT
What's the racket?
LADY JAYE
I don't know. Why don't you have a look?
LADY JAYE
This is one time I don't mind getting the boot.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
RIP CORD
We can't wait any longer. I'm jumpin'!
ACE
And splatter yourself on that mountain?
RIP CORD
Only if it's really there, Ace.
ACE
Rip Cord, what are you waiting for? Pop your chute!
RIP CORD
Not yet! My instincts say that mountain isn't there!
ACE
Pull the cord, you maniac! That mountain is real!
RIP CORD
You might be right, but it's too late now!
RIP CORD
Yo Joe!
ACE
Rip Cord, can you read me?
RIP CORD
Ace, this is wild! I just fell through a hologram!
RIP CORD
Flint, this is Rip Cord! I'm over it! Snake city! But I'm gonna need some help! Do you read?
INT. CARGO PLANE - HOLD
FLINT
This is Flint, Rip Cord! We read you! And as for help, you've got it! All right, let's move out!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - HANGAR
COBRA COMMANDER
Destro, Baroness! The Joes have found us! Man your Flight Pods! Lead the assault forces!
DESTRO
Where are you going, Commander?
COBRA COMMANDER
I shall be directing the battle from a remote location.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
FLINT
Nothin' out there but snow. Where are they?
FLINT
Keep your eyes peeled.
COBRAS
Cobra!
THUNDER
Yahoo! Music to my ears!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
LADY JAYE
Oh, no!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) I'll go collect her, (X) if she's still alive.
ROADBLOCK
Come on, Cobra, meet your mongoose!
DESTRO
They are following our plan perfectly. Melt the snow, Firefly!
ROADBLOCK
Uh-oh! Shoulda brought my swimmin' trunks!
JOE
Can you move it?
JOE
No, it's up over our tracks!
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - ROOF
INT. COBRA TEMPLE - LAB
CRIMSON GUARD
Make certain no unauthorized personnel get near the thermomolecular ignition transmitter.
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
TOMAX
Hmm. A pity such a beautiful woman had to perish.
LADY JAYE
Your victims all have one thing in common: longevity!
TOMAX
I'm always willing to compete in a contest of strength with someone so obviously inferior.
LADY JAYE
I feel the same way...about intelligence!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
JOE
Nothin' but mud!
JOE
Here, give me a hand!
FLINT
Everyone all right?
ROADBLOCK
Just a wee bit waterlogged!
THUNDER
Roadblock, look out!
BARONESS
Surrender! We have you, G. I. Joe! Our remote-controlled ASPs will take care of you!
FLINT
Oh yeah? Well, here's mud in your eye!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
XAMOT
It's not over yet, my dear. There are two of us, remember?
TOMAX
Xamot! What hit you? I'm coming Xamot! Hold on!
LADY JAYE
Oh, no you don't.
TOMAX
You and I still have a score to settle.
LADY JAYE
Boy! That's what I call telegraphing your punches.
TOMAX
Enough! I give up!
FLINT
I didn't even touch him!
LADY JAYE
Two for the price of one.
EXT. COBRA TEMPLE - ROOF
COBRA
G. I. Joe! Well, time for bye-bye, Joe!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ALPINE
Can't hold out much longer, Roadblock.
ROADBLOCK
Aw, relax. This can't go on for more than a couple weeks!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
RIP CORD
Five...four...three...two...one!
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - DAY
ROADBLOCK
Pennies from heaven?
BARONESS
Greedy fools, forget the money! It's only a gold-plated copper polymer alloy! It will do you no good if the Joes defeat us!
ROADBLOCK
Quick, while they're distracted! Knock out those ASPs!
JOES
Yo Joe!
BARONESS
Greedy fools! Bah!
ROADBLOCK
What say we deposit these turkeys for a long term in the bank of Tsing Tsing?
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - CLIFF
LADY JAYE
Flint, the Crimson Guard Commanders are gone.
FLINT
Don't worry about it, Lady Jaye. Personally, I was getting sick about seeing double anyway.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
ACE
Well, now that we've got some money back on the table, let's finish this game.
ACE
All right, just shove it over here. I've got a flush.
ACE
By the way, I've been dying to find out, Rip Cord, old buddy. You never finished telling us how you got past that polar trooper.
RIP CORD
No big deal. I tied his shoelaces together. When he went for me, he fell flat on his face.
RIP CORD
Just like you're about to do. I've got a full house, and you've got an empty wallet!
ACE
Terrific. Just like Cobra. You've got money to burn.

SATELLITE DOWN

2008-12-23T16:29:00.002-08:00

EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
BREAKER (V.O.)
Diagnostics complete. All circuits are functional.
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
BREAKER (CONT., V.O.)
And now we can keep an eye on Cobra wherever that snake is.
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
FLINT
What's that, Breaker?
BREAKER
I don't know. Somethin's pullin' the satellite out of orbit.
FLINT
Not something. Somebody. Cobra.
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
DESTRO
And now, Commander, we have complete control of G. I. Joe's spy satellite.
COBRA COMMANDER
Excellent. They shall soon see who has the superior technology.
EXT. SPACE - EARTH ORBIT
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
It's no good, Flint. Cobra's ray is overriding my controls. We're losin' her!
FLINT
Then scrub the mission. Bring the bird down.
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Destro, something's wrong. We no longer have control.
DESTRO
But neither do they. They have forced re-entry. Track the satellite and deploy troops to the landing site. We'll steal it from them on the ground.
EXT. UPPER ATMOSPHERE - OVER AFRICA
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
It's headin' for Africa.
FLINT
Give me an expanded view.
BREAKER
Well, Cobra doesn't have the satellite.
FLINT
The problem is, neither do we. Look, if we have anyone in that landing sector, flash 'em a Code Red. And warn 'em they're on their own until we can get there.
EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE - DAY
SPIRIT
Dusty, this is Spirit. Flint reports our satellite has crashed in this unexplored region.
DUSTY
Yeah, roger on that, Spirit, but I know a little about this territory. There was an expedition in here about twenty years ago. The explorers were never seen again.
SPIRIT
No survivors?
DUSTY
Uh, one, fellow named MacIntosh. But by the time they found him, he wasn't really playin' with a full deck. They say he came back here to live like a hermit.
SPIRIT
Dusty, I'm picking up something hot on the infrared scan.
EXT. JUNGLE HUT - DAY
DUSTY
I read it, and it's no barbecue.
SPIRIT
That's Storm Shadow!
DUSTY
You can be sure if it's Cobra, he's up to some snaky trick.
SPIRIT
We must land, and help him clean up his act.
STORM SHADOW
I felt your presence, Spirit.
SPIRIT
And now, you shall feel my wrath.
DUSTY
Forget the wrath, Spirit. I've got a laser.
VOICE (O.C.)
Help!
SPIRIT
Someone is in the cabin.
DUSTY
You go. I'll watch our masked friend here.
STORM SHADOW
Cobra!
DUSTY
Okay, Stormie. Let's see your kung-fool!
STORM SHADOW
I'd finish you, Joe, but that would deprive me of the opportunity to humiliate you again someday.
DUSTY
He pulled some o' that ninja hocus pocus on me.
SPIRIT
No matter. We shall meet again, soon.
EXT. AFRICAN JUNGLE - DAY
LADY JAYE
Cobra's got a big head start.
MACINTOSH [John Stephenson?]
It doesn't matter. They'll never get past the primords.
LADY JAYE
Primords?
SPIRIT
Mythical human creatures more ape than man.
MACINTOSH
Mythical, huh? Well, then they mythically wiped out my whole expedition!
DUSTY
Expedition? Well then, holy macaroni, you're MacIntosh,the hermit!
MACINTOSH
MacIntosh I am, but I'm no hermit. I just live in an out-of-the-way neighborhood.
EXT. RAVINE - DAY
DUSTY
That first step is mighty big. I hope you all tested this bridge.
FLINT
Not yet. We were just....
LADY JAYE
Just about to do that!
DUSTY
That Lady Jaye's got guts, Flint. You like girls with guts?
FLINT
Professionally, yes. Personally, I'd like to see her stick around a while longer.
SPIRIT
Cobra Trubble Bubbles.
FLINT
And CLAWs!
DUSTY
Yo Joe!
LADY JAYE
I hate high places!
MACINTOSH
I hate bein' a duck in a shootin' gallery!
LADY JAYE
And I hate falling!
MACINTOSH
Fallin's okay! It's landin' that gets ya!
FLINT
Lady Jaye! No!
DUSTY
Don't fret, Flint. She's a survivor.
FLINT
Yeah, and we don't have time to worry. We got a mission to complete. Radio for the Bridgelayer.
DUSTY
The snakes are slitherin' back to their den.
EXT. RIVER - DAY
SPIRIT
Freedom, old friend. I am glad to see you.
LADY JAYE
I'd be gladder if I knew where we were. Any idea, MacIntosh.
MACINTOSH
Nay, but I'll figure it out sooner or later.
SPIRIT
The satellite is somewhere west of us. If we find it, Flint will find us.
INT. COBRA BASE - CONTROL ROOM
COBRA COMMANDER
Storm Shadow, what is your progress?
STORM SHADOW
I sense an extremely disturbing presence, Commander.
COBRA COMMANDER
I'm not interested in what you sense! I want that satellite!
DESTRO
Storm Shadow has extraordinary intution. I would not dismiss it lightly.
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
SPIRIT
Interesting. A cutting stone. My ancient ancestors made tools like this.
LADY JAYE
But we're looking for a satellite, Spirit. Not artifacts.
SPIRIT
You do not understand. This tool was made recently.
STORM SHADOW
Attack!
CRIMSON GUARDS
Cobra!
MACINTOSH
Thanks partner. I didna think I still had it in me.
MACINTOSH
Primords. We need no' worry. They're only mythical!
LADY JAYE
I've seen this kind of creature in museums, but these are a lot more lifelike, and a lot less friendly.
SPIRIT
Fly, mighty one. Seek those who can aid us.
STORM SHADOW
There is a time to fight and a time to flee. It is wise to know the difference.
EXT. RAVINE - DAY
FLINT
Time! It's taking too much time!
DUSTY
Relax, Flint. Rome wasn't built in a day.
FLINT
Who needs Rome? All I want is one lousy bridge! I'm sorry, Dusty. I guess I'm worried about Lady Jaye.
DUSTY
It's okay. We all are.
EXT. PRIMORD VILLAGE - DAY
LADY JAYE
They may be primitives, but they make a good grade of rope. Maybe a little too good.
SPIRIT
This is a sacred place to them, a place of worship.
MACINTOSH
Well, I'm glad it isn't their kitchen.
STORM SHADOW
This is not an honorable way for a warrior to meet his end!
LADY JAYE
Then it should suit you perfectly.
STORM SHADOW
You shall suffer for that insult.
SPIRIT
The satellite.
STORM SHADOW
Why have they painted it like that?
MACINTOSH
They think it's a god! The blinkin' lights are its eyes, flashin' with anger!
LADY JAYE
Anger? Uh, at anyone we know?
MACINTOSH
Put it this way. If you've got anything against human sacrifice, this would be a good time to leave.
LADY JAYE
You know, fellas, it doesn't have to be ladies first!
EXT. RAVINE - DAY
EXT. JUNGLE -DAY
DUSTY
Somethin' mighty big went down here. From the laser burns on those trees, I'd bet Cobras and Joes were involved.
FLINT
Maybe Lady Jaye did make it!
DUSTY
What the... Flint! Over there!
DUSTY
It's Freedom! Where's Spirit?
DUSTY
Where's your master?
FLINT
Easy, Dusty. It's just a bird. It can't answer you.
DUSTY
That bird wants us to follow him.
FLINT
Maybe he does. Let's go!
EXT. PRIMORD VILLAGE - SUNSET
LADY JAYE
Okay, it's true! I admit it! I use a hair rinse. Can I go now?
SPIRIT
Storm Shadow, unless we work together, we shall not live to resolve our differences.
STORM SHADOW
Agreed. We must unite against our common foe. Then, one day I alone will defeat you.
SPIRIT
Freedom!
LADY JAYE
Sorry. Can't stay for the final act, but we've got a satellite to catch.
LADY JAYE
I think we've worn out our welcome.
LADY JAYE
Why?
SPIRIT
A debt of honor. And we shall need all the help we can get. As my tribal shaman would say, let us depart this condition of being.
LADY JAYE
In other words, let's split!
SPIRIT
Follow the path of least resistance!
MACINTOSH
Watch out!
SPIRIT
Yo Joe!
LADY JAYE
Never thought I'd be rootin' for Storm Shadow. Let's get outta here!
LADY JAYE
Aw, give me a break!
MACINTOSH
It's their kids!
LADY JAYE
Storm Shadow, no!
LADY JAYE
What have you done? They're just children!
STORM SHADOW
They are enemies! Such ridiculous compassion for your foes is the Joe Team's fatal weakness! Our alliance ends now!
LADY JAYE
Thanks, but you can't stop 'em all!
FLINT
Yo Joe!
LADY JAYE
Flint!
FLINT
That's it, boys!
FLINT
Lady Jaye, I...I was worried about you.
LADY JAYE
Well, that doesn't exactly make me unhappy, you know.
DUSTY
Spirit! Good to see you.
DUSTY
I don't believe it! There really are primords!
MACINTOSH
Nay. It's probably just the heat gettin' to ya.
SPIRIT
The primords found the satellite, and Cobra now knows where it is.
DUSTY
Yeah, well, Cobra's the least of our worries at the moment.
FLINT
Everybody, watch it!
SPIRIT
The boy must be the chief's son.
PRIMORD CHIEF
Orto. Orto!
PRIMORD CHIEF
Orto!
FLINT
Orto? What's it mean?
LADY JAYE
It means "Thank you." I saved his son's life, so we're friends now. I think.
FLINT
Well, good, 'cause we're gonna need friends.
EXT. PRIMORD VILLAGE - NIGHT
FLINT
Yo Joe!
JOES
Yo Joe!
STORM SHADOW
Attack! Cobra!
PRIMORD
Orto. Orto! Yo Joe!
DUSTY
Huh?
PRIMORD
Yo Joe! Yo Joe!
DUSTY
Say, chief, I think you've got the right idea!
STORM SHADOW
Cobra!
STORM SHADOW
This weapon was centuries old!
SPIRIT
And now it is broken, as your code of honor was broken when you deserted us.
STORM SHADOW
No man accuses Storm Shadow of that, you least of all!
LADY JAYE
Mind if I borrow this for a minute?
LADY JAYE
That is called teamwork.
PRIMORD
Yo Joe!
FLINT
Right. Yo Joe. And orto! Thanks!
DUSTY
Flint! Up there!
FLINT
You wouldn't want to leave so soon! The fun's just beginning!
CRIMSON GUARD
Sorry, Joe! This FANG's not big enough for the both of us! So long, Joe!
STORM SHADOW
This...is not...our...time!
STORM SHADOW
But there will be another time, that I promise!
EXT. JUNGLE - DAY
LADY JAYE
You know, Flint, I'm not sure Headquarters is going to be all that happy with the way you busted up their satellite.
DUSTY
No sweat, Lady Jaye. All the data is safely inside these computer chips.
SPIRIT
It is the primords who should be upset. We dismantled their god.
LADY JAYE
I just hope they're happy with the replacement we left them.
FLINT
And I hope they won't decide to worship it.
SPIRIT
Do not fear. The primords are creatures of nature. They will know what to do with it.
INT. PRIMORD HUT
TOOTHBRUSHES (singing)
For whiter teeth, it can't be beat!
For fresher breath, it's the best!
For healthier gums, go getcha some
Happy Fresh Toothpaste today!
PRIMORD VILLAGE - CHIEF'S HUT
PRIMORD CHIEF
Yo Joe!
PRIMORDS
Yo Joe! Yo Joe! Yo Joe! Yo Joe! Yo Joe! Yo....

RED ROCKET'S GLARE

2008-12-23T16:29:00.001-08:00

EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN JUNGLE - DAY
RECONDO
Nothin' like a nice stroll, huh, Roadblock?
ROADBLOCK
Bugs and snakes and jungle, this job ain't fun anymore. How's about we take five?
RECONDO
Sure. Take five startin' now.
EXT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE - DAY
DESTRO
You're late. Again you fail me! However, I am in a generous mood today. I shall spare your life, but your incompetence has cost you the gold I promised. Take him away!
EXT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE - DAY
BLOWTORCH
Destro must feel mighty secure. He hasn't even a guard out here!
RECONDO
Maybe 'cause no one's every been able to get over this ravine without Destro's help. But that's gonna change any minute now.
RECONDO
Okay, it oughta hold. Tollbooth, you and the Bridgelayer can do your trick now!
RECONDO
Okay men, let's hit 'em!
JOES
Yo Joe!
INT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE
DESTRO
No! Not now! Not when the project is so near completion!
EXT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE - DAY
BLOWTORCH
Cover me, you old goats!
INT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE
DESTRO
There. It's done. Now nothing can stop Cobra.
DESTRO
Stop that man!
DESTRO
No guns, you fools! You'll hit my experiment!
DESTRO
Very impressive, but too crude and too late. Farewell, Joe!
BLOWTORCH
I had 'im! I had 'im and I blew it!
EXT. COBRA JUNGLE BASE - DAY
ROADBLOCK
That's right. Just keep movin'.
RECONDO
Let's see how Blowtorch is makin' out.
ROADBLOCK
There's the kid now.
BLOWTORCH
I torched the lab, but Destro was slitherin' out the back...as usual.
ROADBLOCK
What about the weapon he was workin' on?
BLOWTORCH
He was carryin' somethin', but I couldn't tell what it was.
RECONDO
Then it was closer to completion than we thought. That Indian kid musta brought Destro some final ingredient he needed.
ROADBLOCK
You done good. Now come on outta your gear before you boil over. Headquarters will decide the next move.
RECONDO
At least Destro won't be usin' this base again.
ROADBLOCK
Not a bad day's work, kid.
EXT. COUNTRY TOWN - DAY
INT. COBRA HIDEOUT
DESTRO
So, you are all here.
COBRA COMMANDER
Where is my new weapon?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Were you able to complete it (T) and bring it out safely?
DESTRO
I was not about to let two years' work go up in smoke. The photon disintegrator is safe, and ready for Cobra's use.
EXT. CALIFORNIA ROAD - DAY
RECONDO
Two weeks' rest and recreation for a job well done.
ROADBLOCK
Beats the heck outta that lousy jungle!
RECONDO
For the next two weeks, our mission is toolin' up the coast.
ROADBLOCK
And samplin' the local cuisine.
RECONDO
Speakin' of which, I'm starved. Let's check out that drive-in.
ROADBLOCK
No way! The food in those joins is awful. Besides which, in another hour, we'll be at my aunt and uncle's new restaurant. Wait until you taste my Uncle Caleb's chicken.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN - DAY
ROADBLOCK
I don't believe it! Uncle Caleb opened a Red Rocket drive-in?
RECONDO
It figures. We've only seen about fifty of 'em on the way here. Come on, let's check it out.
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN
CALEB BRONSON [Buster Jones]
That's it. The only thing we got left are these blasted bills!
SARAH BRONSON [Mary McDonald-Lewis?]
Don't, worry so much, Caleb. We'll get by somehow.
ROADBLOCK (O.C.)
Any chance of gettin' somethin' to eat around here?
SARAH
Oh, my goodness, Caleb, look! It's Marvin!
ROADBLOCK
Heya, Aunt Sarah!
CALEB
Marvin, it's good to see my favorite nephew!
ROADBLOCK
Uncle Caleb, how you doin'?
SARAH
Oh, Marvin, it's good to see you!
ROADBLOCK
Call me Roadblock, okay? Not Marvin.
ROADBLOCK
This snickerin' ape here's Recondo, the Joes' Jungle Trooper. He can find an eyelash you lost in the woods two years ago.
RECONDO
Howdy.
CALEB
We lost our shirts. Can he find those?
RECONDO
Huh?
SARAH
Now Caleb, don't trouble the boy.
ROADBLOCK
Hey, no keepin' anything away from me. Out with it. What's goin' on?
CALEB
We bought into this Red Rocket chain with our retirement money. At first it looked like we had ourselves a gold mine.
SARAH
We had customers comin' out of our ears.
RECONDO
So how come the place is deserted?
CALEB
'Cause somebody started scarin' the people away.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 (near San Simeon, CA) - DAY
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
ROADBLOCK
And there they are. Come on, Recondo. We'll scare the pimples right off o' those punks!
RECONDO
Yeah, we'll teach 'em to mess up your uncle's business!
SARAH
Boys, please no!
CALEB
You think I'm so old I can't handle a bunch o' kids? They're the customers!
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 - DAY
CALEB (O.C.)
It's those guys, nephew! The ones with the cycles and ray guns! They're the troublemakers!
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
ROADBLOCK AND RECONDO
Ray guns?
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 - DAY
ROADBLOCK AND RECONDO
Yo Joe!
BIKER [Michael Bell?]
Trash those turkeys!
ROADBLOCK
Here's the trash! I'll be the turkey if you'll be the stuffing!
RECONDO
Looks like it's my turn to take out the garbage!
ROADBLOCK
Gotta stop that bike from breakin' and enterin'.
BIKER
Split! We didn't count on nothin' this heavy-duty!
ROADBLOCK
And don't come back, or we'll slap you on a bun and serve you for lunch!
TEENAGE DUDE
Can you, like, really, uh, like assimilate this?
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
RECONDO
Why would a bunch of bikers want to run a hamburger stand out of business?
ROADBLOCK
Good question. And where do bikers get laser pistols?
RECONDO
That's a good question, too.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
CRIMSON GUARD
Coorinates in five seconds, sirs.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Very good, thank you. (X) No need to land. (T and X) We'll just step out.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - ELEVATOR
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You have a priority report? (T) What is it?
BIKER
We got trouble! Stage three harrassment of R-R-One-Oh-Four aborted due to interference from two men in civilian clothes who counterattacked with G. I. Joe battle cry.
XAMOT
Are they on to us?
BIKER
Hard to say.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) R-R-One-Oh-Four is the last drive-in (T) we need to buy back. (T and X) We'll handle it.
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN
MR. QUEEG [John Stephenson?]
You might have lost everything, you know. You can't run a hamburger stand with a biker gang terrorizing your customers.
QUEEG
There's the company wanting me. Perhaps another couple somewhere hoping Extensive will buy back their drive-in.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN - DAY
QUEEG
Queeg here.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Mr. Queeg, you will proceed directly to R-R-One-Oh-Four. (T) Terminate negotiations and re-acquire the restaurant at once. (T and X) And employ extreme measures if necessary.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN - DAY
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 - DAY
TELE-VIPER [Chris Latta]
We got the equipment you wanted, Mr. Queeg. You sure you need to go so heavy?
QUEEG
The Crimson Guard has authorized extreme measures. I will, of course, try the reasonable approach first, but if the old couple won't sell quietly, you Tele-Vipers have your orders.
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104 - DAY
COBRA
It's the Joes!
TELE-VIPER
What?
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
ROADBLOCK
And I want you to meet Lady Jaye, Flint, and Cutter.
LADY JAYE
What is it, Sarah?
SARAH
That's Mr. Queeg, the man who says we have to sell.
QUEEG
Mr. and Mrs. Bronson, if I might take a minute of your valuable time....
ROADBLOCK
Valuable's what it is, man. Take care of the customers. I'll take care of this stiff.
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE IN RR-104 - DAY
ROADBLOCK
We're not sellin', and you're not buyin'! Do I make myself clear?
QUEEG
They'll pay for this!
TELE-VIPER
Level that joint! Fire!
INT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN RR-104
LADY JAYE
What in the world!
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE IN RR-104 - DAY
CUTTER
Look out!
CUTTER
Head for the WHALE!
LADY JAYE
Excuse me, sir.
LADY JAYE
Adios, sucker.
ROADBLOCK
Yo Joe!
TELE-VIPER
Look out behind you!
ROADBLOCK
Grab clouds, you bums!
TELE-VIPER
Move it, you fools!
COBRAS
Cobra!
ROADBLOCK
Now we're left with nothin'!
LADY JAYE
Not exactly, Roadblock. We've got prove that this was a Cobra operation.
ROADBLOCK
Isn't this ridiculous? Somebody tell me why Cobra would want to muscle my aunt and uncle out of their little hamburger joint? Nobody makes my Aunt Sarah cry and gets away with it.
ROADBLOCK
Let's move!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Ah, here's what I've been waitin' for!
FLINT
So, what's it mean?
BREAKER
Red Rocket's owner is Extensive Enterprises. They sold the franchises mostly to retired couples. Recently they've been buyin' them all back.
LADY JAYE
Extensive Enterprises has done business with Cobra before. What could they be up to?
ROADBLOCK
They're up to their noses in hamburgers, that's for sure.
BREAKER
Everybody's sold out now, except Roadblock's aunt and uncle.
ROADBLOCK
Let's have some chit-chat with those jerks at Extensive Enterprise.
FLINT
We will. But I want a guard on your uncle's drive-in, just in case.
FLINT
You've got it, Snake-Eyes. Breaker, keep digging.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Yes, Commander. The premises have been (T) vacated. Send in your men.
COBRA COMMANDER
Superb.
TOMAX
When can you proceed with the demonstration?
COBRA COMMANDER
By midnight. I'll contact you when it's time to deliver the ultimatum.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) Will you never learn (T) to make an appointment?
ROADBLOCK
I don't need an appointment when you've been hastlin' my family.
LADY JAYE
You enlisted Cobra to blow up Uncle Caleb and Aunt Sarah's parking lot!
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Tisk, tisk. Cobra can at times be a bit heavy-handed. (X) But we can't be held responsible for every action (T) of our business associates. We recommend (T and X) you take it up with Cobra.
FLINT
Okay. It's obvious we're not gonna get any cooperation here.
ROADBLOCK
How 'bout a little friendly persuasion?
FLINT
Let's go.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - DAY
LADY JAYE
Now what?
FLINT
We'll come back after business hours.
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - EVENING
FLINT
This is as close as I can get, Lady Jaye.
LADY JAYE
I don't know how you talked me into this. You know I'm scared of heights.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
LADY JAYE
Not a desk drawer or a filing cabinet. I wonder....
LADY JAYE
Come on, where are you?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Ah, what have we here? (X) A lovely nocturnal prower. (T and X) Let's get her!
XAMOT
You must be more careful, brother!
EXT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - EVENING
LADY JAYE
Flint!
FLINT
Lady Jaye!
FLINT
So, what did you find out?
LADY JAYE
Mostly that a thousand-foot drop does nothing to help the digestion of Peking duck.
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
Flint, look there!
FLINT
Breaker, patch me through to VHF channel Ten, fast!
INT. APARTMENT - CLOSE ON TELEVISION
COBRA COMMANDER
And Cobra has one hundred fifty missiles in place, targeted on the capitals of every major nation on earth.
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
Each of these missiles carries one of Cobra's new photon disintegrators. We shall now demonstrate the destructive power of this weapon on this exact replica of this city.
COBRA COMMANDER (CONT.)
Watch closely. This will be your fate, if Cobra's demands are not met.
COBRA COMMANDER (V.O.)
This: no rubble, no untidy after-effects. Nothing remains...but memories.
COBRA COMMANDER
To avert this tragedy, you need only surrender control of your nation to Cobra. You have 'til dawn to decide. Sleep on it.
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
FLINT
I guess that pretty well identifies Destro's new secret weapon.
LADY JAYE
No kidding!
ROADBLOCK
Uh, Flint? You wanna hear somethin' weird, man?
FLINT
What is it, Roadblock?
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
ROADBLOCK
Did you see the map of the missile sites behind Cobra Commander?
LADY JAYE (COMM.)
What about it?
ROADBLOCK
Well, you're not gonna believe this, but...it matches the map of the Red Rocket drive-ins exactly.
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
ROADBLOCK (COMM.)
Those rockets on top of the Red Rocket burger stands are real!
FLINT
So all we have to do is take out a hundred and fifty rocket sites before dawn! Mobilize everything we've got, on the double!
EXT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
EXT. SEASIDE CARNIVAL - NIGHT
CUTTER
Attention Cobra, evacuate Red Rocket drive-in with due haste. We will commense firing in five seconds.
CUTTER (CONT.)
Five...four...three...two...one.... Fire!
CUTTER
WHALE to Joe base! Mission accomplished, with gusto!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
BREAKER
Good work, Cutter!
EXT. DESERT - DAWN
EXT. ROCKY MOUNTAINS - SUNRISE
COBRA
Hold it! You're covered!
LADY JAYE
Go ahead and fire. I guess it's possible you won't hit the nose cone.
LADY JAYE
Bye, now!
INT. JOE HEADQUARTERS - COMMAND CENTER
EXT. RED ROCKET DRIVE-IN #RR-104 - SUNRISE
ROADBLOCK
Uh-oh, company.
EXT. SKY - SUNRISE
BREAKER (COMM.)
Rocket number one-oh-four's been launched! It's headed right for Washington, D.C.
FLINT
Roger! On our way to intercept!
EXT. SKY NEAR WASHINGTON - SUNRISE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Enjoying the (X) breeze, Joe? (T and X) Bracing, isn't it?
ROADBLOCK
This is startin' to get sticky!
LADY JAYE
Good grief, it's Roadblock! What are you gonna do?
FLINT
If I can blow the nose cone off that rocket, there's a chance...maybe. Hang in there, Roadblock, old buddy!
EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - REFLECTING POOL
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) It was worth it (X) just for the ride!
LADY JAYE
There he is! Hallelujah!
FLINT
He's okay; I can see that grin from here!
EXT. JOE'S PLACE - DAY
FLINT
You didn't have to go to all this trouble, Caleb.
RECONDO
But, if you had to thank us, feedin' our faces is a great way. Come on, dish me up!
ROADBLOCK
My ribs are the greatest, and that's a fact. Joe beat Cobra, and that's where it's at. So when you want relief from your worries and your woes, you can come on down and eat at Joe's.
JOES
Yo Joe!

COBRA'S CANDIDATE

2008-12-23T16:28:00.001-08:00

EXT. CITY - DAY
ROBERT HARPER [Michael Bell] (V.O.)
Elect me your mayor, and I, Robert Harper, will bring law and order back to our great city.
ROGUE
Try 'n catch me, Mr. Law and Order!
EXT. CITY - HOUSE
CITIZEN
Yeah?
RICK [Neil Ross?]
Who you votin' for tomorrow?
CITIZEN
What? Who are you? What business is it of yours?
RICK
I'm Rick. That's Pelar. We're takin' a poll, man. Who are you votin' for?
CITIZEN
Uh, Harper! I'm for Robert Harper!
RICK
Wrong!
PELAR VASQUEZ [B. J. Ward?]
You man is Whittier Greenway, if you know what's good for you! You understand?
EXT. CITY - PARK RALLY
HARPER
And that's why I appear here on this platform this afternoon.
HARPER
Mr. Greenway's supporters...don't like what I have to say.
ROGUE [Francois Chau?]
Who does?
HARPER SUPPORTER [B. J. Ward]
Quiet! We can't hear him speak!
ROGUE
That's 'cause he's talkin' with his mouth full!
CITY HIGHWAY - DAY
COL. SHARP (COMM.)
Street gangs are running wild. The police can't control the situation, so the President's asked me to send in a unit of Joes.
SCARLETT
We're a handful, not a unit, Colonel Sharp.
COL. SHARP (COMM.)
This isn't a full-scale assault, Scarlett.
LADY JAYE
I hope the enemy knows that.
COL. SHARP (COMM.)
The "enemy," Lady Jaye, is barely old enough to vote. All of you, keep your heads about you. Understood?
EXT. CITY - PARK RALLY
HARPER
Please! Listen to reason!
PELAR
We've listened enough, Mr. Law and Order!
ROGUE
Hey! Get off me!
EXT. CITY - ALLEY
SCARLETT
Aw, terrific. Now we get to play hide-and-go-seek.
SCARLETT
The bird has the word. Up we go!
EXT. CITY - ROOFS
PELAR
They're coming! Fast!
BUZZER
Looks like we don't get the day off after all. The blue jean brigade blew it, mates. We got us some Joes to wreck.
LADY JAYE
The Dreadnoks!
SCARLETT
Then Cobra's mixed up in....
TORCH
G'day, Joes!
BUZZER
Well, what're you waitin' for? Get down there 'n see if there's any pris'ners.
BUZZER
And now for you ladies. Goodbye to you, too!
SCARLETT
Grab on!
INT. BUILDING - APARTMENT
SCARLETT
Uh, we'll pay for the window, Mister. Honest.
EXT. CITY - STREET
LADY JAYE
Where could they go so quickly?
SCARLETT
Beats me, but we've got to start somewhere. Let's scout the scene back at the park.
EXT. CITY - PARK
HARPER
Someone, please help me!
HARPER
Thank you, thank you very much. And you as well.
LADY JAYE
Just doing our job, Mr. Harper. Come on. Let's all get out of here.
INT. SUBWAY TUNNEL
ZAP
So, how's it feel, Pelar, bein' a two-bit toady to Cobra? Just like the....
PELAR
It feels okay! We beat G. I. Joe, didn't we?
BUZZER
Like snorkelfish you did! We caught 'em.
RIPPER
Yes, love, if you'd done it right we wouldn't've had to show ourselves yet.
TORCH
You was paid to do a job and you bollixed it up good, you did. Two Joeys got away. We oughta get a refund from your pay packets, we should.
PELAR
We don't gotta take this!
RIPPER
Is that right now? You'll do what we say and like it. That's what you're paid for.
BUZZER
And the first thing you're gonna do, mates, is...GET THEM PRIS'NERS BACK!
TORCH
That'll be far enough. And if you mates keep runnin', your friend here'll sizzle like a French fry!
BUZZER
Right this way, folks. We've got a cozy little suite just waiting for you. Let's go, Yo Joey.
EXT. CITY - ENTERPRISE TOWER
HARPER
You two have been more than kind, but I'm late for a meeting with my advisors. So I hope you'll excuse my haste....
LADY JAYE
Of course. Why don't we just wait out here in case anyone followed us and wants to make trouble.
HARPER
Really, that won't be necessary.
LADY JAYE
I hope, you're right, Mr. Harper.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You look like something the cats (T) declined to drag in. (T and X) Congratulations.
HARPER
Thank you, Xamot. Tomax. Um, congratulations for...for what?
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) You will see (X) and hear (T) in a moment.
COBRA COMMANDER
Congratulaitons, Mr. Harper, or should I say, Mr. Mayor. You have a commanding lead in the polls.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) You're a shoe-in (T) to be elected.
HARPER
Yes, and all these street gang attacks have brought the G. I. Joes to my side. They're protecting me.
COBRA COMMANDER
What? G. I. Joe on the side of Cobra? How delicious.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) The world's greatest champions of law and order are behind (T) you, a law and order candidate. Who could ask for any- (X) thing more?
EXT. CITY - ENTERPRISE TOWER
LADY JAYE
Why are we doing this? You know I'm not crazy about heights.
SCARLETT
We need to know why Cobra's mixed up in this election. These cords are never long enough.
SCARLETT
And I've got a hunch some of the answers might be up there.
LADY JAYE
I'm not crazy about your hunches, either.
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
COBRA COMMANDER
With you on our side, Mr. Harper, we can attain our goals by simply making them laws.
SCARLETT
This is worse than any hunch I had. Sounds like Cobra's financing Harper's campaign.
LADY JAYE
Listen!
HARPER
But what about the street gangs?
COBRA COMMANDER
The street gangs are Cobra's pawns, Mr. Harper.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(X) They think we really want (T) Whittier Greenway to win. It makes their hatred of you (X) more real. And their attacks on you (T) have swung the voters over to your side.
COBRA COMMANDER
Simply arrest them once you take office. You'll be keeping your campaign promise.
LADY JAYE
The only way we can stop this is to tell the gangs what's going on.
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) Uh, pardon us. (X) We have some important business we (T and X) must attend to.
EXT. CITY - ENTERPRISE TOWER
TOMAX
Goodbye, Ladies.
LADY JAYE
The first cord!
LADY JAYE
Not again.
TOMAX
Xamot! They hit Xamot!
SCARLETT
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
LADY JAYE
Now if we could just get one gang leader to listen to the truth....
SCARLETT
And make him believe it.
INT. SECRET TUNNEL
BUZZER
Hello, what's this? Reinforcements now that the battle's over?
STORM SHADOW
Not until you have read this message.
BUZZER
Aw, come on, mates. Cobra Commander knows I can't read.
STORM SHADOW
To ensure victory, the final rally will include some special fireworks developed by Firefly. The plan is going well. Take care not to fail. Zartan.
BUZZER
Rubbish! This here's the only insurance against failure. Tonight's the big night. So here. Take off and get some rest.
RICK
Hey, come on! Let's party!
RIPPER
We're gonna take off, too. You guys watch them Joes. Make sure they stay put.
TORCH
Not that they're goin' anywhere, mind you.
STORM SHADOW
Failure will be costly.
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
We need a meeting with the gang leader. It's imperative, life and death.
GANG MEMBER
Whose life and death? Not mine.
TITO VASQUEZ [Mary McDonald-Lewis?]
I know one of the gang leaders.
SCARLETT
Who are you?
LADY JAYE
Who cares who he is? Take us to him.
TITO
Her. And what do I get if I help you? I got my future to think of. I'm ten already.
LADY JAYE
Wanna see eleven, kid?
TITO
Hey, you're tough. Okay. Twenty bucks and I'll take you to Pelar Vasquez. But first I wanna know what you want with her.
LADY JAYE
Why, you little....
TITO
She's my sister. I gotta look out for her. Let me hold your weapons 'til after the meeting.
LADY JAYE
That's out of the question. We'll have to find her ourselves.
TITO
I guess you could try.
SCARLETT
Yeah, and we'll be searching 'til next Mother's Day. There's no choice, Lady Jaye.
TITO
Thanks. Right this way.
LADY JAYE
It better be.
INT. MOM'S CANDY & SODA FOUNTAIN
TITO
Right in here, ladies. Take good care of 'em, Mama. I'll be right out.
MRS. VASQUEZ
Have you come to arrest my Pelar?
SCARLETT
We're not police, Mrs. Vasquez.
MRS. VASQUEZ
She is really a good girl, deep down. Sometimes so deep you can't find it, though.
TITO (O.C.)
But Pelar, they paid money!
PELAR (O.C.)
Money you had no right to take!
PELAR
My brother Tito says you paid to talk to me. Talk fast!
LADY JAYE
Okay, sister, how's this? You and your gang have been had. Cobra's using you to help Harper get elected. And once Harper's in, you and your pals get the royal dump, right into jail. Is that fast enough?
PELAR
You lie!
MRS. VASQUEZ
How do you know? Just listen for once, Pelar.
PELAR
Cobra protects us, gives us money! You want to take it away, that's all. Why...why should I believe you?
ROGUE [Neil Ross?]
I think this little conversation's gone on long enough.
MRS. VASQUEZ
Oh...oh, no.
EXT. MOM'S CANDY & SODA FOUNTAIN
PELAR
Enough! I'll finish this.
SCARLETT
Too bad we have to keep pulling our punches with these punks.
LADY JAYE
Yeah, well don't forget, they're just kids.
LADY JAYE
Take us up! We've still got three Joes, a bird, and a wolf among the missing!
INT. SECRET TUNNEL
ZAP
You Cobras aren't ambitious enough. Why limit yourself to fixing elections? Why not the World Series, too?
CRIMSON GUARD
Silence! Got that?
EXT. CITY - NIGHT
WILD BILL
Did you see that? I'm a-headin' that-a-way, pardners.
INT. SECRET TUNNEL
CRIMSON GUARD
No, don't shoot!
QUICK KICK, LADY JAYE, AND SCARLETT
Yo Joe!
ZAP AND SPIRIT
Yo Joe!
CRIMSON GUARD
That's enough for me!
LADY JAYE
Let him go, Timber. Let 'em all go.
ZAP
My friend is a man of action, not words. So you better talk to me before he twists you into the world's first snake-flavored pretzel. I want the plan for Cobra's final assault.
ZAP
Talk!
CRIMSON GUARD
Political rally...at the pier...blow up the whole wharf.
EXT. RIVER - NIGHT
FIREFLY
I've planned for all possibilities. Would you like to see our G. I. Joe insurance?
ZARTAN
But of course.
FIREFLY
Each explosive will be planted at a different empty warehouse around the pier. And with this, I can blow it all at once or in any combination I choose.
ZARTAN
Interesting little device, Firefly.
FIREFLY
There's nothing little about it, swamp breath. You'll see. I'll plant the bombs myself. That way there'll be no foul-ups.
EXT. PIER - NIGHT
HARPER
My administration will clean up the streets. We will make it safe for you to walk at night once more.
PELAR
You haven't got a chance!
TITO
You're nothing!
PELAR
Tito! What are you doing here?
TITO
I wanted to help.
PELAR
You shouldn't have come! You must go home!
TITO
Look, I'm old enough to stay here, and I'm big enough to fight, too!
RICK
Big man! A little baby like you should be home with his mama.
PELAR
Stop laughing, you goons!
TITO
Who wants to be in your dumb gang, anyway?
PELAR
I hope you jokers are happy.
RICK
Ah, what's the difference. We got rid of him, didn't we? Anyway, check this out.
HARPER
This country will remain free only if law and order....
SCARLETT
Looks like Harper needs our help again.
WILD BILL
Yo Joe.
EXT. RIVER - NIGHT
ZARTAN
G. I. Joe! Right on schedule! Detonate the buildings.
INT. WAREHOUSE
TITO
I'll show 'em. I'll start my own gang. And I won't let them join.
EXT. PIER - NIGHT
TITO (O.C.)
Help, Pelar! Help!
PELAR
Tito? That's my brother!
RIPPER
Where you goin'?
PELAR
My brother, I gotta save him!
RIPPER
The only thing you've got to do is what you're bein' paid to do: scare people off!
EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
ZAP
Scarlett's goin' in after Pelar!
EXT. PIER - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
Pick on a lady your own size, Dread head!
BUZZER
Don't fret, mate. We can take her.
BUZZER
Can't we, mates...? Can't we?
ROGUE [Michael Bell?]
You tried to stop Pelar from saving her little brother.
RICK
We don't wanna be your flunkies anymore, man.
BUZZER
Uh, let's go, mates.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
LADY JAYE
Come on, Scarlett!
LADY JAYE
Thank heavens.
GANG
All right, Pelar! Way to go!, etc.
FIREMAN
Let's get this thing under control before it spreads!
PELAR
My brother!
EXT. PIER - NIGHT
ZARTAN
This cannot be!
FIREFLY
But it is. We'd better get outta here!
HARPER
Wait for me! Don't leave!
CITIZEN
Look! Cobra's rescuing Harper! Harper's a Cobra!
EXT. RIVER - NIGHT
HARPER
Thank you for waiting for me.
ZARTAN
Cobra does not reward failure, worm!
CUTTER
Welcome aboard, Mr. Harper. I'm not sure you can vote for yourself in jail. We'll have to ask a judge.
EXT. CITY - CAFE
INT. CAFE
REPORTER
So Harper's alleged association with Cobra fatally damaged his campaingn. And with ninety-eight percent of the vote in, it's Greenway over Harper by the greatest landslide in history.
PELAR
I wonder who cast the two votes?
MRS. VASQUEZ
His mother?
LADY JAYE
His wife?
INT. ENTERPRISE TOWER - HEAD OFFICE
TOMAX AND XAMOT
(T) I hate it when we (X) back a loser. (T and X) So do I.